


Head over heart

by Rebeliz



Series: Head over Heart [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, G!P, Kidnapping, Lexa g!p, Original Character Death(s), Serious Injuries, Slow Burn, Violence, lots of blood
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-29
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-03-20 07:03:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 135,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3641145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rebeliz/pseuds/Rebeliz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Forgiveness is born within the heart. How do you forgive someone who believes your heart is weak? Clarke’s struggle to accept her feelings after she left Camp Jaha.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Burden

**CHAPTER 1**

Having lived her entire life in the space, in a confined place such as the Ark, Clarke has never been exposed to climate changes, not really. The closest thing she came to one was when she was taken to prison at seventeen and discovered that the cells were a bit chillier than the temperature she was used to.

On earth everything is different, from the air she breathes to the feeling on her feet when she walks. And it’s getting colder as the days go by, the sun still rises every morning but the gray clouds don’t let it shine at its fullest. Some days the sky roars alive and lightings illuminate the world as rain pours furiously from above.

Clarke spent most of her childhood reading books about the Earth, as every other kid in the Ark she had to study the planet and everything in it. As far as she knows there are four seasons in a year marked by specific weather conditions, and fortunately she’s studied every single one of them to understand her current condition.

With the temperatures quickly dropping, the rain, the lack of animals running around or birds chirping closely by, Clarke is pretty sure that winter season is coming and it will get colder before it gets hot again.

But this is ancient information and the world has changed, so she has no idea if she’s in any condition to survive a winter.

Not that it matters anyway. 

It’s been two whole weeks since she left home and everyone she’s ever known behind. It’s been two weeks since she saved her friends from Mount Weather. Two weeks since she put a bullet in Dante’s chest before killing every single person at his care. It’s been two weeks since she stopped feeling like a human being.

Closing her eyes she fights back the fatigue that comes every time she remembers what she did, and her body shivers with the cold breeze that seeps through the opening of the Drop Ship where she lies uncovered and unpreoccupied. There are dozens of orange blankets lying around and she’s cold but unwilling to reach for one.

What’s the point anyway, the cold she feels inside of her has nothing to do with winter.

The Drop Ship is strong enough though, it survived an explosion after all and if Clarke doesn’t leave the insides at all then maybe winter will pass by and she’ll remain unseen. As if she truly deserved to live after everything she’s done, it’s in this very place that she survived the explosion that killed three hundred Grounders and it sickens her that this might be the same place that might end up saving her life.

Sleep has become a funny thing, something to yearn but not something to count on. It comes with unpleasant memories that have turned into nightmares that hunt her when she closes her eyes willingly, so she refuses to give in to sleep until exhaustion forces her and she faints, at least that way she doesn’t dream.

The days drag on but on her self-induced state she wonders if Bellamy feels the same way and if he does, then how is he holding up without crumbling down with the weight of what they’ve done?

 _I bare it, so they don’t have to._ Somehow, even back then, she was certain that those words would come back and bite her where it hurts the most and oh boy, how right she’s been about it. Maybe she should have accepted Bellamy’s forgiveness even though it wasn’t enough, it could never be enough.

She never saw herself as a leader, not without Bellamy by her side. Isn’t he supposed to share this **burden** with her? Isn’t he supposed to ease the weight of their guilt?

Bellamy is at home, at Camp Jaha with their family, taking responsibility for the people she chose to leave behind because she couldn’t face them anymore.

Isn’t she supposed to help him with that responsibility too? Were they ever a real team to begin with?

She’s so tired of doing absolutely nothing and she’s alone with her thoughts, with a mind that keeps reminding her of things she’d rather forget, and she can’t think of a worse way to face her crimes.

Maya’s face, distorted by the poison Clarke let lose. All those children dying slowly and painfully just so Clarke and her friends could walk away unharmed but barely. Jasper’s hateful stare that is both judging and pained. And Raven’s screams, tortured and furious at the same time is what keeps waking her every time she falls sleep.

They’re alive, her friends are breathing but none of them have been unharmed.

And then there is the most vivid of memories, fresh in her mind, as if it has happened yesterday. The Commander telling her to choose with her head and not her heart.

Clarke could never do that, she could never cut the tie between her heart and her head, she could never leave someone she loves behind just because it’s convenient. She is not that kind of person, she is not Lexa and Lexa is a leader.

It’s the Commander’s eyes the ones that hunt her the most. Those green pools of pain that said goodbye to her when she needed support and made her believe at one point.

She’s been so fast to trust, so blind to jump on deals and situations she never really understood well. Lexa isn’t to blame though and Clarke is aware. Lexa abandoned her, Lexa chose with her head.

A formidable decision she made. Lexa never owed anything to Clarke or her people, she was always protecting her ends, as Commander she never really had any other choice. She achieved victory, she saved her people and Clarke didn’t match that description.

Clarke is the one to blame for what happened at the doors of Mount Weather. She is the one who trusted a person who was never meant to be trusted in the first place, a person who was going to betray her if she needed to, no matter the deal they have made before.

The Sky People were a threat from the moment they landed on Earth and she understands now that the Grounders never stopped seeing them that way.

Her mind is a funny thing though, working together with her heart to remind her of moments and feelings that tie the Commander so tight to Clarke that it physically hurts to give them way to play out. But how good it had felt to work together, how _right_ it had seemed, how natural their bond seemed to develop.

But there was never a real Alliance, she never had Lexa’s support, the Grounders and the Arkers were never on the same side, and ultimately Clarke never needed any of it. Lexa and her betrayal gave her the last thing she was lacking, rage in her motivation and that was enough at the end.

Maybe Lexa planned to sell her out days before they marched to Mount Weather together, maybe from the day they met and maybe that’s why she gave Clarke so many liberties. She was never going to choose the Arkers if it came down to it and Clarke has been so naïve in thinking otherwise.

She had killed Finn. In some dreams she can feel his blood dripping down her hand when she stabbed him in the heart and the sensation stays with her for hours after she wakes up. Death is all they’ve seen since the moment they landed, the Earth has changed them all, some more than others. Finn has gone on a killing spree for her and his destiny was sealed, she knows, but he’d done it for her and that knowledge weights even when she tries to ignore it.

 _Princess_.

The last word he ever spoke, the nickname he gave her.

Is she destined to destroy every person she loves or vice versa?

Closing her eyes she curls in on herself, covering her face with her arms and desperately trying to avoid the next memory that always comes when she remembers Finn’s death. Raven, more specifically, Raven’s screams.

Who would have thought that the girl who came in between her new relationship with Finn would be the one who keeps Clarke afraid to go to sleep the most? Raven’s pain is something that she can’t think of without feeling as if she’s being ripped apart.

Finn has been new to Clarke, someone to lean on when she felt alone but he had been everything Raven had, and now he’s gone because of Clarke.

Whoever thought that she would be a good leader for The 100? How did she even fell on that position?

The only comfort she has now is the knowledge that she always did what she thought was best for her people. She was keeping them alive and she has never chosen with her head instead of her heart.

She can honestly admit that she’s never made a choice coldly, never lessened the importance of her feelings or those of her people. Every decision she’s made has been for them and it pains her because she can see why Lexa would call her weak.

The heart _is_ weakness. And Clarke is weak, so weak that she can’t even be with the people she saved without feeling like her insides are shattering.

After rescuing everyone from Mount Weather there hasn’t been much talk on the way back home. It was devastating for all of them. They were terrified, not only by the Mountain Men but of Clarke as well.

In those hours that it took to get home she could _feel,_ the people she’s fought so hard to save, judging her. She was no longer a kid, no longer innocent and they have all seen the kind of monster that lives within her. They all saw what she’s capable of and she can’t take it back.

But she has tried, hasn’t she? She tried to negotiate, she tried to talk some sense into Dante and his son, she tried to be _good_ but it didn’t pay off.

Her mother tried to be supportive and Clarke saw how hard Abby tried but the judgment was there, beneath the sad eyes and wish to understand. If her mom couldn’t take it, it was no surprise when Jasper blamed her for Maya’s death and who was Clarke to try and convince him otherwise when she pulled the lever that killed his girlfriend along with all of the rest. At the end of the day Maya wasn’t Clarke’s responsibility, she wasn’t one of _her_ people.

And then there were the kids. Dozens of bleeding children killed by Clarke’s doing. They didn’t deserve to die, those kids weren’t even old enough to know what was happening around them; they didn’t know that other kids were about to be sacrificed for their benefit.

Cage has been desperate to protect his own, going to unmeasurable ends to give his people a chance to live in the outside world, willing to kill Clarke’s friends for that chance.

How is she any different from Cage and his father after what she did? Isn’t she supposed to be the _good guy_?

If given the opportunity, would she have betrayed Lexa?

No, no she wouldn’t have. She would have chosen Lexa and the Grounders over the Mountain Men because she thought that she had built something beyond an Alliance with the Commander, something that was worth keeping.

How stupid and naïve had she been, she hadn’t even needed an army to take down Mount Weather, only a handful of her closest friends and a broken heart have done the job.

She had needed to choose with her head from the beginning and Lexa has tricked her into choosing with her heart.

No, she wouldn’t have betrayed Lexa because even though the Alliance was strong, Clarke believed in Lexa.

Not that it matters now, nothing does. The Alliance is broken, the Grounders might attack the Ark at any moment and she has always been disposable to the Commander.

She should have never trusted a Grounder. But things will be better now because the Council won’t make the same mistakes she’s made and she’s not there to see the faces of the people she rescued either.

…

The next time her eyes flutter open it isn’t because of a nightmare but the smell of burning wood. It’s been a while since Clarke felt the heat of a fire and the feeling is welcomed, embraced.

The small fire is only a few feet away from her, perfectly put together with rocks surrounding it and burning dry branches from outside. For the first time in more than a week Clarke isn’t cold.

Octavia is sitting on the edge of the Drop Ship, her back to Clarke.

It must be so easy to build a fire, Clarke has seen Lexa do it before, even Bellamy but this is the first time she thinks about it and it’s because there is a fire two feet away from her. Why hasn’t she started a fire on her own? And more importantly, why has she stayed so close to the Ark?

“You were shivering.” Octavia turns around and involuntarily hits Clarke with a million memories at once, but there is also pity in her eyes, sadness and anger.

“When was the last time you ate something?” Clarke looks away, embarrassed by the question and doesn’t look up when Octavia comes closer and opens a bag she’s left by the fire. “I have something. Here, eat it.”

She’s handed a red apple, not nearly as appetizing to Clarke’s eyes but she accepts it even though she has no real desire to bite it.

Clarke isn’t the only one who lost something in Mount Weather. Octavia did to. Her position as Indra’s second was taken away when blood was stronger than her warrior brothers. It’s been so exciting to find her place in a world she didn’t even know existed yet and Clarke has seen it.

“What are you doing here?” She coughs after speaking, her voice coming out soar and unrecognizable to her own ears. Two weeks without talking have almost made her forget how it feels.

“Everyone is out looking for you. I thought I’d check this place first but I never thought I’d found you here. To be honest I didn’t think you’d make it easy.”

“Why is anyone looking for me?” Clarke doesn’t miss a beat. Will she be punished for running away? Why would anyone bother to look for her?

“We need you back at Camp. The Grounders have come with a proposal to our doorsteps that we can’t ignore. We need you.” Octavia is offering water now and Clarke takes it eagerly, she might not be hungry but she is thirsty.

However, as she lets the cool liquid swallow her shame her heart is skipping beats as she thinks of the Grounders. Lexa. Whatever deal they are offering Clarke can’t be present for it.

“Octavia, I can’t.” She stutters, feeling more tired than she has in days.

“You were perfectly fine after the missile destroyed Ton DC. What’s the difference now?”

Octavia is raging, her face free of war paint is flushed with barely contained anger towards Clarke but the blond doesn’t have it in her to defend herself, not from this and not now. There is nothing she can say to justify herself, nor does she want to.

“This time I’m the one who fired the missile, Octavia. That’s the difference.” She finds herself saying anyway, without looking up and pondering whether or not she could just lay down again.

“You didn’t even know those people and you feel for them?”

“I didn’t need to know them to feel for them.” Clarke replies tiredly and turning the apple in her hands lazily.  

“But you knew us when you left us to die. Didn’t you feel for us then?” The younger girl asks through gritted teeth, obviously sarcastic but genuinely curious.

“I did.” Clarke says with her eyes firmly locked on the red apple and an even weaker voice. “But I let her choose and I followed. I chose with my heart.”

Octavia frowns at the admission and looks away from the skinny girl. She’s not completely sure if she wants to fully understand what was said. “Yeah, well, you’re a legend now. Even the grounders want to be in your good graces.”

Clarke looks up, her curiosity proving to still be alive after all. “Why are people looking for me?”

“The Grounders know what happened in Mount Weather and they want to offer us an Alliance from this day forward.”

“What?” Clarke is stunned, perhaps she’s listening to this all wrong.

Octavia finally meets her eyes and takes a deep breath as she lets her face relax.

“Mount Weather has been their biggest threat for over fifty years. They thought they’d never defeat it that even Lexa decided to betray us at the last minute over a desperate deal she was offered even when she knew that the Mountain will still live, even when she had no reason to trust them whatsoever. They left us to die, Clarke. _She_ left us to die but we didn’t. We were only a few and on your command we defeated the Mountain Men. So yes, you’re everything everyone can talk about and the only one who can seal this deal. Apparently.”

Clarke sits upright, unblinking and her heart once again breaks when Octavia is done speaking. She’s a legend because she murdered hundreds of people coldheartedly?

No, she tells herself, no. It wasn’t coldheartedly, she felt, she _feels_.

“Her loyalty doesn’t exist.” Her throat closes in, she can taste the tears before they fall down her cheeks. “She only cares for her people. We’re nothing for her. Her loyalty will never be with us. Their Alliance means nothing.”

…

At the first sign of tears Octavia feels lost and momentarily panics before she scoots closer to Clarke and tentatively holds her hand. She knows her friend is talking about the Commander and Octavia knows that her own anger is slightly misplaced but she can’t conceive the thought of Clarke leaving her behind to die. But it had been war, and difficult choices had to be made.  

“Well, she is protecting her people.” She admits with a much softer tone now. While everyone else seem to think that Clarke is unbreakable, here Octavia sits with the crying girl, just a girl at the end of the day.

“I think they fear us now. Lexa has given this a lot out thought. They can’t just come at us but she can use what she knows we need. We are still newbies here on earth, so she’s offering protection and training. I think she sees you as a dangerous enemy to have now and that’s why she’s come looking for you.”

“Lexa went to Camp Jaha?” Octavia takes in the frown in Clarke’s forehead as she nods and thinks about how different she’d be if Lexa hadn’t abandoned them that night. The truth is that she can try as hard as she’d like to understand what Clarke is going through but she won’t be able to because Octavia hasn’t killed anyone who didn’t threaten her life directly, and Clarke, while also in danger, has killed because of them, to save _them_.

“She even brought gifts and asked for a meeting with you. We told her you weren’t available and she left with the promise of coming back in two days. Abby tried to talk to her but she wouldn’t have it, she wanted to talk just to you.”

She isn’t ready to see Lexa or anyone else.

Clarke isn’t ready to go back to Camp Jaha and Octavia must see it but she refuses to leave without her, not after she’s seen her this vulnerable.

She does a quick inspection around and finds absolutely nothing that indicates that Clarke has been trying to survive in this place. And she’s still hurt by what happened on Ton DC, and most likely than not she’d never consider Clarke a true friend again, but the thought of the Sky Princess leaving herself to die alone scares Octavia more than it should.

“Come on. Let’s go back and we’ll talk at home.”

Blue eyes meet hers instantly and Octavia looks away. Camp Jaha isn’t home for neither one of them.

“If not for you, then do it for us.” She knows it’s a bit low to play this card on Clarke, especially because she’s already done so much for them but if it means to have Clarke with them again, then she doesn’t regret it. They need her more than she’s leading on.

…

Love is weakness, Lexa told her and Clarke was stupid enough to contradict her once.

When she stands on wobbly legs and Octavia hurries to help her she recognizes that the Commander was right all along. It’s love for her people that led her to make the choices that cost all the Mountain Men their lives and it’s her heart the one who punishes her for it every minute of every day, which could have been easily avoid if she had _listened_.

“I won’t go back, Octavia.” She tells her friend with finality. “But I will talk to the Commander and seal this deal for you.”

“And then what? You’ll come and sit here again?” Octavia asks through a frown and pursed lips.

“No. Then you’ll never see me again.”

 ...

 


	2. Sky

**CHAPTER 2**

The first thought to hit when Clarke takes off her clothes is that she is, in fact, thin.

No wonder Octavia offered her food before she told her why she came looking for her in the first place. And Clarke can’t even remember the last time she went looking for food by herself because she cared.

The small lake she and Raven found on the mechanic’s firsts days on Earth is now colder than she remembers, on the verge of freezing really, but Clarke needs to clean up if she’s going to be sealing deals with the Commander of the Grounders anytime soon.

And the tears come unexpectedly, one second she’s washing her hair and the next she’s crying, hands pressing on her stomach because it feels as if someone has punched her in the gut.

When she decided to leave, she wanted to get as far away from the Ark as she could, but she hasn’t. Did she want to be found so soon?

Seeing Octavia hasn’t been nearly as bad as Clarke has expected it to be. Octavia is a friend and even if the trust is broken between them, a connection still lingers on both ends, something stronger than friendship.

That doesn’t mean Octavia is incapable of judging and she hasn’t hold back on her short visit to Clarke, which only confirms that if she were ever to go back the look she’s seen on Octavia eyes will be mirrored by everyone in the Ark.

She spent so long judging the Council for their methods of keeping order in the Space and they were feared almost as strongly as they were hated. Now, she’s the one her own people fear and more likely hate too.

But why would the Grounders be afraid of her? Shouldn’t they be willing to eliminate a threat? Isn’t that what she is now for them? They wouldn’t even have to try hard to wipe her out.

It’s not like she fought her way out of the Mountain. She pulled a lever, yes, she _killed_ hundreds of people but she isn’t strong. Damn it! She wasn’t even capable of staying with the people she saved.

The fear the Grounders felt towards the Mountain was built purely out of ignorance and lack of technology and Clarke wouldn’t have accomplished a thing without Monty by her side.

Is that what leadership is all about? Give orders and bear the consequences so no else has to?  

She didn’t sign for it, she didn’t want it, and she never asked to be in that position. And yet, the position was thrust towards her time and time again.  

Lexa was wrong, Clarke wasn’t born to lead and she isn’t a person her people would want to follow or die for.

Shivering but clean, she returns to the Drop Ship. When was the last time she took a bath? Should she even care? Will she ever stop thinking about her actions and the consequences?

What did Octavia mean by _legend?_ How can anyone admire what she’s done?

It’s absurd to even think about it but that’s exactly how the Grounders must feel because they respect strength and sacrifice.

But would they still respect her when they discover that she isn’t strong? Would they see her the same way after knowing that she ran away?

“I was beginning to think that I missed you.”

Outside of the Drop Ship Raven Reyes mounts a beautiful black horse, her hair up in a lose ponytail and her red jacket protecting her from the cold breeze.

Raven has suffered more than anyone else on Earth, but she still smiles and mounts that horse as if she’s been born for it and she looks tall, strong and confident.

Raven isn’t running nor hiding. Raven is _strong_.

“What are you doing here?” The horse steps back as Clarke gets closer to see a second horse tied to a nearby tree.

The white horse looks like something pulled out of Clarke’s history books, magnificent and proud, and she can’t help to stop and look at it. She’s sure she hasn’t come across anything that’s nearly as beautiful.

“Handsome boy, isn’t he?” Raven smiles, pulling her out of her thoughts and caressing the mane of the horse she’s mounting with ease.

“He is.” Clarke smiles back admiring how comfortable Raven looks like that, as if she was born to ride. And who knows? Maybe she was.

“He’s yours.” Raven says as Clarke gets closer to the horse and huffs a smile.

“What?” She chuckles lightly and it hurts to smile, but it also feels good to do it.

“A gift from the Commander herself. She gave us five horses apart from these two bad boys and specifically said that the white one is meant for you.”

Ignoring Raven’s suggestive smirk Clarke focuses on the horse, caressing its long mane and even smiling as the animal gets closer to her, sniffing her hand and bumping it with its snot.

A gift from Lexa and her heart is threatening to skip out of her chest. The traitor.

It seems as everyone has seen her but Clarke. The visit to the Ark must have been hard for Lexa, showing up at a place where everyone thinks of you as a traitor can’t be pleasant.

And out of all the questions she needs an answer for, she asks. “Why would she give me a horse?”

“That’s what we’ll find out, right?”

It’s only now that Clarke takes a moment to really look at Raven and realizes that the girl has come alone and has no intention of leaving.

But is she willing to accept a gift from the Commander? If she wants to seal this peace deal for her people, she realizes that yes, she needs to accept this gift.

“You’re coming with me?”

“Did you really think I was gonna miss this meeting? Of course I’m coming with you.”

Raven pulls back the rope on her horse, making it turn around –with an ease that suggests she’s been practicing- as she chuckles lightly and Clarke finds herself laughing at the absurdity of it all, because even though Raven is the one person that has been hurt the most, she’s also the easiest one to be around.

With one last look at the Drop Ship the blond realizes that she isn’t truly leaving anything behind and mounts the white horse not as swiftly as she'd have liked.

The memories of Lexa showing her how to ride come unexpectedly and they are intense, so vivid to the point where she can feel the ghost of Lexa’s touch on her hands.  

But once she’s on the horse the feeling is the same as that first time. She feels alive and sees the world from a different point of view and it’s still thrilling, even if the experience is now laced with loss and sadness.

“Abby wanted to come but a lot of people are coming down with the flue. There aren’t really many Doctors to spare.”

Clarke nods as they begin to ride, thankful for her mother’s absence but also thankful for Raven because she might be wrong but the girl doesn’t seem to hold any grudges towards her and so far her eyes remain unjudging.

Raven isn’t scared, she doesn’t show any signs of resentment or hate towards Clarke. Raven is understanding and so particularly supportive that even though she knows all the things that have been done she also knows that they’re not to be talked about.

“You need to name him.”

Raven’s voice breaks through the thick but comfortable silence that has fallen upon them after a few long minutes.

“This is Screwdriver.” She announces with a proud smile and a gentle petting on the head of her horse. Clarke can’t help to chuckle at the sight.

“That’s - actually fitting. But I don’t know about this guy.”

“Oh, come on. You can’t be riding a nameless horse.”

The further they get from the Drop Ship the hardest Clarke tries to come up with a name for her new friend but nothing seems worthy. Oddly enough, her mind begins to wonder if Lexa’s horse has a name and if it does, then how she picked it. What if Lexa already named the horse she’s riding now?

They get through a valley, free of trees where the sight of the Sky can be fully appreciated and Clarke looks up at the clouds that seem to shelter the sun from shinning up above and she smiles, something within her clicking.

“ **Sky**.” She breathes out before looking over at her friend. Raven is smiling but she rolls her eyes playfully as she shrugs.  

“It suits him. Since you’re the Sky Princess and all.”

Clarke shakes her head good naturally as Raven laughs in her teasing but they both turn to look up until the valley ends and the tree branches impend them to look at their old home for much longer.

“Do you miss it?” Raven asks and she doesn’t need to elaborate for Clarke to know she’s talking about the space and home in the Ark.

“Sometimes.” Clarke admits, her mind drifting to paper and ink, and time to waste drawing; and chest matches and reruns of ancient football games. “Do you?” She clears her throat, refusing to cry over the past.

“I miss the space walks but other than that, no. It’s difficult to accept that we were all living in a cage, isn’t it?”

Clarke lets the silence answer for her. Yes, it’s difficult to think about how ignorant they’ve been for so long. And she spent a year locked up in prison but they were all prisoners in the Ark one way or another.

“I sure as hell don’t miss the food.”

They share a laugh at that admission and as an afterthought Raven pulls out two apples from her backpack and offers one to Clarke before biting into one herself.

“Thanks.” Clarke inspects the fruit with scrutiny, her stomach twitching inside of her at the mere sight.

She hasn’t eaten anything in almost two days and the red apple that Octavia gave her has been left on the Drop Ship.

So, she bites into the green apple and the sweet-bitter taste is so deliciously painful that she’s fighting tears once again. She can’t even remember when was the last time she had more than a fruit in a day and she hasn’t cared until this very moment, as Raven chews happily away without looking at her like she might brake.

…

On her brief visit Octavia mentioned that Ton DC is being rebuilt so Clarke isn’t exactly surprised when the first two grounders she sees are carrying wood on their shoulders and heading to the village. However, she is a bit shaken when both of them stop as soon as they listen to the horses strides and stare at her with fearful eyes, and suddenly she realizes that she doesn’t know all the facts for this meeting, she’s come completely unprepared.

“You got popular.”

Is all Raven offers as more and more wide-eyed grounders step aside to let them through and Clarke has to agree, even if it is with a heavy heart.

Houses are being built instead of huts and Clarke can already tell that this Ton DC will be bigger and stronger, more cemented that the old village she saw burn.

The sight of a few children holding swords and learning to balance its weight makes her stomach clench inside of her. Is this how she’ll feel whenever she sees children from now on? Will this guilt ever leave her?

She hopes not.

A hand graces her shoulder and she turns to look at her friend. Raven nods and squeezes her shoulder lightly. She’s not alone and Raven doesn’t blame her, she has support.

Indra appears from behind a tall man and Clarke recognizes respect when she sees it in the General’s eyes, which is by far the most bizarre thing she’s seen.

Was this what she had to do all along to get her respect? Kill hundreds of innocent people?

If it is then for what kind of world has she really been fighting for?

The General barks an order in their native language and indicates for Clarke and Raven to follow her after sending their horses with a guard. They don’t need to say a word, Indra simply knows who they’ve come to see and she has no desire to stall.

Clarke begins sweating the moment her feet touch the ground. Her palms are moisty and her heart is hammering inside of her chest, and that determination she used to have that prevented her from showing fear of doubt is gone.

She doesn’t know how not to be a nervous wreck right now and it’s unsettling. Why is she even nervous? She should be angry.  

And her mind –this traitorous mind- takes her back to all the times she was in this place, the times when she saw these people and walked behind the same woman she’s about to see. She thinks of meetings she attended at Lexa’s hut, all the times they were alone and how strong her trust for the Commander built up to be.

What a dangerous game to play. What a heartless win she decided to have. She should have believed Lexa when she said she has stopped feeling because it’s true. It was always true and no matter how hard Clarke has tried to see the good in her, it’s been only an illusion.

And they kissed and Lexa’s lips didn’t feel cold, or stoic. She felt real.

Unconsciously Clarke licks her lips at the thought of their lips meeting, of kissing the Commander back and she can’t help to wonder if it was all a plan from the beginning.

She feels sick, her eyes tear up and she feels the vomit coming but she can’t let herself be ill because she’s here for a reason and she can’t mess it up.

Not now, she repeats to herself. _Not now_. She can’t give in to her feelings now.

She remembers Lexa asking her to go with her to the Capital and Clarke has been tempted to accept, and honest when she said that she didn’t know what came next. She never saw this coming. She had her doubts and she made sure to be careful, to be guarded but she has trusted Lexa through it all, and ultimately that has been her biggest mistake.

She can’t hold it back and she runs towards the trees and vomits behind one.

Raven takes her time in catching up but when she does she holds her hair back and runs her hands on her tensed back until Clarke is finished.

“You are ill.”

Indra speaks and Raven is tempted to roll her eyes but she doesn’t look away from the pained expression on Clarke’s face. She’s tempted to ask what gave it away but she’s not sure Indra even knows the concept of sarcasm.

“Are you done?”

She focuses on Clarke instead and quickly produces a sheet of paper from her hanging bag to offer it to her friend as a napkin.

Clarke doesn’t look back and supports her shoulder on the tree to keep her balance, obviously weakened. How pathetic it is to feel like this especially on these grounds, especially around these people who see human behavior as weakness.

But she looks up, her eyes seeking the Sky that is stubbornly hiding behind loaded cloud, but when she finds a little piece of it she breathes in deeply.

How ignorant was she when she was up there. How blissfully numbed everything was, less painful.

She fights back the tears but two traitor ones still roll down her cheeks only to be cleaned up quickly by her own hands in mild anger.

If she had only kept everything in check she wouldn’t be feeling like this. If she had accepted that love is weakness she wouldn’t be feelings like this. If she had only loved Finn and not -

No, she tells herself. No. The Alliance was always necessary. The Alliance meant no more war between the Grounders and her people, and they were only a few left. The Alliance meant peace, it meant union, and it meant support that she needed.

What happened at Mount Weather can’t be blamed on Lexa, she only did what she had to do. As did Clarke.

“Drink this.” Indra shoves a glass with a transparent liquid in it and Raven is the one to take the glass from her hands.

“What is this?” She smells the glass and scrunches up her nose in disgust.

“Something to make her feel better.”

“But what is it?” Raven insists as Clarke turns around and returns the glass to Indra.

“Thank you. I feel fine now.”

Indra doesn’t push, taking the rejection with dignity and quickly sending the medicine away with a young boy.

“Are you really okay?” Raven whispers trying to maintain some sense of privacy even though Indra is watching them like a hawk, also trying to figure out what the problem is.

“Yes. I’m fine.”

Raven takes her hands and squeezes them lightly before they reassume their walk.

Lexa stands a good twenty feet ahead of them, she’s not wearing her armor, her sword isn’t attached to her belt but her posture is the same dominant one Clarke has grown used to see in the Commander. Lexa _is_ power.

The moment green eyes turn to her and the space between them seem to disappear on thin air Clarke knows that Raven’s presence is absolutely necessary because she has already forgotten why they’re even here.

…

 


	3. Details

**CHAPTER 3**

Less than ten feet away Lexa stops walking all together, as does Clarke.

Everything hurts, but Clarke was expecting this. The memory of Lexa was already too painful and seeing her feels like being ripped apart from the inside out.

How can the sight of a single person hurt so much?

She knows she’s flushed, she can feel her cheeks burning but it’s only because she’s trying so hard not to cry and ignore how Lexa’s throat is bobbing up and down as if she might share tears at any moment too.

The Commander is the first one to look away though, her mask put back in place, she no longer trembles.

Clarke can see Lexa’s jaw clenching, the muscles of her covered arms tightening as she places both hands on her back and reassumes her approach towards them, more decided than before.

But just as strong and just as determined, Lexa’s eyes find Clarke’s and locks her in, as if she’s the only thing the Commander can see.

And Clarke might not believe in her no more but she finds worrisome in those green –like the trees- eyes and she knows that’s real because even if Lexa insists on not feeling anymore, Clarke was allowed to see beyond that façade and found the heart underneath the armor, protected by past pain.

Lexa might not enjoy what she does to prevail their laws and be a good leader for her people but she does it anyway, she carries this responsibility the best way she can. She did say that the need to protect her people comes first, apparently it comes before her own feelings and even before Clarke.

This time Clarke doesn’t look away although is everything that she wants to do.

It’s been bad enough that Indra saw her throwing up and Clarke isn’t sure how the Grounders would feel if she were to run away right now.

Fighting against herself Clarke forces her eyes to not break the contact with the Commander’s and slowly, clearly and painfully feels herself drown.

Why does Lexa have to look like that? As if she understands what Clarke is feeling? As if she’s willing to let go? As if she’s willing to ask for forgiveness? Why does she look like she cares when she abandoned Clarke to die?

This is how Octavia feels towards her, now Clarke understands how difficult it is to face someone who did you wrong.

Octavia trusted her the same way Clarke trusted Lexa and the betrayal of knowing that someone left you behind to die is unbearable. But just as it hurts to see Lexa standing so close then her presence must hurt Octavia as well, maybe even more so.

The space is literally disappearing now, they’re closer to each other and the air becomes heavier to inhale, her thoughts turn messy inside of her own head. She’s dizzy.

“Clarke.”

Lexa still pronounces her name with a certain softness that pulls at her heartstrings, as if the Commander is afraid that she’d vanish into thin air.

Her face remains unreadable though and Clarke has to look closely to catch the way her chest rises and falls with deep breaths after she repeats her name with a sentiment foreign to her character.

Clarke almost believes that she sees the ghost of tears in Lexa’s eyes but she clears her throat and looks to her right where Raven is calmly waiting for the next step.

Raven is here for support and then hand holding her own makes her feel slightly better.

Why is this so hard?

“So what?” Raven shrugs impatiently and without bothering to hide her dislike for the Commander once she’s caught on to what’s really going on. “Are we going to have this talk out here?”

Her tone holds a bite to it but Lexa doesn’t look at her, her eyes remain trained on Clarke’s profile for a moment longer.  

“No.” Her voice is different when she addresses Raven, but not cutting. “You shall follow me.”

Clarke flinches as she looks away but if Lexa sees it, she doesn’t mention it.

Falling back on old patterns is so easy but Clarke’s set of mind has gone through a whole process to recoil from this role, to stop being a leader and yet, here she is, following the Commander once again because she owes this to her people.

She swallows back the tears that are begging to be led out, she can’t cry in front of Lexa, she can’t cry in front of the person who left her behind to die.

That was the deal she made with Mount Weather after all, right? Clarke and her people were the price Lexa paid to walk out of there with her people unharmed.

“You okay?” Raven squeezes her hand softly.

“I’m fine.” And her friend would believe her if it wasn’t for the quiver on her voice or the way she keeps shaking as if they’re walking to their certain deaths.

“We got this. Don’t forget that you saved us. Don’t forget that we are thankful, that _I’m_ thankful.”

Clarke looks at her friend and feels her hands being squeezed in support again. Raven knows exactly what she did to all those people, how can she be thankful?

She shakes her head slightly, she doesn’t believe her.

“You’ve always been our leader down here and we all trust you to do what’s right for us. Don’t forget who you really are, Princess.”

She closes her eyes at the term and breathes in deeply, shakily. She remembers Raven electrocuting Lincoln to save Finn and for a moment alone she believes that she wouldn’t have been the only one to make the choice she made.

Raven’s desperation that day was prompted by her love for Finn and Clarke’s was equally motivated by responsibility for all of them.

She might not feel like herself but at least she has Raven to remind her the reason why she did what she did and she can feed from that security, she’s not completely lost, she still has something to live for.

She squeezes Raven’s hand back right before Lexa stops and swings open a wooden door to her renewed hut for them to enter first.

Clarke doesn’t look up while passing the doorframe but Lexa’s presence is strong by her side and her body shivers all the way, but she doesn’t look up.

Lexa’s voice is tight when she barks out orders to Indra and Clarke takes a moment to look around her.

The place isn’t much different from the last hut Lexa called hers, the one that burnt with two hundred and fifty Grounders when the missile fell.

Bile is quick to gather in her mouth and she feels sick again. These are the memories that will always hunt her, that will always hurt and that she can’t ever forget.

Raven has already claimed a chair around a round table made of thick dark wood that takes up on half of the space in the room, and she’s lazily massaging her leg with both hands.

Before the battle Clarke stood beside a similar table next to Lexa in one of the many meetings they held with the Leaders of the Clans and repeated time after time that no innocent lives were to be taken from the Mountain.

How ironic that after she fought so hard for those lives with the Commander, she was the one who took them.

Was that another reason why Lexa thought of her as weak? Is humanity also weakness?

But regret isn’t what weights down on her because she can never regret saving her people. She defeated Mount Weather and she doesn’t regret it.

It’s the guilt that is slowly killing her.

Would Lexa feel the same way? Does she even know the meaning of guilt?

Clarke knows for a fact that the Commander won’t admit to a mistake because in reality there was none on her part. Lexa saved hundreds of her warriors, recovered her people and gained peace with the Mountain Men all in one deal and after decades of living in war.

And all it cost her was Clarke.

At the end of the day Lexa didn’t kill anyone, Clarke did.

…

At the end of the day Lexa is just a girl who fancied her at one point. And it happened in a tent so similar to this one, and Clarke remembers every little detail of it.

She was angry with Lexa that afternoon, she was hurt that the Commander couldn’t trust her and why would she. But it happened here, she was trusted here and she delivered her trust in Lexa completely as well without even knowing it.

She swallows down the bile that it’s threatening to boil out one more time and closes her eyes, ordering her brain to stop thinking about soft lips and caring eyes because it wasn’t real.  

It was all a lie.

When she turns around and finds the Commander looking at her with so much pain in her eyes she wonders, what is Lexa really thinking about?

Does she pity Clarke? Is she disgusted by her obvious weakness and how it’s breaking her so obviously? Or can she see the monster hunting the blond that she’s scared to be as close?

“Clarke.”

It’s so easy to fall for this side of Lexa, so easy to forget who she really is when she speaks like that; like she aches, like she cares, like she’s afraid and Clarke’s name is more than just a name.

So Clarke meets her stare, only to find out how uncomfortable Lexa seems with her eyes jumping from Raven to her again. “After this meeting is over, I’d like to speak with you in private.”

Raven is glaring daggers at the Commander and Clarke can’t look at her any longer without feelings like the life is being sucked out of her.

The table is filled with maps and letters from other Clans. Lexa’s time is precious and she shouldn’t be wasting it.

“We should get this over with.”

She moves to sit by Raven and Lexa takes a moment before turning around and taking her seat as well at her Throne that up until this moment has gone unseen, or perhaps just ignored.

But her eyes leave nothing to be desired and Clarke wishes she could tell if Lexa is feeling something but she can’t.

“My offer is simple.”

The Commander speaks, initiating their meeting as Raven once again takes Clarke’s hands under the table and at this point Clarke is unsure if it’s to give her support or if the brunette is seeking support in the contact as well.

It’s unbelievable for Clarke that this girl, a girl that was supposed to hate her on principal has taken it upon herself to be here with her. But Raven isn’t false and she isn’t childish nor naïve, and she knows that surviving is far more important than fighting over boys. But Clarke felt Raven’s hate for a while and she doesn’t ever want to feel it again.

“We are in debt with your people and said debt has to be paid. You have freed us from the biggest threat my People has known for decades but you are still new to this world. We can offer our knowledge in surviving and hunting if you decide to accept an Alliance that will never again be broken.”

Something within Clarke clicks at the mentions of _Alliance_ and _broken_ , and she looks up, suddenly angered.

“We have no reason to trust you and your people anymore.”

“As Commander I give you my word that…”

“Your word is exactly what I can’t trust anymore!”

Lexa closes her mouth, still calmed even after Clarke cut her off so abruptly and she realizes that this is what Lexa was expecting from her all along, anger.

“As Commander,” she repeats steadily. “I tell you this Alliance will hold until the end of times. Nothing and no one will break this Alliance. If you accept this we will become one, you will become our people and we don’t break Alliances with _our_ people.”

“Well, don’t expect us to live in your villages or have our gates open for you at any time you wish.” Clarke bites back through the bile that just keeps rising up.

“Are you accepting this deal?” Lexa is quick to push.

“Not so fast.”

And feeling anger towards Lexa is oddly familiar, this is what they’re good at, confrontation and telling each other how it is. But even as she’s looking intently at the young Commander and her skin prickles, her mind flashes with the memories of her victims, of all of her victims and she has to look away before she’s burn.

“You left us to die.”

Her accusation is out of her mouth before she can even process it and it hangs in the air thickly but she doesn’t look up, not even when Raven squeezes her hands twice.

“Our people hates you.” Raven suddenly announces, her anger also boiling up. “What you did was awful and no one trusts you. We don’t trust you.”

“I don’t mind hate.” Lexa says as Clarke looks up to find out that the Commander has been staring at her the whole time and still her face remains an unreadable force. “But I will gain their trust back no matter the cost and no matter the time it takes.”

Her last words are spoken softly and Clarke almost feels as if they are only meant for her but Raven huffs a laugh and hums to herself.  

“You’re not selling yourself very well.” She sneers.

“If you aren’t interested then you wouldn’t be here at all. Tell me what are your terms and we’ll discuss them.”

Lexa is growing irritated with Raven and Clarke can see it even though the Commander’s face doesn’t show any sign of discomfort and her tone remains the same stoic one.

This is all a mask, an act. Clarke has heard different tones coming out of Lexa’s mouth, she’s seen many expressions, she’s even seen small smiles and then she recognizes that she’s only seen all of this when they were alone.

“We’ll come up with a schedule for training and hunting classes.” But her mind is already whirling through everything that she needs to do.

Lexa nods once, accepting this term without a single protest. “In return we will teach your people how to use a gun properly.”

“That won’t be necessary. We won’t be using your guns.”

“Why not?” Raven beats Clarke to ask.

“We don’t need them.” Lexa curtly says, but Clarke remembers what Octavia told them about Grounders being afraid of guns because Mount Weather promised to kill an entire village if a Grounder ever touched one.

At the time she understood that fear because they were obviously being watched by snipers but that’s not the case anymore.

“Mount Weather has fallen. Your villages are safe from them.”

This time the surprised in Lexa’s eyes is quite easy to pick up. Has Clarke really just comforted Lexa?

“You’re right.” The Commander says. “My people will learn how to use guns and your people must learn how to fight. A warrior can’t rely on weapons only.”

“I’m down with that.” Raven accepts and Clarke nods slowly, still thinking about what she said and how tense her friend by her side is. Things shouldn’t be this easy.

“My people needs freedom to hunt and walk without feeling threatened.”

She continues, although knowing that this will be part of the Alliance but wanting to hear Lexa promise this out loud.

“Of course. The same goes for my people.”

Lexa accepts again and if Clarke didn’t believe that laughing right now would be childish she’d have done it. They were never a threat for the Grounders, they didn’t come to Earth looking to start a war. They didn’t even know they could make anything explode until they needed a way to survive.

“There is something that it’s not up for discussion though.” Clarke says thinking about what this Alliance will mean for the leaders of the Ark.

“The Council will have total control of the decisions made within the Ark and that affect our people directly.”

Lexa leans forward, her dislike no longer hidden. “The point of this Alliance, Clarke, is to unite our people and work together as one. Learn from each other and protect both ends as a unit.”

“And who would be in charge of this Union?”

“I am Commander.”

The way she says it, the way the words weight on Lexa’s shoulders isn’t invisible to Clarke. However, the word also carries conviction and finality.

“My people won’t stand by and watch you make decisions that affect us all without being consulted first. We need to protect our interests as well.”

Lexa sits forward then as if she’s trying to close the distance between them, her eyes never leaving Clarke’s as she ponders what’s being said. Raven squeezes the blonde’s hand again and waits until the Commander raises her chin a little in the air and finally nods.

“Okay.”

Her eyes are pure mirth now and Clarke’s blood runs cold.

“Okay?” She asks against her better judgment.

“I accept but I also have one term that is not up for discussion then. If there is going to be a person that leads next to me and protects – as you say- the interest of the People from the Ark in this Alliance, then that person has to be you. Accept this and the Alliance will be done. We will work together as a team for the benefit of our people as one.”

Goosebumps, that’s what Lexa’s final request leaves Clarke with. Goosebumps.

Accepting this will mean staying, it will mean to go back and see everyone, confront everyone.

This isn’t what she wanted, she didn’t want to be involved at all, not anymore. The plan was to close this deal for her people and then leave. For real this time.

“Clarke.” Raven calls softly, her eyes dancing form the Commander to her friend in concern. “Could you give us a moment?”

Frowning, Lexa stands up and for a moment Raven truly believes that she’ll try to touch Clarke, but as fast as she quivered, she collects herself.

“Yes, of course. I’ll be back shortly.”

…

The air suddenly lighter in the room and Clarke’s shoulders fall as she breathes in deeply in relief.

She hasn’t noticed how hard she’s been trying to look composed in front of Lexa until this moment when she feels a weight being lifted of her shoulders.

“This is going far better than I thought it would.” Raven huffs, getting closer to Clarke and lifting her hair from her face. “You look pale. If you’re going to be sick again let me know because I don’t think that the Commander would appreciate it if you vomit in here.”

“Yeah, that would be bad.” She huffs a smile and Raven smirks back.

Why is it so easy to be around Raven when only a few weeks ago the brunette couldn’t stand being around Clarke?

Raven is as mature as Clarke only wishes to be.

“Thank you.”

Raven smiles in response, squeezing her friend’s hand again and without speaking about her obvious weakness but giving support nonetheless.  

“So what do you think?”

“This could be good for our people. I mean, we’re not going anywhere and we need to learn how to navigate this land, and they can help us.”

“Yeah, I got that part. I was talking about the point that isn’t up for discussion.” Raven prompts and Clarke stands from her chair suddenly nervous. She’s isn’t sure how to put this without disappointing the mechanic.

“I wasn’t planning on going back just yet, Raven.”

“But without you this Alliance won’t work.”

The girl frowns and as Clarke paces back and forth, Raven's frown only deepens. “Do you trust her?”

“No” Clarke’s answer comes fast, too fast. “But I trust in her wish to stop another war from coming. Her people comes first after all.”

“No one said anything about a war.” Raven laughs nervously.

“And what do you think it’ll happen if we don’t accept this Alliance?”

Realization downs on Raven completely and she struggles to stand up in haste, barely managing. And Clarke can only observe in silence as the brunette paces around a couple of times, clenching her jaw and frowning, murmuring under her breath what are surely curses directed at the Commander and all the Grounders.

“We’re basically with them or against them, aren’t we?” Raven throws her hands angrily.

“Yes.” Clarke admits.

“Fuck, I hate this! This isn’t what we came down here for. We just want to be left alone! Neither one of us came down here thinking about wars and Alliances and betrayal and getting captured by weirdoes of the Mountains. We didn’t come down here to die!”

Raven’s voice echoes in the closed space and both girls look back at hearing the wooden squeaking at the door.

Lexa is watching them and for the first time Clarke doesn’t see the Commander of the Grounders, she sees a girl, probably her age that has been given the biggest responsibility among her people to carry upon her shoulders and she wears said responsibility like an armor.

“We never thought you did.”

She makes her way inside with Indra following closely behind. The General doesn’t glare at Clarke or Raven this time, she just holds the door open for four women to walk inside carrying trays of food and drinks to set on the table.

“Please, eat with me.”

What is probably a request falls out of the Commander’s mouth like an order, and it’s her tone that sends the four women and Indra to leave as quickly as they’ve come.

Raven huffs before dropping unceremoniously back on the chair again but Clarke takes her time making her way back.

“It’s rude to eavesdrop, you know?”

“Raven.” Clarke warns but Lexa is already confused by the choice of words.

“I don’t know the meaning of that word.” Lexa offers and if she’s offended by Raven’s tone she hides it very well.

“It means to listen to another person’s conversation without their knowledge.”

Clarke's explanation comes like second nature and once again she sees herself falling into this pattern of helping Lexa.

So they serve food on wooden plates and Raven’s anger lessens considerably when she tastes the cooked meet. Clarke watches her friend eat and enjoy this meal but she doesn’t blame her because Raven is not here to make decisions, no, that responsibility is once again on her and if she accepts this deal then said responsibility will stay with her.  

She will be tied down again. She will have to stay.

But Lexa isn’t eating either, her eyes trained on Clarke, calling her to look up, to look at her.

“Eat.”

She encourages when Clarke finally answers her call. Her tone is hard but Clarke recognizes the pleading lacing it.

“Clarke.”

Why does her name sound like that when it rolls out of Lexa’s tongue? Why does it hurt to hear it?

“I’m not hungry.”

She stubbornly says and without looking away from the Commander. To hell if she seems childish. She won’t do anything just because Lexa is telling her to.

She can’t believe the enigma the girl in front of her results to every other person. Clarke isn’t sure if she should count herself lucky because she knows how to read certain aspects of Lexa. Certain, small and maybe even insignificant aspects that is, like the way the brunette would clench her jaw when she’s growing irritated or how she’d raise her chin up when she is giving an order that she doesn’t want to be discuss, like she’s doing right now.

“Then answer this. When was the last time you ate a proper meal?”

Lexa’s eyes burn something within her, aside from the embarrassment and anger, Clarke feels learnt and it’s not a pleasant feeling.

Lexa’s upbringing won’t allow her to understand how she suffers and how she deals or ignores her pain and Clarke knows that the Commander wouldn’t want to waste her time concerning about guilt or regrets when there are far most important things to deal with, like surviving.

And it’s so trivial to talk about eating habits after all the things they’ve done to see another day.

It’s completely absurd to have Lexa, the Commander of the the Twelve Clans worrying about her health, as if she hasn’t left her weeks ago to die in order to save her own people, as if Clarke hasn’t killed hundreds of innocents to do the same.

“We accept this Alliance.” The words fall out of her mouth because she has no other choice, because she doesn’t want to be the reason for another death, because she’s tired. “I will talk to the Council in the Ark and explain what was agreed here today. From now on, we are at peace.”

The smallest of smiles graces Lexa’s lips for a mere second before she’s nodding solemnly and fire burns so bright in her eyes.

“I will let my people know and we shall celebrate this Alliance tomorrow with a feast.”

“That’s not really necessary.”

“It is. My people will expect a celebration to take place and I shall give it to them. To all of us.”

With nothing left to say or perhaps ignoring all the **details** that they’re omitting Clarke can’t wait to get out of this place soon enough.

Suddenly she feels as if she can’t breathe and she needs to distance herself from this space. She stands but Lexa does the same immediately, leaving Raven to catch up.

“We’ll come back tomorrow morning.”

Raven is about to follow a hasted Clarke out but Lexa beats her to it and grabbing the blonde’s arm she forces her to stop and look back.

“I’d like to speak with you in private.”

Her breath is shattered, as if the thought of Clarke leaving before speaking to her is something that she simply can’t fathom and she’s desperate for this chance.

“Please.”

…

 


	4. Truth

**CHAPTER 4**

The hand holding onto her forearm isn’t demanding but it is firm, soft and warm, even through Clarke’s blue jacket.

Suddenly dizzy, she’s forced to close her eyes in contemplation and a weak attempt to put herself together.

As the representative of her people, Clarke can’t be weak, she can’t let Lexa affect her this way, she can’t tremble with a simple touch and yet she is, Lexa’s touch is shattering her.

She wants to run out without looking back but the very same idea makes her ache even harder than staying. A place away from the Commander isn’t wanted anymore.

And it breaks her, the realization that she doesn’t want to be away from Lexa because Lexa’s voice is already too much, is already making her feel inadequate and so eager to stay here and talk, and listen. Oh, how she wants to listen.

“Please.”

She shivers at how close the Commander seems to be standing behind her, her voice whispering near her ear and her resolve dissolves into thin air. The only time in the past she heard this soft tone in Lexa’s voice still very present in her mind and the memory hurts her as much as it fills her with longing for something that was never real and never will be.

“Clarke?”

Raven’s confusion and shock at this turn of events is palpable and if Clarke were to look away from the door she’s currently facing, she’d see her friend trying to get to her and Lexa stopping her with a raised hand.

“Indra.” Lexa calls aloud, her voice carrying on without any trouble to channel the Commander’s order and Clarke still can’t move, she’s too preoccupied by the firm body pressed against her back.

“Heda?” Indra enters and respectfully vows her head in front of them.

“Take Raven of the Sky People outside to wait.”

Raven’s protest dies on her tongue when Clarke manages to nods at her direction. This discussion needs to happen after all and the sooner the better.

“Indra.” Lexa calls again, the General stopping just outside. “She is not to be out of your sight.”

With the General gone and the door finally closed Clarke takes a moment to recognize that Lexa didn’t have to say anything to Indra in English, she could have spoken in their native language just like she has all the times in the past but for whatever reason she wanted her to understand what was being said.

Not for the first time Clarke wishes she’d have picked on Trigedasleng the way Octavia did because she needs it, maybe not right this second but she does.

She walks away from Lexa and she’s only slightly surprised when the Commander doesn’t resist her. She doesn’t turn back to face her, not right away and it’s stupid that now she needs to gathered the courage to even face this woman.

Clarke has always seen Lexa as untouchable but human. Since the first moment she saw her Clarke knew that Lexa, although young in age was someone much older than her in spirit and knowledge, and she hasn’t been wrong.

From that first day they met the Commander has made it a mission to teach Clarke how to be a leader, how to be strong in mind, heart and body; and Clarke was eager to learn but her pride constantly pushed her to hide her weaknesses and ignorance, although she learnt a lot from Lexa and her condescending lessons.

Has she only been trying to survive though?

Grounders respect strength after all and Clarke has been immediately catalogued as the person in charge of the Arkers, the representative of her people even though she has been only trying to save her friends and defeat the men that were killing them. Love is weakness. She gets it, she really does but that doesn’t mean that it’s a concept she’s willing to accept.

However, Lexa’s green eyes shine darker now as she stares at her expectantly and hopeful. And the Commander is gone, Clarke can’t see her anywhere, there is only Lexa, the woman.

It’s almost ridiculous how collected and calm Lexa looks though, her face hiding every sign of concern and distress perfectly, but underneath that exterior Clarke is able to find a tell in her eyes, a minor one.

Lexa is looking at her as if nothing else exists around them, as if nothing else is worth seeing.

“I’ve lost the respect of your people.”

It goes without saying because they both know that she’s lost a lot more than that and gain a lot as well. However, Lexa’s voice is different now that they’re alone and it confuses Clarke to no end.

“You have.”

Looking down Clarke begs her tears not to come, she curses herself and this endless need to cry because she can’t do that here, she can’t shed tears in front of this woman no matter how soft she speaks or how concerned she seems, Lexa still left her to die without looking back.

Her struggle doesn’t go unnoticed. Lexa steps closer again, hands reaching out but never fully touching.

“Clarke, I did what I had to do. You must understand.”

And her tone is impossibly softer now, as if she has a right to be broken along with Clarke, as if she feels her pain or listens to her monsters whispering in the dark.

Clarke knows she doesn’t, of course, Lexa didn’t do what she did. This guilt is only for Clarke to bare, no one else’s.

“I do.”

“Do you?” Lexa presses, her eyes locking Clarke in. The worst part of being this close is that Clarke can see the turmoil in Lexa’s eyes intensifying and maybe she isn’t hunted by the deaths of the Mountain like Clarke is but Lexa _is_ hunted and she _is_ in pain.

“I need you to you understand that when I was called to lead my people I accepted to stop living for myself. My people comes first. I accepted this.”

“I don’t blame you for saving your people, Lexa.”

“You blame me for leaving you behind.”

There it is. That’s the thought that’s been rounding her head all this time. But does she really?

Rubbing her eyes and looking away Clarke is aware of the wet tracks on her cheeks but forcing herself to stop she realizes that she has nothing to feel betrayed for.

They were at war and wars are won through sacrifice. She was left behind but that isn’t what bothers her, surviving in a war is an accident itself, she knows this. The real issue is the person who left her behind and the means that were used to get there. The means were cruel.

And so when she meets Lexa’s pained stared back she gives her nothing but the truth.

“I blame you for making me trust you, for making me believe that you care. There was no need for wicked games, you didn’t need to manipulate me like that.”

“I do care. I care for you, Clarke.” Lexa is quick to assure but her walls are no longer present, none of them are and Clarke is almost terrified when she hears the tremble in the Commander’s voice.

Lexa isn’t just saying these words, she feels them, they are making her bleed, she believes them and her pleading tone should be telling enough.

“Taking that deal was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done as Commander but I had to listen to my head instead of my heart. Victory stands on the back of sacrifice.”

“I don’t think that represented much of trouble to you, or did it?” Clarke shoots back and Lexa takes a step back obviously not expecting this answer and unable to hide the hurt.

It takes only a moment for Lexa to figure something out and Clarke sees realization washing over the Commander’s face like a white sheet that is being lifted and now she can see clearer.  

“My head chose my people but I think you know the direction my heart was pushing me towards. Do not ignore my pain.”

“No more lies, Lexa. It’s done. You got what you wanted and I fended for myself. No more games, there’s no need.”

“You believe I’m deceiving you.”

Lexa swallows hard, her eyes turn impossible sadder. She’s broken by this realization but Clarke won’t see it.

“Please.” Clarke huffs and closes her eyes tightly shut as the world spins around her. She’s dizzy, dizzier than she ever was back in the Drop Ship.

“I understand that it’s hard for you to trust me now, but you did it once. Can’t you try it again?”

Lexa’s voice is soft again but Clarke is getting dizzier by the second and her body feels heavier.

The first time Lexa admitted to care Clarke was shocked and a part of herself told her to not trust the Commander but she did, and although the surprise for what she was doing never left her she wanted to believe that Lexa did care, that maybe there could be something more because the declaration made her analyze her own feelings as well and how strong they had grown at the time.

“Why do you want this Alliance to happen?” She finds herself asking instead of offering the answer she knows Lexa is waiting for.

“My people wanted to eliminate you all, starting with you.” She confesses through squared shoulders and a tight jaw. Clarke knows that Lexa isn’t free of judgment among her own people.

“After what you did you became a threat but I believe that we can learn from each other and leave the past where it belongs. This is believed by many as well. I’ve seen the good in your people and you have proved yourself to be stronger than I ever thought you could be.”

“Another war. You’re telling me that this is your way to save our lives? To save me?”

“I’m not proud of what I did, Clarke. But I won’t apologize for saving my people.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“You shouldn’t apologize either. You did what you had to do.” Lexa says sympathetically and understanding but it does not evoke the expected reaction from Clarke.

“We’re not talking about this.” She shakes her head and reaches out to hold onto the edge of the table. When did the world begin spinning?

“You think I was always like this?”

Lexa isn’t blind to the way Clarke is squeezing the wood to keep herself straight but they’re talking about this and she needs Clarke to understand.

“This guilt you feel right now will turn into anger if you don’t deal with it, anger leads you to make bad decisions and you cannot be selfish because you are a leader and leaders can’t be weak, nor can they be away from their people. You can’t be selfish.”

“I thought we were done with the lessons.”

Clarke sways and Lexa hurries to her side, her presence almost being suffocating to Clarke and it angers her how much she wants to put distance between them but how she finds herself wanting nothing more than to be held by Lexa at the same time.

“You never stop learning, Clarke. You can take this and grow from it or you can continue to hide in the middle of the woods, ignoring your people, ignoring yourself and letting your conscious devour you in the silence of the dark. Do not run from this, face your turmoil and defeat it.”

A gentle hand on her elbow is holding her upright, they’re too close. Clarke can feel the heat emitting from Lexa’s body and almost gets lost in it before she fully understand the Commander’s words and she looks up, glaring into green piercing eyes that don’t show a sign of regret.

“You were spying on me?”

“Ando was protecting your perimeter while you slept away for days. I was just keeping an eye on you.”

“You were spying on me.” Her voice raises but she doesn’t step back as Lexa raises her chin higher, unwilling to apologize or admit to a wrongdoing.

“I was merely protecting you.”

“After you sold me out!”

And all that anger is coming back, mixed with all the pain she’s been trying to swallow down.

“After you left me to die, after you violated our truce and decided that my people and I weren’t worth fighting for!”

On her part, Lexa looks chastised but that’s as far as Clarke is going to get and she knows it but the farthest she steps into the Commander’s space the farthest they walk back because Lexa doesn’t stop her.

It’s almost like a déjà vu, only this time there isn’t a table behind Lexa to stop her advances and Clarke is only growing angrier.

“Now you’re telling me that you were protecting me instead of rejoicing in my weakness?!”

She wants to laugh at the absurdity of that statement and it angers her how shaken her voice comes out. She doesn’t want Lexa to see how much this affects her.

“I could never rejoice in your weakness, Clarke.”

The brunette softly admits, her eyes now speaking a different language that Clarke confuses with vulnerability.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’ve never lied to you.”

“And yet, here you are telling me more lies.”

Lexa takes a deep breath, opens her mouth but whatever she planned to say gets stuck in her throat and for a moment she looks completely lost.

“This is more difficult than I thought it would be. You are not seeing things clearly.”

Clarke is about to agree but decides against it. Lexa can be talking about anything while Clarke is only thinking about being in Lexa’s presence.

But slowly, very slowly she’s starting to feel like herself again, however the knot in her throat doesn’t disappear and the images of hundreds of innocents lying dead on clean floors still flash through her mind with every single blink of her eyes.

Will she ever forget?

“You don’t leave someone to die and then expect them to just forget it.” Clarke says disbelievingly and answering her own question.

“I didn’t think you’d…”

Perhaps noticing her own slip Lexa shuts her mouth closed before finishing that sentence and turns away from Clarke.

“That I’d live?”

Grabbing her elbow Clarke turns the Commander back around to face her and it doesn’t matter that she says nothing in return, the implication was very clear.  

“Everyone knew you’d turn on us. Everyone but me. I trusted you.”

The tears are stinging at her eyes again and to hell if Lexa’s breathing is hitching, to hell if she’s finding it hard to breathe or even look at Clarke!

The dizziness hits her hard though and Clarke sits down before falling on her face. Lexa remains quiet.

Her head is spinning rapidly, her stomach is twitching and she knows she’ll be sick again. The problem is trying to see what brought this reaction to surface and Clarke wants to believe that it is because she hasn’t eaten for two days but she knows that remembering the betrayal has a physical strong effect on her as well that she can’t ignore and that apparently affects her physically. This treachery, this stab carries such a heavy weight that it literally makes her sick to think about.

“It was not my intention, Clarke. I didn’t agree to an Alliance with your people with the wish to betray you.”

Lexa’s voice carries on no longer soft or caring, but rather disappointed. It doesn’t sound like the Commander at all.

“And yet you did.”

Looking back up she can see Lexa’s muscles tensing, her jaw setting and her chest puffing out.

Such an unbreakable fort, such a force to be reckon with. How could she have ever thought that she could trust this person? This person who is obviously bound to live and die for her people and owns Clarke absolutely nothing.

“I cannot talk about the past anymore, Clarke. We need to move on. I need you to move on.”

“I’m not ready to let go.”

Clarke admits out loud. She hasn’t even started to try to move on and she doesn’t feel ready yet. She doesn’t have the strength.

“And I know you believe this to be weakness but I won’t let you strip me from the last amount of humanity I have left. You may be okay with it, your people may be okay with it but I’m not, and I don’t want to be.”

“I would never dream to do that.” There she goes, sounding as if Clarke’s has hit her in the stomach again. Offended and hurt.

“You are incredibly flexible as a leader, Clarke. You choose with you head without ignoring your heart and that’s something I cannot do.”

“No more lessons.” Clarke asks tiredly.

“This isn’t a lesson I’m teaching you. This is a lesson I’m _learning from you._ ”

The dizziness becomes impossible to ignore and slowly but surely, Clarke’s consciousness slips away.

…

Lucidity comes the same way as the arms of sleep surrounded her earlier, slowly at first and then embracing her whole at once.

She feels fur against her cheek, she perceives a sweet hot and musty smell that is so Lexa that her chest immediately tightens, the tears are surely coming but she fights them back, barely controlling them. She fists the soft and warm fur in her hands, willing herself to not cry in this bed.

“Good morning sleeping beauty.”

Clarke blinks herself awake at hearing Raven’s voice, the morning light almost blinding her as she opens her eyes to find her friend sitting next to her on the slight large bed she’s been sleeping.

And she knows where she is even without confirmation.

“Morning?”

Raven nods but Clarke already knows this. Did she really sleep through an entire night?

“You were out for the rest of the afternoon and the whole night.”

Raven fills her in while holding a small wooden plate in her hands and looking like she hasn’t slept all night.

“I cut some fruits for you and you better eat because I’m not letting you out of this bed until you have eaten all of this.”

Clarke takes the plate but not without hesitation. It’s been so long since someone took care of her and even longer since she had breakfast in bed.

Lexa’s bed.

“Where is she?”

Raven follows the slice of apple she picks up until it disappears in her mouth and she doesn’t meet her stare.

“Something about a fight between two hunters by the river. She left not long ago.”

“Was she here the entire night?”

Clarke hates to sound as eager for information as she does but she can’t truly help herself, when it comes to Lexa it’s like she wants to know everything there is to hear.

“Yeah.” Raven admits, the bags under her eyes reminding Clarke that her friend hasn’t slept and she feels guilty for feeling so well rested, but, oh, how she’s missed to sleep somewhere comfortable.

Is that the way she’s been paying her dues unconsciously? By denying herself food and appropriate shelter?

Is her life enough to pay the debt she has against humanity?

“She sat right here the entire night.” Raven pats the foot of the bed as she continues and she’s obviously holding back so much, but she doesn’t give in to her own curiosity. “She refused to leave until this thing with the hunters came up. She had their doctor checking on you every few hours too.”

Why would Lexa sit by her side for hours? If she didn’t think Clarke to be weak before, then she surely does now.

How could she have been so stupid? So weak?

Or maybe Lexa really cares about her.

“Why would she do that? Why would she sit there all night?”

“I don’t know. It was nerve-wracking to be honest. I couldn’t sleep thinking that they were going to slit our throats open or something. I’ve never been scared of her until last night.”

“Everyone at the Ark probably thinks that’s what happened.”

“Nah, some guy named Ando went there last night to inform them that we were spending the night.” Raven pushes the plate back up to remind Clarke that she was serious about her eating and for the next few minutes she focuses on the food which turns out to be more exhausting than she remembers.

Has chewing always tired her?

“We should get going.” Clarke pushes the plate away but not before Raven catches it to inspect it with a critical eye.

“How you feeling?”

“I’m fine, mom.”

It catches them both by surprise how funny they find the comment and it’s unlikely to make something like this light enough to share a laugh without really forgetting how serious Clarke’s state has turned over the last few week but it almost feels normal at the same time.

Two weeks ago, the thought of spending the night in Lexa’s headquarters would have freaked Clarke out but now she finds it funny how unimportant this matter seems to her right now. This is only a room and this is only a bed, no matter who the owner is.

Yes, she still feels embarrassed and she is a hundred per cent sure that this isn’t appropriate leader behavior from her part but it’s the best she can do right now and it’ll have to do until she can do better.

“I’ll get our horses, you get ready to leave, okay?”

With Raven gone to fetch Sky and Screwdriver, Clarke is left to wander in the small space by herself.

Slowly she walks back to the bed and sits on it with her hands stretched out to feel the fur under her palms and she doesn’t know why she’s doing it, just that she needs to.

This is where she sleeps, this is where she doesn’t wear any masks, where in the dark, alone and for a few hours a day Lexa can be who she truly is without worrying of prying eyes and Clarke has the enormous need to know that Lexa.

It’s painful, really, the way her heart aches for being so close and yet a world away from this person at the same time, this person who has taught her the true meaning of hurt and longing, and trust and heartbreak.

Her hands grip the soft feather like pillow that she slept on and without thinking, without an ounce of self-preservation kicking in she buries her face in that pillow, she breathes in deeply and wishes to never forget this scent. This smell of herself mixed with Lexa’s.

But it can’t last and since it’s becoming a habit of making herself a fool in front of Lexa, the Commander clears her throat and Clarke opens her eyes but doesn’t hurry to leave the pillow down and turn around.

She does count the steps getting closer as she sits on the bed again though.

“I’ve been thinking all night about what you said yesterday.”

Lexa’s voice is still soft and hard at the same time, low but firm, and Clarke looks up to find that she’s wearing her armor today, her sword is securely strapped to her back and two knives are on her belt, a light layer of sweat covers her skin and Clarke can’t help but wonder if she had to kill any of the two hunters Raven mentioned before.

It seems so normal to have to kill in this world, so necessary that is wrong.

“Clarke.”

There _is_ something different about Lexa this morning though, something Clarke can’t put her finger on, so she looks intently, trying to see if she can figure it out in Lexa’s eyes but like every other time that she’s tried to read the Commander, she comes out blank.

“I won’t apologize for what I did to safe my people but I can apologize for what I did to you.”

Carefully Lexa sits beside Clarke without breaking eye contact but the blond still can’t see anything that isn’t determination and tranquility, perhaps even acceptance.

“Go on then.” She incites.

A shattered breath leaves Lexa’s lips and her stare transforms into one that Clarke has never seen before and it seems to break Clarke as much as it does Lexa.

“I’m sorry for causing you pain. I’m sorry for making you believe that I was deceiving you and I’m sorry for coming back to your life like this.”

There are no masks to force her way through and no matter how hard Clarke tries to find them, she can’t.

Perhaps this is who Lexa truly is, maybe she’s finally getting a glimpse of who this woman really is behind the walls that she’s built to protect herself and it’s so confusing and terrifying, yet amazing to watch.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s tone turns even softer, shaky. It’s obvious how trying this is proving to be.  

“It makes me feel defeated.” The confession falls through a broken gasp and the blonde knows that these words are hard for Lexa to speak loud.

But Clarke’s heart beats wildly, a sinking feeling settling on her stomach and she just knows that nothing good can come next.

“You make me feel weak and it scares me because you cloud my mind and I’m constantly wondering about your opinion before I make a choice.”

“Why are you doing this?” She asks, conflicted and more than defensive.

“Because I need you to know that I never lied to you and I never will. I know this is hard for you to believe because it is hard for me to accept but it is the truth.”

It’s unbelievable how Lexa would fall back into the same lies for no other reason than to keep Clarke under her thumb. It’s heartbreaking to know that Lexa would play her like this, and for what?

“The truth is that I don’t believe a word you say that doesn’t concern the safety of your people anymore.”

“Clarke, don’t.” Lexa begs softly and reaches out only to have Clarke step back.

“I accept your apology but I won’t stand to be toyed with again. Don’t talk to me about personal matters again. Ever again.”

…


	5. Home

 

**CHAPTER 5**

Two guards are assigned as Clarke’s personal escort and they are to guide them back to Camp Jaha. Lexa’s orders are specifically to not let Clarke unprotected, or so Indra informs her but not without barely contained disdain.

Clarke doesn’t fight the decision, she doesn’t have the strength or the mind for it anyway.

 _Ando,_ the boy Lexa mentioned before, turns out to be a tall and handsome boy that reminds her of Lincoln a little too much. He is young though and much freer too, though his eyes tell the story of a boy who has seen his fair share of brutality but thankfully hasn’t given up.

There is also an innocent quality about him that Clarke finds incredibly attractive and new in the Grounders. He sure smiles a lot too and his eyes turn playful every time he catches Clarke staring at him as they ride towards Camp Jaha.

This kid has been watching her for two whole weeks. Ando has Lexa’s trust and there is no judgment in his brown eyes, which makes Clarke warm a bit more towards him.

They don’t talk on the way back home but the closer they get to the gates the bigger the pressure grows within her.

It’s true that Clarke left since she couldn’t face the people that she saved without remembering all the lives she took to get them home but she also left because she needed the space, and that is something that they won’t understand.

She needed a break from everything and everyone.

Ever since they got to earth Clarke has felt responsible for the people who came down with her and even though she never asked for leadership, that leadership was already upon her shoulders before she even realized and she couldn’t turn her back on it, it was simply not an option.

They were alone, most of them had no idea of what to do and then they were faced with the threat of the Grounders and choices needed to be made, plans needed to be set and someone had to step up because survival became their only gold and Clarke wanted to live.

In less than thirty days she has already met with Anya, unintentionally declared a war that she didn’t know how to end and then she killed three hundred warriors to survive, and that was only the beginning.

Having none of the power to make decisions has been freeing and while she has completely forgotten to take care of herself in those fifteen days that she spent in the Drop Ship she still felt rested, her mind –although not silent- has been lighter and if she had only have a little more time she’s sure that she’d have gotten up by herself and maybe even returned, but on her own terms, on her own time.

But now that weight is back and it has comfortably adjusted itself upon her shoulders once again to stay there, and Clarke has to raise her chin up high and force her body to sit upright to manage to control this weight because it’s threatening to push down on her and that can’t happen, _won’t_ happen.

“So.” Raven’s voice startles Clarke and she blinks to realize how deathly quiet it has been for the last hour or so and how slow they’re advancing.

“What was that all about?”

“What?”

Clarke is distractedly looking up at the sky and seeing the grey clouds preventing the sun from shining. It’s getting colder as the days pass by and she can’t deny that she’s dying to feel how cold it can get just out of curiosity. She’s never experienced winter before.

“Come on. Did she threat you? What happened back there?” Raven attempts to whisper, only they are riding two different horses and Clarke hears her loud and clear.

“No, she didn’t threat me.”

Even now, the idea of Lexa threating her seems so ridiculous that she wants to throw up.

Hasn’t Lexa done enough to show her who she truly is? How is it that her mind still defends a person who she no longer trusts so aggressively?

No, she won’t go that road and analyze every single word that came out of Lexa’s mouth earlier. She has to separate her feelings from her responsibilities so while they’re giving this Alliance another go she cannot become blinded by Lexa again. 

“Is everything alright?” Raven pushes, although tentatively but Clarke just looks at her unsurely and doesn’t offer a verbal answer before looking away.

Things are not alright, things will never be alright but they’ll work together as they did before, only this time Clarke knows exactly what the Commander is capable of if push comes to shove.

It’s impossible to stop thinking about it. Clarke has gone over in her head through many different scenarios where Emerson offered a deal to Lexa and no matter how much Clarke thinks about it the end result is always the same, Lexa would have taken any deal at that point because the Mountain Men didn’t need the Grounders anymore and the army locked inside their walls in cages became disposable the moment the marrow treatment worked.

Clarke is surprised that Cage didn’t disposed of the Grounders sooner, perhaps his plan was to kill them anyway after they were done with the rest of the hundred or they were going to use them to pursue an Alliance themselves.

The truth is that no matter the result the captive Grounders would have been slaughtered and Lexa prevented that successfully.

The last time they were together is also a memory that is constantly surfacing in her mind, their last shared conversation, the way Lexa looked when she invited her to go with her to Polis and how Clarke rejected that invitation because she wasn’t sure if she would survive the war and she didn’t want to make any empty promises.

Was the Commander offended by her rejection? Is that why she betrayed Clarke?

The thought alone is enough to hurt and she struggles with keeping that pain in check. Lexa did what she had to do for her people, that’s all.

“Home sweet home.”

Sarcasm drips from Raven’s voice and Clarke becomes incredibly nervous at the prospect of being fully back, and at the first sight of Camp Jaha gates a chill runs down her spine.

Consciously she knows that it hasn’t been that long since she left but that doesn’t make the time she spent away feel any less eternal. 

She feels like a complete foreigner about to step inside a place she doesn’t belong to.

Two armed guard stand by the gates, both barely smiling when the recognize her and hurry to let her in. They aren’t the only ones on the lookout though. There are many guards keeping an eye out into the woods.

The Ark doesn’t represent freedom by any means but it represented home, it still does and although guilty, Clarke still feels joyful to be back.

But the air becomes heavier to breathe in, it’s like something dense that it’s trying to get into her lungs and it’s just so hard to not sob out because it hurts, it hurts to be back, to be home and feel like she doesn’t belong at all.

Ando and Devon get nasty looks from the guards as they enter the Camp but aren’t exactly denied entrance after Clarke tells them to let them in. It’s so easy to fall back into the role of a leader when she’s listened like this, when she’s not questioned and when every pair of eyes around are trained on her.

And it’s funny how pressured she feels to be strong here, in front of her own people and how little she cared when she was in Ton Dc, when she had Lexa on her corner nothing felt this hard. Or at least when she thought she did.

The Camp itself seems to be larger somehow, more alive and more organized than before. The Council was always good at organizing after all.

Behind a small tree and completely exposed four horses are tied with ropes around the trunk and that is where Clarke directs Sky. The weather is only dropping and she can’t imagine having the horses out in the open like this.

“They can’t be exposed like this. It’s too cold.” She comments, noticing how deep her voice sounds all of the sudden.

Ando is quick to dismount his horse and help Clarke do the same as Devon helps Raven.

“We build home.” His rough voice doesn’t match his kind smile but it pulls at the corners of her own lips, the ghost of a smile. She already knows that Ando will become a good friend.

“This is it.”

Raven lets out a breath as the guys speak fast Trigedasleng, already planning how to build a safe house for the horses. The only words that Clarke picks up from that conversation is _tree_ and _wood_ , which is sad _._

“This is it.”

Aware that she’s being watched Clarke clasps her hands behind her back and hopes that her nervous aren’t showing.

People begin to surround her though and some smile, others look unsure and then Clarke sees a blur running in front of her before she feels friendly arms hugging her tight.

“You’re here!” Monty smiles wide, his excitement barely contained and his body trembling slightly with it. “You really came back, not that ever doubt it but you’re here!”

“I am.” She smiles back, her voice cracking and when Monty hugs her again she eagerly returns the sentiment.

Ando tries to intervene, perhaps misreading the situation but Clarke is quick to assure him that she’s okay.

And Monty’s hug is all it takes for everyone else to gather around and suddenly people are hugging her, children happily hugging her legs and kissing her cheeks, parents thanking her for bringing their children back alive and everyone looks at her as if she’s brought life back.

Has she really? Are they celebrating what she’s done?

“Clarke!” Harper cries out her name before she hugs her tight and she barely has the chance to return the hug before Monroe is hugging her and soon Nathan, which is out of character of him but she doesn’t point it out because she’s overwhelmed by their love. Over his  shoulder she spots the rest of the forty four that are left of the hundred and a sob gets stuck in her throat when instead of guilt she feels joy at seeing them alright, smiling and more than anything, thankful for her return.

She realizes that this is worth celebrating, seeing these faces, alive and smiling it’s worth rejoicing. These are her people, they are the reason why she did all those things and none of them are in vain, never have and never will be. She had a purpose and that purpose is all of them, all of their lives and their smiles.

And she realizes that she can live with this, she can carry this, she can move on with them.

“Clarke?”

The voice of her mother however, makes her feel much younger and vulnerable than she really is but it’s her mother’s arms around her, her kisses all over her face and the undying love that she can feel from the woman that makes her tear up slightly.

As Abby guides her inside the Ark, Clarke spots Jasper watching her from a distance but neither one of them makes a move to get close. He’s had only a few weeks to himself and Clarke can’t even begin to understand how he must be feeling, nor does she really want to. But Jasper isn’t the only one who has lost someone on the ground and if he ever feels the need to fix anything with her, Clarke will make sure to be there for him.

Marcus Kane shakes her hand and awkwardly pats her on the shoulder when Abby walks her inside the meeting room and the doors close behind their backs instantly.

And her mother’s hands are suddenly everywhere, inspecting her face with care and untangling her hair with long and slender fingers and then touching a small scar on Clarke’s forehead with a small frown on her face, probably wondering who hurt her little girl, and her lips kissing away the distance that has grown between them.

“You look thin.” Abby says at last.

“They keep saying that.”

“Well, that’s because it’s very noticeable.” Her lips tremble at the thought of her daughter in solitude and Clarke is tempted to look away.

Clarke knows her mother is glad to have her back and see her alive and well, but she also knows that she’s being analyzed to extreme measures because that’s how her mother works and she needs to understand everything that surrounds her, but pity isn’t something Clarke is looking for or appreciates, especially coming from Abby. 

“I hate to interrupt,” Marcus smiles, trying his best to show a collected front even though he isn’t feeling very confident in what they might be facing once again. “But we have matters that need our attention.”

Abby sits next to Clarke as Marcus paces in front of them, obviously too anxious to sit down in one of the many available chairs around the table.

Raven mentioned that Lexa came with presents and offering an Alliance but she didn’t mention a reason why Marcus and her mother would be left with such concern. It’s clear that they need to be guarded with the Grounders and their differences haven’t been settled yet but perhaps there is something Clarke is missing in this puzzle.

So she tells them about her conversation with the Commander, how she’s accepted to an Alliance and all the terms they had agreed on and as expected both Chancellors don’t wait long before barking out their protests.

Funny thing about power, ironic really, how everyone longs for it and it’s willing to show the rest of the world that they deserve it but there she sits, between the two leaders of the Ark and none of them are recognized as such by Lexa.

“Clarke is just a child!” Abby cries out and Clarke pulls her hand away from her mother’s roughly. Every time she hears her mother calling her that, anger unravels from within her.

If she’s still a child, if any of the Hundred are still children then why were they sent to earth to die? Does her mother really think that there is an ounce of innocence left within her after all that she’s done?

“A child?” She huffs, wanting to laugh at the absurdity of the meaning of the word and barely refraining from it.

“I know you think you’re not.” Abby starts and her daughter sees how strongly she believes the words she’s speaking, how delusional Abby truly is and it saddens her.

“You just turned eighteen for Christ sake! And I know you have seen things that you weren’t meant to this early in your life but Marcus and I have the capacity to lead our people and…”

“Capacity?” Clarke interrupts her out of breath and it’s not because she’s physically tired but because she finds it hard to believe what her mother is saying right now. How blind can Abby truly be if she thinks Clarke is still a child that should be treated as such!

“Sending a hundred children to unknown territory on an experimental mission to save your lives isn’t capacity mom, its cowardice, its fear and believe or not none of us are children anymore.”

Her mother looks seconds away from reprimanding her and Clarke notices how little the woman has learnt from her time on the ground, how little her own mother knows and respects her, and how condescending it is, how insulting.

“What your mother is trying to say is that one of us should have been there to be able to decide whether or not we accept this Alliance. Unfortunately we couldn’t leave the Ark unattended yesterday, a lot of people were and still are delicate. The winter is being hard to many and we can only expect it to be worse if the weather continues to change.”

Marcus intervention is a bit tranquilizing but Clarke can’t look away from her mother’s stare and pursed lips.  

“I know exactly what my mother meant to say.” Not being able to let her anger aside Clarke breaks eye contact but suddenly has no strength to stand.

“Don’t be unreasonable. I am not trying to cut your actions short but Marcus and I are the leaders of this Camp.”

“And you think I’m trying to take that leadership away? There’s no need to remind me of who is in charge. I know it well. I don’t want to be a leader.”

Abby sits straighter all of the sudden, her posture changes from a formal one to one of superiority and Clarke catches on to what’s really going on. Her mother feels threatened by her and it’s the single most stupid thing she can think of because she has no desire to belong in the damn Council whatsoever or to steal anyone’s power.

“No one feels that way, Clarke.” Marcus is fast to assure, only Clarke knows how difficult this is for her mother and it all comes down to the fact that she didn’t ask for this, she never wanted this position, she didn’t attend this meeting with the wish for power, she came here only to inform and to make sure that her people will be taken care of.

Staying wasn’t even in her original plan.

“If we didn’t accept this Alliance there would have been another war.” No need to sugarcoat it anymore.

“Are you sure?” Marcus is by her side, wide eyed and more anxious than before.

“Did she threat you to accept this Alliance?”

“I’m sure and there were no directs threats. I accepted this because it’s the only choice we have right now and because the Commander is right, we can learn a lot from each other. We don’t need more wars.”

Both Chancellors get into a discussion about trust and wars, and terms that were left out at the meeting that quickly give Clarke a headache and all she can focus on is how good being alone felt just yesterday.

So she limits herself to observe and to listen to Marcus trying to be practical and her mother unwilling to let go of the little power she still holds onto and feels protected by.  

_Do not ignore my pain._

The line repeats itself over and over again in Clarke’s head and no matter how badly she wants to forget, she can’t. The Commander has never looked as vulnerable as she did this morning and Clarke doesn’t want to admit it but seeing that side of Lexa has always shaken her because no one else is allowed to see it and this is something that Clarke is certain about.

Love is weakness. It’s one of the first lessons she remembers Lexa teaching her. And Clarke hasn’t forgotten the words, nor the story that accompanied said lesson and true to Lexa’s words, killing Finn is forever imprinted in her memory.

Having the Commander admitting to feeling weak because of her isn’t something that Clarke can accept easily either, or believe it. She has seen how ruthless Lexa really is, how heartless and cold she can become when the situation calls for it, and her head begs her to be reasonable but her heart screams to leave an open door because she has also seen pain in Lexa’s eyes as well as love.

Choosing with her head but following her heart will be the most difficult thing she ever attempts to do.

“We have to attend a feast.” She finds herself announcing and at the shocked expressions of Kane and her mother she takes a deep breath, preparing to whatever comes next because as immature and _childish_ as it is, she has not been listening to a single word they’ve been talking about.

“What?” Both Chancellors ask in unison.

“The Grounders expect a celebration after the Commander informs them about the Alliance, which I’m sure she already has.” 

As expected both begin to protest just as quickly. What if it’s a trap? What if Lexa wants the Chancellors there to finally kill them off? What if Lexa wants the Ark unprotected? And so on.

“It’s not optional. We have to be there.” She tiredly interrupts and she feels dizzy again, she really should begin treating herself better now that she’s back.

“Look, I did my best and managed to protect our interests, so all the decisions taken within the Ark are still ours to make. You are still the Chancellors and will continue to be. I don’t want your jobs and Lexa just needs to be informed of our activities.”

“And you did well, Clarke. We are thankful for what you’ve done with the Alliance.” Marcus offers with a small but sincere smile that touches her, and she notices that he has changed, she can’t say how or when it happened but Marcus isn’t the man she used to know in the space.

“This is still your Council, I don’t want any part in it. I’ll just be your informant if that’s what you want me to be.”

Still dizzy and weak, Clarke forces herself to stand up and aim for the door. She’s informed the Council about the meeting, now she has no business being here, no decision is hers to make anymore and she doesn’t want it to be.

“Where are you going?” Abby asks, following her.  

“I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to sit around this table, I want to be out there with my people.” It’s frustrating how exasperated she sounds but just _needs_ to get out of this room.

“You’ve put yourself in this position and now you’re quitting?” Abby raises her voice.

“I didn’t put myself anywhere. I left!” Clarke yells back, all that frustration transforming quickly into anger. “And I wasn’t ready to come back but I went to the meeting and I made a decision the best way I could giving the circumstances. You put me in that position, not me. Now there is nothing to be discussed because the Alliance and the terms were already agreed between the Commander and myself. You weren’t there and you should have been. If you want to go to another war that I assure you we have no chance at winning then be my guest and propose it. But understand this, I won’t back you up and you will be locked up for treason.”

Clarke sees her own shock reflected in the eyes of the Chancellors but she can’t take any of it back now. This is how she feels and these aren’t empty threads and she doesn’t know how she’ll make it happen, just that she will.

“I’ve seen too many of my people die here and I’ve had enough. I can’t go to another war. I can’t force anyone to die for the decisions that I make.”

But shock transforms into real mockery in her mother’s face just as quick as the power has overcome Clarke a second ago.

“You’re forgetting that you hold no power to put anyone in prison here.” Instead of submission, Abby’s words trigger Clarke far angrier and more determined than before. 

“Wanna bet?” She challenges right back and meets her mother’s glare without fear because she has none left.

“Enough!”

Marcus finally stands between the two women, stricken to see such a confrontational stance between mother and daughter.

“No one is suggesting breaking this Alliance, we’re merely concerned because the Commander had no problem leaving us all behind the last time we held one. You have to understand that trusting her is difficult. How can you expect us to celebrate any of this?”

“You don’t have to trust her.” Clarke responds, her eyes never straying from her mother’s. “You only have to trust her wish to keep her people safe. Her people comes first. Always will. If we don’t attend the feast it will be taken like an act of war and we are one again.”

Remembering how little they all mean to Lexa is heartbreaking every single time and this one is no different. Lexa doesn’t really care for her or any of the people at the Ark. Lexa is only trying to avoid another war because she knows that this time Clarke has the means to defend herself without her help.

“Do you believe her?” Kane breaks through her thoughts.  

“We have no other choice.”

Abby has gone back to the table and Marcus is left to glance back and forth between the two of them, as if afraid another discussion is about to unravel and eager to not let it happen.

“A feast, you say?” He prompts, somehow smiling and curious after a little while.

“Tomorrow morning.”  

“Then a feast we shall attend.”

Without a second look at her mother Clarke is quick to leave the room but not quick enough to not listen to Abby’s voice raising as she begins yelling her discontent to Kane.

Taking a moment to collect herself out in the hallway, Finn’s face flashes through her eyes and she breathes in deeply and with difficulty. She curses for allowing this memories to surface because it still hurts to think about Finn and his memory always comes back when she’s not quite well.

Fighting with her mother is certainly a new development on their relationship and one that Clarke can’t see herself getting used to anytime soon because of how exhausting it is.

Next to Finn’s memory Lexa’s is quick to appear in her mind’s eye and this time her tears spring so fast that she can’t really fight them back. Why does Lexa hurt so much?

Inside the iron walls of the Ark there isn’t much space to breathe, there is no blue sky when she looks up and there is no green to marvel at and home doesn’t feel like home anymore, she wants to be outside, not inside meeting rooms and round cold iron tables.

The tears stop but the pain in her chest doesn’t go anywhere. How is she supposed to work with Lexa when she can barely breathe when she’s thinking about her? How can she work at all when her mother insists on controlling her every move?

She doesn’t want to answer to anyone, she wants to be free from the Ark and Lexa at the same time.

“Clarke?” Bellamy is standing a few feet away, his face an unreadable mask after probably having witnessed her breakdown in the empty hallway.

“So we meet again.” He says with a subtle raise of his eyebrows and she has to fight the urge to run into his arms.

“So we do.”

He does hug her but there is nothing rushed about it, he hugs her tightly and unsecure, almost as if he’s thought that he’d never get the chance to do it again and she disappears in his strong arms but she’s comfortable, a calm washes over her as she presses her cheek to his shoulder and breathes in his strength. This is a friend she can trust.

When they pull back he doesn’t remove his hand from her waist and she stays close. He’s wearing a uniform now, carrying a gun and it’s exactly where Bellamy belongs that Clarke feels once again like a foreign in a distant land and it hurts all over again.

“You’re a guard now.” She observes dumbly and gaining a crooked smile from him.

“Had to keep myself busy, you know?”

They walk outside together but the silence that falls upon them is too defeating and Bellamy stops at the entrance of the Ark where Clarke can see Ando and Devon building some kind of cabin, not too large or wide, just enough for the horses to have a place to spend the night guarded from the cold.

“Octavia said she found you in the Drop Ship.” Bellamy says casually but Clarke doesn’t take her eyes off of the guards Lexa has assigned for her, her mind going through all the possible scenarios why the Commander thought they were necessary.

Is there something else out there that Clarke is not aware of? Another threat? Someone looking for her?

“Are you okay?”

She knows Bellamy wants a real answer, long and explanatory of her last two weeks alone but when she turns around and meets his stare she can’t give him anything more than a simple affirmation.

If Lexa always knew where she was, why didn’t she come for her earlier? Why wait two weeks before offering an Alliance? Why give Clarke so much power now?

“I shouldn’t have left.” She murmurs after a while, her thoughts still jumbled. “This is where I’m needed.”

She scans the faces of the forty four she brought back from the Mountain slowly and with so many regrets. Is true that they all are a single community but the Hundred will always feel separated from the rest of the Camp, there is no denying that. They were separated from these people, they were thrown away as if they were disposable and they survived alone on Earth when they had no contact whatsoever with the Ark. They’ll never forget that, no one will ever be able to erase that from their memories and Clarke will always feel responsible for them, as they will always look at her the way they are doing it now, like she is their leader.

“You needed some time for yourself, we all get that. Everyone always knew you’d come back. I took care of them, Clarke. Just like you asked me to.”

And she knows Bellamy is talking about them, about the forty four left, about their people.

“I’m here now. And I’m not leaving my people again.”

…


	6. Criminals

**CHAPTER 6**

They look happy and Clarke lets their enthusiasm infect her as she listens to story after story of what has happened in her absence.

They sit around a small fire outside of the Ark where Octavia is roasting squirrels on a stick after Lincoln peels them off their skin on a side and Clarke observes the way they all dance around them with a familiarity bigger than the one they all had before.

While the Camp itself seems to be growing into a well formed civilization, this side of it is small and lacking in comparison with the rest. And maybe Clarke could have assumed that this is a rare occurrence, that this outside meal by a small fire is a special occasion but as Octavia collects supplies and carries small dishes out from a tent she realizes this is where they eat every day and it isn’t inside the Ark at all.

Her reaction burns from within, a dangerous fire that instantly makes Clarke hurt all over because they are still outsiders and they still aren’t considered part of their community as they should be. Hadn’t they won the respect of everyone else? Weren’t they the ones who risked their lives for them? Haven’t they proved their value?

She should have never left, she should have been here when they all came back, and she should have made sure her people had a roof above their heads before leaving.

Bellamy has been lucky but he has also been a Guard before. What do the rest of them have? All of them are still underage, they’ve never had real jobs or assignments before they were locked up and later on sent to earth to die.

“Listening is crucial for a leader.” Lincoln stand next to her, his hands still busy cutting through the small animal’s fur and skin with a precision that only comes from practice.

“As crucial as observing, I imagine.”

He bobs his head in agreement but his eyes are staring up into the trees that surround the walls around the Ark, and when Clarke follows his line of sight it doesn’t take her long to see the few Grounders perched on the branches watching them, studying them.

Without meaning to, she pictures Ando doing the same outside the Drop Ship, keeping an eye on her, never blowing his cover but always going back to the Commander with a report.

“A leader must have eyes and ears everywhere, for the world is never silent or still.”

He goes back to peeling off the animal’s fur as Clarke follows the movement of his hand with curiosity. Lincoln must be only a few years older than Clarke but he is so much wiser, and just like she feels with Lexa, there is also a lot that she can learn from him.

There is laughter and for the first time since she got back, Clarke realizes that her return is making them smile and not their current situation in the Ark because now the four tents standing on the far side seem too small and too big at the same time, and also because she’s just understanding where exactly is _her_ people sleeping and eating, and _living_ , and it’s not acceptable _._

And they’re working, they are contributing, they are still trying to be a part of the community and yet, they aren’t eating with the rest of them, they don’t have a safe roof above their heads and they don’t seem to have been pardon at all. They are underdogs and the promise on which they have been sent down hasn’t been fulfilled.

“Hold on one second.” She has to interrupt Monty’s story about how he’d messed up with one of Raven’s newest radios a few days back and between laughs they all gather just a little bit closer to her.

She looks at them, slowly and carefully searching for something that tells her that she’s come to the wrong conclusion, but even as she does it she is certain that she won’t find it and she can’t understand why they’d be treated like this. Why would her mother allow such treatment?

Nathan is the closest to her and right now the purple bruise on his jaw and left eye carries too much weight and it’s more visible than before. There is a story behind his injuries and she needs to know it.

“What happened to you?” His nostrils flare, his chest rises with anger and his fists shake on his sides visibly.

Silence falls upon everyone and no one speaks, no one moves, the air itself seems to have stopped blowing and it’s obvious that he’s been holding back, that whatever he’s about to tell her he’s been dying to tell her since the moment she returned.

“I tried to defend my father.” Clarke waits for him to keep going but he’s too angry, too shaky and it keeps building up within him but it won’t allow him to keep talking. For a moment he resembles one of Raven’s bombs, ready to explode, dangerous to keep contained and unstable.

“Someone better starts talking.” Her request is met with even more silence.

Looking around and her eyes catch sight of Bellamy doing guard by the fence with a gun in his hands and wearing a uniform that makes him _belong_. He has already been trained and the Ark is low on guards with no low time to train any more. More than a guard, Bellamy looks like a piece on a chess match and it makes her sick to think about what he’s been doing.

Where is he sleeping? Where does he eat? Does he get paid? Has he been pardoned?  

“Nathan’s dad is in prison.” Octavia says without moving from her spot by the fire. The dark bags under her eyes now more visible too. “He tried to help us, a few tried to help us actually but they couldn’t and we’ve been out here ever since.”

“We’re all waiting for trail, Clarke.” Raven informs her sadly, angrily.

“You weren’t a prisoner before.”

“But I am a criminal. I stole a ship to come down here, remember?”

The mechanic rolls her eyes at the admission because they both know that Abby helped her steal the Ship and it was her idea to do so. Everyone knows that if they were still in the Ark Raven would have been floated long ago because she’s already over legal age, and what is her mother’s angle here?

“And since there is no place to keep us all locked up, they’re keeping us outside until each one of us can have an audience.”

An audience, as if they had killed and not sent to die by the same people that now is calling them criminals.

“And where is you dad?”

Nathan’s frown deepens, his fists are clenched. “They have him locked up in a room. They won’t let me see him or talk to him. I don’t even know if he’s alive.”

With each word he speaks the bigger Clarke’s anger grows. If her mother was a rightful Chancellor then she’d have locked herself up weeks ago. And where has Bellamy been through all of this? Where does he stand?

“I thought you were working?” She looks at Raven, thinking that maybe she misheard because if they’re treating the mechanic as a criminal then surely they wouldn’t have her working for them.

“I am.”

But they have sent them out to look for her when they needed her even though they are outsiders to their own home. They are using them to their convenience, why?

Octavia huffs and shakes her head, her long dark braided hair waves in front of her face to mask the anger she’s feeling, and she isn’t the only one who looks unhappy and bitter. But more than anger, Clarke sees fear in every pair of eyes she meets and it serves to fuel her own discontent.

She needs to fix this, and soon.

“Clarke? Chancellor Griffin is looking for you.”

Bellamy’s firm voice breaks through as he looks around weary and worried even though he’s trying to present a strong front. This has been obvious since Clarke stepped through the gates, Bellamy’s absence has been the biggest tell that things weren’t okay. And they refuse to see him, they refuse to acknowledge him, even Octavia.  

“I will fix this.” Clarke vows before she strides towards the meeting room thinking of all the things she wants to say but probably won’t because no matter what her mother believes she is not a child anymore.

Now she can see how wrong she’s been in leaving, in abandoning them to the hands of the people that abandoned them first. How cruel the Council can really be though and how biased her mother’s opinion has become. How can she call Clarke a child when she has shoved aside children younger than her?

Do they even count with some kind of support from the Council?

“We have asked everyone to gather in a few minutes outside.” Her mother is telling her as soon as she steps foot inside the room and Marcus looks at her apologetically. At least he seems to have some regrets that Abby clearly doesn’t. “We will inform them of this new alliance you have brought upon us.”

“When were you going to tell me that _my_ people is going on trial? That you are keeping them outside of these walls as if they were strangers? Were you even going to tell me?!”

To hell with formalities, this is her mother and Clarke needs to hear whatever she has to say.

“Your people?” Abby retorts condescend, as if the notion of Clarke stepping up is something she can’t conceive entirely and she has no duty whatsoever to give her the answer she awaits.

“Yes, mother. _My_ people. The ones I’ve been fighting for since you sent us here, the ones that…”

“The ones you abandoned, you mean?” Abby cuts her off, making Clarke take a step back slowly, shocked.

“How can you…?”

“Abby, this isn’t really necessary.” Marcus tries to intervene but neither woman’s stare strays to him for a second.

“Clarke, this isn’t really something that concerns you.”

The Chancellor continues and behind the strong façade Clarke can recognize the growing regret in Abby’s eyes but she knows well that that regret isn’t because of her words but her mother’s stubbornness to accept that she cares for the Hundred, or what’s left of them, as if the notion of having Clarke _believing_ that they are her people is a burden she’s placed on her and that now wants to take away.

She regrets having lost Clarke’s childhood but she fails to notice that she is the only one to blame for that.

“Of course it concerns me. You promised us a clean slate when you sent us down here if we survived.”

“There are real criminals among them, Clarke.” Abby states scandalized, unwilling to even try to see her point.

“Don’t you see that you’ve already sentenced us to death once?. Why can’t you see that more than half of us has died here? We have already paid for our crimes and it’s time that you notice it.”  

“The law is the law and it’s my job as Chancellor to enforce it!”

Agitated and defiantly, Abby’s voice raises as Clarke takes deep breaths in an effort to calm down.

Abby has always represented rightfulness and courage in Clarke’s eyes and Clarke is certain that her mother’s values are inside the Chancellor’s chest as well but Lexa’s words come to mind. _Head over heart_. Her mother is also choosing head over heart in order to keep control within the Ark. Show with example, they would always say in school and that is exactly what her mother is trying to do.

But Clarke knows more than that now and she sees right through Abby’s hypocrisy. How can she have Raven be treated like a criminal when it was she the one who made her such?

Head over heart. Clarke needs to stand by her people and this need is growing up inside of her again so quickly, it’s scary. 

“There won’t be any trials, mom. We don’t deserve it and I know that you are aware of this but no one will point their fingers at you if you hand recognition where it is deserved. I can assure you of that.”

Leaning forward on the table that separates them, Abby accentuates. “They are criminals.”

“Not them, mom, we.”

The Chancellor looks over to Kane in surprise. This is exactly the way that Nathan’s father must have reacted when Abby Griffin informed that there will be trials for the forty four survivors and this is why now he sleeps in a cell.

“You aren’t a criminal, Clarke.” She says and the worst part is that she looks so confident in that statement that it actually scares Clarke because Abby believes those words.

“I killed a man with my bare hands, I slit his throat when he was giving me some advice because I had to run. I was scared and I didn’t trust him.”

Abby’s eyes widen at the revelation but Clarke is far from done. For the first time she doesn’t care if she’s hurting her mom, she needs to hear this, she needs to accept it, and she needs to know who Clarke is now.  

“I tortured Lincoln the day we met him, I watch him get electrocuted and beaten, and I did nothing to stop his pain because I needed answers. I burnt three hundred Grounder warriors to ashes. I shot Dante while his son listened on the radio and I killed everyone on Mount Weather. I am a **criminal** , mom. I’m a killer.”

“You did it to protect yourself.” Abby weakly fights back, unwilling to accept what’s she’s listening, something so visibly shattering her. 

“I had a reason to do what I did, as did everyone else you call a criminal when they broke the law at one point. Laws that don’t apply here the same way they did in space because the only thing that matters is surviving.”

She hasn’t noticed how strongly she’s gripping the round table or how fuzzy the edges have become, how dizzy she really is, until the moment Abby opens her mouth again and she can’t hold herself any longer.

Abby is still talking, alarmed and convinced when Clarke passes out.

…

She wakes up sweaty and breathless from a dream where it was Dante the one shooting her mom with Clarke watching without being able to do anything to stop it. Even the thought of Abby dying is enough to break her heart in two, no matter how angry she still is with her mother.

Weakly, she wipes a few tears away from her cheeks, only to find out that she’s in a strange room, lying on a hard bed that smells like pure alcohol and with a plate of food waiting for her on the small nightstand to her left.

When she was alone in the Drop Ship it didn’t matter if she passed out, in fact it was the only way she counted on to rest for a few hours because sleep didn’t come easy, but she can’t allow that to continue since she’s been forced back. She can’t be weak, she can’t afford to pass out at any given time because there are people who count on her, there are people who need her and she simply can’t be selfish anymore.

Lexa’s words prove to be true once again. There is no place for selfishness anymore because she has also given her life to her people, nonverbally and perhaps even unwillingly but it has happened and she can’t undo it.

She sits on the edge of the bed but not without effort, her hands massage her neck as she leans forward to rest her elbows on her bended knees and she lets out a long breath. How tired she feels although she has just woken up, her own body feels heavier than she’s used to though she’s been told several times that she’s lost weight and she should feel lighter.

She has no idea how she even ended up in this room, if she was carried or by whom. Spotting mirror hung on the wall she stands on wobbly legs to get to it and she notices that they haven’t been wrong.

Deep dark circles surround her eyes and her cheekbones have become much accentuated, the hollowness of her cheeks and the firm line of her jaw is so very visibly that she feels slightly sick of her own reflection.

She’s looking at a stranger staring right back and it scares her how much she’s let herself go, how little she’s cared and even though it’s hard to admit she’s much more afraid to think about what would have happened if Octavia hadn’t found her when she did.

Would she have forgotten to eat at one point? Complete give up?

She uses some water to wash her face and mouth but doesn’t touch the food. Her people don’t eat inside the Ark, so why should she accept this food? The fact that she’s been put on a bed alone is making her sick, she won’t accept any special treatment because her mother is Chancellor.

She leaves the room and once in the hallway she knows exactly where she is and it doesn’t take long to find her way outside the metal walls. Her mother can’t expect her to eat and sleep comfortably after their discussion, can she? Clarke won’t take it and she won’t stop fighting back until all of them are treated equally.

However, as she steps out she finds out it’s already dark and the majority of the population has already gone to bed, and she curses herself for being so weak.

Raven waves her over with her hand to the small bonfire at the limit of the perimeter where they’ve been pushed to the limits like they’re some kind of plague that needs to be away from the rest of them, where they are still being held guilty of crimes that no longer carry any weight on earth or even importance. Most of them have stolen food or medicine for their families and those aren’t crimes to be punished for, not where they are now.  

“Where the hell were you?” The mechanic asks and Clarke sighs in disbelief. Her mother can really be a despicable person sometimes. Is she incapable of giving her even a little courtesy?

“I had to lay down for a little while. I wasn’t feeling so well.”

“A little while?” Raven huffs, a single eyebrow rising up her forehead, obviously displeased. “You missed the announcement. It wasn’t pretty.”

She sits on the floor beside Raven and breathes. How convenient her weakness has come in handy for her mother. She didn’t want Clarke showing any signs of leadership and now thanks to a faint, she hasn’t shown any.

“Clarke.” Ando looks angry and worried as he falls to his knees in front of her looking almost defeated.

“Is something wrong?” She quickly asks, taking in the sight of her guard.

“We didn’t know where you were. Your mother wouldn’t tell us anything. These guys put up a strong fight.”

If her mother were a little smarter she would have wanted to avoid concerning the Grounders that Lexa has ordered to protect Clarke, no doubt this will reach the Commander’s ears.

“I’m sorry I worried you. I’m fine. My mother wouldn’t hurt me.”

She won’t admit how little trust she has in those words herself but she still needs all of them to believe them. Ando vows his head, his hair bobbing to the front, framing his frowning face.

“We must leave at sunrise. Heda will want to begin the celebrations early in the morning.”

“About that.” Raven interrupts.

“What is it?”

“You mother announced the people who will go to this feast and none of us _criminals_ is going. It looks like you’re on your own tomorrow.”

Clarke wants to laugh at the absurdity of that statement, and she does, as childish and ridiculous as it looks she laughs because strength is rushing through her veins again, and maybe she’s mistaking it with anger but she is not willing to give up just yet.

“We’ll see about that.”

…

What hurts most about all of this is that Clarke truly doesn’t want to defy Abby, she wants to respect her position and honor her as a mother as well, even though she still hasn’t forgotten the reason her father is dead in the first place, but it seems as if Abby’s mission is to prove that she is in charge when it doesn’t need to be proving at all.

Clarke isn’t stupid, her mother obviously feels threatened by her and the position she’s taken when she first arrived to earth but she refuses to see that Clarke has no interest in her place and it hurts to think of her mother that way but she won’t turn a blind eye this time.

Whatever feelings her mother holds against her won’t play in her favor in front of the Commander and this new Alliance that Clarke arranged between them. Lexa has never liked nor respected the Council, that much is clear and if her mother thinks that she’ll be able to outsmart the Commander then she is obviously mistaken. Lexa is by far the most intelligent, most wise person Clarke has ever met and her mother could see that if she wasn’t so keen of pitching her as a child.

When the sun is rising Clarke stands by the door flanked by Ando and Devon, and behind her the forty four that were taken by the Mountain Men. Bellamy is the first one to come running, riffle in hand and wearing battle gear.

“What are you doing?” He asks worriedly, his eyes going back and forth from Clarke to the Ark.

“We’ve been invited to a feast.”

“The Chancellor is getting ready to go. You know the plan.” Bellamy doesn’t know that her mother decided all of it on her own, that Clarke had no idea that she’d be the only one from her people to assist.

“The Chancellor can catch up with us.”

Bellamy shakes his head in exasperation, trying and failing to see the point behind Clarke’s actions. “Don’t do this. This is exactly what your mother expects you to do. We have specific orders to stop any of you if you try to leave this camp. Don’t make me do this.”

“Remember when you used to be one of us, Bellamy?”

He takes a step back, as if Clarke has slapped him and hurt spreads over his face.

“I am one of you.”

“And yet, you sleep in a comfortable bed and people don’t refer to you as _criminal_.”

This time she doesn’t wait to see a reaction and rounds him to make her way to the gates. But the rest sees Bellamy’s downcast eyes and regret covering his features, they also see Octavia staring hardly at him on her way past but they also see the moment he drops his riffle to the floor and rips his bulletproof vest off of him before catching up with Clarke at the front again.

“It might not seem like it but I kept my promise Clarke. I kept them safe.”

It’s the look in his eyes that tell Clarke that there is so much more to this story but this isn’t the time because right now they have four armed guards to face and all the members of the Council that are jogging towards them as well.

“Clarke, what are you doing?” Her mother spits out whens she’s close enough to keep her voice down but not cool enough to keep herself calmed.

“Please mom, don’t try to get in our way.”

“They are no leaving this camp.” Abby grits out, motioning to Clarke’s people with disdain.

“Yes, they are. They are coming with me.”

“I’ve already chosen the party that will come to the feast with us.”

“And now I’m choosing mine.”

Her mother takes a step closer but Clarke knows she isn’t trying to intimidate her, -although most might think that she is- she’s only trying to reason with her and Clarke regretfully realizes that her mom perhaps sees this as some kind or tantrum that a child would perform to get it’s way.

“You can’t call my people criminals without including me and you can’t force us to stay here because we won’t sit still and watch this Alliance go to hell just because you were too stubborn to see beyond these fences.”

The Chancellor takes a deep breath, eyes widening and fists clenching by her sides. She won’t fight Clarke, she won’t give into this childishness.

“Mr. Blake, escort these kids back to their tents, they’re not going anywhere.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am but I won’t do that.”

At Bellamy’s response several guards step forward, ready to take on the task, eager to please their Chancellor.

“We are not prisoners, so don’t treat us as such.” Clarke watches from the corner of her eye how her own guards have their hands on the tilt of their swords and she knows that they won’t hesitate to act if they feel threatened.

“You are ignoring an order from your Chancellor, Clarke. I don’t need to remind you how such an act of disrespect is punished in the Ark.”

“You certainly don’t.” Clarke curtly agrees, memories of her father invading her mind, of the many that were brave enough to call on the Council’s bullshit and be murdered in response.

“But I’m not disrespecting you. I am the one who is facing this Alliance and I stand by what I said when I told you that I’m not looking to be in the Council, but I need my people to go with me to this feast. Now you can choose to shoot us while we walk through those doors but be certain that we will fight back, or you can simply join us.”

The guards stand frozen at their posts waiting for the Chancellor’s orders and with a nod of her head Clarke sends Bellamy off to open the gates, Lincoln helps him and soon they’re on the other side of the Camp.

Clarke stands just outside and with the blood running fast through her veins she can feel her heart beating so hard it makes her body shake with adrenaline. She waits until everyone is out and on their way with Octavia and Lincoln on the front to turn around to look at her mother.

“Mom.” Abby doesn’t look at her for a moment but when she does Clarke feels like a child again by the way her mom is looking at her. She almost looks disappointed.

“I know Lexa thinks of you as our leader, I’m not blind Clarke. But I’m beginning to think that you believe so as well.”

“I don’t want this and things would be so much easier if Lexa could just accept that you are the Chancellor but she doesn’t, and if this is the part I have to play out in order to help keep our people safe then I’m willing to do it but don’t expect me to follow whatever you think it’s best just because you carry a pin, mother.”

She not surprised to find her two guards just a step behind her when she turns around, both looking feral with kohl painting their faces and fisting their weapons dangerously tight making Raven and Bellamy look so small in comparison beside them, but their eyes hold the same ferocity and Clarke isn’t sure of who would be more dangerous in an encounter right now. She doesn’t really want to find that out either.

With heavy steps she advances and the ones that have been waiting for her follow quietly.

When they first arrived on earth she understood why the Ark did it, although it hurt how they have been sent to a sure death, she understood the desperation to survive and thought that in the position of Chancellor she’d have done the same thing. Criminals were a small price to pay if Earth wasn’t survivable and she’d have taken that chance because it also meant that they’d have a few more weeks of oxygen, of food and water.

But the Council didn’t think it through at all. They were sending a group of rebels down to Earth expecting them to act as loyal and respectful of the same laws that locked them away and eventually disposed of them like garbage.

Even in those first few minutes she woke up in the Drop Ship Clarke knew that that wasn’t going to happen, she knew it was going to be chaos but she wasn’t counting on the many ways they’d grow close together and ultimately turned them into a misshaped family of sorts that was far from being perfect or even functional, but was a family nonetheless.

“They’re coming.” Bellamy’s voice breaks her out of her thoughts and she doesn’t need to turn around to check for herself because the footsteps behind are telling enough.

“You think they’ll let us back in?” Raven asks and Clarke notices how much faster the girl is walking now, perhaps is the rush of blood that seems to be cursing through of all them at the moment that is pushing her slightly hard or maybe she’s doing better, she hasn’t have the time to ask.

“We survived without them once and we will again if we have to.”

She means every word she says while hoping that they won’t have to because if they decide to shut them out then she’ll be back to being a leader, she’ll be back to guide her family and she’s not sure if she’s ready for that again.

Flashbacks of bloody children lying on concrete floors steal her breath away. Emerson is still alive, no one has found him and he’s most likely plotting revenge because that’s the only thing he has left. Clarke took everything away from him. Clarke took everything from the Mountain, including the life of every soul that lived there and has no doubt that she’s first on Emerson’s list.

Lincoln stands by a tree waiting and Clarke notices he isn’t wearing grounder clothing anymore, instead he wears jeans and a windbreaker from the Ark, although his sun kissed skin makes him stand out among the rest of them without trouble.

“Clarke.” He vows his head slightly in her direction but his eyes wonder behind her where she knows her mother is coming with the members of the Council.

“Is something wrong?”

“A unity front is best when we arrive.” He speaks from experience, Clarke knows she’s lucky to have him with her. “It’s appropriate and the Commander will have eyes everywhere. Intern troubles are not her matter but she will dig if she senses something is amiss. She doesn’t like surprises.”

“I know. Thank you.”

He doesn’t go back to the front, choosing to walk by her side, both knowing that Octavia is more than capable to guide the group to Ton Dc by herself.

“May I ask why you insisted on bringing them all?”

Her heart aches inside her chest as she looks for the correct answer and she knows she’s being selfish right now, stupid and a little reckless but she needs this for no other reason than to prove a theory.

“I need her to see the faces of all the people she left behind to be slaughtered.”

…

 


	7. Princess of death

 

**CHAPTER 7**

As they near Ton Dc Clarke is certain of one thing only, that she’s never seen so many Grounders smiling before and surely not at her.

However, her own people carries a somber mood that isn’t going anywhere, not even as Ando hands Clarke and her mother two cups of an amber liquid that burns their tongues when they savor it as a welcome drink and leaves behind a bitter taste.

A group of young men and women play handmade tambourines offering a festive set of music and several Grounders sing along lyrics that none of the Arkers understand, even Octavia listens to the song with curiosity and Lincoln is fast to let them know that the language isn’t Trigedasleng as they know it currently but an ancient version used for celebrations and to communicate with their Gods in prayers by the elders.

As they get deeper into the town a few women surround Clarke and some of the Arkers as they dance to the beat of the music and two boys offer them more drinks, which they accept and force down their throats even though the fire doesn’t burn any less. Lincoln laughs loudly at the grimace on Clarke’s face and Octavia hits his chest but everyone sees the smile on her face as well. Whatever they’re drinking it’s stronger than anything they’ve ever tasted before, and the celebration is quickly pulling them in.

Long tables with food preside the path to the Commander’s hut where the biggest crowd is gathered outside waiting for the Arkers to arrive and the celebration to truly begin.

Indra is the first one of the Commander’s personal Guard to spot them and Clarke is once again reminded that anger isn’t a feeling that the General can hide well, and she sees the flash of it shine in her dark eyes before she announces their arrival. Lexa’s reaction does not disappoint.

For the rest of the attendants Lexa surely seems collected but Clarke knows the meaning behind the small twitch of her eyes and the subtle nod she receives as an indication that she knows exactly what Clarke is doing. 

She knows how defiant she’s being but she needs to be sure that Lexa never forgets because Clarke has to see these faces every day and they’re enough to remind her of the Mountain.

“People of Ton Dc.”

Lexa’s voice puts a stop to the music and amicable chatter as every Grounder present turn their attention to their Commander, even the children step forward, eager to be close to their Heda and listen. But Clarke can’t follow what Lexa says next because she continues to speak in Trigedasleng. 

“What is she saying?” Abby is the first one to voice the question out loud but Clarke is just as confused as her mother right now.

It’s understandable that Lexa would continue her speech in Trigedasleng but Clarke still wishes that she could get at least the direction her words are going. Lincoln and Octavia are the only ones who could help translate what’s being said but both are standing on the opposite side from Clarke.

It doesn’t help to see every Arker looking as confused as she feels and even more so when the Grounders as a whole turn their heads to them in silent contemplation and some even with acceptance.

Feeling uneasy and threatened, Clarke looks up and Lexa nods at her direction once more, her face a mask of tranquility that makes the blond relax instantly despite the past that mark their relationship.

Her mother however, is the complete opposite of tranquility. The Chancellor is nervous, a little hectic as she looks back and forth, trying to avoid making eye contact with any Grounder who is looking her way and Clarke wishes to sooth her worry but just as she’s about to another thought hits her. She’s feeling safe, she’s trusting Lexa again and she really shouldn’t.

“From this day forward the Sky People becomes _our_ people.” Lexa continues, her voice just as strong whens she speaks English. “As we become theirs and if anyone has something to say about it, this is the time and this is the place.”

For a tense moment the only sound that can be heard is the birds chirping from the trees, and that tension only manages to intensify when a group of men step forward, catching everyone’s attention and daring their leader in disagreement.

Lincoln is finally rushing to her side and Clarke sees the exact moment that Lexa accepts this surprise with dignity, but she realizes that Lexa wasn’t expecting this. There is a reason why the Commander decided to announce the Alliance before this celebration took place.

The Commander gets down from her hut, revealing that she’s dressed in full warrior gear. The people have stepped back, allowing a circle to be left open and where the group of men now stand in the middle of.

Lexa is tall and strong as she comes to stand in front of the eleven men that are against this decision, and her voice is more collected than ever when she addresses them directly.

“Speak.” Lincoln translates by Clarke’s side just as Lexa’s Trigedasleng breaks the silence.

One of the men, the biggest one in every aspect steps forward and speaks fast, his hands motioning all around as he makes his point for the Commander whose expression has turned ice cold.

He continues to speak for a while, his voice growing angrier with each passing second but Lexa listens patiently and doesn’t interrupt him once. Lincoln doesn’t translate everything for her and when he does Clarke wishes he hasn’t chosen that exact moment to do it.

“Nobody trusts them. If they see themselves in danger the **Princess of Death** won’t hesitate in wipe us all out to safe her own.”

Besides the obvious confusion Clarke can’t help to feel like a monster and as a deep pain shoots right through her belly she presses her hands there and looks down, and barely listens to Lexa speak again.

“And I would do the same but make no mistake. When I say that we are one I mean it and right now you are posing a threat for _our_ people basing yourself on personal fears. We have all agreed to live peacefully. Don’t you want peace?”

Listening to Lexa speaking in English makes Clarke momentarily forget about her stomachache, however the look in the warrior’s eyes makes her ache in a different way because he’s made a decision and he’s not backing down.

The man is easily the taller and toughest guy that Clarke has seen on Earth but what has captivated her attention the most is the Commander’s stance, for she doesn’t look scared or even remotely intimated as she stands in front of a man who at simple sight can defeat her.

“He’ll kill her.” Abby whispers worriedly but behind her Octavia smiles and Clarke can almost picture the coal paint on her face, and she recognizes the look.

She looks for Lexa again and Clarke is sure that if she wasn’t trained to hide her emotions she’d be smiling the same way that Octavia is, as if they’re hungry for battle, as if they’re aching for blood.

“Heda has encountered worse than this and has come back without a scratch.” Lincoln’s tone is harsh as he addresses the Chancellor and he looks honestly offended in behalf of Lexa. Good, is good that Clarke isn’t the only one willing to defend Lexa’s honor and strength.

“Much blood was spilled on her ascension. Do not underestimate her.”

Clarke knows nothing about the ascension and she isn’t sure if it means what she believes it does but this is not the time to ask questions about it because the man is speaking again and his group of allies have taken three cautious steps back and Lexa’s left hand is now resting comfortably on the handle of the sword attached carefully to one of the leather belts attached to her waist.

“I refuse to accept this Alliance.” The man’s English is broken, his voice somehow sounds deeper with it but he seems determined to follow through, and he looks around expectantly, waiting to see if anyone else is willing to join them but the eleven of them remain to be the only ones that defy this decision.

“Do you all feel the same way?” Lexa’s question is directed to the group that initially accompanied the man but has now backed away. They all fist their weapons at the same time and although Clarke recognizes fear and regret, she sees no one correcting themselves. It’s a matter of pride, she realizes, more than anything.

“If anyone else has something to say, step forward now.” The Commander surrounds the inner circle, hand gripping her sword but no one else dares to move and with a final look at the man she orders.

“Choose your champion.”

Lexa turns around, showing her back to the group of warriors that have challenged her decision and her Generals step forward all of them sporting the same look of hunger in their eyes as Octavia and Lexa herself are.

“She’s rejecting them.” Lincoln says as he looks all around before he takes a step forward and bends down to grab a handful of dirt and then proceeds to throw it at the direction of the men and almost immediately every other grounder follows suit.

“What was that?” Marcus asks and this is the first time that Clarke dares to look over her shoulder only to find the scared faces of all of her people staring very intently at what’s happening.

Every Grounder looks disgusted as they throw the dirt at the warriors, as if this is an act that is only meant for despicable actions and she realizes that these men won’t win and they won’t stay here after this is all done, maybe they’ll all die.

“There is only one rule that is unbreakable to Heda.” Lincoln explains as the last grounders throw their handful of dirt at the group of men who refuse to acknowledge the dirt being thrown at their feet. “The need to protect her people comes first.”

“And we just became her people, right?” Raven prompts nervously.

“None of them is walking out of here alive.”

More death, that’s all Clarke has brought back and whatever is about to happen is because of their presence. Princess of Death. That’s how she’ll always be remembered.

With long steps and wobbly legs she closes the distance between the Commander and herself almost instantly.

“This isn’t a good time for greetings, Clarke.” Is her name always going to sound this addictive coming from Lexa? She has to grow out of these feelings some time, right?

Lexa was right all along. Love _is_ weakness. Lexa is weakness.

“Let me, Heda.” Indra growls but Lexa raises her hand, asking for silence from the General. Indra looks ready to kill the man with her bare hands if Lexa would allow it but Clarke knows this is something the Commander must do by herself.

“What the hell is happening?” She demands to know and her worrisome only grows larger when she realizes how calmed and collected Lexa actually is.

How many battles has Lexa won that Clarke hasn’t heard of? How much war does it take to make a person so aloof in the midst of a fight?

“My ability to protect my people has been brought to question and I must answer.”

“By fighting?” Clarke cries out and she wants to reach out and shake Lexa, slap her to make her see what’s happening because the whole propose of the Alliance is to avoid any more deaths and what’s about to happen is exactly the opposite.

A loud and booming voice suddenly chants a phrase in Trigedasleng that sounds more like a war tune and that Clarke can’t understand at all but that soon is being chanted by every Grounder present. The ghost of a smile graces Lexa’s lips momentarily though and it’s enough to let Clarke know that the following fight has been expected after all.

The Grounder that challenged Lexa is holding two small machetes in his hands now and Clarke wants to stop this, she wants to ask Lexa to back off and not fight, and she feels sick knowing that she can’t.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s tone is soft and thanks to the chanting of the crowd Clarke is sure that no other is able to hear the Commander speak right now. “I need to do this. This is expected of me.”

“You don’t have to kill them.” She begs anyway and angrily recognizes that she’s on the edge of tears.

“Yes, I do.”

For a brief moment Clarke is certain that Lexa is about to touch her hand but she quickly retracts herself and nods somewhere behind the blond, and soon she feels an arm wrapping around her waist and a hand gripping her hip lightly as she’s pulled back a few steps.

Octavia doesn’t look at her but she doesn’t have to because Clarke is leaning her entire weight on her friend and trying her best to keep a strong façade although it hurts to breathe, and she feels her shoulders shaking grotesquely because of how hard she’s actually trying to control herself.

Indra comes to stand on the other side of Clarke but neither woman takes their eyes off of the Commander, however the General’s presence feels weirdly reassuring for the blond as Lexa turns around to face her opponent.

…

 _Egar_ is tall, tough and his muscles are way bigger than hers. His steps are mostly coordinated as they dance around each other, measuring one another, studying each other’s movements before attacking even though they’ve trained together on countless occasions and they know their tactics well by now.

His right hand shakes somewhat as he twists his machete in it and his right foot trembles slightly with each step he takes. Lexa was there when he got hurt all those years ago, she was Anya’s second at the time and she knows Egar hasn’t been as agile on his right side since then, but his eyes carry the wisdom she still wishes to behold in knowledge and life.

Putting his weight on his left foot Egar turns to attack her with both machetes but Lexa has no problem with avoiding the impact and she graciously moves to her right as the chanting of her people grows in volume. They need this win as much as she wishes there was no fight at all.

But she was expecting a fight and she was prepared for it, but she never imagined it would come from Egar and the group of warriors that have trained her growing up. Many of them have trained her since she was a child and a sword was too heavy for her to carry.

Egar growls in the heat of battle and his breathing comes out laborious, and when he attacks again she sees it coming and using his weight against himself the Commander has no real trouble with landing two hard fists on his back and sending him to the floor with a loud thud and a heavy dust cloud to blow around him.

Looking over her shoulder Lexa catches sight of Clarke and something crawls beneath her skin before a heavy weight settles on the pit of her stomach at the look of agony on the Sky Princess’s eyes.

The Commander wonders if this is something that Clarke would do to someone who publicly questions her leadership and the answer is no, Clarke wouldn’t kill a person for questioning her abilities as a leader. She’d probably lock them up and try to convince them otherwise with words because they’d never share the same concept about respect.

That isn’t their way, Lexa can’t lock a man up and expect the respect of her people to remain intact towards her. She can’t afford to be weak.

Egar jumps back on his feet, the mud on his chin making it obvious of how hard his fall actually was and Lexa has to focus on him rather than on the girl with the golden hair.

She hasn’t retrieved her sword yet, there is no real need when she’s facing someone who is much slower than she is but she won’t let this drag on for long either.

She ducks as Egar attacks and she can feel the air flipping above her with the blow of his machete; she hits him in the gut and swipes her left leg on the floor as she goes by, Egar falls face down. When he stands up next he looks angrier and deadly as he bleeds from his lips and nose. He attacks Lexa left and right, up and above but she has no problem avoiding his hits and tiring him in the process.

She learnt a lot from this man, she studied the way he moved, the way he blocked and the way he lacks. Even before Egar knows his next move, Lexa already knows where to turn to avoid him.

When he falls on his back for the third time she dares to look back to Clarke. The Sky Girl looks about to be sick and she can easily see that Octavia is carrying most of her weight by her side.

And her people are screaming now, asking her to end the traitor but Lexa knows what they are truly asking for.

More than a questioning, Egar has brought up fear among many; fear that has somewhat been addressed by herself and she has promised her people to keep them safe. Watching Egar speak so freely about his fear for Clarke has been a surprise in itself.

Lexa was expecting resistance to this Alliance but she never thought one of her warriors would admit to be afraid of the Arkers, not as bluntly. She has kept her promise and she always will but this is exactly what her people are asking for, an assurance that she will never hesitate, that she will always be their Heda first and she needs to give them that.

She hears Egar’s steps as he nears closer and using his weakness against him she attacks his ribs on his right side, breaks his nose with her fist and takes away one of his machetes before kicking behind his right knee and making him fall to the front suddenly spent and injured. Her own heartbeat has increased and every blow she delivers pains her deeply but she doesn’t stop.

She kicks the machete away when Egar tries to recover it from the floor and swiftly takes away the other from his hand before impacting his face on her knee and pulling back his hair.

She looks up, her eyes finding Clarke once more across the clear circle they’ve left for her fight to take place. Clarke wouldn’t kill a person so freely but Lexa has no doubt that she will definitely kill if her people are endangered, she has before and she most surely do it again.

“Yu gonglei ste odon.”

She can see the tears welling in Clarke’s eyes and she doesn’t look away as she pulls out her sword and slides Egar’s neck swiftly. Clarke doesn’t look away either and that’s how they remain until her warriors disarm and force to their knees at Egar’s friends.

“Frag emo op!”

Her Generals are fast in carrying out her order and she can hear the wild blows being thrown, none of them doubts her, and when it’s all done she finally lets go of Egar and secures her sword back in its place without bothering to clean it.  

Clarke has never looked more scared and that weight Lexa felt on her stomach earlier is spreading to her entire body, and it doesn’t matter how big the celebration comes back to life or how trusting her people looks at her, killing has never felt as wrong as it does in this moment.

She’s about to approach the only person she wants to justify herself with when Indra grabs a hold of her arm.

“Heda?” Lexa snatches back her arm and stares down at her General but she can’t find the words to express the _thing_ that is unraveling within her and she walks away instead.

She hates that Indra can almost read her like an open book.  

Inside of her hut she goes straight to the water basin and rubs angrily at the blood on her hands to get rid of Egar’s pain, to control herself.

Love is weakness. Love is weakness.

She must not forget this and yet she has and the only reason why she feels so restrained right now is because of the look on Clarke’s eyes, because she knows that Egar chose his faith and there was no way around it but Clarke; Clarke is not well yet.

Blood has never been a problem before, Lexa used to beam when her hands showed her prove of a won fight because it meant she was doing the right thing, it meant she was protecting her people, it meant she was trusted, even though she never enjoyed violence. But now the sign of blood means that while she is still protecting her people she is deliberately hurting the one person that means the most to her by doing so.

Her thoughts are making her head hurt and her spirit to crumble slightly. Lexa does not enjoy to feel so confused and guilty. She is Commander and she should be able to act on her decisions without considering an outsider’s point of view because that’s what Clarke is to their culture, she doesn’t understand the importance of character, how essential it is for Lexa to defend her decisions, even if the end result is someone losing their lives. These are their ways, these sort of disagreements can only be worked out in one way and Lexa shouldn’t feel guilty for persisting their customs.

But she does feel guilty because she understands Clarke and where she comes from, she understands that Clarke lived in a different world until recently and that killing was never as raw as it is on the ground, as far as she is concerned the Arkers’ leaders never shed blood with their own hands but that doesn’t mean that their hands are clean either.

But Clarke isn’t weak, she might have lost her grip after what happened at the Mountain but that doesn’t mean that the Sky Princess is weak. No, Lexa knows how hard it is to bare some weights and Clarke is carrying the heaviest of weights right now.

She’s confused and it angers her to the point that she slams the basin away and water splashes on the ground as she retrieves her hands in a rush to get away from the table. She knows better than to lose control like this.

She remembers how firmly Clarke fought in their meetings for the people at the Mountain, she wanted to spare the innocent and Lexa came to respect that, she saw how compassionate Clarke could be, how big her ability to forgive was. When news of what had happened at the Mountain reached her ears Lexa knew instantly that Clarke will never be the same woman she met weeks ago.

She hears heavy footsteps approaching but she doesn’t turn around, she knows who is inside her hut now after having memorized the way Clarke’s feet thumb on the ground. And she doesn’t have to look to see the mourn on blue eyes or the tremble of lips that give away the guilt the blond is feeling because she feels as if she might shed tears herself, not because of Egar but the way this whole ordeal is making Clarke feel, because she _needs_ to stop making Clarke feel this way.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen.” She says instead, her voice sounding unrecognizable even to her own ears. “I announced our Alliance yesterday, they did this with purpose.”

“If the purpose was to scare us all, then they accomplished it.”

Lexa looks back, trying to ignore how painful it is to see Clarke and not be able to close the distance between them. _Not yet._

Closing her eyes at the memory of those words she decides to ignore the regret that comes with recalling how hopeful she let herself grow at that moment. How naïve has she been, how they’ve both been.

“You have nothing to fear from us. As you can see the celebration hasn’t stopped.”

“I don’t feel like celebrating anymore.” Clarke steps back instinctively when Lexa advances.

The Commander has been hurt on many occasions, physical pain isn’t foreign to her, there are dozens of scars painting her skin to prove it but she has only feel pain like the one she’s feeling right now once in the past and she can recall it with a morbid amount of details that she’d rather to forget.

But when Clarke steps back from her with fear written so clear in her eyes, Lexa feels as if she’s being ripped apart from within and there is nothing she can possibly say or do to make Clarke look at her differently.

“I won’t hurt you, Clarke.” She still feels the need to clarify this, to let it be known if it wasn’t before.

“I know.” But Clarke can’t look at her and it’s like she’s shaking an unpleasant thought out of her head by the way she keeps shaking her head, as if Lexa isn’t in the room to see her uncertainty.

“All I want is for us to live in peace.” She continues, having learnt that if she truly wants Clarke to let the past where it belongs she should only speak with the truth.

“Do you really?”

“Yes.”

“You know why I brought them here, don’t you?”

Clarke’s carelessness is still something Lexa finds somewhat charming. It shows bravery but little thoughtfulness. And she knows she’s talking about the people she rescued from the Mountain, the people Lexa deliberately sentenced to die and there is no need to elaborate but she still needs a second to find her strength.

“You don’t need to remind me of what happened, Clarke. I sacrificed much when I left you at the Mountain myself.”

“You sacrificed me!”

Clarke screams but it doesn’t shake the Commander, if all, it only fuels her to step closer no matter how much Clarke tries to keep her away. This is what she’s been waiting for, Clarke needs to let this out as much as Lexa needs to hear it.

“And by doing it, I sacrificed myself.” The ferocity in her words is barely contained but Lexa needs Clarke to understand her pain as well. “You called me and my people monsters once just because you couldn’t understand our ways. I thought that at least you would try to adapt but I can see how difficult that is for you.”

“I told you that I don’t blame you for the decisions you made to bring your people back here alive. I would have done the same thing and we both know it.”

“And yet, you stand here and judge me restlessly without even thinking of what it all meant to me!”

“We meant nothing to you and you made that pretty clear!”

“You meant everything!”

They’re both breathing heavily now and Lexa can see how her anger has taken over her completely but how frustrating it is to be sharing this much when Clarke isn’t even willing to try for her.

It was so scary to be in that same position all over again, to have someone she cared for so close in the middle of war and she had to close herself off before she did something that wouldn’t have held the best of interests for her people.

She needed to push Clarke away before she followed her heart completely.

So she turns around, denying herself another glance at the woman that no matter how hard Lexa tries, still holds her heart in her hands and refuses to accept it or even acknowledge it.

“It is unnatural to take the life of a person. To kill. I do not enjoy it but that doesn’t mean that I’ll stop doing it when I have to just because you don’t understand the rules that have allowed my people to survive all this time. I want peace. I want my people to live without worrying for war. I want to build a world without wars for them. For you, for all of us.”

The silence that stretches after her words is large and hard to stand, but Lexa can’t, _won’t_ ignore the responsibilities she accepted as Commander. She knows that she isn’t the same person that she was before people fell from the Sky but who she is behind closed doors and who she is in front of her people are two different persons and it has always been that way and she will make sure that it stays like that.

“We aren’t so different.” Clarke says after a while, when the music has begun to play again and many voices are singing together to lyrics to ancient songs. “Your people and mine, we aren’t so different.”

Clarke is looking expectantly at her as she plays with her fingers, her eyes aren’t yet clear but she’s looking at her and Lexa allows herself a smile.

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.”

There is a moment, a window of only a few seconds where Lexa can see how much Clarke is hurting and it’s only because of her presence. She feels desperate to figure out a way to make Clarke notice how honest she’s being, how determined she is to make things right but she’s done all she can do to prove it and those blue eyes keep looking at her with apprehension and _fear._

“The Council wants to meet with you.” The blond breaks the silence and the moment is gone.

“You are supposed to lead with me Clarke, not your Council.”

“They just want to put some things on the table. The decisions are still up to us.”

The decisions will always be up to Lexa to make, no other leader will ever listen to Clarke the way that she has, at least not when she’s alone but she still nods and accepts this meeting with the Council of the Ark because it is only a small price to pay for peace, for now at least.

“I leave for Polis tomorrow. We’ll meet when I come back, you can tell that to your Council.”

“And when will that be?”

“I don’t plan on spending much time at the Capital. If everything works out the way I hope, then I’ll come back soon.”

Lexa doesn’t know why but suddenly she feels as if she should have consulted with Clarke before she arranged her leave, as if she owned her an explanation of her whereabouts. It reminds her of the past and it scares her all over again.

She doesn’t interrupt as Clarke process the new information but Lexa notices how cold the weather has turned and how light Clarke’s clothing is. Her coats are on her bed, ready for packing, so without thinking it through she grabs the only white one she possesses and turns to Clarke who doesn’t notice what Lexa’s intentions are at first but then they are too close and the Commander is accommodating the white fur coat over her shoulders and tying two strings near to Clarke’s chest to secure it.

“You need appropriate clothing for winter.” She focuses on the bow she’s tying in order to not look at Clarke’s eyes and discover something that she doesn’t want to see. She hasn’t been this nervous since the last time she was alone with Clarke in this hut. “My maidens will stay here, they’ll be happy to dress you if I tell them to.”

“Thank you.” Clarke whispers when Lexa’s hands return to her sides, however her body refuses to step back. “Does the invitation to come with you still stand?”

At first, Lexa thinks her ears are deceiving her but Clarke is obviously waiting for an answer to a question she asked weeks ago with so much hope. And Clarke's presence in Polis can be helpful to the means she wants to accomplish. 

“Always. But why would you want to come now?”

“I need to know that the world is bigger than this”

“It is.” She assures her. “It is much, much bigger than this.”

“Would you take me with you then?”

“Yes.”

…

 

 


	8. Elders

**CHAPTER 8**

The celebration for their new Alliance stretches throughout the rest of the day and night, and only begins to die down with a new sun rise.

Clarke doesn’t sleep, choosing to stay close to her mother who doesn’t seem to find a way to relax even though they are at a party and every Grounder who isn’t a warrior is drunk and seemingly happy. She eyes Clarke’s coat all night but never asks about it.

Is eye opening to see this side of Grounder Culture, the way they celebrate and the way they interact without an eminent war ahead, is truly touching. Lexa is loved by her people and it shows in the way the kids surround her and chant her name so happily, and look at her with amazed eyes. The Trikru, aside from being a developing society, is a tight group of people who trust each other with their lives, who trust their Commander with everything and who look up to her in every possible aspect.

Clarke still knows little about their Culture but she remembers Lexa mentioning reincarnation, which would explain the way that even the older member of the Trikru look at her as if she were an entity from a different time who holds all the knowledge of their history.

Maybe Lexa is more than the person Clarke has pinned her to be, maybe there are layers of her personality that she hasn’t even scratched the surface of yet. Maybe there is more than just a ruthless Commander there.

The sun breaks through the fog of the early morning as Clarke exists the hut Lexa has offered her and her mother to spend the night if they felt tired or had the need to sleep. Abby wanted to go back to the Ark to rest when morning came but Clarke insisted they stayed because everyone else is too drunk to walk back and the rest are still sleeping where they passed out.

Reluctantly Abby agreed to sleep for a few hours if Clarke did the same, but it’s been so cold lately that the mere sight of the sun is making her too excited to lay down where her mother is already asleep, exhausted after a long night.

After executing the eleven warriors the day before, she and Lexa made plans to leave for Polis, but the Commander is in no rush and Clarke is second guessing her decision to go on a trip just as she’s gotten back. Her people still need her to deal with what’s going on in the Ark and she can’t stand the idea of letting them go back to a place where they aren’t fully accepted.

On the other hand, the forty four survivors of the Mountain are way more comfortable between the Grounders than Clarke had expected them to be. Lincoln’s friends have been very welcoming and even now, at the crack of dawn Raven is still talking to a few of them by a small fire Octavia lit up before she fell asleep on Lincoln’s lap out of exhaustion more than anything else, she’s one of the few that remain sober.

Quickly and subtly, Clarke takes account of all of the Arkers and where they are. It’s something she’s been doing the entire night, just keeping an eye on them, making sure they are alright and close, even the few guards that her mother brought with her who now stand post outside of the hut she sleeps.

A realization that has been buried deep in her consciousness hit her in the middle of dancing and watching, that this is where she was always supposed to be, taking care of them because she promised she would, because somewhere along the way she became responsible of their wellbeing and when she left she put that responsibility to sleep but it’s always been hers, no one else’s.

How she’s going to approach their situation to the Council is already made up in her mind, she will demand pardon for all of them or she _will_ guide them out of the Ark and take her chances in the outside. They survived once without them and Clarke has no doubt that they will again if they have to.

“Indra.” Clarke salutes the approaching General.

“The Commander spoke of training sessions.” The woman stops generally close to her but far enough to show her lingering discomfort. Children are already gathering outside of Lexa’s hut again, early risers that are met with a passive Commander who hasn’t slept all night and still looks sober even though she’s had to accept quite a few drinks from her people and, like Clarke, has been on the lookout.  

“Yes, among other things.” Lexa speaks amicably to the children and lets herself be dragged down from her hut, a small smile gracing her lips and Clarke _aches_ at the sight of it, something within her trembles at that smile and it’s frightening.

“Hunting. I’ve worked on a schedule for training and Ryder has done the same for hunting. We can start today with the group that is already here and move on from there.”

A brunette boy, at least a head shorter than Lexa, is now holding a wooden sword that seems too heavy for him, not that that’s stopping him from carrying it, and Lexa is fixing his posture, advising him as she walks around him pressing her hand firmly on his stomach and separating his feet to make his stand steadier.

“Yeah, that sounds good.” She nods distractedly, too busy watching Lexa pick up a wooden sword herself before standing in front of the boy and hitting his with hers.

Lexa continues to speak to the boy as she hits his sword again and again, always telling him what to do next and correcting him when he misses a step and trips. And he listens intently, as does every other kid that’s watching them. Clarke swallows the growing lump in her throat but the feeling in her chest only intensifies when Lexa’s eyes stray towards her for a second.

“They will have to stay in Ton Dc for this.”

Forcing herself to look away from Lexa and the children Clarke faces the General and nods in response. At Ton Dc they won’t be treated like criminals because Lexa won’t allow it, if last night’s events are anything to go on, but Clarke can’t leave them alone either.

Her mother has been too busy refusing to accept the Alliance to even begin to think about the conditions Clarke has told her about and now she has nothing to offer Indra in response.

“We’ll work on a training schedule as soon as possible. Can they all stay here?”

Indra looks at her curiously, as if she’s holding something back but nods solemnly instead. “Yes. They will build their own cover as a lesson and Ryder will teach them how to hunt their own food. If they do this correctly they have nothing to worry about.”

Clarke knows that many of the forty four have jobs at the Ark but her mind is already going through all the ways she can keep them here with her, although she is aware that her mother will protest at them for being trained in hand to hand combat before the guards.

“I’ll inform them when they wake up. Those drinks were pretty strong.”

Indra huffs back an amused breath and Clarke is sure she sees the ghost of a smile before the General’s face returns to an expressionless façade.

“They weren’t. We were considerate, barely spiced the drinks. You people are weak, it’s no surprise.”

Biting back a quick remark Clarke’s eyes return to the Commander, who has stepped away from the now playing children to talk to Devon and Ando. Indra steps away silently, the same way she came in the first place.

Now that she is sure where her people are and without the Commander teaching children how to fight, Clarke allows herself to induce in her own curiosity and notices how small Ton Dc seems now, without all the tents to house the leaders of the twelve clans and their warriors that came at Lexa’s calling to fight the Mountain, the place feels oddly familiar and peaceful.

“We leave in two hours.” Lexa says, approaching Clarke and holding a pair of white globes. “Do you need to carry anything in specific? I can send Devon to get it for you, he is a fast rider.”

Clarke opens her mouth but no words come out. She hasn’t owned anything but her paintings since she was put in jail and it saddens her to know that the only thing that matters to her is her father’s watch and she’s been carrying that all along.

But it doesn’t matter anyway because she decided that she can’t leave so soon, she can’t appear and disappear whenever she feels like it because if she is going to be the face of this Alliance then she has to be present where she is needed and her people need her. She can’t jump on the back of Lexa’s horse whenever she feels like she’s suffocating because Lexa isn’t the answer and Clarke has responsibilities. 

“I’m not sure it’s the best time to leave my people.” _Again_. The word goes without saying but Lexa’s stoic expression suddenly softens slightly.

“This is not a vacation, Clarke. I’m going to Polis to let the Elders know what happened on Mount Weather personally and about our new found peace too. They need to be aware that we’ve forged an Alliance and that it will hold.”

“Who are the Elders?” More than confused, Clarke is genuinely curious. This is the first time she’s hearing about the Elders and why would Lexa need to keep them aware of anything.

“Not here.”

Turning around Lexa picks up her pace leaving Clarke behind to follow, which she does, mild fed up, but does. On their way to Lexa’s hut they see Kane speaking with Indra amicably and her mother stepping out of the hut she was sleeping in. Lexa holds the door open for her and Clarke can’t truly point out why that makes her feel almost special.

This place has seen too many sides of her, Lexa’s hut knows her better than any living being can ever do so. She feels vulnerable and weak inside a place that belongs to the woman who betrayed her and left her to die, but she has to push through those feelings, she has to be strong.

Lexa is pouring her a drink when she finally catches herself and looks for the Commander around. 

“I haven’t seen you eat anything.” She says it so causally, as if she were allowed to worry about Clarke’s health like this, like its normal behavior.

“Why would you?”

Clarke knows how awkward she must look standing so distant from the Commander and waiting to resume their previous talk when Lexa is politely offering her a drink.

“You need to keep your strength up. A weak leader is no good for her people.”

With cautious steps Lexa is once again too close, too open in front of Clarke. She takes the offered drink and tries to ignore how shaky her hand is as she accepts it from Lexa’s hand and steps back in a hurry. She’s pathetic and it can’t be denied. She _feels_ for Lexa and if that doesn’t make her the weakest person ever, she doesn’t know what would.

“Tell me about the Elders.” The round table in the center of Lexa’s hut serves as a middle point as Clarke stands on the opposite end from the Commander.

“The Elders reside in the Capital. They are the wisest and most valued members of the Coalition. They are the ones my people turn for advice to and the ones who keep us connected in many ways.”

Her mind can’t help to form a link to the Council, but the Grounders would hate to call it that. There is a group of people Lexa has to answer to, maybe not in the same way every Council member needs to at the Ark but to some extent Lexa is also accounted for the decisions she makes as Commander.

“I thought you called the shots.”

“I do. I am the Commander of the Coalition but the Elders are respected. I respect them. I do not seek their permission to act but I do seek their advice when I need it. Only a fool would be so proud to deny words of advice.”

Clarke wonders if the Elders will praise Lexa for her decision on the Mountain or admonish her, would they even be able to do that.

“So you just keep them informed?”   

“No.” Lexa sets her glass down, neither one of them have drank, and meets Clarke’s eyes with visible patience. “They are neutral ground. Polis is the one place we all agree to keep safe. They seek the wellbeing of everyone, they do not lean on one Clan more than another. They are the core of everything that we are. We seek them because they are wise enough to offer help in time of conflict, when the conflict is worth of their time and worth of a solution.”

Lexa’s shoulders square as soon as she’s done speaking, taut muscles tense under the intensity of her stare and her words finally begin to make sense in Clarke’s mind. They are the conflict Lexa is looking to solve.

“There’s something that you’re not telling me.” Lexa’s nod is heavy, as if she’s afraid to tell Clarke whatever she’s holding back. “Tell me.”

“The Elders need to know about this Alliance and my promise to your people, so they can help me convince the rest of the Clans that this is the right thing to do. I need their support when the ones who don’t agree go knocking on their door.”

“And you think it’s a good idea that I come with you?”

Lexa rounds the table in four large steps and although she reaches out, she holds herself back in time to keep her hands off of Clarke’s. The longing Clarke feels when Lexa pulls her hands back is both terrifying and absurd.

“Yes. Your desire to keep your people alive and well is what will convince them of what I’ve always known. That you are worth, Clarke. I don’t want another war.”

…

Not going to Polis with Lexa is no longer an option. Clarke doesn’t know what she’ll find there, she doesn’t know the kind of people the **Elders** are, if they are the core of Grounder Culture then why would they be open to support the Arkers? These political matters are no longer something she can face by herself, she needs to take someone else with her, someone who can remain calm and passive when provoked, and that someone isn’t her mother.

She goes to find Octavia as soon as she leaves Lexa’s hut and is grateful for the chilly air that greets her, the sun has disappeared, leaving in its wake large and gray clouds in the sky that promise rain for later in the day.

Octavia is washing her face by the communal basin when Clarke finds her and makes a fast try to explain that she’s leaving for Polis and why. At first, Octavia’s reaction is painful to look at but the more Clarke speaks the softer her eyes turn until there’s only fear and worrisome left. After, she leaves to find Marcus and although the worrisome is visible in his features as well he remains focused and willing to help, willing to go to Polis with her and face this new threat with thoughts of peace.

As the minutes start clicking by Clarke becomes busier with arrangements. Devon is sent to fetch Sky and Screwdriver, since she’s decided to take Raven. And Indra takes her to the maidens’ hut where Lexa has given the order to provide her with the necessary clothes for their trip to the Capital. For once, Indra seems to agree that Clarke accompanies the Commander and that alone makes her more nervous than before.

By the time she has everything she needs Octavia has already informed the rest of the forty four what is going to happen and where they’ll be staying for the next couple of months and if they don’t agree to build their own roofs, at least they are willing to try and stay together.

The only way Clarke sees the Elders accepting the Arkers into the Coalition is if they enter as a thirteenth Clan all together and she can only imagine the dispute this proposal will bring among the Clans. Not everyone agrees with Lexa, that much is clear, and Clarke doesn’t really know how many people will be willing to go to war against her and this new Alliance.

The time to part is almost here and two carriages filled with clothes and supplies already await for them in the street, and Clarke has yet to talk with her mother.

When she finally gathers the courage to approach her mother, Clarke is sure of one thing, that she’s never seen Abby as mad as she looks right now. So she looks away, the same way she’s been doing since she came out of Lexa’s hut and Abby was waiting for her just outside to be informed of what is going on.

“You’re gonna have to talk to her, y’know?” Octavia says as she nervously leans on one of the carriages.

“I know. I’m just stringing it as long as I possibly can,” the blonde shrugs and refuses to meet Octavia’s eyes. Their friendship is far from fixed and although there is a mutual understanding based on respect, there are still cracks that can’t be ignored in their fragile relationship and neither one of them wants to pock at them but the fact that they need to work together remains.

“Look,” Octavia stands up straight again, leaning her weight from one foot to the other. “You don’t need to do this. Abby is more than capable of keeping this Alliance intact while you two are gone. Besides, Lexa said that you’ll be back soon enough. I know nothing about leading and things are too fragile right now for me to go and screw that up.”

The last sentence is delivered with fear and apprehension that Clarke can so easily relate to. She smiles, a genuine and small encouraging smile. She believes in Octavia probably more than she believes in anyone else. “But you know plenty about Grounders. You respect them and they respect you back, and that’s what this Alliance needs, respect based on understanding.”

“I’m not sure I can do this and honestly I’m not even sure it matters, your mom won’t listen to me, and to the Council I’m still just another delinquent.”

Clarke knows that Octavia is right but she also knows that Indra will carry out on Lexa’s orders and the Council isn’t really who she’s supposed to listen, with Octavia in charge while she’s gone Clarke is a hundred per sure that things will be alright and she needs that reassurance while she’s gone.

“You can, and you will. You will stay here in Ton Dc, my mother and the Council won’t have a say here, you will.”

Octavia still looks unsure though. Clarke takes a deep breath and looks around for her mother, who –surprisingly- is not far from them. When Lexa informed her that she needs to leave a delegate to represent her while she’s gone Clarke knew instantly who she will be choosing, and that person is exactly the girl who stands before her.

“Why can’t your mother take your place for a little while? I’ll just make sure that she doesn’t get killed.”

“I don’t trust her with this.” _With us,_ is what she means but she’s pretty sure Octavia gets it, she must. “You know Indra, you were her second in command.”

“She can’t stand me.” Octavia greets out.

“But she respects you.” Clarke can see Raven and Miller getting closer now, both of them carrying their own bags as they’ll be joining her to Polis, also on Lexa’s request to take with her people she trusts. “What do you want more than anything right now?”

“What?” Octavia asks confused, totally thrown off by Clarke’s question.

“Just answer me. What do you want to happen to us more than anything?”

“I want us to learn how to live with each other. No more fights. No more deaths. The world is big enough for all of us, we’ve seen it from above for crying out loud!”

Clarke nods and breathes out in recognition. This is exactly why she chose Octavia to take her place while she’s gone, because even though she loves a good fight, she also knows the value of a life.

“Do you know what my mother’s answer would have been?” Octavia’s jaw sets as she looks away. “You know the laws. We both suffered the severity of them in the Ark and we both know how strongly the Council feels about those laws. I trust you to do this because I know you’re the right person for the job, not because I’m handing out leadership without consideration first.”

Octavia nods once, a bit more decided than before. They don’t need to point out how difficult everything will be while they’re gone because that goes unspoken but if both sides can’t get along for a few days without their leaders then that will be the real problem.

“Clarke, you are not leaving anywhere without talking to me first.” Abby interrupts.

“I wasn’t going to.” Clarke calmly explains as Octavia looks away, suddenly tense.

“You’ve been avoiding me.” Abby tightly replies and between all that anger, Clarke recognizes genuine worrisome in her mother’s voice. Octavia steps aside but is not completely gone. Marcus has explained to her mother about their trip and the reason for it by now.

“I’m sorry. I was just not looking forward to having this conversation.”

Abby eyes her suspiciously now and after looking around she steps closer to her daughter. “What did you do?” She asks suspiciously.

Suppressing the need to roll her eyes at her mother’s condescending tone, Clarke stands tall and when she speaks she doesn’t sound like the scared child her mother is trying to make her feel like, or at least she hopes not. “Octavia is taking my place until I come back from the Capital.”

“Octavia?” The woman asks incredulously.

“Yes, mom. She’ll be dealing directly with the Grounders while we’re…”

“I thought the Council was still in charge here? And we haven’t discussed anything yet, you needed to consult us before you decided that the kids will be staying here.”

“The Council is in charge.” Clarke confirms, trying to keep her mother’s anger within check. “But Indra was there the last time the Council tried to block our way out of those doors and she certainly doesn’t want to deal with that, but she knows Octavia. They respect each other and they’ll be in charge until Lexa and I come back. You knew the terms of the Alliance, we are to learn from each other. They will be the first group to learn how to hunt and fight, if necessary. While I’m gone you can work out a schedule on your own and how we are going to reciprocate.”

“Is that an order?” Abby incredulously asks.

“No, mom. Of course is not.”

“Are you saying that The Council doesn’t respect the Grounders?”

“No, mom. I’m saying that you don’t and I rather leave this Alliance in the hands of someone that I know will protect it.”

Abby looks positively fuming but as hard as it proves to be Clarke doesn’t look away from her mother’s harsh stare.

“You don’t trust me,” Abby states and Clarke’s silence is enough answer, although it falls heavily between them. “I’m you mother.” Abby huffs in disbelief and hurt.

“And as your daughter I ask you to respect this decision.” The older woman looks towards Octavia, who has stepped further back to speak with a group of Grounders and is currently easily collaborating with their activities. “Indra has already been informed and Octavia will talk to the Council before and if any decision needs to be made you still have the last say.”

“Why are you really going to Polis, Clarke? I don’t think is the best idea right now. Let Marcus go first, see what these Elders are really like before you approach them. You are going without a plan in mind.” Abby frowns worriedly and Clarke knows that her mother has dropped the previous conversation all together.

“Lexa has a plan and I do need to go. There can’t be another war just because I was too afraid to seek help.”

“Help?”

“Mom, please. Just – tell me that you understand why I’m leaving Octavia in my place.” Clarke begs and although Abby takes a while to make up her mind, at least she doesn’t disappoint in her answer.

“I do.”

Is not like Abby wants to go against this Alliance either, not after what happened at the _celebration_ and all those men got slaughtered for speaking up. But in her eyes Octavia and Clarke are still children and it weights heavy in her heart that they have had to grow up so fast and so drastically that the Council can’t protect them anymore.

“Do you trust her?” She asks and is surprised to see Clarke smirk a little, reading between the lines.

“Lexa won’t kill me on this trip mom.” But Abby sees the frown that momentarily takes over her daughter’s brow, as if she has a problem to believe that herself. But that wasn’t what Abby asked. She isn’t sure of what transpired between the Commander and Clarke behind closed doors and it doesn’t feel right to ask now, but whatever it was it’s turned their relationship a complicated one and everyone can tell.

“Be safe.” Abby whispers and when her daughter nods they hug each other tight, and as she has Clarke in her arms she thinks that she can’t be making this up, that she can’t be the only one to see her as a kid. But she has also been thinking that maybe she _is_ the only one who does and maybe she should be the one trying to see Clarke as the woman she’s become and not expecting to find her child instead.

…

Abby is kissing her forehead when Ando announces their Heda is ready to leave. For a moment Clarke allows herself to cling to her mother’s embrace because it feels safe, it feels like home and it could protect her from everything that Lexa represents and brings along. But that isn’t an option and eventually she steps back, she turns around and goes to meet the Commander by the first carriage.

“Are you ready, Clarke?” Lexa asks but her eyes aren’t trained on her for once, no, the Commander is looking at Abby with reserve and Clarke sees something that she hasn’t in the past. While the Commander might not see Abby as a rightful leader that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t respect the other woman and its eye opening in a way because she never thought she’d see this.

“Yes, I just need to say goodbye.”

As Clarke says her goodbyes to her friends she isn’t really surprised to feel her nervousness grow considerably, to the point where her hands begin to sweat and her stomach feels about to flip inside of her.

Is she really going on a trip with Lexa? Is she willingly embarking herself on a trip with the person that has brought her anything but pain?

No, she can’t think like this. She’s going to Polis for her people, to keep them safe, to keep them alive.

When Octavia hugs her goodbye it suddenly feels as if for only those three seconds they’re back to normal but when she steps back she doesn’t see the little girl she was always used to seeing and realizes that maybe she’s a whole new person in her eyes as well. They’ve been through too much in such a short time.

Marcus, Miller and Raven are already on their horses when she turns around and Lexa is standing beside Sky, patiently waiting for her. Clarke is doubtful when Lexa offers her assistance with mounting the horse but after a second the blond takes the Commander’s hand and when she’s up she watches Lexa pull on ropes and securing Sky before she mounts her own horse with ease.

“Take these.” Lexa is offering a pair of white gloves and Clarke takes them hesitantly. “It'll get colder.”

“Thank you.” She puts them on and it’s surprised to see how soft and well they fit her. A warm sensation suddenly envelops her whole but she won’t admit it’s because of Lexa’s gift.

With the people of Ton Dc chanting a chorus to their Commander they are sent off on their journey.

…

 


	9. Thunder

 

**CHAPTER 9**

Lexa gives the sign to stop when the smell of soil announces coming rain. They’ve only been riding for three hours but the Sky People already look exhausted and pained. They would have reached Polis before nightfall but rain is coming and while not fragile, never fragile, Clarke is still unexperienced on the back of a horse to attempt a much faster approach, much like her companions.

Her warriors are quick to lift two small tents while Ando and Devon do the same for Clarke. They won’t sleep but they need to be protected from the rain that’s it’s about to fall furiously down on them.

Much depends on this trip and if she were alone Lexa wouldn’t have stopped. Time is running out and she can feel it the same way she felt something was about to happen days before a ship fell from the Sky brining a hundred people in it. Only this time she knows her enemies well enough to know that they won’t stay quiet for much longer.

Clarke really has no idea of what she’s done, and for the time being Lexa is grateful for that. The last thing she ever wanted was for Clarke to become a symbol of power because those turn into targets quickly, and while threats haven’t been spotted or heard of yet, it doesn’t mean that they’re not there or coming. The living are hungry and they won’t take long to rise.

With the Elders’ support she’ll welcome the Arkers into the Coalition and Clarke will be safe, Lexa will make sure of it. Her plan is plausible, the Elders have never denied her before but the Commander still feels troubled. Being so close to put an end to this dispute is leaving her with a strange sensation of impossibility that is making her even more anxious to get to Polis as soon as she can.

“Can we afford to stop now?” Marcus asks as the first few rain drops fall on his shoulders.

“The rain will stop in a few hours. We can still arrive before its dark if we hurry, Ando and Devon can catch up with the carriages later.”

Her advisors have been against this Alliance from the very beginning, even before the Mountain, convincing them that another war is not in their best interest, even if said war was to eliminate the Arkers, has almost been impossible but Clarke is playing all the cards and she doesn’t know it yet.

When Clarke realizes that her strength is feeding Lexa’s leadership she’ll use it and this time Lexa can’t know how Clarke will use that power. Not after the Mountain, not after she went back on their truce, not when she no longer holds Clarke’s trust.

“Do we have a shot at this?” Marcus’ concern is understandable but his straightforwardness is not. Lexa is still unable to get why the Sky People are so fast to show vulnerability, to show their weaknesses. He’s an honorable man, she’s come to learn that his mind reflects her own in politics but he has boundaries, an invisible limit of sacrifices he’s willing to make to protect his people. Lexa has no such limits, and neither does Clarke. He understands but not completely.

“We’ll find out soon.”

“What stops anyone from attacking us now? From attacking the Coalition?”

“Those who defy my Coalition will pay with their blood. If war is in our future, nothing we do in Polis will stop it.”

“What if we’re too late?”

Then there will be no Coalition to join anymore, they will be at war, every clan will attack the Sky People first before new Alliances are made and those who remain loyal to their Commander will no doubt fight the Ice Nation and their army, they’ll stay with Lexa and confront the Ice Queen.

“Then we’ll fight.”

The rain falls more rapidly now, the sky roars alive and the cold air that blows isn’t soothing at all. Time doesn’t stop because of the rain. Her enemies won’t stop because of the rain.

Taking cover inside of a tent Lexa is finally able to take a deep breath and let it out as slow as she needs it. If this doesn’t work, if Clarke doesn’t accept the conditions that entering the Coalition bring then they’d be at war again and Lexa needs this to work, she needs to keep her people safe, she needs to protect Clarke from the Ice Nation no matter what and she’s not sure of the lengths she’ll go to achieve it.

Clarke might claim to understand what happened at the Mountain but Lexa knows that doesn’t mean she’s forgotten about it or forgiven Lexa for leaving her behind.

Now it’s time to make things right, to put her mind at ease as well as her heart. Clarke has already given the Alliance a second chance and Lexa will make sure to make every minute they have together count.

A deafening thunder suddenly makes the earth beneath her feet tremble and instinctively she leaves her tent in search of Clarke’s. This isn’t the first storm of the winter but it is by far the strongest and something completely new for the Sky People, and she wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a scary experience for them.

Her guards follow her towards the tent where Ando is making guard. Clarke is sitting on the ground, arms around her legs as she listens intently to the next thunder. Raven is sleeping by her side and the other boy, the one they call Miller also sleeps close to Clarke. Marcus’ voice can be barely heard as he speaks with Devon in the next tent, Lexa isn’t surprised, his thirst to know their ways is admirable.

She walks slowly inside and quietly sits in front of Clarke, who looks scared but equally fascinated by the sounds the sky is making.

“The sun was shining this morning and now there are **thunders**.”

She hasn’t sat on the ground in a very long time, her throne is there for a reason, she is the Commander of the Coalition and she can’t be worrying about one girl alone, but she is, and she got herself wet in the rain because she thought Clarke might be afraid of the thunders, and now she’s sitting on the ground because she wants to stay here and make sure that Clarke is okay.

Lexa doesn’t have to hear her Advisors to know that they won’t approve of this behavior.

“There will be many storms in the winter. You don’t have to worry about the lightings Clarke, we’re safe here.”

Clarke is looking at her now with so much pain in her eyes and Lexa cannot look away because she put that sadness there and it’s hers to face.

Many more thunders come alive in the next hour and each time Clarke shakes and hugs her legs a bit tighter, and there is not a single time that Lexa stops wishing she could reach out and hug Clarke instead, comfort her with her arms and protection.

The silence between them stretches greatly as another hour passes by and they keep to themselves, only looking at each other with unreadable expressions and repressed feelings that they are both tired of fighting against.

They are in the same tent but it feels as if they are miles apart.

“I named him Sky.” For a moment Lexa is lost, she has no idea of what Clarke is talking about but then she recalls the way the blond ran her hands on the horse’s mane and she fights against the smile she wants to let free.

“He was mine from the moment he was born. I never gave him a name and now I know why.”

Clarke doesn’t speak again for a long while but Lexa doesn’t take her eyes off the girl for a second. This hollowness inside of her chest is almost too much to bare but she pushes it down and locks it away because she’s already said too much and now is Clarke’s turn to decide.

“I’m angry at you.” Clarke suddenly confesses and Lexa notices the way her eyes harden for a second before they turn tired again. Lexa is tired too, tired of feeling guilty despite knowing that she made the right decision.

“You don’t have to be.” She says instead because she knows this will take time and Clarke needs to heal at her own pace, but she keeps her face free of masks and she understands.

“I want to. I feel like I should hate you.”

That would be so easy, if they just hated each other. But they have never been simple, that’s just not who they are.

“I’m sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“I never wanted you to suffer. It was naïve of me to think that I could spare you pain.”

Clarke is visibly surprised at hearing her words but Lexa doesn’t take them back, this is the time to be honest.

“I’m still angry at you.” Clarke says after a while but somehow it feels like progress, although it really isn’t.

“I can live with that.” Lexa nods as Clarke lays beside Raven to rest as the next wave of thunders strike.

…

She wakes up in tears and sweating. For a moment she’s confused and she sits up in a hurry, throwing a coat away and discovering that Lexa is almost by her side looking more worried than Clarke has ever witnessed before.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. You were dreaming. It was just a dream. You’re safe.”

With Mount Weather still fresh in her memory Clarke wipes her tears away and swallows down the lump on her throat. She doesn’t want to cry in front of Lexa, she can’t keep doing this, showing these sides of her to the Commander. But she feels safe and for the first time in a very long time she is grateful that someone is here with her.  

It’s still raining and she doesn’t know how long she’s been asleep or why Lexa stayed, but she’s here and Clarke has no plans to close her eyes any time soon again. The thought that she’s fallen asleep around Lexa is enough to spike her very awake.

“Rain is slowing down. We’ll be able to leave in an hour at most.”

She takes off the gloves Lexa gave her that morning and notices that Lexa is no longer wearing her coat. Looking down at her lap she picks up Lexa’s coat and realizes that she has covered her in her sleep with it.

Why would Lexa do this? Why would she continue to care? Does she really care? Her resolve for untrusting Lexa is strongly fighting against the awareness of the person that sits in front of her. How can this be the same person that abandoned her not long ago to die?

In here, away from prying eyes Clarke sees only Lexa and although there are still traits of the leader, the Commander is nowhere to be found. In here, in the confines of a closed space Lexa doesn’t have to be more than just _Lexa_.

“Aren’t you cold?” Her voice is softer than usual, shattered by heartbreaking memories. She returns the coat and Lexa takes it but doesn’t hurry to put it on.

“I’m fine. You were shaking and this is your first winter. It’ll only get colder.” A tattoo covers a part of Lexa’s right arm and Clarke is surprised that she’s never seen it before.

“Put it on. It’s too cold.” A small smile graces Lexa’s lips and she does as Clarke suggests. Now that the rain is slowing down, a chilly air has been left behind to make up for it and it’s the coldest Clarke has ever felt.

“I’ve been through much worse.”

The smile disappears from her lips as a somber expression takes over and Clarke wonders what memories are haunting Lexa’s mind right this second but she refuses to ask, it’s not her place and she shouldn’t care.

Clarke doesn’t know how much Lexa has lost in the past but what the Commander herself told her. Forcing a truce with the Ice Nation after its Queen murdered Costia couldn’t have been an easy task, but Lexa chose peace instead of revenge even back then. Head over heart from the start.

She puts on her gloves again, letting out a breath of satisfaction when warmth envelops her hands and fingers again and she clears her throat to pull Lexa out of her thoughts.

“Tell me about Polis.”

It takes a little while but when Lexa’s eyes focus on hers and she smiles, Clarke tries to ignore the wild beating of her heart.

“Polis is beautiful.” Lexa dreamily says, the smile on her lips is contained but remains. “Is colorful in a complete different way from what you’ve seen in the woods. Polis is big and the people are polite, very talented and incredibly creative. There are many things to see and do in Polis, many places to visit, many foods to taste and many drinks to try out.”

The look on Lexa’s eyes only makes Clarke more curious and anxious to get there. She wants to know what Lexa’s favorite place in the Capital is, what her favorite food is, her favorite drink, she wants to see Polis through Lexa’s eyes and maybe become fascinated with it as well.

“Did you use to live there?”

“My place is there. It’s where I’m needed the most. My time away is necessary but this is where you’ll find me when things go back to normal.”

It seems like such a vague thing to say, what is normal? Clarke doesn’t the meaning of the word on Earth and Lexa was chosen to lead her people when she was a child, so what is normal? Would they even be able to recognize it? But it’s something people say and the meaning behind those words isn’t lost on Clarke, when all is done and if they survive Lexa will be in Polis, probably waiting for her.

“If you weren’t Commander, you’d still live here?”

“I was born to be Commander. This is who I was always supposed to become and any other assumption has never been affordable.” Lexa explains but not without sadness, these are just facts.

The truth is that Lexa never asked to be the Commander, she was born to lead and it didn’t matter if she was scared or confused when she was much younger because she was taught to answer the calling of her people and to honor it, and feel honored by it.

The thought of a younger Lexa is painful to think about and Clarke really shouldn’t be _feeling_ for the path Lexa’s destiny took her, should she?  

“How old were you when you knew?” She asks to keep the conversation going.

“I was a child when the dreams first came. I was already a warrior in training by then. My ascension came a few years later.”

The way Lexa speaks leads Clarke to believe that she always knew who she was, even when she was a kid and although she can’t fully comprehend how reincarnation is even possible Lexa defies her disbelief.

“You’re talking about reincarnation.”

“I’m talking about who I am, Clarke.”

“Heda.” Ando interrupts them.

The rain is stopping and they need to move fast if they want to get to Polis before dark falls. Lexa leaves Clarke’s tent and after that they get right back on their horses.

They ride relatively faster than before and they do it for hours, Clarke’s body aches but they don’t stop until a cement road is revealed at the end of a clearing.

It’s already dark when Lexa slows down to a strut and Clarke spots some damaged buildings ahead that are the clear remainings of an old metropolis.

A few lit torches light up the streets and people begin to gather around them, every single one of them eager to see their Heda, they welcome Lexa with joyful chants and laughter.

The difference between the Clans and the Capital is impossible to miss. Clarke spots dresses, large coats and how _clean_ everyone looks here, refined and, just like Lexa said before, polite. And Lexa looks regal on her horse and the way she nods acknowledging her people is nothing short but perfect, oddly enough Clarke feels proud of her.

Lexa doesn’t stop though and her guards keep going until they are in front of a house where they are told to follow inside. A woman opens the door for them and with a bow towards Lexa the middle age lady leads them inside immediately and is quick to tend to her Commander’s needs.

Clarke and the rest of the Sky People are shown to an upper level where another guard informs them that they can make themselves comfortable. Ando and Devon will arrive later.

“Not so shabby.” Raven shrugs as she inspects their surroundings and Clarke agrees silently. This place must have been a family house in the past and of course the walls are damaged to some level, there is no color in the cement that is still standing but this is a real house, like the ones Clarke saw in the reference pictures they kept in the Ark and thought she’d never get the chance to see for real.

The floor is large with five bedrooms, an open area with a table for meetings and a dozen chairs around it, and a kitchen where a woman is already setting plates with food.

Mar, the woman who Clarke learns is in charge of Lexa’s home at the Capital, informs them that the Commander has been summoned by the Elders the moment they arrived and will be returning later. She provides baths for them, clothes and herbal soap, and then invites them to sit and eat in that order.

A guard lets her know that they are safe in the house, Heda’s guards are on call for the rest of the night and they should rest.

Marcus wants to talk strategy but Clarke can barely pay him any attention while she goes over Mar’s words in her head. Is Lexa being summoned like that, normal? Has something already happened? Are they late?

Raven insists on politics, Lexa knows what she’s doing and although they shouldn’t trust her they should at least consider whatever solution she can come up with. Miller is the only one that is actually eating the food spread around them and Clarke wishes she could just do the same and forget for a moment.

Minutes turn into hours and Lexa doesn’t come back. Raven and Miller retreat to the bedrooms eventually, both concerned and restless but more tired and hangover than the rest of them, they need to sleep and although Clarke and Marcus haven’t slept either since the night before, they wouldn’t be able to rest without hearing from Lexa first.  

“What do you think is going to happen?” Marcus breaks the silence after hours of sitting together, the light of candles flutters around him, bringing his face in and out of focus but enough to notice the deep dark circles around his face and the lines on his skin.

“I think the Elders know something we don’t right now and whatever it is we’re not going to like it.”

“We are not a threat.”

“They think I am.”

“You saved us. Any of us would have done the same in your position. You were protecting your people. How is that a bad thing?”

“No.” Clarke smiles sadly. “You would have done something, but not the same.”

Looking down Marcus remains quiet and Clarke wipes her tears away in silence. Saving the people she loves shouldn’t feel like this. She did the right thing, didn’t she? She saved Marcus, who is sitting in front of her, her mother, Raven and Nathan and everyone else she considers family. _She did the right thing_.

It gets progressively colder as the hours pass by and as the morning begins to break through the weather reaches its coldest peak. Clarke picks up the whiter coat and curls inside the fur eventually. Marcus limits himself to sending her side glances filled with guilt but otherwise stays quiet until dawn and they hear a small commotion down stairs.

Both jump on their feet just in time for Lexa to appear at the end of the stairs and tiredly make her way towards them. Mar and a younger woman follow the Commander inside, taking her shoulder piece, her coat and quickly making their way to the kitchen as Lexa finally takes a sit in front of them on the other side of the table.

Tentatively Marcus and Clarke sit down as well, both impatiently witnessing the women serve Lexa with food and drinks before they silently leave the room.

“I spoke with the Elders.” Lexa informs them as she takes off her black gloves and sets them on a side of the table, her eyes never leaving Clarke or the light dress she’s chosen to wear underneath the open coat.

“All night?” Marcus leans forward, eager to listen whatever Lexa will share.

“We had much to discuss.” Lexa licks her lips before drinking from a cup and Clarke realizes that Lexa isn’t stalling, she’s simply nervous to tell them whatever it is the Elders advised her to do next.

“You weren’t the first one to seek them out, were you?”

“No, I was not.” Lexa answers without missing a beat. “The Ice Queen has sent her ambassadors two days ago for a private meeting with the Elders. Thanks to them now the Elders believe that your people are not to be trusted under any circumstances and you to be a ticking bomb.”

Just now, Clarke recognizes the smell of alcohol in the drink that Lexa is having and it only serves to make her growing fear intensify. The Ice Queen is exactly the person that Clarke was wishing they could avoid facing completely but she’s not really surprised to know that the Queen has heard of her. Octavia called her a legend after all.

“We haven’t even met anyone from the Ice Nation.” Marcus prompts nervously. The last thing they need is a war with a Clan that is known for their cruelty.

“That doesn’t mean they haven’t heard of you.” Lexa appoints. “Clarke brought down the Mountain. Everybody knows who she is, where she is from and what she’d do if her people are put in danger. While some consider her worthy of their respect, others think of her as a threat. The Ice Nation is a clear example of that and they will not be the only ones to put a price on her head.”

“What?” Clarke gasps in surprise and Lexa is by her side in an instant.

“Leave us, Marcus of the Sky People.”

“But what…”

“Leave us.”

He confusedly closes his mouth and slowly makes his way out of the room. As soon as they are alone Lexa takes the chair he just emptied and takes Clarke’s hands in hers fiercely.

“I will not let her get to you, Clarke. This I promise. You are safe here, my guards will protect you and I won’t let you out of my sight.”

The intensity in Lexa’s eyes is almost violent and Clarke wants so badly to trust her but this information and Lexa’s words only make her anxious and insecure. They’ve come without a single guard from the Ark, she never even considered that she might be in danger but she should have, she should have stopped and talk to the Council first, let them analyze what Lexa informed her before getting on a horse and riding by Lexa’s side so naively to Polis.

“What about my people?” The question is asked with sincerity but they both freeze with it and the memory of the last time Clarke voiced the same words.

Suddenly Lexa’s touch doesn’t provide even the slightest of comfort and Clarke snatches her hands away roughly before standing up to put some distance between herself and the Commander.

“Clarke.” Lexa is hot on her heels though, unwilling to let her go down that road. “Clarke, stop.”

“No!” Clarke turns back around, getting on Lexa’s face and now is her stare that is bordering on violent. “You need to stop, Lexa. You need to stop pretending that you’d rather protect me than your own people. Just stop!”

“I won’t.” Lexa is quick to clarify, they both know it and there is no reason to deny it. “But I’m not pretending. The Alliance you and I agreed on is made, it is done and I respect it, but that doesn’t mean that everyone else does.”

This is not something Clarke has considered until now. Aren’t the rest of the Clans supposed to honor their Commander’s decisions? Aren’t they in a better place now that the Mountain no longer poses a threat? Hasn’t Clarke free them from it?

But Lincoln did mention once that if Lexa showed any signs of weakness she will be killed by her own people.

“What exactly did the Elders tell you?”

“An Alliance isn’t strong enough to not be violated, not this time. My messengers travelled to the eleven clans the day we met, with the news that our Alliance is stronger than it was before and the Ice Queen sent her Ambassadors the same day to meet with the Elders for the same reason. We need to be united in a way my people will accept it and respect it.”

“So there is a way to avoid war. What is it? What do I have to do?”

“After much consideration and having all other options taken away from us, the Elders believe marriage to be the strongest of bonds.”

“Marriage?” Clarke frowns and her suspicious only grows larger when Lexa stands straighter, puffing out her chest like preparing to be hit.

“Yes, Clarke. The only way for your people to become my people is if you and I are united through marriage.”

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You probably already realized that I’m still in need of a beta. I’m really trying to do my best and I’m grateful that you guys keep pushing me to check and double check what I write, so please if anyone wants to help me I’d love you forever and ever. English isn’t my first language and I get why it upsets you when I mess something up. I’m sorry and thanks for reading anyways.


	10. Advisors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you to all you lovely people who offered to help me out. I spoke with a few of you and it didn’t work out so well, but then I did find someone who spoke my same language? :) So now hopefully it’ll be a more pleasant read thanks to Lauretta’s kind help, which by the way is an incredible writer herself and a wonderful person as well.
> 
> Thank you again. Exciting things to come in this story. Enjoy the chapter!
> 
> Btw, I’m on tumblr as rebeliz777 if you’re interested.

 

**CHAPTER 10**

As far as Lexa can tell, Clarke is having trouble processing the information she’s just provided for her, which is understandable, but also nerve-wracking to watch.

However, Clarke is a sight to behold in her light white dress and coat, and Lexa can’t look away as the blonde paces in front of her without showing any signs of stopping soon, her long hair waving behind her as she picks up her pace, returns and then repeats.

It’s been almost ten minutes since she told Clarke about the marriage proposal and she’s been patiently watching Clarke pace the room for ten minutes.

Lexa fought hard with the Elders, tried to force them to find another way, to support her decision to ally with the Skaikru but the Ice Nation has already spread rumors of Clarke and her nonexistent wish for war everywhere. Although she was sure that this solution will not be of Clarke’s liking, Lexa has to admit that it’s the best way to ensure that their Alliance holds. The Clans are nervous, anxious to hear from their Commander but Lexa won’t call the Ambassadors to a meeting without a plan that keeps Clarke away from harm and protects her people, _their_ people, and keeps the Coalition safe.

Marriage is a sacred ceremony and her people would rejoice in her happiness if she were to marry. There would be no more doubts about Clarke’s intentions. No one would fear her the way they do now; she would be respected as the wife of the Commander and her leadership wouldn’t be questioned. She would no longer be considered a threat and the Ice Queen wouldn’t be able to _touch_ her, not without enraging the Clans and putting everyone against her.

Yes, Lexa is aware of the Ice Nation’s intentions, of Nia’s greed for power and she knows that a war will unravel no matter what happens next because Nia’s already taken the first step and she won’t back down now because she thinks Lexa to be weak after leaving the Mountain and the Skaikru to fend for themselves. However she can no longer stand by unaffected when the Ice Queen keeps trying to topple her and if Nia still resists her place under the Commander then Lexa will show her no mercy in return.

She’s stopped a few feet away from Lexa and her mouth keeps gaping open and shut, like she can’t decide on what to say or words are avoiding her completely. Lexa holds herself upright and sighs softly. This can’t be easy for Clarke, not yet, maybe not ever.

“Marriage.” Clarke finally says.

“Yes, Clarke. With a marital union you would no longer be considered an outsider and no one will dare going against you or your people because that will be going against me personally. Marriage is powerful and it will be respected as such. This marriage will happen after a ceremony where the Ark People is accepted as the Thirteenth Clan in my Coalition.”

“You’re serious.” Clarke raises her voice, her hands fisting the air in front of her. Lexa isn’t sure if she’s ever seen Clarke looking so perplexed before and it makes her nervous because Clarke truly resembles a ticking bomb, just like the Elders said.

“Yes, I am. I know it is a lot to take in and I understand why you’d be against it but know that I will respect your wishes. You, myself and the Elders will know what this marriage means and why we’re doing it, but for the sake of our people it must remain in confidence.”

“So this will be a fake marriage?” To try and pretend that those words don’t hurt her is futile. Lexa swallows down the painful emotions but they’re there and she’s sure Clarke sees it because they hit her too fast and she’s too slow to contain her emotions.

“In a way, yes.”

“Marriage.” Clarke repeats, this time with a nervous laugh. “Marriage. You and I.” She shakes her head, pointing a finger to her chest and then doing the same on Lexa’s, and a broken sob crashes through her laughter.

It’s absurd, Lexa is aware, and the last thing she wants is to force Clarke into spending time with her but they both want the same things and their people come first. They need to do this and Lexa needs for Clarke to be safe.

“I know this is hard, Clarke. I know it’s the last thing you want, to be married to me. However, I must ask you to consider, don’t discard this proposal basing your decision on the past and think of the future.”

It’s hard to look at Clarke’s resentful eyes but Lexa can’t look anywhere else. She’s aware of how soft she is right now, how gentle her voice has turned in midst of pain, how defeated she feels when Clarke can’t even contemplate to pretend to love her because her wounds run too deep, wounds that Lexa caused in the first place.

“A future with you?” Clarke asks and suddenly she isn’t laughing, her voice isn’t high pitched and what’s left is a slight tremble on her lips. Clarke is heartbroken and Lexa itches to close the distance between them, to assure Clarke that she’s not being deceived, to tell her that if they do this Lexa would never choose anyone over her, _ever again._ Even if they both know that their marriage is arranged, Lexa will respect it and honor it as if it were real.

“We’ll be ensuring a future for all of us.” It’s not what she wants to say and definitely not what Clarke wants to hear, but Clarke doesn’t push and Lexa doesn’t rephrase.

“A wedding won’t stop the Ice Queen. We both know that.” Clarke reassumes her pacing, but this time her eyes, at least, remain focused on Lexa.

“Queen Nia sealed her fate the moment she decided to endanger my Coalition with false statements about you. She’s taken the first step and she won’t stop now and the announcement of our marriage will only make her work harder. The rest of the Clans obviously aren’t convinced with her argument or else we’d already be at war. The Alliance with Skaikru is known, our marriage will leave no trace for distrust, it will make you a part of me, your people my people, and no one will join Nia and her cause when her main purpose is hurting you because it goes against everything that we are taught.”

“You’re saying this marriage will ensure the Clans’ fealty to you?”

“Marriage is holy in my culture, Clarke. The Commander rarely gets to enjoy the privilege of entwining their life with someone. I wouldn’t be the first one to marry but my marriage to you will mark our history. You, Clarke, will become the priciest person to walk among us. My marriage is considered an honor but the person who is worthy of my affection will be loved eternally by my people and fiercely protected. No one will dare touch you without enraging the twelve Clans.”

They are now standing close again, face to face, each searching for the hidden meaning of their words in their eyes, itching to touch but too afraid to reach out.

“This marriage will make the Coalition stronger?” Clarke asks unsure, obviously finding this new information even more difficult to accept, or perhaps, Lexa realizes, Clarke’s trust is so broken that whatever Lexa proposes will always be taken with doubt. Maybe whatever they had is broken beyond repair.

“War is brewing, Clarke, no matter our next move, and it will still come. But we can make our enemy weaker. This marriage will ensure us that the Ice Queen will be on her own when she brings this war to our door. The Elders will bless our union themselves and that alone is an honor my people haven’t seen in decades.”

Holding her breath, Lexa armors herself in case Clarke dismisses the best option on their table because of her distrust. How long did it take for Clarke to trust her in the first place? Weeks, and even then, Lexa knew that Clarke didn’t allow herself to lean fully on that trust because Lexa was doing the same thing. But it took only a second to break that trust and break both of their hearts in the process, and now gaining that trust back never seemed more impossible.

“What happens if we don’t get married?” Lexa’s heart breaks along with Clarke’s voice. Her throat goes dry the moment she tries to swallow down the pain and she struggles to keep tears from spilling out of her stinging eyes.

“I’ll protect you and your people for as long as I can.” Her voice is contained, stoic, and leveled even though she feels nothing but. Everything will fall apart if she can’t find a way to bring the Twelve Clans stronger together.

“Like you protected us before?” Clarke’s lips tremble as her brow furrows and the tears sprinkle out of her bright, blue eyes. And it’s deserving, really, the pain that blossoms on Lexa’s chest at hearing the question and even more so at seeing Clarke’s tears again, it feels just like being stabbed by an enemy and having the knife twisting inside of her.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice is barely audible when she speaks but Clarke covers her face with both hands, after hearing her, and turns around.

Without Clarke’s support, Nia will make a good case behind her back and soon Lexa will have traitors walking around her, probably even advising her before they all turn on her and call for a vote of no confidence or directly challenge her to the death. Until then she’ll make sure to return Clarke to her people and she’ll keep her promise, she will protect Clarke and hers for as long as she can, until Nia’s army takes her down one way or another because Lexa knows that the Queen does not play fair after all.

“I’ll - I’ll arrange for you and your companions to leave for Camp Jaha immediately.” There is no point in keeping Clarke in Polis anymore, while the Capitol is safe in terms that no one will dare attack it, Lexa can’t be sure that someone won’t attempt to take Clarke by force no matter the protection she has with her. It has happened before and Costia had plenty of men responsible for her protection back then too.

“What will happen?” Clarke asks again, her eyes have swelled and reddened, as she turns back. With her control slowly returning, Lexa squares her shoulders and meets Clarke’s teary stare with a guarded one.

“In the best case scenario, the Coalition will fall. I’d return to my Clan as every Ambassadors would theirs. Each Clan would be forced to choose a side. They’d choose mine or the Ice Nation’s.”

If the Coalition falls though it’ll be because they have no faith on Lexa anymore, so why would they choose to fight by her side after?

Clarke licks her lips as a somber storm drifts over her face. Lexa recognizes her fear and she doesn’t look away.

“And in the worst case scenario?” She asks apprehensively.

Taking a deep breath Lexa wishes she were capable of looking away. She doesn’t want to force Clarke into anything, not after she already knows how she feels about this.

“The Coalition falls. Everyone will be blinded by greed. Polis will be untouched, but everything around it will fall and what is a temple without its support?”

There is so much more that Clarke doesn’t know and wouldn’t grasp at this point, but she understands enough to at least _get_ what Lexa isn’t truly saying.

“The Coalition will only fall if you fall.” Clarke’s tone is strong now, maybe its impulse by anger, maybe fear but whatever fuels it, it brings back layers of the girl Lexa first met months ago.

“I’ll protect you for as long as I can.”

“Until you’re killed, you mean? By your own people.” Clarke’s tears are returning at full force again but she’s angry and Lexa is forced to step back as the blond charges forward her, only stopping when Clarke stops and then it is Lexa who takes one of the two steps between them.

“I don’t plan to go easy, Clarke. I’ll fight hard to keep my Coalition intact and my people protected. But I’ll fight until my dying breath to keep you safe.”

“I don’t trust you!” Clarke screams, but Lexa doesn’t flinch. “How do I know you won’t betray me again?”

“I won’t.”

“Am I just supposed to believe you?” Clarke asks incredulously, while wiping furiously at the tears that just won’t stop falling.

“It helps no one to dwell on this. You need to go and I need to prepare.”

Breaking eye contact Lexa is finally able to close her eyes and greet her teeth in order to contain herself before she tries to leave the room.

“Wait.” Clarke calls after her. “Why didn’t you marry her?”

She misses a step and barely manages to set her right foot flat on the floor, and she doesn’t need to ask who Clarke is referring to because she _knows_.

“I was going to.” She gulps hard and doesn’t turn around when she speaks, and that metaphorical knife just keeps twisting on her chest. Her vision turns blurry in the blink of an eye and she curses herself, not for being weak or letting the past affect her this much, but because she waited too long and the day of her wedding turned into a restless nightmare.

“I was going to.” She whispers for herself as she swallows again and the tears wash away.

When she turns back around she’s just as confused as Clarke seems to be but she stands tall and decides to give Clarke this, the truth of anything she wants to know but Clarke has always done what’s right for her people, even when it meant to put herself in danger.  So when Clarke bobs her head decidedly, Lexa realizes that she isn’t surprised at all. Like herself, Clarke will do anything for her people’s safety, even if it means marrying her.

“I thought your people believed love to be a weakness.”

Lexa swallows and allows herself a moment for her emotions to break free. Clarke wouldn’t understand how much Lexa aches at being this close to her, yet so far away, so exposed, yet so ignored.

Holding Clarke’s gaze, Lexa reaches out to take her hand but stops herself just before their fingers can graze. All that is left for her to give Clarke is honesty, only her vulnerability can grant her a chance at gaining Clarke’s trust again and while it will never be whole again, maybe it will be there.

“You can never be a weakness, Clarke. You are strong on your own and my people recognize that. More than that, you are strength to your people and you are strength to me.”

Clarke’s eyes twitch, the blue in them darkening slightly and Lexa aches all over at the sight, at letting her words flow so freely. She’s never needed Clarke as much as she does now. Her muscles jump because of how tense they are, at how hard she’s restraining herself right now to not grab Clarke and hold her in her arms, rest her forehead in hers and breathe their shared breaths. She wouldn’t need to kiss her and satiate her infinite thirst for those lips, no, she wouldn’t need more than just holding Clarke in her arms to feel complete again because this, whatever they are now, is not enough, it can never be enough and yet, she won’t ever ask for more.

“I’ll marry you.” Clarke grits, her voice trembling while Lexa keeps forcing herself to stay rooted in place.

“Who’s marrying who now?” Raven’s voice causes Clarke to jump and Lexa isn’t a certain that she appreciates the interruption, even her head demands her to recuperate and hide her soft parts.

“We’re getting married.” Clarke breathes out, still dazed, still confused, still in a state where she doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not, still red eyed and broken.

“Who is _we_?” Raven’s voice takes an immediate alarmed tone though, her eyes turning hard when she meets Lexa’s before jumping back to her friend.

“Lexa and I are getting married to prevent a coup from happening.” Clarke recites the words that she will probably have to repeat many times at Camp Jaha and although this must remain a secret, Lexa understands that Clarke’s people will need more than that.

“You two are getting married?” Raven’s eyes are wide, angered and her voice is harder than Lexa has ever heard before. Raven Kom Skaikru, while small, her spirit is titanic and her soul restless. Lexa recognizes great strength in her.

“Lexa and I are getting married.” Clarke repeats and Lexa should leave, let Clarke tell her people alone so she can have the chance to express herself openly, but somehow she doesn’t want her to do this alone. If Skaikru is angered by their agreed marriage then Lexa needs to stay here and face their anger herself before shutting it down.

“I’ll meet with my Advisors soon. I’ll let them know beforehand but they’ll want to meet you immediately.” Lexa goes on to explain what will happen, and soon.

“They don’t know.” Clarke takes a deep breath as Lexa observes in silence how the true meaning of what they’re doing falls upon her.

“There are places I have to visit this morning. I need to see my people.” Lexa leaves an open statement and Clarke is again quick to nod.

“I’ll come with you.”

“Clarke.” Lexa advances softly, apologetically.

“I know.” The blond nods jerkily as she takes a deep breath. “We need to sell this.” When her eyes meet Lexa’s, the Commander recognizes the sheer determination in them.

“We do.” She agrees, but not without a heavy heart. This is not how they were supposed to be. This is not how their story was meant to go.

“Married? Wait, a coup? What the hell is going on? And how on earth did you agree to marry her? When did that even come up? Who are the **Advisors**?!”

Raven is still in the room and Lexa has completely forgotten until her voice rises and rises like a burning sun. Lexa’s about to cut her outburst short when Clarke suddenly places her hand on her forearm, silently asking her to let her handle this. Raven’s outburst prompts Marcus and Miller to leave their rooms and all of a sudden Clarke is being overwhelmed with questions, her hand digging into Lexa’s forearm like Lexa’s the only one keeping her steady. It hurts to think that Lexa’s caused Clarke to be drifting in the first place.

“Who is getting married?” Miller eyes Clarke’s hand with suspicion.

“A marriage? A political marriage?” Marcus at least doesn’t look outraged at the idea but merely contemplative.

“Clarke and _the Commander_.” Raven is on the edge of screaming, she finds the idea so absurd, so wrong that Lexa is close to tell her to _shof up_ when Clarke finally steps in.

 ** _“Enough.”_** Their mouths fall shut, thankfully, and Clarke’s hand leaves Lexa’s arm. “Sit down, I’ll explain everything.” Groggy and confused, they do as Clarke asks but not without protest.

Lexa hears the hurried steps before one of her guards appears on the end of the stairs and calls out for her. Her Advisors _demand_ her presence. No doubt, the Elders talked to them before they came for her.

“Go.” Clarke encourages after she takes a moment to consider whether or not she should leave her alone with her friends’ questions. She wishes she could stay, explain this proposal in a way the Skaikru don’t doubt her intentions but it’s of utter importance she speaks with her Advisors soon. Clarke has already accepted after all.

“Ando will escort you to the Tower in an hour. My most trusted Advisor will be joining us.”

Clarke firmly nods again, they’ll have to _sell it_ the moment they see each other again and it doesn’t sit well for either one of them.

Lexa hesitates, because she doesn’t want to leave Clarke alone but Mar is already helping her in her coat and fastening her shoulder piece back in place. She leaves with the image of Clarke’s resolute stare in her mind.

Outside of her house Polis greets her with a gloomy spirit. Drizzle hits her face as she walks quickly towards the Tower, with her guards steps behind her.  She’ll make sure to walk the streets later, to see and talk to her people with Clarke by her side. It will be a long day, many matters claim her attention and her beloved City and its occupants need her to be up to speed and ready to go.

Once in the elevator, she can’t no longer ignore the wild beating of her heart. Logically, she knows that this is a good plan and its results can be worth celebrating, but logic also forces doubt to creep in and remind her that hope isn’t enough to win wars. Hope isn’t even enough to keep weddings on track.

The guards that greet her are quick to bow on her presence as she strides towards her throne room and finds Titus waiting for her with a hard look on his face, which wouldn’t surprise her if they weren’t surrounded by the rest of her Advisors.

“ _Heda._ ” He’s still respectful as he bows his head as she passes him to take a sit on her throne.

“Titus.” She acknowledges him with a stare long enough for him to know that she won’t tolerate anger, although she has nothing to worry about and never has. Titus has always proven to be her most trustworthy Advisor. His love for her is not easily tampered. “Advisors, you can sit. We have much to discuss.” The weight of Heda settles on her shoulder as she observes the room’s inhabitants.

Titus stays on his feet, as he always does, and effectively begins his report. “We are glad to have you back with us, Heda. You will find that we did our best to keep the Capitol well taken care of, in harmony and well protected while you were gone.”

“And I appreciate your efforts, Titus. I am grateful to be here as well. I spoke with the Elders, as you all must already know.” She begins and feels the tension growing in each one of them.

“Then you can understand how this is concerning us all, Heda.” Amada also stands from her chair to join Titus near her throne, Lexa is used to their behavior by now. They are here to question her, to point out the flaws in every single plan of hers so she can’t be surprised because underneath it all they carry their people’s best interest at heart. 

“The Alliance with Skaikru has brought many problems already.” Leo states and while angered by what’s being said between lines, Lexa remains seated and stoic towards his words.

“I’ve already made a decision regarding the Skaikru and their leader. Our Alliance with them stands strong. I’ve offered them the opportunity to join the Coalition and they’ve taken it.”

Ready to protest Leo stands fast but so does Lexa and the rest of her Advisors. While Titus challenges her in a way every Commander needs to be challenged when taking a decision, Leo has always strived for disagreeing first and disagreeing second.

“ _Ron ai ridiyo op_.” Lexa sees him take a step back and her chin goes up an inch, but his eyes don’t stray from hers, if they did it’d be disrespectful and while Leo is difficult to handle he makes up by being the most loyal person in Lexa's life.

“Protect the Coalition first, Heda. Skaikru is distrusted but Clarke Kom Skaikru is feared. _She_ is a threat, Heda. And you need to treat her as such before she retaliates.”

Lexa rages inside, this is all Nia’s doing, her lies about Clarke’s wish for wiping Lexa’s people after being abandoned at Mount Weather are false and damaging. Clarke’s hate for Lexa might be great but she is certain that she won’t bring pain among those who don’t deserve it lightly. Yes, Clarke can be ruthless but her heart beats just as wild as her reasoning. Clarke suffers when a live is lost, even if she is the one to take that life. Lexa knows her.

“Skaikru is not a threat to us as long as we are not a threat to them.” She turns around, her hands tightly gripped at her back but she doesn’t take her sit as she turns to face her Advisors again. “Clarke is right to be feared. She stops at nothing when her people is in danger. Joining the Coalition will make her our people and she will consider us as such. Tell me, Leo, doesn’t Clarke Kom Skaikru sound like a worthy ally to you?”

The silence in the room turns vast as Leo’s pride crumbles in front of her. He is smart and he knows that having Clarke alive and on their corner is better than have her killed and make of the Skaikru their enemies.

“Sha, Heda.”

“The Coalition was not all the Elders spoke about.” Titus continues, though no one retakes their seats, too tensed to treat this like any other political matter. Lexa knows that Titus wants an explanation for the marriage that the Elders surely mentioned, and with a pang of utter heaviness she admits that these are the people she needs to convince first if she wants everyone else to take her engagement with the respect it deserves. 

Engaged. The word reminds her of Costia.

She is to be married to Clarke, who most definitely doesn’t want to be marry to her.

Engaged for the benefit of her people. Engaged to keep the Coalition she fought so hard to fudge to hold and protect her people. She’s engaged to be married because of politics and war and people who rely on her to maintain their happiness even if her happiness is never grasped. Never felt.

While the Elders have surely told her Advisors of her plans, the arranged marriage is still a secret between them and whoever Clarke trusts with the information and it’s crucial that it remains that way.

“While I was away, I found someone.” They don’t even know who she’s speaking about and they already look nervous with expectant eyes watching her in shock. Yes, their culture elevates marriage but they elevate life more than anything, and whoever chooses to be the Commander’s spouse is in immediate danger for the mere fact. They see this, Lexa sees this and they all remember the past.

“Someone whose spirit completes mine wholly and someone who I’ve chosen to unite my life with. Someone who has luckily chosen me back.”

She could have given them the truth, tell them how and when exactly she realized that if she ever got to marry she’d chose Clarke to be her _houmon._ She could have told them how incredibly giddy the idea of Clarke being united to her makes her, even though she’s aware that Clarke hasn’t forgiven her yet and may never will, but this way Lexa can try each day to gain her forgiveness without rest.

She’ll have their entire lives, as long or short as they might be, to try. She could have told them that Clarke’s strength is what keeps her heart pounding nowadays because the expectations of her people is slowly crushing her spirit to suffocation and some days she doesn’t know how to breathe. She could have told them that she never thought she’d be able to love again until fire and metal fell from the Sky. She could have told them that she’s never known a love so painful and tender and _right_ until she met Clarke. She could have told them that these are the lengths she’s willing to go for Clarke.  

But she won’t. Not now. Maybe never.

 Weakness is not a luxury leaders can have.

“We are happy that you are happy, Heda.” Margot bows her head, the only Advisor merciful enough to keep the doubt and uncertainty clear from her expressions.

“Is this the best time for a marital ceremony, Heda?” Titus, so incapable of such courtesy, that Lexa could drown in his worry if she’d let herself slip. However, she is certain that his hesitance will turn into something more soon enough.

“My marriage is not up for debate, Titus.” He nods with dark, tired circles under his eyes that make him look so much older.

“I understand. When will she be coming to Polis then?”

“She made the trip with me from Ton DC yesterday.”

Realization washes so clearly on his face at once but Lexa doesn’t rejoice in his look of pride. He must think Lexa is using Clarke and her people for their benefit, which in a way she is (they are using each other shamelessly) only he doesn’t know that the thing she really want is to ensure Clarke’s life. Lexa knew from the moment she heard of the Mountain falling that the war has only been starting and she hadn’t been wrong. Not at all.

Clarke _is_ a legend among their people, she is feared and will not to be approached easily and among everything she is a threat and powerful and her people are wise enough to see her for what she represents.

Hope.

But Lexa has seen Clarke suffer because of the decisions she’s made, because Clarke is a girl first, and a legend second and she doesn’t wear her kills on her chest like an armor, she wears it on her shoulders with weary resignation.

Her people believe that power can be absorbed and Lexa taking Clarke as her _houmon_ will send the message that she’s more powerful than she ever was. Titus’ delight at the news is proof of it.  

“I will unite my life and spirit to Clarke Kom Skaikru in sacred marriage. What say you, Advisors?”

The same delighted expression takes over the five remaining Advisors, even Leo is smiling now, relief so obvious in his eyes and agreeing with his Heda for once. Yes, they all see the benefits, none sees her sacrifice or Clarke’s.

“ _Spechou_ , Heda” is heard loud and clear in unison and yet, Lexa’s hollowness only seems to expanse in her chest. To acknowledge how big her desire for this announcement to be real and pure would devastate her.

“We shall initiate preparations, Heda. I’ll see personally that Polis hears this joyful news.” Pal smiles softly, barely containing how proud she makes him in this moment.

“What of the Clans?” Titus asks, his smile now reduce to a permanent satisfied smirk.

“Let the Ambassadors know so they can send news to their people as they wish. We’ll meet this afternoon, Pal, and we’ll discuss further preparations. Clarke’s people and family will wish to be here for the ceremony as well for the summit where they will be welcome into the Coalition as the thirteenth Clan.”

“Sha, Heda.” He retires with a respectful bow, her guards opening and closing the double doors for him.

“Margot, the day after the summit we’ll discuss the matters at your hands with the Ambassadors of the Thirteen Clans. Skaikru will too be considered for trading.”

“Sha, Heda.” The Advisor also retires.

“I shall visit your installments this afternoon, Luca and Leo. Clarke will be joining me so I recommend you prepare well.”

“Sha, Heda.” Both Advisors retire, still smiling, their spirits no longer somber like when she first saw them. Her people is happy because they think she is happy.

“I’ll come to the Training Square shortly, Amada.”

“Sha, Heda.”

Finally alone with Titus Lexa approaches a table with drinks and glasses, but even before she reaches out to serve herself Titus is already doing it for her. Sometimes it feels as if he could see through her.

She meets his stare stoically and guarded. This is a man who saw her grow up, who was there the first day she arrived at Polis an orphan, a little more than a baby, this is a man who has never lied to her and she can’t bring herself to even attempt to tell him the truth of her choices because this is also the man who taught her to be strong, to be a leader first and a friend second. This is the man who she’d disappoint the most if the reality of her actions ever comes to light. 

“Your marriage will be received with joy. Nia will respect this ceremony and honor it, as she is supposed to.”

He sounds so certain, so trusting of her Coalition as he should be but he fails to see that the Ice Queen hasn’t respected Lexa’s leadership since the beginning and why would she start now?

“You saw to her Ambassadors?” She sips the liquor on her glass and quickly puts it down. She needs a clear head and while the drink is tempting, she won’t give in to it.

“Yes, two men arrived at sundown and they left as fast as they came along with the Ambassador residing in Polis. Their only purpose was to meet with the Elders. Their floor is empty for the time being.”

“And I assume they didn’t have the courtesy to let you know they were parting.”

“No, they did not.”

“They are not bound here, Titus. Their presence is required but they may leave and come back as they wish.”

“They still left without a word. Nia is planning something and you know it. Removing her Ambassador from the Capitol this way is an act of subordination and it should not go unpunished.”

Titus’ concern can rarely be tamed and this time is no different. Nia will no doubt send her Ambassador back to Polis but not before giving him explicit orders to execute. 

They both know that Nia won’t attack the Capitol without making herself an easy target. No, the Ice Queen will make her move in a much more subtle way but a move nonetheless. Still, she tries to sooth Titus’ worries anyway.

“The Ice Queen won’t attack Polis, Titus.”

“No but she’s moving. Word that her Ambassadors have visited the rest of the Clans arrived this morning before dawn. She needs to be stopped now. Nia has no business with the Eleven Clans that shouldn’t be treated through this very room.”

“I’ll demand an explanation when she is present. For the time being send a messenger to Azgeda that their Ambassador needs to be here by tomorrow morning. He’ll be informed of my marriage and the summit when he arrives on Polis, not before.”

Nia stole a bride from her in the past but Lexa won’t let it happen again. From this day forward Clarke must be protected at all times and if that means that Lexa has to be with her every second of everyday, even against Clarke’s wishes, then she will.

Slowly she walks to her balcony as Polis looms large and alive around her. As soon as news of her wedding reaches Nia’s ears, Lexa knows that the Queen will do everything in her power to stop the wedding because they may be able to deceive the entire world around them, but they both know that Nia wants to dethrone Lexa. Even if she won’t be rewarded with the title of Heda.

“Heda.” Titus hasn’t left and if Lexa knows him as well as she does then, he won’t leave her for the rest of the day, not until he’s met Clarke and not after he’s certain of her intentions. His worry is palpable in the air between them, even when it blows so strongly where they stand.

“What really happened? First, you retreat our forces from the Mountain, then Clarke Kom Skaikru brings it down on her own, weakening you in the process, and three weeks later you’re announcing _your marriage_ to her?”

“There is much you don’t know, Titus.” She meets his trouble stare with a threatening one of her own and if she could see past his doubt she would even notice how honest her next statement truly is. “While I understand your concern I will ask you to never question my commitment to Clarke, or her people.”

Titus’ eyes widen and Lexa grips the knife strapped by her waist till her knuckles whiten. But even if he sees right through her, like he has many times in the past, he won’t call her out on it because they both know their laws, they both created new ones and they’ve both swore to honor them, and Lexa simply wouldn’t deliberately break any of them for _love_.

However, his anger still slips through and Lexa accepts that while he still doesn’t know where her lies begin or end, he understands that something is amiss.

“Your commitment to her is pretty clear. I do not intend to pry in your private affairs but I’m not the only one who would find her forgiveness dubious.”

“Like I said, there is much no one knows about our time together and it’ll remain that way. You and the Advisors are welcome to join us to dine this evening in order to put your worries to rest.”

Even before she makes the offer, she already regrets it. Titus won’t let the opportunity pass and neither will her Advisors, and Clarke will again be thrust into an uncomfortable situation that Lexa should be avoiding for her sake.

“You honor us, Heda. We will join you tonight.”

 ...

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ron ai ridiyo op = Speak true.
> 
> Sha, Heda = Yes, Commandeer.
> 
> Houmon = Wife.
> 
> Spechou = Congratulations.
> 
>  
> 
> Lexa’s Advisors
> 
> Titus - Politics // Margot - Trading // Pal - Communications
> 
> Luca - Education // Amada - Defense // Leo - Productivity


	11. Polis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raven is angry. Clarke meets Titus. Lexa and babies. Clarke's fire is not about to burn out any time soon. News fly fast in Polis. Some fluff. Lexa shares some secrets.

**CHAPTER 11**

Lexa has been gone for a little less than an hour when Mar arrives to help Clarke to dress properly for the day. Not enough time for Raven to recover from her shock or utter a single word since Clarke explained to all of them why it is necessary that she did all this. War was coming and nobody was escaping.

Kane look troubled but he understands why it’d be their best option when they want to keep peace but Miller is not doing any better than Raven and before they decide to burst with sudden questions she doesn’t have the answers to, she follows Mar into the room that she was supposed to sleep in the night before but didn’t. In fact, she hasn’t slept for two nights in a row and just the sight of a comfortable bed makes her feel like she could pass out as soon as her head touches the pillows, but that isn’t an option at the moment no matter how tired or exhausted she is.

Mar guides her to a chair instead and quickly begins to braid her hair. The woman hasn’t stopped smiling since she saw her and Clarke is too concerned about the day ahead to be curious. A small part of her feels like she should be protesting against the braids but she’s not only marrying Lexa, she’s also marrying her culture, her people and her Coalition, and she’s aware of what a hairstyle can accomplish. And today’s whole purpose is to convince everyone that she’s in love with Heda, and wouldn’t that be easier if she embraces their culture with little to no trouble?

When Mar is finished Clarke walks to the mirror hanging on one of the walls, large and cracked on the edges, and she’s happy to see that she still looks like herself, even with the braids arranged above her head to look like a crown on her hair while the rest of her hair flows wavy down her back. She looks soft, approachable and _tired_. She looks young.

She’s surprised to find jeans among the clothes that Mar has brought for her but she takes them along with a pair of white boots and a long sleeve shirt with a low cut on the front. Mar helps her on her white coat and is quick to hand her the gloves of the same color. Lexa’s gift. She doesn’t chance a look at the mirror again, she knows exactly how she looks in white clothes and golden hair.

When she walks out Ando is already waiting by the stairs to take her to Lexa.

“They’re pimping you up already.” Raven chuckles dryly as she looks at her with no real amusement in her dark eyes and impatiently tapping her fingertips on the table’s surface.

“I need to go.” She informs them. Kane is by her side in an instant and he looks so worried that Clarke almost breaks down when his hands grip her arms in support.

“Are you sure you want to do this? We can find another way. There is time.”

“No, there’s not. This is it and you know it.”

He grits his teeth in response but he knows she’s telling the truth, he knows Lexa is the only grounder who would ever offer them support and he’s treated with her before. He knows that even though none of them trusts the Commander, they have no other choice but follow her in this. He doesn’t want to go to war or for the Commander to fall because he’s seen their ways and Lexa’s vision is far from the Grounders’ traditional ways. 

He doesn’t know what could happen to them if another Commander were to arise and he doesn’t want to find out.

“You mother will want to be here.” Nathan says from his spot next to Raven. He hasn’t moved from that chair since the moment he heard the word _wedding_ and he looks so conflicted that Clarke doesn’t have the slightest idea of how to begin to reassure him or if she should when she feels as exposed as she does.

They understand, Clarke knows they do, but there is no way that they can accept what’s happening without looking for an alternative solution and hating the only one that is available. These are her friends, this is her family and they can’t send her off to marry the person that betrayed them all with smiles on their faces as if a treason never occurred.

“Yes, of course. I’ll talk to Lexa about it.”

She swallows the growing emotion that threatens to drown her and nods to herself. She can do this, she can give her life and freedom for her people, and maybe this will be the last time she has to sacrifice herself for them. Maybe this marriage will put an end to all their differences. Maybe this is the price she has to pay for all that she’s done. 

She’s about to go when she feels arms wrapping around her and she could have let go in Nathan’s arms because he understands, they get it, they know what she’s doing and why, and they _get it_. She hugs him back eagerly and barely manages to hold back her tears.

“She killed Finn.” Raven points out suddenly, bitterly and Clarke pulls back from her friend’s arms slowly to look at the brunette. She knew that Raven wouldn’t take this easily, that her support came from their shared distrust for the woman who changed their lives and has hurt them so much. “She killed Finn, Clarke.”

“ _I_ killed Finn.” She doesn’t want to cry, she doesn’t want to meet Polis with tears in her eyes or for Lexa to notice that she’s been crying again, but watching Raven’s angry tears slide down her cheeks is painful and she can’t ignore them.  She doesn’t need the reminder but she knows why Raven is saying this. Her eyes scan the room fast but luckily neither Mar nor Ando are in the room anymore.

“Because she ordered it.” The brunette grits out, getting incredibly angrier by the second. “You gave him mercy when she asked for his life.”

“Because he was guilty!” Clarke screams back and if her pain and sorrow turn into anger wholly, and she’s ready to welcome it. Anything but tears. “Because he slaughtered innocent people and he was guilty. That’s why he’s dead.”

“He wasn’t thinking straight. He wasn’t being himself.” Raven stands up, limping her way closer to Clarke in a desperate attempt to stop her.

“If Lincoln would have done the same to our people, what would have happened then? What would have happened in the Ark?”

“I know. _I know_.” Raven grits her teeth, blinking away her tears and fighting back so much emotion that threatens to spill out of her with the force of a hurricane. “He only did it for you.”

“It still wasn’t my fault. _He_ killed those people, _he_ pulled that trigger and it was _his_ decision, not mine. They were unarmed. Elders and children and women. _He_ did it.”

Raven gives way to angry tears at once and she sits on a chair to break down in her pain but Clarke can’t stay with her as much as she’d like to. By now Lexa has surely informed her Advisors of their engagement and Clarke needs to meet her like they agreed.

With one final deep breath Clarke leaves the room in a hurry, finding Ando waiting of the stairs but before she’s out of the house she leans on the door to calm her racing heart once again.

Finn had only killed those people believing they were holding Clarke hostage. If the roles were reversed, would she have done something differently? Would she have trusted the Grounders? Would she have stopped looking for him? Would she have let them live?

This isn’t the first time she thinks about it and she’s certain that it won’t be the last, but what scares her the most is that she’s already answered those questions with actions herself and everyone knows it.

Swallowing back her sobs she silently wonders if the Grounders see a difference between Finn and herself. But she knows the answer to that question as well.

…

She understands Raven, she gets why the girl would consider such a treason for her to marry Lexa after what happened with Finn. But Raven wasn’t the only one who lost him and she certainly wasn’t the one who had to plunge a knife through his heart to avoid him the pain he was condemned to suffer for his actions. Raven isn’t the one who keeps hearing his last words on her sleep over and over again, and hates herself each time someone calls her _princess_. Raven isn’t the one who is haunted by nightmares where Finn’s blood drips down her hands and arms, and it’s awaken by the _feeling_ of his warm red blood on her skin and the metallic smell of it. Raven isn’t the one who killed him.

“Clarke.” Devon is by her left and just now she’s realizing it. “Okay?” He asks, he’s English thick and rolling weirdly from his tongue but the fact that he’s trying to check on her feels like hope. These aren’t heartless people, even though they try hard to make it seem that way and succeed most of the time.

“I’m okay.” She nods and he nods back before opening the front door. He doesn’t smile with his lips but his dark eyes shine as he looks at her a little while longer.

“Good.”

…

Polis is alive and loud, although cold and drizzling, and for a moment Clarke is overwhelmed by all the activity going on just outside of Lexa’s house. People are awake and starting their days with energy unknown to Clarke and an easiness that she instantly feels attracted to.

Last night when they arrived Clarke couldn’t see much but now with the morning light she can _see_ Polis, _and it’s_ _beautiful_. There is a glow on the pavement from the light rain that keeps falling upon the city but that isn’t an impediment for its people to continue walking, and talking, and working, and _living._

Lexa’s house is located in front of a Market where trading stands are boozing with energetic activity that makes Clarke instantly curious to see what each one of them has to offer. Ando walks a foot ahead of her and when he looks over his broad shoulder with a hint of amusement in his eyes, like he knows exactly what she’s thinking, Clarke feels like laughing and it feels foreign when her lips stretch upwards and she follows Ando into the Market. Raven and her people pushed to the back of her mind for the moment.

There are three more guards surrounding her but Clarke still gets to steal glances of the goods at the trading stands and she agrees with Lexa because the people in the Capitol is very creative and she can see it _every_ where. She sees it in a stand for leather belts and gloves, and chest pieces, and masks, and long strips of leather colored in different tones and sizes to use however the buyer sees fit. She sees it in another one that offers carved wooden little animals and figures of all kinds that Clarke instantly finds beautiful and can’t wait to inspect closer.  In a stand with breathtaking rocks that shine even in the grey day and the colors are endless, flouring and vibrant. She sees necklaces, rings, bracelets and earrings adorned with the rocks and the colors are what leave her breathless, and suddenly her hands itch to paint, to capture the beauty of what she’s seeing.

They take a turn to the left but they are not out of the Market quite yet, they’re merely entering the food and drinks zone, and the smell of fried and fresh meets mixes with the air vividly and her mouth instantly waters because everything smells deliciously.

And then they are out of the Market completely before she has the chance to really take it all in and soon they’re on the streets one more time, the Tower entering her line of sight and Clarke is awestricken by the magnitude of it. It’s a skyscraper, or what’s left of it, and Clarke can’t believe how such a structure could have survived all this time but it has, and it stands proud in the middle of the Capitol.

As they come closer the damages in the construction become clear though, the lack of windows and the rusted edges of the building, the missing parts, but all in all the Tower stands strong and unwavering, a symbol of strength, no doubt.

A red flag hangs from about twenty floors up that stops at the upper edge of the wide front door where two guards with masks on their faces stand post on each side. Ando exchanges a quick talk with them in Trigedasleng and the only word she gets is _Heda_ before he returns and motions for her to follow him down a road to the right.

“Heda is on the Training Square.” He informs her and she has no other choice but to go with him.

Away from the distraction of the Market Clarke is reminded of how tense she truly is. She knows how important today is and what she needs to achieve but she’s painfully aware of how thin the line she has to walk is indeed. She’s not worried about approval, they’ll have it because Clarke will make sure they get it. it’s her own feelings that worry her the most since she’s very aware that they have only ever grown since she saw Lexa again, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s ready for Lexa to know the realness of what she feels or that she hates herself any less for accepting them either.

After her talk with Raven, Clarke isn’t certain that her people will understand this decision the way Kane does. Just like herself, he truly is willing to do anything to achieve peace, she doesn’t know how many will may even fault her for allying with the person who left them behind to die without considering the outcomes of her denial. She’s not sure if her people would care about the Coalition falling or Lexa’s possible death, perhaps they’d even celebrate it before taking into account that another Commander wouldn’t even give them the benefit of the doubt, choosing to wipe them out and be over with them for good instead of going through all the trouble Lexa is.

With each step she takes she gets closer to Lexa and everything becomes _real_. They are doing this and Lexa is willing to marry her in order to protect her. Yes, Clarke knows that Lexa is also protecting herself and her Coalition but she cannot unseen that Lexa is also doing this for _her_ and for her people.

Will Lexa be pretending to love her as well? Is she even allowed to show affection freely? Is Clarke the only one who will pretend in front of the world for their benefit? For Lexa’s benefit? Is she the only one paying this price for peace?

But she won’t be pretending to love Lexa, she won’t need to pretend because she already loves her, she’s already in love with her and their wedding will only make her fall harder because she’s already giddy at the idea of calling Lexa hers. And it’s stupid and she wishes she could strip her heart naked, scrubbed it free of these feelings and start over with a clear mind.

She’ll be pretending to trust her, to have forgiven her. She’ll be pretending that every touch does not feel like it could break her, like every word does not feel like a dagger burying deeper in her heart, she’ll be pretending that her trust lies with Lexa instead of making her feel like she’s on the edge of a cliff and Lexa is standing behind her, with the power to push her or pull her back.

Paying a bit more attention to where they’re going, Clarke finally looks up to see the people stopping on the streets to look at her and it doesn’t take much to notice the way they whisper and talk, and smile big at her direction. They don’t look at her in pure curiosity like the people at Ton DC did, they look at her with _respect_ and some even bow as she passes by and _everyone_ , every grounder around her _smiles._

 _They know_ , everyone already knows about the engagement.

A little boy, not older than ten years old runs towards her and offers her a white rose with the most innocent and happy grin that Clarke has ever seen and she can’t help but to smile back.

“ _Spechou, Skai Prisa._ ” He stands tall, his little chest puffing out as he holds his hands behind his back after she’s taken the rose and Clarke finds herself smiling for an entire different reason as Ando translates for her. His stand is the perfect adorable mirror of Lexa’s and for some reason she feels proud.

“Thank you.”

He nods respectfully before returning to the side of a woman, most likely his mother, on the sidewalk. 

The Training Square isn’t far from the Tower and soon Ando is holding a large wooden door open for her to pass through and he’s the only one from the four guards to accompany her inside.

On the other side of the door stretches a medium size coliseum or the remainings of one, Clarke’s only seen pictures in old books in the Ark after all but she recognizes it for what it is, although the years and the bombs have definitely been harsh on the construction. The ladders, that consist now mostly of just big rocks, and most of the cemented floor have been claimed by nature but what really catches her attention is the children scattered around watching a blond boy and Lexa spar in the center of the arena with only their fists. 

The boy is obviously very skilled and Clarke quickly realizes this when he lands a punch on Lexa’s jaw before the Commander connects the heel of her foot with his calves and he meets the ground hard on his back.

“Clarke Kom Skaikru.” A deep voice calls her attention just as Lexa offers a hand to the boy to pull him to his feet and Clarke places the rose she received carefully in one of the large pockets of her coat. A man, not older than Kane, stands to her right dressed in a brown tunic and eyes that seem to scrutinize her soul itself. “I am Titus, Heda’s Political Advisor. It is an honor to meet the woman who put an end to the Mountain and returned our loved ones to us. I am glad to inform you of their recovery as we speak.”

She doesn’t know how to respond. The mention of the Mountain flashing through her eyes with bloody bodies of friends and allies that risked everything to help her. All dead because they trusted her. But this is also the first time that she thinks of the meaning of what she did and that maybe it doesn’t mean the same thing for everyone. It certainly means joy for the families of those who were freed.

“Clarke.” Lexa’s voice is an invisible thread that pulls her back to the reality with strong arms though and she looks up just in time for Lexa to stand close to her, so close that Clarke can feel her everywhere. “I see you’ve met Titus.”

Clarke doesn’t miss the way Lexa’s voice turns dangerously low, a challenge, she realizes. This is the man Lexa seemed most nervous about earlier, this is the man they need to convince first and probably everyone else will fall in line without much doubt after. If that’s the case then Clarke will make sure that he has no reason to call them out on anything.

“He was just introducing himself.” She smiles without any real emotion before reaching for Lexa’s hand, unconsciously at first, and pressing her fingertips on Lexa’s barely bruised knuckles from her sparring session with the care she knows only a lover would.

Lexa’s hand trembles in hers and she wants to ignore how _good_ it feels to touch someone else like this, to touch Lexa like this, and even before she can think of stopping she’s bringing Lexa’s hand close to her lips and pressing a feather light kiss on the abused skin. This is for show, she tells herself. This is what she’d do if they were a _real_ couple and Lexa came bruised and beaten after sparring with her warriors, or children in this case.

Lexa gasps, audibly so and her hand becomes incredibly still under Clarke’s lips but she doesn’t pull away and Clarke doesn’t break eye contact as she smiles and lowers her hands but doesn’t let go.

Lexa is once again shaken by Clarke, shocked by her commitment to her people and how incredibly calculating she truly is when she wants something accomplished and failure is simply not an option today. Clarke is very aware of this. Even through all the suffering Clarke is most definitely going through, she is still determined, she is still driven and now that her mind has been made, Lexa knows that nothing will stop Clarke from accomplishing her goals.

But Lexa if far from blind. She knows how this affects Clarke and she regrets ever putting her in this position where she has to fake to love Lexa when she surely feels the exact opposite. This is for Clarke’s sake though, for her people’s safety. This sacrifice they’re making is for everybody’s sake. They’ll achieve peace and Lexa knows no greater reward.

“Be more careful, _beja_. I’ll heal these happily for the rest of my days but I’d rather not see you harm.” Clarke’s heard the word many times in the past and using it now, when they are being scrutinized feels like the perfect opportunity. She tries hard to not see the way Lexa’s lungs betray her and she becomes short of breath. 

Lexa’s unblinking eyes remain trained on hers though and Clarke sees the guilt and surprise swimming in those green eyes that are somehow a shade lighter in the early morning before the Commander disentangles their hands in order to place her hand on Clarke’s lower back softly and bringing their bodies even closer together but the action doesn’t feel like a violation of her space and individuality, like Clarke was fearing it would, it actually feels as if Lexa has found the most neutral way to keep physical contact visible without actually making her feel uncomfortable of their proximity or giving away too much of their supposed privacy.

She doesn’t need to fake how perfect it is to feel connected to Lexa, even in such a small manner, nor can she hate herself for wanting more. Clarke doesn’t need to pretend when she inches closer, looking for a comfort that only Lexa has been able to provide for her, even after what she did, even after that strong trust that once was there is no longer.

“I make no promises, _ai niron_.” Lexa’s voice betrays nothing but Clarke sees the sadness in the small smile she offers, hears the longing hidden behind years of training that make her doubt about Lexa’s true emotions. Lexa is only doing what they must, she reminds herself quickly. This marriage benefits Lexa just as much as it benefits Clarke and her people.

Still, she might feel as if her heart is about to burst wide open and show everyone exactly how she feels, but that doesn’t mean that Lexa feels the same and she can’t expect it to. 

“Heda’s life is surrounded by constant hazard.” Breaking eye contact Clarke meets Titus’ expectant stare again, the weight of Lexa’s hand on her lower back reminding her that she’s not alone.

“Heda will do whatever to give her _houmon_ peace of mind.” Lexa states but not without a little bit of humor laced with a warning, and Clarke’s smile is not completely unfelt this time at seeing the look on Titus’ face waver.

But he bows slightly towards his Commander in submission and Lexa guides Clarke to the center of the sparring ring where the eight children are lined up in front of an older woman, who despite the cold weather is only wearing pants and chest wrappings, her slim figure made of strong and taut muscles, and who looks to be in the middle of a lesson.

Titus’ eyes don’t stray from them and Clarke realizes that his concern runs far deeper than she originally thought or that he’s letting on. His interest in Lexa’s marital status is crucial because they’ve both seen how ruthless and determined Lexa can be by herself as Commander but that will change once she’s married and Clarke becomes her wife. And Clarke has already carved a reputation on her own, the Grounders know her name, they know what she’s done, they know she’s more than just a girl and Titus, specially, knows how influential she can become as Lexa’s wife and her inevitability to weight on her decisions as a leader of her own people.

If this were a real marriage he’ll be right to worry but it’s not, and Clarke can’t vow to know who Lexa will choose if push comes to shove again. She can’t stop thinking how much easier it would be if she were just a girl who is willing to submit. But she’s not and Titus will have to learn how to deal with that.

…

Clarke is introduced to Amada, Lexa’s Defense Advisor, who despite portraying an impenetrable front is one of the kindest souls Clarke has ever met. She’s also the most respectful of Lexa’s subjects she’s come to known until now and her kind smile and congratulatory words let Clarke know that she’s not a person who’s afraid to show emotion at all.

“You’ve taught them well, Amada. They put up a fair fight today.” Lexa nods towards the boy she was sparring with earlier and Clarke almost cracks a smile when the boy’s chest swells with pride at his Heda’s words, nor she misses the similarities between him and Lexa either.

“I am pleased to do my job, Heda.” The older woman bows slightly but Clarke’s attention goes to Lexa’s pressing hand on her back as the brunette brings her closer to her own body. It’s an unconscious act, she notices, one that gives away Lexa’s nervousness as she speaks next.

“In honor of the announcement of our engagement, Clarke and I will like to invite you to join us to dine this evening.”

Startled and confused, Clarke smiles through their conversation and although she wants to ask about this dinner, she doesn’t interrupt Lexa because the Heda’s wife wouldn’t do that, right?

But does she really have to pretend to be someone else while pretending to be marrying Lexa out of her free will? These people don’t know her but they’ve heard of her, she is not just a girl for them and they don’t expect her to be. Or do they?

…

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa apologizes, as soon as they’re outside, and Titus has walked ahead a few steps, and inching closer to her to keep their conversation private from the guards. “Many questions were brought up this morning, Titus worries too much.”

“He doesn’t seem to like me.” Clarke whispers back and Lexa’s hand squeezes her waist lightly where her hand is resting, an act meant to sooth her and that surprisingly does.

“He’s entitled to his opinion. He will do well to protect you and honor you, and advise you if necessary, with the proper respect that you deserve as my wife.”

“Wouldn’t his opinion count though? If he suspects of me then he suspects of the motives of this marriage.”

“Worry not about him. Titus doesn’t trust in his own shadow. I’d be suspicious if he’d welcomed you with open arms.”

Accepting Lexa’s words still makes her stomach twitch uncomfortably but Lexa knows Titus better and Clarke has to accept that she knows what she’s doing. She tries not to think about Lexa’s eyes or how haunted they’ve turned since they left the Training Square. 

The soft drizzle from before has lifted, leaving behind a slightly harsh wind that blows in all directions at once and unconsciously Clarke leans closer to Lexa in search of a little bit of bodily heat and protection from the cold.

They walk down a couple of streets before Clarke realizes that they’re being watched by every citizen around them. Earlier, Clarke was already submitted to the stares and smiles of Lexa’s people but now as she walks with Lexa’s hand on her back the whole experience is a completely different affair. Not only are people smiling but there is a cheerful high that runs through everyone like electricity, the whole town is alive, buzzing with excitement and happy calls of – _Heda-_ and - _spechou, Heda-_ every few steps they take.

…

They try to make their shared time pleasant, none of them think about the fact that they have to because eyes are everywhere but rather choosing to focus on Clarke’s curious questions and Lexa’s helpful answers about the City. Both try to ignore Titus’ suspicious stare while they pretend that they are not playing with fire.

Clarke learns that the children at the Training Square are Lexa’s initiates and one of them will ascend when the spirit of the Commander leaves Lexa’s body. She deliberately ignores the pang on her chest that hits her when Lexa speaks of her own death and pushes forward. The Initiates have been training for years and they are under Lexa’s personal care as well as teaching when she’s in the Capitol, even though they all are children. They are fluent in Gonasleng but Trigedasleng is their mother's’ tongue.

Once, Lexa told Clarke that Polis will change the way she thinks of the Grounders and she couldn’t have been more right. Clarke quickly comes to the realization that Lexa’s laws are not only fixated on ruling and organization but are also truthfully thought-out so that they can remain long after she’s gone and peace can last.

Clarke discovers that Lexa was the first Heda to implement more than one Advisor during her command because she’s wanted to see Polis and the Coalition flourish in every possible aspect from the beginning and uniting the Clans has always been her main goal. Titus has not been happy to hear about this decision but with a smile on his young face Leo has pointed out that Heda’s word is law, to which Titus has simply answered by glaring at him and Lexa telling them to act their age in front of her betrothed has been an unexpected –but pleasing- turn of events.

Clarke has never seen Lexa make a joke but she also realized quickly that Leo Kom Trikru, Heda’s Productivity Advisor, is by far the most at ease while on Lexa’s presence and vice versa, and also the most insolent, meaning that he insisted on questioning his Heda at every given opportunity rather than being disrespectful of any kind. He is also the only person who smiles and shakes her hand when Lexa introduces her and he genuinely seems pleased to be dining with them in the evening.

…

“He is something else.” Clarke carefully exclaims as soon as they’re on the streets again and it is because they’re standing extremely close to each other that she hears the slightly annoyed huff that leaves Lexa’s lips.

“Leo is family. We came to Polis together and grew up under the same roof.” _Family_. Clarke can’t help to latch onto that word and she stares at Lexa from the corner of her eye while trying to wrap her mind around this new piece of information. She can’t believe that this is the first time she is thinking about Lexa and her family, and why it surprises her as much as it does.

“Is he your brother?” She tentatively asks and Lexa’s shoulders rise as she breathes in deeply, hands clasped behind her back. Her whole posture turns tense but she doesn’t shut down the topic of conversation like Clarke expects her to.

Lexa focuses on the building up ahead, they’ll be with Luca within minutes and Clarke’s question has unintentionally triggered so many memories that she’s promised herself to keep locked away when she was called to lead her people. But she made a promise, she silently vowed to be nothing if not honest to Clarke and she will keep that promise even when she’d prefer to deny her.

“No, he is not my brother. His mother was my father’s sister. He’d seen four summers by the time I was born. My mother passed bringing me to life and his was long gone before I came to be.”

“What about your father?” Clarke’s voice is softer somehow, it makes Lexa want to shut down the conversation at once but Clarke deserves the truth and Lexa will give her that.

“My father and Leo’s went on a hunting trip and were captured by the Mountain Men. We were brought to the Capitol right after it happened.”

Clarke almost recoils at the mention of the Mountain but suddenly her mind is filled with images of a little girl, orphaned by the cruelty of the world she’s born in. A little girl who never knew her mother’s love and was abruptly separated from her father and uncle. But something close to relieve also envelops Clarke from within because even after so much lost, Lexa isn’t completely alone. 

“How old were you?”

“I’ve seen two summers when I was brought to the Capitol. I was discovered by Titus not long after I got here and I was put under the current Heda’s personal care immediately.”

“You were an Initiate.” Lexa bobs her head once in confirmation but refuses to meet Clarke’s stare. “When did you start your training?”

“As soon as I got here.” Clarke’s breathing hitches in her throat and she can’t help to imagine a little girl, a baby, barely managing to stand steady on her own two bare feet and dragging a sword far too heavy and far too large for her tiny chubby hands.

“But you were only two. You were a baby.”

“I was born special and I was blessed to have begun my training when I did.” Her voice betrays her and Clarke’s ear is sharp. Lexa knows that one day she’ll have to retell how and when she became Heda to Clarke, the blonde’s curiosity will surely lead them both there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s eager or even slightly prepared to dig that deep into her mind and heart just yet.

Clarke hears Lexa’s voice break, she hears the pain laced with sadness and regret in her tone, and she wants to keep asking, she wants to know it all but a bigger part of her refuses to put Lexa through the pain of remembering what is obviously a hard and dark past.

“I’m sorry you were so young.” She says after a moment and this time Lexa turns to face her, slowing her paces but not entirely stopping.

“Don’t be. It’s of no use to dwell on the past. The Coalition and the peace I seek will help build a better world for our children to live in.”

“A world without war.” Clarke smiles dreamily and Lexa stops walking all together as does Clarke.

“A world you’ve already begun to build, Clarke.” She’s careful not to mention the Mountain but Clarke is smart and Lexa has no doubt that she knows what’s being said between lines. “I know we can make a better world if we stick together. A world where life will always be about more than just surviving.”

The words take Clarke by surprise, she never thought that Lexa will remember something she said in a moment when she was feeling vulnerable, and yet she has. Their first kiss also jumps to the front of her mind, her eyes unconsciously dropping to Lexa’s lips for a second. But she can’t and she won’t trust so easily again.

“And you think you need me for that?”

“I need you, Clarke. Of course I need you. Don’t let the past dictate the future, Clarke. _Beja._ ”

“I won’t.” She quickly shakes her head and Titus appears on her peripheral vision, and Lexa sees him too because her hands tentatively come to rest on her waist and Clarke can feel her shaking but she doesn’t mention it and Lexa’s eyes cannot turn any more guiltier than they already are.

“One more thing. You and Titus are the only ones who know about the truth of Leo’s identity.”

Lexa’s eyes turn extremely vulnerable as she stares at Clarke, and Clarke reads into the unspoken plea. As Lexa’s cousin Leo could be easily used to hurt her because there is no union that protects him like their traditions will protect Clarke once she’s married to Lexa.

“I won’t tell anyone about him. I promise.”

…

Luca is easily the tallest man Clarke has ever seen, at least two heads taller than her, but she hopes she hides her shock well but if Titus’ glare is anything to go by she fails. Luca is also the only guy that wears a permanent frown on her forehead, even when he bows for Lexa and smiles at Clarke. But _he is_ Lexa’s Education Advisor after all and apparently he’s the one in charge of the Capitol’s orphanage. Clarke guesses that being around children all day, every day, can be a bit stressful.

At the mention of the Orphanage Clarke can’t help to let her stare wonder back to Lexa again because every child that loses both of their parents and have no relatives to care for them are sent to the Capitol where the Heda offers them shelter and food. This is why Lexa and Leo came to Polis in the first place and her heart breaks a little bit more as Luca continues on explaining the purposes of his work and because every classroom and hallways she walks Lexa walked when she was only a baby.

This was Lexa’s home once and Clarke can so clearly see why she will put so much effort and means into making the Orphanage and School better places, more embracing places, places where children are well taken care of and can run and laugh, and _live_ their childhoods freely.

They lunch with Luca and the twenty seven children that live in the Orphanage under their care. Clarke helps passing plates at the large dining table where all the children are happy to see Lexa and they have the freedom to show that happiness with kisses on her cheeks and tight hugs. They become eager when Lexa tells them who Clarke is and then she’s the one hugging and laughing with children as Lexa watches from her seat where she sits with a baby girl on her knees and feeds her soup with a little spoon and a familiarity that leads Clarke to believe that Lexa visits this place often.

Titus doesn’t smile, not even once and Clarke knows he’s only trying to show respect for his Heda while teaching the children the same but he fails to see them for what they are now, not what they’ll become.

When their visit comes to an end Clarke isn’t sure that she wants to leave because she’s never seen Lexa smile so much, or hug another person, or coo a baby to sleep, or ruffle a child’s hair and she decides in that moment that she loves _this Lexa_ the most.

…

When they’re back on the streets Lexa dismisses Titus, urging him to take care of the needed preparations for the night’s dinner and he leaves but not without eyeing Clarke with utter distrust one last time.

“What is this?” Lexa pulls her attention to her pocket, where the white petals of the rose she received in the morning are peeking out.

“Oh, a little boy gave it to me earlier.”

Lexa stops and takes the rose from Clarke’s hand careful not to touch the thorns before she retrieves her knife and rids of them. Clarke stands entranced in Lexa’s hands but not completely oblivious to the attention they’ve called while standing in the middle of the street and so close to the Market. Then softly and with eyes begging for permission, Lexa pulls back blond hair from Clarke’s ear and places the rose carefully behind it, a small smile adorning her lips as she fumbles with Clarke’s hair before stepping back to admire her.

“ _Meizen._ ” Lexa breathes out.

“What does that mean?” Clarke asks, confused and completely taken aback by Lexa’s gentleness.

“It means - ”

“Heda!” A man calls out from the crowd that has gathered around them. Children, women, men and elders call her attention with smiles on their faces and hopeful looks in their eyes, and Clarke finally gets to witness who Lexa is with her people.

Lexa doesn’t hesitate in reaching out and grasping every hand that is thrust in her direction, she ruffles the children’s hair and accepts every hug with a serene but small smile on her face. This is the heart of politics, Clarke knows, the relation between people and leader, but this is also who Lexa is with the people she cares about and Clarke has already seen her at the Orphanage and now she gets to see her with all of her people.

The people aren’t just grateful and they’re certainly not reaching for Lexa because they want to cause an impression, no. These people are actually elated to see their Heda and it shows in every tear that is shed, in every respectful shake of hands but mostly, in the way they look up at her. Lexa isn’t just the Commander, their leader. Lexa is hope, Lexa is strength and they trust her with their lives, they love her greatly.

But nothing good lasts for long.

Clarke hears the horns as if they were just behind her and is instantly reminded that they are only blown as a sign of war to move forward. Silence washes over the crowd surrounding them and it seems to stretch all over the town as two warriors come running towards Lexa from the direction of the gates.

“ _Azgeda gonakru, Heda._ ” One of them breathlessly informs her as the other one secures Lexa’s shoulder piece on her shoulder and Clarke is instantly aware that whatever is happening is extremely serious.

“ _Shil Clarke up._ ” Lexa orders the guards, the small smiles from before gone from her face and the strong, impenetrable front of the Commander persona wrapping around her like a cocoon.

“What is going on?” Clarke quickly advances as the sounds of horns resound for the second time and the guards incite the crowd to disperse.

“I don’t know yet but my guards will take you to the Tower.” While Lexa’s voice is calmed, she can’t quite hide the turmoil that unravels in her eyes from Clarke.

“And where are you going?” Everyone seems to be panicking now, talking in a language that Clarke hasn’t grasped yet and rushing to get away from the streets. “Are those war horns?”

“Clarke.” Lexa snarls, instantly stopping another series of questions to be thrown her way. “I’ll come find you. Now go with Ando. Your friends will be taken there as well.”

“No, wait! You said Polis was safe. What is happening?”

“Polis _is_ safe.” Lexa assures her, a small frown appearing between her eyes. “Now please, do as I say.”

It’s only when Clarke is riding up an elevator inside the Tower that she realizes that making this wedding happen might be _little_ more difficult than they planned.

…

Translations:

 _Ai niron =_ My love

 _Beja =_ Please

 _Meizen = B_ eautiful

 _Shil Clarke op = P_ rotect Clarke

Gonasleng = Warrior’s Language - English

 _Azgeda gonakru, Heda =_ Ice Nation warriors, Commander

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think of this one, beja.


	12. Wanheda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italics are meant to be Trigedasleng. I am nowhere near fluent in that amazing language, no matter how much I keep trying. Any mistakes are my own.

 

**CHAPTER 12**

Clarke’s worries aren’t long lived, although that’s exactly how she feels. They only wait two hours in a room in one of the highest floors of the Tower when Lexa’s voice leaks through the thin slits of the closed double doors, loud and angry. _Really_ angry, making Clarke finally stop her nervous pacing to stand by the door in anticipation.

Kane, Nathan and Raven instantly stand from their seats at the sound as well, startled eyes fixed on the door as several hurried steps echo down the hallways. They exchange worried glances but no one speaks, they have no idea what is happening, they only know that the horns have stopped and there doesn’t seem to be any attacks going on for the moment.  

Lexa’s voice is heard again, closer, louder and so imposing that Clarke feels her skin crawl. She’s only ever seen Lexa angry once, heard her scream once but she’s usually always been the epitome of collected and control. And the only thing she can think about is that whatever happened must be extremely serious if it’s managing to bring out such a reaction from Lexa.

“Is it safe for us to be here?” Nathan breaks the tense silence and Clarke turns to see Raven standing just behind her, staring at her as if she holds the answers to their questions, as if she could say something to calm the fear they’re all experiencing.

“No one can attack Polis. This is neutral ground.” Clarke throws out as half explanation, half assurance. She refuses to meet Raven’s scared eyes by turning back around though, their earlier conversation still fresh in her mind. Hopefully they’ll have time to straight things out later.  

The next sound they hear is a door slamming so hard that the doors in front of them shake with the force of it and then the screaming finally ceases, most likely because Lexa is now screaming in the privacy of a closed space rather than the hallways.

“You said you heard war horns.” Raven reminds her and Clarke closes her eyes for a moment, briefly wishing that Lexa would walk right through _these_ doors and explain what’s happening instead of her having to wing it to calm down her anxious friends.

But Lexa is not coming and Clarke is starting to get anxious too. Part of her wants to just walk towards Lexa and demand an explanation, get the information she needs no matter what because that’s what she’d have done before, but a bigger part of herself insists on reminding her that trouble is all she carries no matter where she goes and there is no doubt in her head that whatever is happening it’s because of her.

“I know what I heard.” She says facing them, trying to focus on Kane, who has been turning the radio he brought with him anxiously in his hands, like he’s itching to contact her mom and inform her of what’s happening even though they have no idea of what that is. “But Lexa assured me that no one can attack the city. As long as we’re here, we’re safe.”

“And we trust her now?” Raven asks ironically, a mocking smile starting to pull at the corners of her lips but Clarke sees right through her. Raven is terrified by this turn of events, as are all of them.  

“We don’t really have much of an option right now.” She says, aiming to sooth her friends but the truth is that she’s really starting to freak out.

Lexa mentioned a bounty on her head, she is a threat and the Clans believe she is the most deadly person to walk among them. Egar called her the Princess of Death before his dwell with Lexa that resulted in his death. If anyone is about to attack the Capitol -that every Grounder is bound to protect- is because they believe Polis is guarding the single most dangerous person on earth and the risk is worth it.

“What about the people at Ton DC? Are they safe?” Kane inquires worriedly and Clarke realizes that his concern has been because of the people they left behind instead on themselves since they were rushed inside the room and her worries must have been there with his, but instead she’s been thinking about Lexa’s safety and her own, and a city that she’s just barely getting to know but that she inexplicably already loves and _needs_ to protect.

And Clarke isn’t sure how to answer his question. She knows that Lexa wasn’t lying when she told her that no one would attack Polis but Ton DC is a different story, and the Ice Nation has already put a bounty out there for Clarke’s head and perhaps other Clans have followed her lead by now. The obvious place to look for her first would be close to Ton DC, maybe even Camp Jaha itself.

“I don’t know.” She finally admits tiredly, exhausted even, as the two nights without any sleep come rushing to catch up to her and she becomes lightheaded, she feels weak, her extremities are heavy. “I don’t know.”

She ignores Raven’s harsh intake of breath, Nathan’s obvious distress and Kane’s nervous glances as she opts for walking to the far back of the room, if only to free herself from the collective suspense that’s taken over them for just a little bit.

If the Ice Nation has chosen to declare war against Lexa and the Coalition now, then nothing they do will stop it. Not even the Commander’s wedding. With how strained things are between the Ice Queen and Lexa, Clarke is certain that no respect will come from Azgeda regarding their wedding.

…

“ _How dare she sent soldiers to the Capitol’s gates?!_ ” Lexa growls as soon as she exists the elevator with Titus hot on her heels, consciously aware of how her guards step out of her way immediately.

“ _You know this is no mistake as they claim it to be._ ” Titus curtly says, making Lexa stop short in her tracks and turn around to face him. He takes an involuntarily step back when she walks towards him resembling a lion stalking its prey. He’s seen her mad before but this time feels different, her rage reeks of wilderness.  

“ _Of course I know, Titus._ ” She growls, slowly and contained at first. “ _I know what she’s after. I know what she’s hoping to achieve with this so called mistake. I know exactly what she wants!_ ”

Pushing the doors to her throne room open Lexa strides inside wishing –not for the first time- she could give in to her rage and let her anger free as she pleases, but she’s painfully aware of what’s at stake and she knows better than that. If Nia thinks for a second that she is so naïve to play into her mind games then she is evidently mistaken.

Her Advisors are already waiting for her, all standing tensely around her and all fall to their knees when she overlooks them with anger in her eyes that is not meant for them. Still they show her respect in an attempt to avoid her anger, which hasn’t happened in years but their traditions speak highly, and their fear only proves her rightful place as Commander.

“Sit.” She notices that the sun has already gone down and Clarke is probably beating herself for answers that she can’t give her yet.

“Should I cancel tonight’s dinner with your betrothed, Heda?” Titus asks as she takes her seat on her throne. His question and constant pacing only makes her grip the armrests harder, her patience is lacking.

“No.” She tells him and she doesn’t mean to fix him with the hard glare that she’s given him but she won’t sent Clarke or her Advisors into a fear induced state by cancelling something as simple as dinner, besides this is exactly what Nia wants, to stop her wedding preparations by bringing chaos to her doorsteps. “We’ll dine as I said we will. Sit, Titus. Your constant pacing is distracting.”

He stops moving immediately and sits down as told but his eyes are nothing if not crazed, and she knows he wants to see blood running for the clear lack of respect to this prosperous times. Looking away from his anger, Lexa makes sure to have the attention of everyone before she speaks.

“Azgeda soldiers arrived at the gates of the Capitol three hours ago. They came with war horns and armor. A personal guard for their new Ambassador, they claimed. A way to protect her from the Princess of Death.”

_Princess_ is merely a courtesy, Lexa knows the name her people have given Clarke in the past few days and she also knows how much it will hurt Clarke to find out about it.

“Azgeda had no knowledge of Wanheda becoming your betrothed. They are merely misinformed.” Pal adds. “Their new Ambassador needs to be immediately informed of this.”

“She already is.” Titus fills the rest in, his voice shaking slightly as he fights to control his own anger. “That’s the reason why she asked for protection on her arrival to Polis. She claims to distrust Wanheda’s motives for this union with Heda. Somehow they were already aware of Wanheda’s whereabouts and status.”

Huffing to herself, Lexa takes a deep breath on her throne. _Ontari_ is a warrior, the marks on her face and arms are tell enough of that, but she’ll do well to not underestimate Clarke. This whole act of vulnerability might be a distraction, a war tactic but Lexa knows the new Ambassador has come with strict orders from her Queen and has been specifically chosen for whatever mission Nia has plotted. She’ll need to double the guards on the Tower and on Clarke.

“We will not play into the Queen’s games.” Lexa speaks. “It is no mistake that a part of her army has marched so close to Polis. But worry not, I’ve already gave the command for them to return to their lands and they have obeyed. Only Ontari remains and she’ll serve as their Ambassador in the Capitol.”

“She’s threating you.” Leo’s voice cuts through and although soft, is overheard by all of them. Truer words cannot have been spoken. “She believes Clarke has put you up to this. She thinks your marriage is a sham.”

For a moment Lexa allows herself a moment to appreciate the use of Clarke’s name and even feel grateful for it, but Leo’s words are dangerous in its reality. The uncertainty is fast to spread through her Advisors’ eyes at once but she has to be just as fast to shut it down.

“The Ice Queen is entitled to her assumptions, as wrong as they are.” Lexa calmly but unyieldingly responds. “But let it be known that my commitment to my _houmon_ will not be questioned by Nia or anyone else. I won’t allow it and anyone who dares to will respond directly to me. Tomorrow I will meet with the Ambassadors of the Twelve Clans and Nia will do well to keep her tropes away from these lands for good. As for Ontari, she will submit to my laws or face the consequences.”

“Azgeda still needs to learn about your marriage. I’m sure once Queen Nia hears about this joyous news, her worries about Wanheda will be put to rest.” Margot interferes, hopeful still.

“The Queen was already familiar with this information. I want to know who her informant in the Capitol is.” Her eyes meet those of Amada, who is quick to bob her head and accepting the order.

“The Queen has overstepped again.” Titus speaks tensely from his chair. Lexa can see him shake, his anger is palpable, a living thing beating beneath his skin, just like hers has been not long ago. He wants the young warrior’s head who they claimed made the mistake of using the war horns, but Lexa won’t provoke a response from Nia and her army by taking the child’s life. She will not begin this war.

“First she sends her personal Ambassadors to meet with the Elders, then she retrieves her Ambassador from Polis without your knowledge and then they are meeting with members of the Eleven Clans behind your back! And now this! She sends a new Ambassador to the Capitol without consulting you, without your approval. Her troops, as small as they might be, have marched close to Polis and Ontari is walking these streets with messages of fear and doubt towards your betrothed. This is unacceptable!”

His anger confirms his position and Lexa is somehow relived to know that he stands by her, even if he doubts this union, even if he’s already voiced his concerns, even if he isn’t capable of trusting Clarke himself, even when it’s obvious that more doubts will rise before they’re put to rest. Titus stands by her and she can see it in his eyes, the determination to lay all their laws and traditions upon it, upon Clarke and upon their upcoming marriage. He will protect Clarke and Lexa is grateful for his loyalty yet once again.

Standing from her throne Lexa is imposing in the room and it stops any and all reaction from the rest of her Advisors as she calls their attention to focus solely on her.

“I don’t need to be reminded of the Queen’s insubordinations, Titus. But I won’t punish anyone but she, for her mistakes. You know as well as I do that those warriors were only following her orders. Ontari is bound to her quarters until after her Queen makes her presence known and we settle this once and for all. She will not leave this Tower.”

“But Heda, the Queen won’t come to Polis. Not if she is actually defying you.”

“She will if she wants everyone to believe this to have been a mistake. She doesn’t want the Eleven Clans thinking she’s threatening the Capitol while her Ambassadors are trying to convince them that the real threat is Clarke and our marriage.”

“Heda, they need to be punished for this.” Leo is standing now as well, his posture defying her decision already. Lexa knows that he wants blood as well. Like Titus, Leo’s trust is not easily given. “You cannot let this slide and look the other way!”

“I am not looking the other way. I will not start a war, Leo. I will not have her warriors killed so close to Polis to give her motive and I will not endanger this Coalition. Nia is the only one who will respond for this. If she hasn’t arrived in two days time to explain herself then I will take action, not before.”

“What is there to explain?” Leo’s voice rises and Lexa closes her eyes in an attempt to calm herself down. She has to remind herself that he means well. They all mean well and punishing the warrior is merely upholding their ways, but Lexa knows Nia will gladly take whatever she can use against her and she will not give her the ammo to feed to the Clans against herself. However, once the Clans hear of this, no one will stand idly by knowing that Azgeda has threatened Polis, accidentally or not. Tomorrow’s meeting with the Ambassadors will seal Azgeda’s fate but before that, Lexa will not act.

“You heard me.” When he remains quiet, a rarity in itself, Lexa returns to her throne but she doesn’t take a sit. “The Summit with the Skaikru will take place tomorrow at sundown. As for their initiation as the thirteenth Clan is still to be seen.”

They all speak at once. They all believe that the Summit is necessary, especially with their upcoming union. Raising her hand in the air, Lexa takes a deep breath as silence falls and reigns again.

Lexa has no intention of delaying the Skaikru initiation in her Coalition but someone has sent word to Nia about her engagement even when Lexa gave the explicit order not to until their Ambassador is within Polis’ walls. If the Summit’s true motive remains the same then this informant will sent word again and Azgeda will do anything to prevent the Skaikru from joining the Coalition.

“You are dismissed. Amada, stay.”

Leo is a beat away from protesting but Lexa fixes him with a glare that he thankfully finds intimidating enough to walk out of the room behind a very displeased Titus.

Amada stands to meet Lexa in the center of the room before bowing slightly. Lexa is immensely grateful for the older woman’s soothing presence in a moment like this. Amada has always stand out in her ability to maintain a cool head even in times of war. _Think before you act_ , Amada has told a small Lexa when she kept falling down in training.  

“How may I be of service, Heda?”

“Double the guard on the Tower. Make sure we have eyes at all times on the outside, beyond the city limits, if the Azgeda warriors decide to return. Double the shifts, double the force. If they make a move I am to be immediately informed.”

“You think they’d attack the city?”

“No.” Lexa quickly concludes. “Nia is a lot of things, a fool is not one of them. But desperate times call for desperate measures. Her plan already crumbled when I let her warriors go. It won’t surprise me if she tries to make it look like I attacked her to gain the Clans’ favor.”

“She’ll sacrifice her own warriors to achieve this, Heda?”

“Yes, she will.”

Amada’s shoulders stiffen at the admission, her upper lip trembles in an angry snarl that she fights to contain. After having witnessed the cruelty of the Ice Queen on many occasions in the past, she still struggles to understand why a person will willingly seek war in times of peace for the sake of power.

But once, many years ago, when she was only a second to her mentor and the youngest warrior to march to battle, Amada admired Nia and her strength to set her Clan apart from the rest because they were in the middle of war after war, trapped in an infinite circle of fights, blood and chaos, and she managed to stay away, to protect her people from the insanity as a young Queen. But then Heda perished to several wounds and his spirit left his body, finding its next vessel in a young boy of barely eleven summers and the Queen has brought war upon him with renewed force, seeking his power and the spirit that has found a home in him.

Nia was nothing if not pure brutality and Amada realized that she didn’t step away from the wars for the protection of her people. She retreated to plan her move to become the next Commander when the current one passed away, ignoring their beliefs, their traditions and the Elders’ advice.

When Lexa managed to unite the Eleven Clans many years later and Nia knew that she couldn’t defeat Heda in battle, she attacked her heart but Lexa still didn’t break in the way Nia expected her to. Lexa swallowed down her pain and sacrificed her own vengeance for the greater good, for the wellbeing of her people.

This is how Amada knows that Lexa will do the right thing now as well. This is why Amada believes that Nia will do anything to exploit the power and threat that Wanheda possesses. She knows, as well as Nia certainly does, that Lexa won’t let the past repeat itself.

“Has he sent word yet?” Lexa doesn’t meet her eyes when she asks and Amada has to steel herself before she answers. She’s been against this plan but Heda had faith, and Amada’s faith in Heda is still great.

“No, Heda. He has two days left to return.”

“He doesn’t have two days. If he’s not back here by tomorrow before the summit you are to arrest him as soon as he sets foot on my lands.”

“Yes, Heda.”

…

Finally and after hours of pacing the room nervously, waiting for information and worrying sick about what _could_ be happening, Clarke steps back and takes a seat on a worn out leather couch. She is exhausted and wants nothing more than to lay down and sleep but that isn’t even an option right now.  

Since the moment she heard the horns and the word _Azgeda_ on the streets her heart has been beating wildly inside of her chest, and she’s been afraid. At first she was afraid for all of them and after her talk with Kane her mind went to her people, to her mother and to Octavia who stayed back in Ton DC in charge of their friends’ wellbeing, in charge of the still fragile Alliance that she established with the Commander. Clarke was afraid for the people in Polis and for her own life but she didn’t realize how terrified she’s been for Lexa until the Commander walked through the doors safe and sound, angry but _alive_ , and she let out a breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

But Lexa doesn’t come with good news. Azgeda is testing her and not so subtly pushing her buttons. They want war; that much is clear. Lexa announces that the Summit will take place tomorrow, they can’t wait much longer and Clarke agrees.

A storm is about to fall upon them and Lexa is the epitome of stoicism as she retells what happened and answers Kane’s questions without missing a beat, though her eyes keep straying towards Clarke. There is something she is not telling them but Clarke waits until Kane leaves the room to contact her mother on the radio and Raven and Miller have no other option but to follow him out. They will have to return to Lexa’s house but Clarke has to stay in the Tower, in Lexa’s room, _with_ Lexa.

She doesn’t put up a fight, she knows what she signed up for and now more than ever they need to present an unbreakable front. Doubts about their relationship can’t rise, they can’t afford them.

“Why would the Ambassador ask for a personal guard to come to Polis?” She asks softly, painfully aware of how restless Lexa is and how she hasn’t moved from the middle of the room where she stands with her arms tightly clasp behind her back. “You said Polis is safe. Don’t they know that?”

“It is and they do.” Since she walked inside the room, Lexa’s voice has become softer by the minute and now all that’s left after such passionate screams and yells is a tired voice, a tired woman.

“Why would she think that she needed protection then?” Lexa doesn’t offer a verbal answer but when her eyes lock with Clarke’s she just knows.

She breathes in deeply, shakily and she feels herself shrink in the couch. _She_ is the threat. She is the reason why war horns were heard by all the people of Polis. She is the reason why many of them won’t be able to sleep soundly tonight, afraid of what might happen. She is the threat they all fear.   

But Clarke has heard about the Ice Queen, not much but enough to know that she isn’t the kind of ruler to accept fearful warriors among her army and that’s why Ontari’s arrival on Polis is nothing but a clear sign of her intentions.

Nia wants Clarke dead and if she has to convince every single Clan of how dangerous Clarke is, then she will and she’ll lie her way there without consideration.

“She wants to stop the wedding.” She concludes and Lexa finally _moves_ , taking slow and short steps towards a long table by the wall where she sheds her iron gauntlets and the shoulder piece with her red sash before turning to face Clarke again.

“Yes.” She proceeds to walk to other side of the room where she opens the closet and hangs her black coat in a hanger and Clarke forces herself to look away from bare arms and well defined muscles to force out her next words. 

“She wants me dead.” They come out of her mouth simply, without anger, fear or sadness. She wonders when dead became something so common that she no longer fears it and can be talked about so freely.

“She wants your power.”

Looking up, Clarke sees the clothes that Lexa has set on the foot of the bed and she shouldn’t be thinking about sleeping arrangements but she is and suddenly she becomes very aware of the existence of only one bed, and how they are supposed to share it. Polis expects them to share that bed. Lives depend on it. Hell! The Coalition depends on them sharing that bed!

“What power?” She asks confusedly, irritated and attention torn between Nia and that bed. But Lexa’s eyes turn impossibly softer as she kneels in front of Clarke on the floor and her muscles are even more visibly now that she’s so close. But whatever she’s about to tell her Clarke already knows will leave her aching because those green eyes have turned pleading and resigned all at once. Those eyes remind her of a rainy day, of thunders and lightings, with no hope for a clear down.

“My people believe that when you kill a man you get their strength. You brought down the Mountain on your own.”

As vague as her explanation might be, Clarke gets the meaning behind her words clear and she can’t help the pain it brings, she isn’t prepared and as much as she hates the pain there is a part of her that wishes that it never goes away. She wants to be conscious of what she’s done and how much it haunts her. She needs to be aware of how painful it is to kill someone so it doesn’t become _normal_.

“And I killed them all.” She whispers short of breath and now more than ever she wishes Lexa’s presence was support instead of a reminder of what she had to do, but that isn’t the case and her presence only adds to that guilt and pain.

“My people believe you command death itself. That kind of power is wanted by many.”

“Even you.” Clarke whispers the words she knows to be true and Lexa doesn’t deny them, nor does she look away but her eyes do turn haunted.

“Yes.” She admits but Clarke is not surprised by her honesty.

“You knew about this already.” It’s not an accusation, it’s a fact that’s been there since the beginning and she doesn’t blame Lexa for using that information to her favor. She’d have done the same thing and they both know it.   

Lexa can’t afford to be seen as weak without having her people demanding her head and having someone like Clarke walking free would have only fueled the people to believe their Heda can’t overpower her, because that would have been the ideal solution. But Lexa will never cease to surprise Clarke with her intellect. Whoever killed Clarke would have been believed to command death but Lexa has chosen to let her live and rule by her side, this way she’d be conceived as the most powerful Heda there ever was, commanding death and live, side by side.

“I heard the rumors, yes, but I do not believe you to command death. We do what we must to survive. The decisions we make to survive do not define us, Clarke.”

“But they do. They must.” Clarke insists and Lexa frowns.

“What are you talking about?”

“The Ice Queen believes this to be true, right?”

“Not necessarily, but if the Clans believe her to have gained the power of Wanheda they will fear her and she will rise against my rule. She’ll have the support she needs, even if it’s fueled by pure fear.”

But doubt rises between them already and Clarke is once again vulnerable and insecure by the admission. It’ll be so much easier for Lexa to just kill Clarke and be over with it. She doesn’t need to marry her, to protect her, to keep her alive.

“Is that why you’re protecting me?” Lexa leans forward by impulse and although it’s clear that she wants to reach out and take Clarke’s hands in her own, she limits herself to make eye contact and fist her hands on her sides.

“I want you safe, Clarke. I _need you_ to be safe. I won’t -  I can’t lose you to _her._ I won’t let you fall in her hands.”

It’s the emotion in Lexa’s voice that urges Clarke to be the one that reaches out and place a tentative hand on her shoulder. This game has too many blurred lines already that are meant to vanish at some point, leaving them both even more confused and tangled than they already are. Clarke isn’t sure where the lies begins or end anymore. Only life and death is clear as day.

“I wouldn’t blame you.” She softly says and Lexa closes her eyes, taking deep breaths, collecting herself.

“I’m protecting you because I care about you, Clarke. And I don’t want to live in a world without you in it.”

Pulling back her hand Clarke can only stare confusedly and still distrusting, and her doubts keep growing. Maybe her feelings aren’t one sided after all. Just maybe.

“And I need your spirit to stay where it is.” She complies and Lexa’s lips curl slightly upwards at the implication, still sad but somehow hopeful.

“After tomorrow you’ll have the Clans’ protection and no one, _no one_ will be able to touch you.”

The ferocity in Lexa’s voice gives Clarke hope to believe. She nods and Lexa’s confidence gives her strength. Not everything is lost, maybe they do have a chance at peace and maybe they’re closer to achieve it than they think.

“Come on.” Lexa stands and points to the closet behind her as she returns to pick up the coat from the bed. “Pick whatever you want to wear, we have a dinner to attend to.”

…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drop a review, please. :)


	13. Return of the Prince

**CHAPTER 13**

**…**

Dinner is surprisingly enjoyable, despite the obvious tension certain words bring to the table every few minutes. The Commander is firm in not letting the events from earlier in the day cast a shadow over their shared meal but it results unavoidable by the time their plates are empty and their bellies full. 

For the most part Clarke realizes that the Advisors are not looking to discredit her or her upcoming marriage with their Heda, their intentions are clear enough in their eagerness to learn more about the woman who has stolen their Commander’s heart. But curious and mostly innocent questions about life in space take a sharp turn when Pal mentions Ontari’s presence in the Tower and  into the not so peaceful part of their future and things go downhill quickly.

“How many guards are watching Ontari?” Leo asks next and his question is the one that unravels many upon the table. Clarke limits herself to watch intently, although it isn’t hard to smell the frustration coming out in waves from Lexa at the head of the table.

“Should I sent word to the Ambassadors before tomorrow’s gathering?” Pal questions, trying to avoid Lexa’s eyes, as if sensing they’re all walking on eggshells and they are, Clarke knows they are. 

“Will Nia’s punishment be decided tomorrow? There has to be a punishment.” Titus deadpans, despite looking even more nervous than Pal but certainly more decided.

However, those green, controlled eyes of the Commander are focused on Clarke as the table erupts in endless -justified- questions. Lexa isn’t wearing her shoulder piece but the red sash that Clarke has grown accustomed to see flying behind the retreating figure of the Heda is intricately wrapped around her neck serving as a large, warm scarf as a reminder of her position. Not that Lexa needs a reminder of her leadership, her mere presence is imposing and the aura surrounding her is mighty in itself. There is no doubt that she is the one in charge in this room and in any other room for that matter. 

The gold piece between Lexa’s eyes glows in the dull light that the candles spread around the room provide for the occupants and those green eyes burn in the particular chill night above the sudden loud environment. 

Endless words swim in those irises as she continues to look at Clarke and the blond becomes entranced. There are books, encyclopedias, bibles and a sole religion written in there, waiting to be discovered, begging to be read and praying to be decoded. The room grows louder but all Clarke can see is the sadness embedded in the face of the woman sitting to her left and listen in the silence the words that cannot be spoken. 

She falls in love right there. She falls all over again, incapable to remember the exact moment when she fell in love the first time, Clarke is merely certain that somewhere along the way her heart stopped being hers and went on to beat next to Lexa’s inside of her chest, hers to hold even when she doesn’t want it, even when she doesn’t even suspect it, forevermore.

These eyes that hold her stare are trying to break free and speak, they are haunted and they are tired, they are young and they are yearning for support, but they are also so strong. 

Clarke falls in love all over again and this time she does it knowingly. This time it happens after a betrayal that broke her, turned her into something foreign, a stranger inside her own mind, her own body and she accepts it. The future isn’t painted in hope and pretty colors like it was before, instead it’s filled with greys and red and uncertainty, distrust and more red but Clarke accepts it. 

Someone slams a hand on the table, the cutlery jumps a few inches in the air before hitting the plates back and a few cups turn over spilling wine and water on the other side and Lexa’s only reaction is to fist her hand a bit harder on top of the table. 

But Clarke sees Lexa’s jaw tightening, taut muscles jumping, moving and setting angrily as she looks away from her. Despite being afraid, Lexa is seconds away from losing patience and Clarke sees it. 

Her hand comes in contact with an iron-grip twisted one and those green eyes are back on her, confused and searching. But Clarke pulls her fingers free, returning the color to Lexa’s palm and knuckles, and she soothes the skin with her touch until Lexa’s jaw relaxes and her thumb shyly caresses Clarke’s in gratitude.  

Because her eyes are on her Clarke sees the moment strength overpowers fear and Lexa’s free hand - delicately but determined - raises in the air like a symbol impossible to ignore and the shouting stops at once. Power is a still a funny thing for Clarke but for Lexa is who she is, and it suits her so well that Clarke is left to watch in astonishment. 

Her hand grows still but Lexa’s thumb continues to graze her knuckles, and now Clarke is the one being comforted and she notices it. It’s been only a couple of months but it’s been enough for this stranger to carve her way deep into her being and is so easy to accept this instead of trying to fight it.

Poetry was never something she appreciated or understood before, literature was her least favorite class in the Ark, but this has to be the kind of thing poets wrote about and got their inspiration from in the old world, when poetry was acclaimed and survival wasn’t everything that occupied the mind of people. 

Lexa’s thumb sending shivers up and down Clarke’s entire arm could have been the core of a thousand sonnets that spoke about comfort and peace, home and safety. Lexa’s eyes, calmed and controlled, green like the woods she grew up to love, could have been the spur that made poets long to see the outside world and remember their first love, ache to feel the earth beneath their toes and smell the rainy air of the early winter.

There is only silence now but the pressure of a soft and safe hand speaks volumes to Clarke. She is ignorant to the looks she receives around the table, of the small smiles and prideful chests swelling with joy they didn’t know they needed and that now welcome with open arms at seeing the way she looks at the woman they all swore to serve and protect, and love despite the odds of the nature of their world, despite the sacrifices they’ll continue to demand from her. 

She is none the wiser because that hand is still in the air and those eyes are no longer soft but rather resemble the quiet sky before a storm, unforgiving but just, unknown but familiar.  

“Ontari is being kept in her quarters and that’s where she’ll remain until the day after tomorrow. She will attend tomorrow’s meeting as the representative of her Clan. Her fate lies in the hands of her Queen. Enough guards ensure her stay. I will inform the Ambassadors of the events of this morning myself tomorrow, though I doubt word hasn’t gotten to them by now. The Coalition will decide on Nia’s punishment as our tradition demands.”

Is only after she’s done answering some of their questions that Lexa’s hand returns to the table with her Advisors’ eyes following it slowly. Clarke is only half certain that many other questions were shouted but her attention is solely focused on the woman, not the leader, not the warrior and definitely not the Commander of the Twelve Clans. 

Ontari could be merely a distraction while Nia infiltrates the city, she could be the chosen assassin of her Queen to put an end to Clarke’s life once and for all, power be damned, she could be the head of a revolution against Lexa’s reign and someone in this very table could be disloyal and in informant to their enemies. There are many things that can go wrong and Clarke knows that something has to give. War is inevitable at this point, the Ice Queen has gone to a point of no return with her actions and Lexa won’t let this slide. 

Camp Jaha is in danger and Clarke isn’t blind to the threat her people run by the mere fact of being connected to her, friends and family could be attacked at any minute if Nia decides that she doesn’t want to wait anymore but for the life of her, Clarke cannot look away from Lexa’s profile. 

The turmoil inside of her head is beating loud and resembles war drums, insistent and constant, a reminder of her choices and duties, her head forces her to  _ think  _ while her heart feels like it’s finally breathing freely after so long. 

She is in danger, death follows her like the winter follows the cold and rain. Death, that’s all she’s ever been surrounded by since they came down. Death is the only sure thing she knows exists wherever she goes, whoever she’s with. Death is who she is, is who everyone sees when they look at her, is what she brings. Death is her shield. Death is her legacy. Death is her only power. 

Does death deserve to love such a young, secretive, intelligent, strong and beautiful woman? Is death allowed to love? Is death allow to be happy? Is death allowed to protect?

“This is exactly what Nia wants.” Lexa continues, her hand squeezing that of Clarke’s lightly and effectively pulling back her attention where is needed. “This was her goal today, to send you all into a panic state and I can see that she’s succeeded. So now I must ask you, my Advisors, to trust in my judgment on this matter. I do not wish to see my Coalition crumble and I promise you justice will be served for those who seek to destroy it.”

…

Three maidens are waiting for them on their return to Lexa’s quarters. Dozens of lit candles illuminate every corner of the room, steam is coming out of the bathroom and the three women move around respectfully but comfortably, as if they’ve done this a thousand times before and for all Clarke knows, they probably have. 

Lexa smiles softly as one of the women helps Clarke out of her coat and offers to undo her braids when she denies the offer of a bath. For someone who is used to do everything for herself, Clarke can’t help to find the help of the maidens a bit uncomfortable and unnecessary but Lexa is still smiling that small secret smile that makes Clarke want to be okay with this. 

Lexa is quick to accept a bath and two of the women follow her into the bathroom while Clarke tries hard not to think of their hands washing Lexa’s body and hair. She wonders if this is the way things just are in the Capitol, if Lexa ever takes a bath alone. Even back in Ton DC two maidens were always catering to Lexa’s every need and Clarke can’t help to think if they also helped Lexa take her baths and it unsettles her gravely. 

In reality, Lexa is free to do whatever and be with whomever she wants but this is still an act. The maidens know of their engagement and although Lexa mentioned that they are forbidden to speak of what they hear and see when in her presence, Clarke is not obtuse enough to believe that they’d keep their mouths shut if they were to realize that this engagement is a sham. 

So she accepts help changing into a silk blue robe and sits very still as the young woman combs her hair and laughter coming from the bathroom is the only sound that disrupts this peaceful moment. Clarke seethes inside just thinking about what is happening over there and why there would be laughter at all. She barely registers the expectant stare the short haired woman is giving her until she does a double take. 

“What?” The woman’s English is broken and instead of speaking again she motions to the bed and once again Clarke accepts the help and she can’t go through the whole process of being tucked in without feeling like a small child and missing her mother dearly. But so great is her anger that she doesn’t register that she’s in Lexa’s bed, tucked between her sheets and furs, and her head comfortably resting on Lexa’s pillow until the woman bows and leaves the room quietly. 

The pang on her chest is so familiar that she doesn’t flinch when it beats this strong anymore, she just acknowledges it, it’s there, it’s not going anywhere and it’s meant to grow beyond anything she can control. It only ever pangs this way when Lexa is involved and right now, in this bed, Clarke is enveloped in Lexa’s smell and the knowledge that she can love someone she despises at the same time beats within her shamelessly. 

She feels nostalgic and craving, as if Lexa isn’t making the maidens laugh in the bathroom and these furs aren’t covered in her sweet, earthy smell that Clarke has grown to associate with the Commander. This feeling in her chest is powerful and so profoundly a part of her now that is impossible to ignore. 

Clarke wants to wait for Lexa to come out, she wants to see her fresh out of a bath and ready for bed, make sure that the maidens leave so they can talk about sleeping arrangements but she’s asleep within minutes of sinking in the comfort of her fiancée’s bed.

...

The morning light takes longer than usual to break through the heavy clouds but the first thought to come to Lexa’s mind after she opens her eyes is that she needs to replace the couch in her bedroom immediately. Muscles aching and feet practically freezing from where they’ve slipped out from underneath the furs, the Commander rises from the couch where she spent the night and hurries to put away the furs she took from the closet in case anyone seeks her this early. 

On her bed Clarke sleeps soundly, exhausted and most importantly, safe. 

In her sleep Clarke has turned on her side and in her arms she holds the pillow that Lexa usually claims as her own, her nose buried in the softness of the silk fluffy object as she rests. Having Clarke so close makes her chest feel lighter somehow because she’s at reaching distance and as long as Lexa lives and is able to protect, Clarke will be safe. 

Lexa takes a deep breath when her chest threatens to explode but the motion only makes her throat go dry and she wishes to be in that bed, be the body Clarke is so desperately holding onto, be the safety Clarke holds onto. Her presence is only making Clarke’s life difficult once more. 

But they agreed and Clarke is smart, she’s selfless and so willing to sacrifice herself for the greater good that it terrifies Lexa even more than war itself. The Arkers certainly don’t know what a marvelous woman is fighting to protect them. That is why she didn’t doubt in taking the couch and she won’t mind sleeping there for the rest of her nights to ensure that Clarke is comfortable and her boundaries are respected. 

With the rain stopping and the sun shyly trying to shine through all the grey the Tower begins to vibrate with life. Lexa can already hear a few voices carrying down the hallways outside of her room and soon there’ll be knocking on her door. Regretfully and carefully she walks to the side of the bed that remains untouched and nervously runs her hands down her thighs, unsure of how to wake Clarke. She hasn’t felt so out of place in a long time and she doesn’t want to bother Clarke in any way but they still have a role to play and no one can find out about where they actually spent their nights or how far apart for that matter. 

“Clarke?” The strange creature on her bed doesn’t give any signs of having heard her and Lexa is left biting her bottom lip. She tries again, a little louder but Clarke’s only reaction is to hug the pillow tighter, burying her entire face in it and breathing in deeply at the object in her arms. The last time she saw Clarke sleep the blond has awaken frightened and fresh from a nightmare, and she really doesn’t want to put an end to this peaceful slumber but she must.

“Clarke.” A bit louder. The Commander receives a low growl in response this time but Clarke continues to sleep. She thinks about nudging Clarke in the shoulder but she really doesn’t want to touch the girl without her consent, as innocent as this context might look. 

“Clarke.” She firmly calls out, louder and her heart sinks when Clarke jumps slightly and her eyes slowly blink away the sleep. 

Disoriented and adorably, Clarke’s eyes gently focus on her and Lexa observes in relative silence as Clarke inspects the bed, pushes away the pillow she was hugging a second ago away and sits up against the headboard as she rubs her eyes calmly.

“Where did you sleep?” Clarke asks, her voice rough and low that does inexplicable things to Lexa’s body and mind. 

“The couch.” She busies herself with pulling back the covers of the place where she was supposed to spent the night and deliberately not looking at Clarke or the generous amount of cleavage her nightgown shows now that she’s not longer covered in furs up to her neck. She’s always known how  _ good  _ Clarke looks in the color blue but the sight of Clarke dressed in something Lexa herself chose for her and ordered to be put in her closet makes her  _ want _ more than she’s ever allowed herself to before. 

A weight settles on her lower stomach the more she tries to ignore the beautiful thing on her bed and she really shouldn’t look up because Clarke’s hair is tousled and her cheeks are tinted pink and it really shouldn’t be a sight to behold. Only it is, and Lexa is breathless and so incredibly undeserving of seeing such beauty that she forces herself to look away again, trying to ignore the response her body is unconsciously having. 

“I’m sorry.” Clarke apologizes and her sleepy voice sends shivers down Lexa’s stomach and thighs, making the Commander turned hastily to face the opposite wall, if only to avoid herself the embarrassment  of her inappropriate -but accidental- reaction.

“Don’t be.” She hurries to say over her shoulder as she places the pillow Clarke was hugging on the neat side of the bed. “The couch is more than comfortable.”

“But this is your bed.” Clarke insists as the voices grow louder down the hallway. Her maidens will be in her room at any moment now. Hastily, she takes the same pillow again and covers her lap as she sits on the mattress to face Clarke properly.

“You needed to rest well, Clarke.”

“So did you.” The blond eyes the pillow curiously and Lexa remains unmoving but not any less flustered, and prays that the blond really doesn’t caught on. 

“Don’t concern yourself about it. I want you to take the bed at night, I’m more than okay with taking the couch.”

“What if someone were to walk in?” Clarke furrows, working on picking up her hair in a messy bun, and Lexa grips the pillow on her lap and curses her body for the thousandth time this morning. And Clarke should understand better than anyone why Lexa chose to sleep on the couch but the blonde is simply being herself, trying to make sure that Lexa isn’t uncomfortable when they both know they are nowhere near to share a bed, even if it’s just to sleep.

“They will knock.” Now, a bit more awake, Clarke seems to realize that they’re sitting on the same bed and she really can’t get out of it any faster than she does, which only confirms Lexa’s earlier assumptions.  

The Commander deflates entirely and for a moment she doesn’t know how to react, how to move or how to simply continue to be after such a blunt rejection. The pillow is no longer necessary after all and she leaves it on the bed before standing and pulling the furs farther down hoping they look messy enough to pass as a cover when the maidens get here. 

“Is there anything I should know about the Summit?” This time Lexa makes sure to keep her eyes away from Clarke, not wanting a repeat of her early reaction and far too vulnerable to face Clarke’s disgust and discomfort. 

“Yes, there are a couple of things you need to be aware of. I’ll come find you later or send someone to prepare you.”

“Where are you going?” Clarke asks just as there is a knock of the door.

“ _ Min op _ .” Lexa orders before meeting Clarke’s eyes briefly. “There are meetings I need to attend this morning. I should be done after lunch and then I’ll be with you and your people. We’ll go over what you can expect at the summit then.”

Her maidens brings breakfast and Lexa is glad to see them catering to Clarke first, as their traditions demand, but she is in no state of mind to try and pretend anything this morning so she leaves the room and is glad to see Aisha following her with a set of clothes into the bathroom where she wastes no time in getting ready.

There is so much to do, so many angles she needs to keep her sight on, especially today, and she can’t have her attention divided because her Coalition depends on her to remain focused.

When she emerges from the bathroom, dressed and ready to leave, Clarke is eating fruit by the window while the maidens take care of the bed and pick their dirty clothes. Lexa takes this chance to let Clarke know she’s on her way out but her haste retrieve is stopped immediately with a playful glare. 

“You are not leaving this room until you’ve had breakfast.” From the corner of her eye Lexa can see the girls holding back smiles and she can only stare in shock because she keeps forgetting how  _ good  _ Clarke is at playing this game. The blond can go from jumping out of bed simply because she noticed she was sharing it with Lexa to concerned and playful lover in the blink of an eye if the situation requires it, and it leaves the Commander breathless and so very surprised each time.

“Of course.” She tries to smile but her voice is too tensed, too controlled to be considered normal. Still, Clarke is good enough for the both of them. Lexa can do nothing but play along as Clarke’s hand slides into her own and guides her to the small table where juice and meat and fruit is on trays, waiting to be served and consumed. 

“I got it.” Clarke even stops Aisha from serving Lexa and takes on the task herself as Lexa sits stiffly and pretends to  be blind and deaf to the reaction of her maidens. 

“Thank you.” Is all she says when Clarke pushes a full plate in her direction and pours juice in a cup with a smile before taking the seat to her right with a lovingly smile on her pink lips that only manages to confuse Lexa even further. 

The food turns to ashes in her mouth but she forces herself to keep eating because this is for show after all and she’s not about to ruin Clarke’s amazing performance when Lexa knows how difficult all of this must result for her. For all that is wholly, Clarke must be trying so hard to make this look like it's normal behavior and Lexa feels sick to her stomach at the picture they paint together. This was never her intention and she never wanted to see Clarke this way, or force her into anything but they need this and she has to admit that Clarke’s quick thinking is paying off immensely but Clarke is far from forgiving her if the look on her face earlier was anything to judge by. 

In relative silence she eats until the maidens finally turn to leave and her doors click closed once more. Only then does she turn to face Clarke, noticing how quick the smile that was gracing her lips mere seconds ago has disappeared. “You don’t have to do this.” 

“Is just food, Lexa. And you have to stop telling yourself that I don’t need to do anything. This will only work if I make it work and you know it.”

“The maidens are here for a reason, Clarke. I do not wish for you to serve my food and pour my drinks. I know how uncomfortable that makes you.”

“I’ve seen your people’s wives and how they behave. I’m just trying to make this believable, isn’t that the plan after all?”

“You are a leader to your people, this kind of behavior isn’t expected from you. I can do these things myself.”

“Do you prefer  _ them  _ serving you?” The seething rage lacing Clarke’s tone makes Lexa take pause and stare. 

“What?” Feeling completely at a lost, Lexa watches Clarke fume on her seat and advert her eyes. 

“If you prefer them catering to you and laughing at whatever stupid joke you tell them, just tell me and I’ll make sure to leave the room when they appear. We are not bound to each other for real, right? Isn’t that what you said?”

“No, that’s not what I - ” Stopping mid sentence Lexa takes in Clarke’s crossed arms, frowned forehead and pursed lips with a heavy sigh. She knew how difficult this was for Clarke, how humiliating it must result to be serving Lexa and pretend to love her just to ensure the Coalition doesn’t fall. And it seems so trivial now, to be sacrificing oneself for the benefit of others, to put aside one’s needs and hate and urges for the greater good by pretending to love the one person she obviously despises. 

“I will respect your wishes, Clarke. I have not deluded myself into believing that you agreed to this marriage for another reason than to protect your people. You will have the liberty to do as you wish after our marriage, the same way you do now. But be aware that the fakeness of this marriage will only be known by us. This is already real in the eyes of my people and it must remain that way.”

With Clarke’s eyes advert, Lexa can’t even attempt to know what’s going through her mind. What changed since the night before? During dinner with her Advisors Clarke looked comfortable, she seemed to be enjoying herself and Lexa is ashamed to admit -even to herself- that for a moment she forgot Clarke was pretending when she was holding her hand at that table. 

“I need to go.” She announces but Clarke only nods her head without looking back at her and Lexa has no other choice but to leave the room in utter silence and feeling like she should apologize further or say something else. 

Titus is dutifully waiting for her outside with her guards plus six more, that will add to Clarke’s personal security, and together they make their way to the Throne room where a few matters are to be tended before she can attend her meeting with Amada. He informs her that Ontari is in her room like she ordered, he stopped by in the morning to check on her and make sure that she was keeping to herself personally.

Ontari is a subject that is constantly on Lexa’s front mind, warning her that something is definitely on the road, a plan that has been put into action and that she has no idea of what it truly is. But keeping Nia’s pawn confided in a room might just setback that plan a few steps back. 

Half of the morning she attends to minor disagreements that could have been put to rest by one of her Advisors but that for some reason have been put on hold until her return. Disputes between merchants are always noisy and tiring, and require a great amount of patience that Lexa simply does not have today. 

“ _ Em pleni _ !” Both raging men finally stop yelling as the Commander rises from her seat. “I will hear no more of this. You both sell the same goods, both high quality goods and I will not choose one over the other. Find a way to work together at the market by yourselves or I’ll have you both removed from the Capitol by sundown.”

“ _ Sha,  Heda _ .” Finally, Lexa takes a moment to lean on the table and breathe in deeply as the events of the day and what has yet to happen fill her mind again. The door opens and closes behind her softly and soon Titus’ voice interrupts the silence in the room.

“Heda, the Sky people has arrived. I’ve arranged for them to be brought to the Tower. They’ll be meeting with your betrothed soon.” 

“Thank you, Titus.”

“You said tonight will serve as a formal announcement of your engagement.” Lexa hears the doubt in his voice even before he continues. “Why would more Sky people come to the Capitol if that is the whole purpose of tonight’s gathering?”

Facing Titus she can tell he’s already suspicious, as he should be, she’s taking a page out of his teaching book after all with this move, and though she doubts Titus is the Queen’s informant in Polis she still needs to be careful. 

“Clarke’s mother and the friends she considers family are among the newcomers. She wants them here. You think this is a bad idea.”

“Their arrival speaks of hidden motives, Heda. And this is not the time for good intentions.”

“You think the wedding should be postponed.” Lexa states, having caught on to what he’s been trying to say all along.

“Your focus should be on the Coalition for now. Nia is moving against you and your priority is to Clarke as we speak.”

“My Coalition is my main priority. I will not see it fall, Titus. Everything I’m doing is to ensure its strength.”

“You plan to take us all by surprise tonight. I know they’re here for their initiation as the Thirteenth Clan and you’ve chosen to keep this from your Advisors.” He accuses, not with anger but rather with a hint of hurt.

“I chose to be careful, like you taught me.”

“And I understand that but time is not on our side.”

“I will not let the fear of war dictate my next move, Titus. I will not cancel this wedding and the Summit  _ will  _ take place tonight.” 

“You should ask for support tonight and march to the Ice Nation and dismantle any plan Queen Nia is plotting against you at down.”

“I am ensuring their loyalty with this marriage.” Lexa’s voice rises but Titus is feelings just as flustered as she is. 

“Loyalty to Wanheda and the Sky People. That’s what you’re after. I should not be reminding you of the past but it seems like you’ve forgotten of where actions like this took you once.” 

Knuckles turning white as she grips the handle of her knife tightly, the Commander looks up, locking Titus in, daring him to look away as she stalks closer. His tone, though not loud, rings in Lexa’s ears long after he’s done speaking. He hasn’t mentioned this incident ever before and his pained eyes beg her to understand why he’s doing it now.

She remembers the tears that he didn’t let run free for her benefit, because the Coalition she was forming needed her to be strong, because he knew that if she were to break she’d never be whole again. The tears of her people, however, could have given birth to a new river. She remembers alright, the memory of half-felt happiness and relief was everything that followed her for days after the Ice Queen knelt before her and bowed to her command. The pain that slowly turned her into someone else entirely that even he had trouble recognizing her and she didn’t blame him because she had trouble recognizing herself when she stood in front of a mirror too. She remembers everything. 

She remembers breaking down in his arms weeks after it happened, exhausted after endless meetings to ensure her people’s wellbeing and peace, her knees hitting the ground before he could get to her and the hours that came after with her crying Costia’s death in his arms. She remembers because he became a different person after that day as well. His determination to protect her became limitless and they both turned incredibly guarded and cold, and he sees now, he has to, how genuine her feelings for Clarke are and he is willing to do anything to spare her that kind of pain again.  _ She _ is willing to do anything to not repeat the past.  

“I understand your concern and I’m grateful for your honesty, Titus.”

“Heda.” He tries when it becomes clear that she is closing up.

“The past remains fresh in my memory. My hand does not waver, teacher.”

She hasn’t call him that in years and it hits them both how much has changed indeed since the days when that was the only name she was allowed to call him. Holding his breath, the Advisor vows his head respectfully, regretful of what’s become of the skinny little girl he was entrusted to take care of.

... 

Outside the wind has picked up, the winter is definitely upon them now, a few more days and travelling will be almost impossible. The harvest parties are scheduled to arrive in two days but a trading agreement must be discussed as soon as possible with the Skaikru. Just another reason why the Summit needs to happen today.

On her way down she passes by Ontari’s quarters, the guards are vigilant and are quick to assure her that no one has try to visit the Ice Nation Ambassador, however she has tried to leave on several occasions and suddenly the dozens guards on the hallway don’t seem like enough. The Tower is well guarded, as she expected it to be, but Lexa still sends for six more guards to strengthen the guard.  

Amada is waiting for her five floors down, like they agreed. She is not leaving the Tower today and Clarke isn’t either. The additional presence in the room immediately caughts her attention and with a nod of her head she indicates her guards to wait outside. 

“ _ He arrived before the sun came out, Heda. I brought him here immediately _ .” Amada informs her as the vanished Prince of Azgeda -turned her chosen emissary- vows his head slightly acknowledging her. 

“ _ What news do you bring for me, Prince Roan of Azgeda? _ ” 

Nia’s son stares at her before he tells her about his mother’s plan and the part the Ambassadors were supposed to play in it before the announcement of her wedding became public, and their views changed. The Clans were anxious and distrusting of her benevolence towards Wanheda -like she suspected- but her engagement has served its purpose and turned that distrust into relief and pride, and fear. He tells her what she doesn’t want to hear, what she somehow always knew, the Queen’s informant sits on her table. The spy that has been fetching the Ice Queen her agenda is one of her Advisors.

...

_ Min op  _ = Enter

_ Em pleni _ = Enough

_ Sha, Heda  _ = Yes, Heda

 


	14. Summit

**CHAPTER 14**

...

Clarke has seen her mother angry on many occasions while growing up, going from annoyed to almost hostile reactions and she knows these reflexes like the  back of her hand, giving that she’s an only child and most of those were always directed towards her. However, the reaction Abby has when she tells her about her upcoming wedding with the Commander and the crucial part it plays in keeping peace is completely new.

Not only does Abby look furious but also devastated, and both of these feelings hit her so suddenly and strongly that exhaustion is quick to claim her mind and body. Luckily, Bellamy is standing close enough to catch Abby as she faints. It’s not that the news about the engagement didn’t get to Ton DC, Harper and Bellamy have heard rumors about it -and Indra apparently send a congratulatory gift with the guards that accompanied them on the trip- but weren’t a hundred percent convinced they were true until Clarke confirmed them herself a few minutes ago.

The few hours that her mother sleeps on Lexa’s bed are silent and the most tensed Clarke has ever experienced. Bellamy is not eager to say anything but Clarke knows by the frown on his forehead and the strained posture of his shoulders that he is not happy about the announcement either, he is too distrustful of Lexa and everything that she represents. Harper is silently observing everyone but her face remains free of judgement, her eyes meeting Clarke’s without any reservation, anger or resentment. Raven is keeping to herself in benefit of repairing a radio Bellamy has brought for her to check and that has been malfunctioning the last couple of days, Nathan naps on the couch and Kane vibrates around the room with barely contained worrisome and pent up energy.

When Aisha, Mona and Tina enter carrying lunch Clarke lets out a deep breath, relieved by their presence and the distraction it provides, although momentarily. They leave quickly after serving the food on the table by the window and informing Clarke they’ll be back to pick up later.

Bellamy is the first one to move towards the food and Clarke follows him. Despite the rough start they experienced when they first landed on Earth, their relationship has evolved into something that cannot simply be defined by a single word. They are not friends, they are something more. They are not family but they love like one.

“How is training going?” She noticed the slight bruises and small cuts on his face when he arrived but they haven’t had the time to talk alone until now.

“We’re getting our asses kicked every day. O is loving it.” He chuckles proudly and Clarke smiles despite the situation because she can still picture Octavia in her element and hopefully after today she’ll never have to be away from what she loves again.

“I bet. Is everyone managing well?”

“Yeah, not everyone is training in combat though. Some are learning with the healers, others are hunting our meals and Monty is trying to set up some electricity going by setting some solar panels. Jasper’s been helping him out and your mom sent Sinclair to help too.”

The mention of Jasper hits her with a wave of guilt that she can’t shake as easily as she used to because the Mountain flashes through her mind in a matter of seconds that leaves her feeling weak and shaky, like her knees might give in at any moment. She holds onto the edge of the table for support as Bellamy pretends to entertain himself with a piece of fruit neither one of them has seen before.

“That’ll be wonderful. The use of candles in Polis is outrageous.” He chuckles again and his curly hair falls to his eyes as he nods his head in agreement after looking around the room.

“I wouldn’t want to be the one in charge to light these up for the Commander.” They share a small laugh before trying the round fruit with matching frowns that quickly disappear with the sweet taste of the small piece of heaven. Clarke is certain that the biggest reason for his smile is the table full of food to their disposition and all the new fruits at the ready too.

“Wanheda, huh?” He tastes the word, lets it roll off his tongue with the hint of a smile that is layered with sadness, but that neither of them acknowledge for the sake of keeping their minds where they need them.

“I didn’t see that coming.” She admits, fingers tapping the edge of the table nervously. Having them all here is putting everything into a perspective she hasn’t considered yet. She’s had time, precious time to get to scrape the edges of the person that exists beneath the Commander but she’s been an only exception. Her mother, her friends, Bellamy, everyone in the Ark don’t see this, they can’t and Lexa has been shaping a reputation with them since the moment she stepped into their lives, and the way they see her is much different from hers.

When her people see the Commander, they see Finn condemned to die, they see terror walking, they see bridges blowing, people dying, Jasper speared, grounders surrounding them. When her people see Lexa, they remember being abandoned at the Mountain. No one saw their own devastation reflected in those green eyes, no one remembers with Clarke because no one but she saw it happening.

“Are you sure about this?” Bellamy asks, his voice deeper and his eyes hard. Perhaps he’s thinking about the things he can’t do to spare her from this fate but they have stopped trying to pretend that they can control anything long ago. They have tried their best and they have done the best they could but they’ve learned that their best is never going to be enough.

“This is the only way.”

“There is always Mount Weather.” Raven leans on the table before taking a seat to their left. “We could just lock ourselves there, I mean those freaks lived in there for a hundred years and made it. Who says we can’t?”

The silence in the room expands like an abyss and Clarke fears that they might be considering Raven’s words, but it’s not contemplation that she finds in their faces when she looks around, it’s utter disbelief.

“You’re not serious.” Harper roars and in two strides she’s in Raven’s space menancily.

“Do you have any idea of what they did to Harper there?” Nathan, suddenly very much awake, is quick to follow his friend as Raven serves herself more fruit on a plate, deliberately ignoring their reactions but not their words.

“Did they drill her?” She asks detached and Clarke’s heart sinks because she knows what’s coming. “Because they did that to me too. And do you know who was to blame for that?”

“Raven, stop.” Bellamy warns tensily.

“The Commander.”

“You are not serious.” Kane states, his presence reminding them that they are no longer in charge, they are no longer alone.

“Of course I’m not.” Raven rolls her eyes. “The grounders will kill us all before letting us in Mount Weather.”

“Mount Weather is a sensitive topic for them. Nothing is set on stone. We need to be careful.” Raven rolls her eyes again but this time it lacks conviction, and though this is her people and their distrust is justified Clarke’s mind just isn't there with them. Her mind is on Lexa’s words, her heart is with Lexa’s pain and the only thought that matters in this moment is that Lexa’s father and uncle were taken by Mount Weather.

“The Mountain is filled with supplies and medical equipment that is just going to waste.” Raven continues and Clarke’s mind clicks back in place.

“I’m sorry? Have you not listened to a word I’ve said since we got here? We are at war. The Ice Nation wants to wipe us out. This title that has been put on my head is the only thing keeping her from doing that right now. If I die, which Lexa is trying to prevent from happening, the Ice Queen will kill every Sky person she finds and the eleven Clans will follow her lead because they’ll believe she commands death. The Ark won’t stand a chance against the Twelve Clans’ Army.”

“And a wedding is the solution for that?”

“Tonight we become the thirteenth Clan and my wedding will ensure Lexa’s place as Commander of the Coalition. This wedding will stop anyone from killing all of us, their tradition demands the wife of the Commander to be protected and I will ensure that my people is untouched.”

“Why do you care if Lexa lives or dies? And why do we have to fall behind in line?”

Because she’s in love with that woman, that’s why she cares and that’s why she’s probably too eager to see sense in what Lexa is doing. But she came to the Capitol for them, for every single one of them. She’s doing this for everyone she cares about, why can’t Raven see that?

“Do you know what would make Lexa stronger in the eyes of her people? If she killed me and made a spectacle of it.”

“Clarke, we understand why this needs to happen.” Kane tells her but her eyes are locked with Raven’s hurt ones and it’s not lost on Clarke how everyone else has simply limited themselves to listen. They need her to justify this, that much is clear.

“They believe I command death. I know how absurd that sounds but they believe this, the Clans are willing to betray Lexa’s Coalition if Nia gains this power by killing me herself. I don’t ask you to understand their beliefs, I find it hard to wrap my mind around it too but I ask you to respect them. This is not our world, these are not our lands, this is not our jurisdiction. We are invaders, but Lexa has gone against everything to keep her people from killing us all since the moment we got here and she’s been managing but it is time for a lasting compromise to be made.”

“Why are so keen on defending her?” Raven pushes but there is recognition in her eyes as well. She was in that tent too, she saw Clarke at her most weakened state, she saw how Lexa affected her and how much it hurt to see her again. She’s just asking for a confirmation now and Clarke’s heart breaks for the millionth time when she realizes why exactly.

“Because she could have killed me the moment she saw me and that would have made her invincible in the eyes of her people. Because she chose to seek an Alliance with us even when she knew her people will disapprove after the Mountain. Because she’s been saving my life ever since. Because she’s doing everything she can to assure that we see another day, not just me but all of us. Because she doesn’t want war, she wants peace. Because she understands that Wanheda doesn’t mean anything and because she sees me, not the title. Because she’s willing to let me lead along her side instead of taking this power for herself and use it against us. Because she wants - she - ”

She wipes furiously at the tears falling down her cheeks and tries to swallow a breath to alleviate her pained lungs but nothing can ease her sore throat from closing in. Lexa has been speaking to her all this time, hasn’t she?

“Because she needs someone to defend her.”

Clarke sees the shame washing in Raven’s face before she lowers her eyes and refuses to look up again. She rubs at her eyes sharply, angry that the tears deny to stop rolling down.

“Do you trust her?” Bellamy softly asks and his apprehension is palpable, it makes Clarke want to roll her eyes like Raven was doing before. “Because she left us to die once and this can easily be a way to guide us into a false sense of security before striking against us again.”

“I _don’t_ trust her.” Clarke is quick to confirm, though this truth still hurts to admit, probably always will. “I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. But I do know that she didn’t need to do any of this if her plan was to turn against us all along.”

“I don’t know her that well.” Bellamy shakes his head and he won’t put up much of a fight, he knows her too well. He knows that she’s not backing down because he understands the need to keep everyone safe.

“We don’t need to. Lexa is a visionary and for what I’ve seen that’s a trait not many grounders posses.” Kane adds sorrowfully. “If she dies...”

“We’re doomed.” All turn around to see Abby sitting up on the bed, listening to their conversation.

“Mom, how are you feeling?” Clarke presses the back of her hand to her mother’s forehead in a caring manner to check on her and Abby can’t help to be attacked with flashes of a much younger Clarke playing doctor with Jake on their quarters in the Ark. But those times are long gone and Clarke is no longer a child.

“I’m fine.” She assures but Clarke presses on.

“Are you sure? Do you feel lightheaded? Maybe you should sleep for a little longer. Or are you hungry? There’s food, it’s lunch time anyway.”

“I’m fine, Clarke. I didn’t mean to scare you. I heard the rumors but I never thought they were true and it just - it hit me unexpectedly, that’s all. I’m fine, sweetie.”

“Mom, I - ”

“You can’t do this.” Abby cuts her off rather abruptly before she can even begin to try to make sense.

“That’s not an option, mom.” Clarke patiently says.

“Clarke, you can’t marry that _woman_.” The disgust in her mother’s tone leaves a bitter taste to unravel in Clarke’s mouth, and not only does it make her feel sick to her stomach but it also comes accompanied with a heavy pain that settles on her chest.

“I’m not asking for your permission. I have to do this.”

“You don’t have to do anything anymore. The Council can resolve this, you don’t need to sell yourself like this.”

“And what would the Council decide?” Clarke fires back, louder than her mother and more defensive than previously. “Go to war against a whole civilization we still know nothing about? Kill everyone who doesn’t bend to their will?”

“These people are hardly a civilization!”

“How dare you?” She asks through gritted teeth, hurt and ashamed at the same time that these words are coming out of her own mother. “Lexa is doing everything in her power to - ”

“She betrayed us, Clarke!” Abby cuts her off again. “That woman left us for dead and now you’re telling me to be fine with her marrying my only daughter? I am not selling you to achieve peace! I rather go to a thousand wars before that happens! An Alliance is one thing but this is not something I’m willing to even consider.”

The recognition of her mother’s response feels like a slap in the face. But of course her mother believes Clarke is being forced into this marriage, what other explanation could there be for Clarke to accept this? Because certainly war is not enough of an excuse.

This is how she knows Lexa is a better leader than the whole Council. This is how she understands, truly understands, because her mother isn’t thinking about the people of the Ark right now and that’s where her head should be. That’s where Clarke’s head has been all this time.

“I am not being forced into this.” She starts, the cold air making her shiver as it waves through the open window, hitting the dried tears on her cheeks and making shiver. “I know what’s at stake and I know what will be achieved. You are not selling me, I am not asking for your permission. I accepted to marry the Commander because she’s trying to help us, because I’ve seen her people react to our engagement and because you said it yourself, without Lexa we’re doomed. Do you really think anyone else will do the things she’s doing to keep us alive? Do you think they’ll care?”

“How can you be so naive?” Abby questions desperately. “This woman already killed us once.”

“Naive?” Clarke tears up and hates that these tears come so easily nowadys, without her permission. “There is no going back. This engagement is not something I can just back down from without facing consequences. Life or death consequences. No one can know this marriage is arranged or they’ll kill us. No one can know Lexa is trying to protect us by marrying me or they’ll kill us. No one can know anything about this or they’ll kill us. So for the sake of our lives and the survival of the Ark you can’t say anything about this.”

“Clarke.”

“No, mom. They’ll kill us first and ask questions later, while they choose their next Commander.”

“They surely won’t kill their own Commander.” Abby stresses out, as if Clarke is speaking only because she has a mouth and not because she’s seen firsthand how cruel and demanding the ground is.

“They will if they think she’s being weak.” Kane darkly fills in and Clarke’s stomach sinks a bit lower. “I’m sorry Abby but you’re going to need to wrap your mind around this and soon. The Commander will be here any minute and we need to prepare for the Summit, where we all need to look happy because I’ve also seen the people of Polis react to the news of this engagement and they glow in their Commander’s happiness. Clarke is right.”

“But this is not a real marriage.” Abby exclaims and stands up from the bed. “How could you let this happen?” She accuses Marcus. “Let my child get engaged with that - _that woman_.”

“Clarke made the decision by herself because she understands that we need this.” Kane regretfully fires back just as there is a knock on the door, that being the only warning before the doors are pushed apart and Leo walks inside. 

“Clarke Kom Skaikru and friends.” He nods as greeting, the hint of a smile pulling at the corners of his lips as he tilts his head up that instantly remind Clarke of Lexa.

“Leo, is everything alright?” She rushes to his side, just inside the room as the guards close the doors behind Lexa’s causin.

“All is well, Clarke. But I’m afraid the Commander won’t be able to be here like she planned. She’s sent me in her place to help you prepare for tonight.”

“Where is she?” Clarke carefully asks. There is a chance Lexa might have told Leo the real motive of the Summit but she won’t be the first to bring it up, and while that might be the case Clarke is still certain that he is convinced that this marriage is real.

“Stuck in a meeting, I’m afraid. Worry not, Clarke.” He hands her a small parchment then and hesitantly Clarke takes it, keeping eye contact while she enrolls it.

_Clarke. Meetings are running late, I’m sorry. Leo is trustworthy. I will try my best to see you before the Summit._

Lexa’s handwriting is graceful and confident, cursive, elegant and it makes Clarke’s insides flutter incomprehensible. How can this be the first time she’s seeing Lexa’s writing?

Leo smiles as she rolls the parchment again and holds onto it before slipping it in her pocket with care, handling it like a treasure. Little does Clarke realizes that Leo is not the only one staring intently at the way she chooses to react.

Thankfully, her mother and the rest of her friends school their features as Clarke introduces them to the Advisor and their political facades come out to play. This is how Clarke knows that they do care about the war, they care and they fear, but they are nowhere near to seeing Lexa’s predicament at the Mountain and they are not ready to forgive any time soon. She isn’t even sure if _she_ is ready to forgive. 

The hours drag on as Leo tells them what they can expect at the Summit and what will expected from them. He recites some lines for them to learn before helping Clarke rehearse her entry to the throne room and the show of respect the Ambassadors expect her to perform for Heda, which shocks them all.

“Can I have a moment alone with my daughter?” Abby interrupts him and Clarke is not blind to the way her mother is a second away from exploding because she feels the same way.

“Time is against us.” Leo smiles politely and as if on cue Mar enters the bedroom followed by Aisha and Mona. “The sun is almost down and Clarke needs to get ready. The Commander has arranged the floor below for guests. I’m certain you wish to get ready as well.”

“I just need a - ”

“Of course.” Kane cuts Abby off, sensing the tension as well. “We do. Please, lead the way.”

It doesn’t take much to notice the anger everyone is feeling in the room but Clarke still looks up, needing to see their expressions that almost match her own hate at what is required of her. Bellamy’s jaw is set, he looks ready to protest, his hand reaching to his waist where his gun is usually hoisted but that now is just an empty space.

“Did you know about this?” He asks conspiratorially and too close to her ear, Leo eyes him suspiciously.

“Yes, of course.” Clarke lies openly, smiling. “Lexa told me before.”

Kane does a fantastic job at keeping her mother in check while they leave the room after Leo, and Clarke smiles tightly before facing Bellamy again, who doesn’t look convinced at all.

“You used to lie better than that, princess.”

…

The hallways are alive with sounds, feet hurry up and down, doors open and close at a pair every few seconds. It’s almost time for the Summit and the Ambassadors are expected to arrive before the Commander. Clarke has been bathed, her hair done in intricate braids, she’s wearing warpaint around her eyes, not the same design that Lexa wears but as close as it can be, only thinner. She’s dressed in a dark yellow ceremonial gown that drags on the floor when she walks and a red sash -the same color of Lexa’s- wrapped around her waist and hanging down her right leg.

Leo said the sash is the Commander’s symbol, whoever wears it is entrusted by the spirit of the current Heda as well as the ones that came before her. The sash also means she is to be listened when Lexa is not present, she is to be protected and respected.

Beyond their traditions, Clarke knows that this piece of cloth is the sign Lexa needs everyone else to see on Clarke, on Wanheda, to let them know that she holds that power. This sash will let everyone know that the Commander of Death stands by the Commander of the Coalition and whoever chooses to defy her will face the wrath of them both.

The night they arrived on Polis Lexa spent hours talking to the Elders and only now does Clarke realize that they must have discussed all of this, every move Lexa is making was carefully planned that night and is being meticulously executed now.

And she wants to be angry, she wants to lash out for being kept in the dark about something that she was a fundamental part of but she is painfully aware that now is not the time. Lexa deliberately kept information to herself, surely because she knew that Clarke wouldn’t give in easily and Clarke can understand why the Commander would do that.

“It’s time.” Mar smiles, her reflection coming up beside Clarke’s on the full length mirror on the wall. She nods but takes a moment to retrieve the small parchment from her waist -where she stuck it in after changing- and runs her fingertips on the intricate writing of her name there. Lexa didn’t do this to hurt her, she didn’t do this out of spite. She was just trying to hold it back as long as she could because she knew Clarke wouldn’t be pleased.

…

A woman sings in Trigedasleng beyond the doors as Clarke breathes in deeply, trying to prepare herself to what’s to come on the other side of those double doors. She doesn’t understand the lyrics of the song but she recognizes its importance by the tone and reverence in the singer’s voice. Leo mentioned an Anthem used in the Summits, wrote by the first Commander, vows each warrior takes when they come of age.

The hallway is filled with guards, both grounders and from the Ark. It’s cold, colder than the previous night, the wind has a bite to it that Clarke hasn’t felt before but that it serves to keep her mind clear at least, though she feels anything but calmed. She’s nervous and angry, though she doesn’t want to be. Her fingers slip between her dress and the sash where Lexa’s message is safely tucked, and she reminds herself that this is not meant to humiliate her.

Her stomach flips when the knobs turn from the inside but she forces herself to breathe in slowly and she doesn’t feel ready or remotely calm, but she can surely pretend. To her right Devon offers her a supportive nod and she wants to smile, but there is no joy in her to incite it, his familiar face is comforting though.

Her feet don’t hesitate when she moves, she keeps her head held high, manages to keep her body straight and oozing confidence that she does not feel at all. Lexa stands on top of a small dais where her throne is located on top and she’s not wearing a coat, choosing to use her sash as a cloak tied around her neck, her warpaint framing her eyes, eyes that Clarke refuses to meet for the moment.

Clarke walks confidently along the red carpet -like Leo told her to- until she’s in front of the throne and it’s only when she stops moving that she looks up to meet Lexa’s stare and she feels sick by the amount of guilt and expectation she finds in those green eyes.

Suddenly, Lexa’s eyes are too important and Clarke needs to keep that contact as she drops to her knee in front of the Commander. Lexa lets out a breath, her lips falling apart just a bit and that’s all the reaction she allows herself to have before Clarke bows her head and feels an icy sensation fall down her back, covering her whole. This must be the most embarrassing act she’s ever performed but she endures it because she knows it’s necessary.

This way the Ambassadors and everyone else know that Wanheda submits to Heda. This is not Lexa’s doing and the one on her knees isn’t Clarke. This is necessary and she understands why the people need to see this.

But soon Clarke is not the only one on her knees, the Ambassadors follow her lead, bowing their heads, showing their respects and leaving the Skaikru no option but to do the same.

“Hail, warriors of the Twelve Clans.” Lexa’s voice carries out and Clarke knows is her cue to lift her head as do the rest of the room.

“Hail, Commander of the Blood.” The Ambassadors respond in sync and only now does Clarke notice the Advisors standing to the left side of the throne, the ridiculous amount of guards standing on every corner of the room and Lexa’s hand extending towards her.

“Rise.” Lexa orders and squeezes Clarke’s hand delicately when she takes it after only a moment’s hesitation, she guides her up the dais and Clarke takes her place by the Commander’s right side, where she belongs from now on.

“We welcome Skaikru to our halls in the spirit of friendship and harmony, and we welcome Clarke Kom Skaikru, Legendary Wanheda, Mountain Slayer as my betrothed.”

There is light laughter but big smiles, the energy that vibrates in the room is hard to ignore but Clarke’s body vibrates for a very different reason than this announcement. Lexa hasn’t let go of her hand and her thumb is still soothing Clarke’s with soft and intimate caresses that centers her more than she’s comfortable with admitting.

Through all the joy there is one person that stands out though, the only Ambassador that refuses to smile and stares intently at Clarke, angrily.

One by one, each Ambassador approaches the dais to deliver a gift that the Advisors are quick to receive in behalf of their Commander and her houmon. Leo mentioned to expect this as well, a token of their Clan as a gift delivered on this official announcement is a sign of their acceptance and joy, and support, something small before the one present they’ll receive on their wedding day.

Following Lexa’s line of sight, Clarke discovers a fidgety brunette woman with scars on her face who has yet to approach the dais to offer anything. Lastly and after a few moments of having everyone stare at her with matching judging frowns, the young woman walks closer with empty hands and without meaning to Clarke squeezes Lexa’s hand at recognizing this to be the Ambassador of the Ice Nation.

With hard eyes and a look of pure hatred sent at Clarke’s way, the woman takes off the large necklace she wears before bowing in front of the Commander and offering the necklace to Titus as her chosen token. He glares at the young woman and it doesn’t take much to realize the token is given in poor fashion, it’s attachment to the Ice Nation weak but Lexa accepts it politely before Ontari returns to her seat and she continues.

“The reason for this Summit has expanded. We are here to initiate the Skaikru into the Coalition as well.” The Commander announces and Clarke’s eyes stray towards her mother and friends. This is it, this is the whole purpose of her sacrifices. After this, her people won’t be alone anymore, this is the price she pays for their safety, for making them _belong_ and it’s worth it. 

The Ambassadors turn pensive and quiet, but after a few dead silent moments they smile again, nodding their approval of their Heda’s decision. But of course, if the Commander is marrying a Sky Person it’s only logical if they are made the Thirteenth Clan of her Coalition. Lexa has through this through to make it seem necessary and plausible.

Not being able to keep quiet anymore, Ontari steps to the center of the room defyingly, obviously ready to face consequences after speaking her mind, and while Clarke instantly panics, Lexa is ready for it.

“Ontari Kom Azgeda.” The Commander speaks first while moving to stand in front of Clarke subtly, her arm twisting to her back to keep holding her hand, her voice giving nothing away. “Are you ready to offer a proper explanation for the war horns you blew on the doors of our beloved Capitol?”

Lexa’s words stop Ontari on the spot, her eyes going wide as a general gasp is let out by the rest of the Ambassadors around her and every pair of eyes turn judging and distrustful as they stare at her.

“Heda, I ask you to reconsider - ” She starts but Lexa is not about to let her voice Nia’s thoughts in this room.

“Every Ambassador in this room knows that Polis is a safe ground and that includes you, _Senrona Kom Azgeda_.”

“I’ve explained, Heda.” Ontari repeats, though her eyes betray how insecure she’s feeling as the rest of the room scrutinize her where she stands. She wasn’t expecting Lexa to initiate the Skaikru tonight and she most definitely wasn’t expecting to be the only one against it.

“Your explanation falls flat, Ambassador. Everyone knows the meaning of war horns. You do not expect anyone in this room to be a fool, do you?”

“Of course not, Heda. My Queen and I hold nothing but respect for the Ambassadors of the Coalition and for you, Heda. And the Capitol, of course.”

“Then you understand why I could not deny them from knowing what happened yesterday afternoon.”

“I understand, Heda.”

The moment Ontari bows the rest of the Ambassadors look at Lexa with expectant eyes and clenched fists. Just like Lexa said before, no one is willing to let this slide.

“Return to your place, there are more important matters to discuss.” Ontari does as told and she’s submitted to the glares of every single person of the room again. The support her Queen gathered weeks prior is no longer there, not one of the Ambassadors is willing to go against Heda and Wanheda when they stand together but that is far from defeat. “The Ice Queen has until tomorrow to arrive on Polis and answer to us all in this room. A threat to the Capitol is a threat to all of us and it will not stand.”

Ontari is not a fool, there is a reason why Nia chose her as her Ambassador. Lexa knows this and though the Commander holds herself with incredible aloofness, Clarke can tell how tense Lexa is with the Ambassador’s presence. There is also silent rebellion in Ontari, a quiet storm brewing behind calculating eyes and rough posture.

The whole exchange makes Clarke wonder if there is more to the Ambassador than what Lexa told her. It’s clear that Ontari is deflated, almost humiliated by the whole ordeal. Perhaps she expected to have someone to back her up but just like Lexa explained to Clarke before, the Ambassadors have already taken a protective position towards her and by extension, her people as well.

Refusing to let anything bring down the festive mood, Lexa also returns to her throne, Clarke’s hand still grasped in her own as she assesses the room.

“To symbolize the union, the leader of Skaikru must bear our mark.” She continues as if Ontari’s interruption never happened in the first place. But while Abby and Kane exchange a few quick words Clarke can’t look away from Ontari, whose sore expression is fastly turning into anger.

With a soft squeeze to her hand Clarke realizes that Kane will take the mark, another aspect that Leo explained earlier and while her mother, as Chancellor of the Ark, should be the one to take the mark, Clarke is immensely grateful that Kane is the one who will bare it.

With Lexa’s confirmation one of the guards steps forward with the heated iron. “Present your arm.”

There is a moment, between the second that Kane steps forward and the second the guard receives Lexa’s order to proceed, when Clarke’s breath hitches and she fears something is going to prevent Kane from taking the mark and finally, finally _belong_. But that second passes and Kane takes the mark with dignified resistance and a soft hiss, and Clarke can breathe again.

It’s done and he steps forward to kneel before the throne and the Commander. There is not a moment when Kane stops looking proud of what they’re achieving, even when he has to bow and offer his most utter respect for the Heda, he knows that this is how they stop surviving and begin living.

“Until my soul is freed and the world turns to ashes, I am your soldier. My life is yours, my blood is yours. I am to serve you, Heda. I am loyal to this Coalition.” Kane recites the vows Leo taught them all and Lexa’s hand slips from Clarke’s to get down from the dais.

“As I am to serve you, Kane of the Sky people. The Coalition accepts and it’s loyal to the Skaikru from this day forward. Rise.”

A small smile rips through Clarke’s lips, though it feels too good to be true, the moment seems too fragile, like it could slip through her fingers if she unclenches her fists for a second.

She allows herself to look at her friends, who don’t smile but can’t really hide the relief showing from their expressions, and her mother who despite her previous complaints and disagreement, looks just as relieved. Her eyes fall on Kane next and he smiles without holding back as Lexa grasps his forearm when he stands, which gives Clarke new hope because even after a lifetime of wrong chosen leaders, it’s obvious that they haven’t made a mistake with Marcus Kane.

Each Ambassador takes a turn to pledge their loyalty to the Skaikru right after and the moment Lexa turns Clarke can’t keep the gratitude from showing in her eyes.

…

Ontari is escorted back to her room immediately after Titus announces the end of the Summit without having the chance to speak to anyone. Tomorrow will be a very busy day with meetings scheduled from very early in the morning into late afternoon, all focused on entering the Skaikru into the trading routes and try to find a way to mix educational and health technics as well.

It isn’t until the throne room is free of Ambassadors and onlookers that Clarke realizes the analytic look in Lexa’s eyes as she dismisses her Advisors for the night. There is definitely something important that kept Lexa away all day and it involves her Advisors and Ontari, but there are still too many blind spots for Clarke to even attempt to guess what it can be.

Clarke observes in silence and nods politely as the Advisors leave the room one by one, but it’s not until they’re completely alone that Lexa turns to face her.

“There is something that you’re not telling me.” Clarke blurts out and Lexa takes a deep breath, hands clasped behind her back and nervous looking.

“There is.” The Commander nods, looking worried but honest. “I will tell you all about it later in our bedroom.”

Clarke has known it as their bedroom since last night but hearing Lexa acknowledge it as such out loud gives it a different meaning, somehow it feels more real, almost tangible, this commitment they’re taking to each other and not only their people.

Looking down, she sees herself kneeling for Lexa in a room full of people and she feels embarrassed, put down and small. Even though she understands, she accepts it.

“Is it about my people?” She asks, her eyes finding Lexa again as the sudden shame gives her courage to stand her ground.

“Our people.” Lexa corrects her, the ghost of a private smile playing on her lips and taking deep breaths as if the air itself is stubbornly refusing to reach her lungs. And she looks so beautiful that it takes a moment for Clarke to realize how dangerous it is to look at that face, look deep into those eyes or stare at those lips.

“If you betray me again - ” She threatens, feeling slightly more affronted. She needs to keep her head clear of _Lexa_ when her people is concerned.

“I won’t.” Lexa cuts her off, softly and firm. But there is something in her eyes, a certain softness Clarke hasn’t seen before and that makes Lexa even more breathless.

Slowly and so incredibly vulnerably Lexa kneels before her mimicking Clarke’s actions from before, only this time the room is empty besides the two of them and the air is thick, nothing else exists.

Those green eyes look up at her openly, making her heart constrict and beat a thousand times faster. Those _damn_ green eyes that hold so much faith, so much guilt, so much vulnerability as they stare up at Clarke speaking languages she isn’t sure she can understand but wants to.

“I swear fealty to you, Clarke Kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people.”

Lexa didn’t do this to humiliate her and now Clarke has the confirmation. But Lexa is still trying to even everything up, even though she’s certain that Clarke understands the motives behind her bowing and since she can’t do this in a room full of people, she’s doing something that no Commander has ever done only for Clarke to see and treasure.

Clarke stares in wonder as Lexa takes yet another deep breath and waits, exposed as she gives her the upper hand. This is the moment Clarke isn’t sure if she’s strong enough to keep her emotions in check anymore because the abrupt need to kiss Lexa is almost overwhelming. But she reaches out, hand trembling and body boozing alive, to help Lexa on her feet because that’s where they belong, neither one of them is more or less, not anymore.

“Thank you.” She says, her hand gripping Lexa’s a bit tighter than necessary, eyes wet because apparently now she can’t experience anything remotely good or bad without the need to cry.

“Thank _you_.” Lexa insists, her free hand reaching for Clarke’s free one as well and the action is so natural that neither one of them even notice it happening. Clarke tries to laugh away her tears and takes a deep breath.

“I think we just got married.” She jokes and to her surprise Lexa lets out a shaky laugh too. It’s only when Clarke realizes this is the first time she’s listening to Lexa’s laugh that she understands how the artists from the old world drew inspiration for their art, when the need to draw arises within her.

“Our weddings are much louder than this.” Lexa smiles softly, still feeling a bit more vulnerable than she’s used to. “Our wedding in particular will be the loudest and biggest our people has seen in years. It will be remembered by generations to come.”

In a blink Clarke notices their hands, how close they’re standing and how normal it feels, and it scares her because every time something feels good, like it could last or be the reason for a little bit of happiness something happens and all that hope is taken away.

“We’ll survive this, right?” She asks with a small voice, suddenly feeling more insecure.

“We will.” Lexa vows and it doesn’t sound arrogant, it sounds like a promise.

…

 _Senrona_ = Ambassador

 


	15. The Plan

**CHAPTER 15**

...

There are many things Clarke still doesn’t understand about the ground and the people who managed to survive after the bombs, the life that despite the odds has prevailed but there is one thing that she has surely learnt thanks to the freshly bathed woman sitting in front of her, on the other side of the table. Lexa has taught her that in order to survive she needs more than one face to present herself to the outside world. 

Clarke has seen a few of the faces Lexa needs to wear depending of the situation she finds herself in but neither one of them comes close to the one she wears when is only the two of them in the room. The Lexa that Clarke sees every time they’re alone is stripped bare from all the walls the Commander protects herself behind and only now is Clarke realizing how incredibly lucky she is to have seen this precious face and she wants to help protect it.

The moment they returned to their bedroom it became apparent how exhausted Lexa has been during the Summit, where she presented herself with nothing but strength and sharpness, like she was expected to, but as soon as the door was closed behind their backs Clarke noticed the dark bags under her eyes and the slump of her shoulders, the slight but present drag of her feet. She immediately ordered a bath to be drawn and food to be brought for Lexa, and even managed to suppress the urge to send Aisha on her way before she helped wash Lexa’s hair.

However, after Lexa ate and she began telling Clarke about the Prince of Azgeda it became obvious that neither one of them was going to be resting anytime soon. They spoke for hours, Lexa answering her questions with heavy eyelids and regretful eyes that just kept dropping. They kept going back and forth, with Lexa even asking for her input regarding her next move, which was by far the most dangerous she’d be making and Clarke knew it was crucial to do it fast.

Now Clarke lies awake in bed knowing that she’s alone in the room and wondering where Lexa might have gone to so early in the morning and trying to recall exactly how she ended up in bed. The last thing she remembers is being on the couch and helping Lexa settle in for a few hours of sleep but somewhere between sitting there and talking she must have fallen asleep and Lexa must have carried her to the bed.

All the revelations she learnt have left a bitter taste in her mouth and a bizarre feeling on her stomach that just won’t go away. She’s angry that the Ice Queen is using her mere existence as a weapon that could be used against Lexa, confused as to why the Ice Nation cares little about traditions when the rest of the Clans are so respectful towards them, but most of all Clarke is scared. Terrified because there is something about Nia that they don’t know and that is big enough to have her people willing to betray every tradition known on the ground.

And although tradition prevents Nia from touching Clarke without asking for a war against her Clan, Clarke knows that there is still possibility in Nia’s plan while the wedding hasn’t taken place yet. She stole one bride from Lexa once before, what stops her from doing it again?

If something were to happen to Clarke now by the hands of the Queen, the Clans will be angry, the people will want blood because tradition demands it but if Nia claims to have gained the power of Wanheda after killing Clarke with her bare hands what stops the Clans from submitting to her, also tied by their beliefs and their personal fear. According to Lexa, her place as Commander will be put to the test and a public challenge ensued to prove her worthy and that is a possibility that Clarke can’t allow herself to linger on about.

The only idea of Lexa having to fight to the death to keep her Commander status is more terrifying than thinking about her own death at the hands of the Queen and it hurts just as bad as the thought of her people being erased from existence does. 

She didn’t understand until now just how hard Lexa’s been trying to keep them both alive. Clarke being alive means that Lexa’s heart keeps beating and neither can continue to do so without the other. This is how much they need each other.

She pushes the furs to the middle of the bed to create an alibi just as the three maidens from the day before enter the room and she’s thrown into the routine of being taken care of. She is bathed, dressed in warm clothes that now must include the red sash around her waist at all times, her hair is braided but she can’t bring herself to eat anything, no matter how hard the maidens insist.

Running her hands down her light green dress, Clarke paces back and forth as the girls leave the room, the food left untouched on the table. She’s too nervous, too preoccupied about the plan, about Lexa, about her mother and her friends.

Lexa has ordered a small army to take residence close to Camp Jaha as a precaution but the fear is there, that uncertainty that they might or might not be attacked is present. Indra and Octavia must be aware of what’s going on by now, Amada has entrusted the mission to her second herself and Clarke finds herself trusting at the woman just as fervently as Lexa seems to do.

The plan. The plan must already be into action and Lexa isn't in the room. The plan is dangerous and close friends are risking their lives with it, and Lexa has left their room before the sun even came out.

Stepping towards the balcony, she breathes in the cold air deeply and allows it to cleans some of the worry away. Bad news travels fast and she hasn’t heard anything yet, and that is the only comfort she gives herself as she waits for anyone to come in and give her something.

The minutes seems to drag on and her conversation with Raven from yesterday comes back to haunt her. She is tired of fighting against her feelings, it’s not worth it to fight against something that she has no control over. It’s not like Clarke asked to fall in love with anyone, she’s not sure she even wants this, whatever it is, whatever they could have. But Lexa feels inevitable, no matter how much is going on around them, no matter how hard Clarke tried to hate her, no matter how the odds seem to be determined to pin them in the middle of war.

Clarke loves Lexa and that is no longer up for debate. The last couple of days have been eye opening and Clarke wants to keep the blindfold away from her. Lexa is still a mystery but Clarke is beginning to understand her, to get that Lexa doesn’t always speak with words and her actions are too valuable anyway to try and defy them with a few simple words.

The last thing Clarke wants to do is assume though, and while Lexa might care for her that still doesn’t mean that the Commander feels the same way. Would Lexa even have time to think about feelings with everything that’s going on? Does Clarke?

The door creaking open pulls her out from her thoughts and Lexa steps inside their room with a neutral expression, calmed demeanor but tensed shoulders. Clarke hurries to her side, though she stops a few feet away abruptly. She was just about to reach out for Lexa’s hand but there is not an audience to fool, they’re alone and she doesn’t know how Lexa would react if she were to touch her now.

“Lexa?” She can’t bring herself to say anything else.

“Everything is well, Clarke.” Lexa quickly reassures, hands busy unbuttoning her wet coat from the rain, indicating that she was outside of the Tower already.

“Where were you?” The question blubbers out of her mouth before Clarke can even think about it. Lexa quirks an eyebrow at her direction on her way to the closet but answers nonetheless.

“I went to see Amada at first light. I needed to talk to her before she left.” Clarke’s eyes follow Lexa’s hands and watches longingly as the coat slips from taut shoulders and down a strong back before it it falls swiftly to the floor. When she looks back up she’s met with bare strong arms again, firm muscles contracting and jumping, skin tight and sun kissed.

“Clarke?” Mouth suddenly dry, Clarke swallows thickly as she looks up to meet Lexa’s amused, somehow knowing eyes. She can’t be that easy to read, can she?

“You dropped your forehead piece.” Lexa’s smile disappears as she touches between her eyes to check for herself as Clarke bends down to pick up the small piece from the ground.

“It rarely happens.” Lexa says as Clarke coats the back of the piece with the liquid she’s seen the maidens use to glue it to the Commander’s forehead.

“The rain must have washed away the glue.” Clarke replies, stepping into Lexa’s personal space and tiptoes to push the piece just in the right place.

“It must have.” Lexa whispers back, breath hot and cracked against Clarke’s neck. Clarke’s hand on her cheek suddenly stills as she realizes how close she’s pushed herself to the Commander and how intimate of a position she’s created with such an innocent task.

With one last tug on the forehead piece Clarke tries to breathe through her nose steadily but the truth is that Lexa, Lexa is everywhere, Lexa’s hands hover just an inch above her hips, Lexa is breathless, Lexa’s eyes are staring intently at Clarke’s lips and Lexa’s lips are parted just slightly, and Clarke really wants to close that distance and kiss those lips.

She pulls back instead, careful to not jump out of Lexa’s personal space like she wants to do but fast enough to kill the immense impulse to kiss her betrothed.

“I’m sorry, I - ”

“Don’t be.” Lexa cuts her off delicately, eyes suddenly sad, breathing going back to normal. “We should get going. I’ll be with you through the morning meetings.”

“I thought you had a meeting with Titus?” Clarke asks confusedly, still flushed but recalling clearly their conversations from the night before. Lexa’s morning was just as busy as hers was as long as she remembers.

“I went to see him earlier as well. I cleared my morning. I’m staying by your side until this is over.” There is a tone to Lexa’s voice that Clarke has heard on few occasions directed towards her, is a tone that leaves little room for argument, a determined one that Clarke instantly recognizes as the _Commander_ ’s tone. Lexa’s eyes speak though, they speak the words she’s learnt to keep to herself and she begs Clarke to let her do this.

Clarke is terrified that _this_ will never be over because it has never been over since the first day she walked on earth, but Lexa is here and this time she’s not alone, she’s not bumping heads with anyone, they’re on the same page and no matter how much Clarke still distrusts her, having her there is comforting because Lexa is confident but fearful, she’s careful. 

...

When they walk out, Lexa’s hand taking residence on the small of her back, the first thing Clarke sees is Nathan poised outside of her door, opposite Ando.

“You look pissed.” He smirks as she looks for answers in Lexa’s eyes. They agreed to keep her friends and family close the night before but she never thought that meant to use said friends as personal guards.

“Just tired.” She smiles back, still trying to get Lexa too look at her. “What is he doing here?”

“Nathan came to me earlier with the desire to join the guard. I figured you’d want him close.” The hand on her back hovers now and Clarke can practically feel Lexa’s nervousness.

“Doesn’t he need training for that?” She admonishes lightly, playfully and Lexa’s eyes swim with relief, though her face remains as impassive as always.

“Practice is required. I’ve already arranged for him to train with Amada after his shift is over.”

“Get ready to get your ass kicked.” Clarke teases him, doing a fast job at taking in the large coat he’s wearing and the gun strapped to the waist of his pants, but what caughts her attention the most is the spear on his right hand and the tiny satisfied smirk on his lips. He’s happy to be here and she can’t help but share his joy.

“I was born ready.” He cockily replies and Lexa with all six guards huff, not able to contain themselves. Clarke catches Ando’s smirking face and bright brown eyes, and pressing into the hand on her back she smiles back.

“We’ll see about that, Nathan of the Sky People.” Lexa challenges and as Clarke shares an amused smile with Nathan, letting Lexa’s soft laugh fill her ears and with Ando’s innocent grin still in her eyes, she forgets.

She forgets the reason why Lexa refuses to leave her side today, she forgets why there are six guards just outside their bedroom and probably a dozen more hidden in the shadows close, she forgets that Ontari is one floor below, she forgets that Nia has infiltrated Lexa’s table, she forgets that she is terrified.

…

Lexa guides her to the elevator where they ride only with Nathan, Ando and Devon, to the kitchen floor and if she had the piece of mind to argue she completely would, besides Lexa might not have eaten breakfast either, she could be going simply because she’s hungry.

Seven children are seated around a large table and they all stand up when Lexa and Clarke walk through the doors, bending to their waist to offer a reverence to their presence and Clarke recognizes them as Lexa’s Novitiates. The children are solemn and respectful, though their attitude is too familiar that she finds it endearing. If Lexa ever had children, Clarke guesses this is what they’d probably behave like, just like her. 

“Good morning, _Natblida_.” Lexa greets them and then proceeds to pull a chair back and wait for Clarke to take a seat before she moves to the head of the table. Underneath the table Clarke subconsciously reaches out, needing to keep some sort of contact with the other woman and resting her hand on Lexa’s knee. When she realizes what she’s done Lexa’s eyes are already staring at her, wide and hopeful, and Clarke decides to leave her hand where it is. She’ll think about it later, when they’re not surrounded by seven curious children.

The children look at Lexa with a certain sense of awe in their eyes that Clarke instantly feels connected to because she has lost count of the times she’s also found herself staring at Lexa wondering if she’s even real. The Novitiates love Lexa and Clarke finds that love incredibly endearing because despite the legacy they represent it proves that they’re still kids and Lexa is the maternal figure they yearn.

Was this Lexa at the age of eleven? Did she sit in front of the Commander and listened to her talks? Did she look at her they way they are looking at Lexa now? 

These are children but Clarke would be a fool to underestimate them and she is aware. She knows how hard grounders can be when training and she saw the blond boy spar with Lexa two days ago, and he could easily take any of the Arkers down in a minute, herself included.

Will this be their everyday life when the war is over? Clarke sitting by Lexa’s side as they have breakfast with the Novitiates? Will she sit later and hear Lexa teach them how to be a good Commander and will she sit on the Training Square to watch her spar with each of them individually, maybe they could even teach Clarke a thing or two about holding a sword or taking a punch. 

Lexa hand is suddenly on top of hers on her knee and squeezing gently, and Clarke really shouldn’t feel as comfortable as she does but there is no denying that holding Lexa’s hand is the safest she’s felt this morning, and thinking about the future they could have after the war is over isn’t really that scary.

The maidens serve the food swiftly but the children watch Lexa and they pay attention at the way their Commander and mentor holds Clarke’s hand on top of the table now, her thumb softly caressing the back of her palm and their prideful stares make Clarke’s chest flutter with newfound affection, though her eyes keep straying to the blond boy with attentive eyes, so alike Lexa’s own.

“His name is Aden.” Lexa whispers close to her ear and picks up her fork. Clarke shakes her head, the beginning of a question on her lips but she stays quiet at realizing that Lexa has been observing her watch him.

“I saw you spar with him.” Her voice is soft as she stares around the table and sees the children pick up their forks only after Lexa has done hers, and then they wait until the Commander has put something on her mouth before doing the same. These are all signs of respect, of their discipline and this is how Clarke knows one of them will be a great Commander one day.

“I spar with all of them.” Lexa explains and while her tone is gentle, familiar and so very soft, Clarke still recognizes the firmness in it and she comprehends that while Lexa’s tenderness for these children is real, she can’t allow herself to become too attached because she must be a teacher first. They need her to be a teacher first.

“Even he?” Clarke asks eying the shortest one of the boys and smiles kindly, her heart ricocheting inside of her chest when the little boy smiles back, eyes squinting almost shut, front two teeth missing and genuine, blushing cheeks but puffed out chest.

“Nik is great with a knife and his speed is impressive. Don’t be fooled by his size” Nik’s chest swells even fuller with Lexa’s words and it only serves to endear Clarke farther. And what impresses her the most is the way the rest of them react to Lexa’s praise of Nik, instead of jealousy or envy there is pure pride in their eyes and she can’t help to feel proud of Lexa because these are her teachings, she’s made of them incredible human beings first and foremost.

“I’ll have to see that one of these days.”

“You can come and see us train when you have the time.” Aden extends the invitation shyly and blinking a little too much, and Clarke’s mind takes her back to the Mountain when Lexa invited her to come to Polis because this kid somehow is the spitting image of Lexa even though they don’t really look alike physically.

“I’d like that.” She smiles despite the fresh memory revolving in her mind and at Aden’s smile -a quirk twist of his lips favoring the right corner of his mouth- her stomach does this funny thing inside of her and she wonders if it’s possible that she just fell in love with this twelve year old kid.

“We train in the mornings before Advisor Titus takes us away.” He informs her, making sure she knows the time when she comes to visit.

“And after training where will I find you?” She asks, genuinely curious.

“In class.” Lexa answers and Aden goes back to his meal. “Training their brains just as hard as their bodies.”

“I can agree with that.”

For the first time in so long Clarke wishes she had a white blank page and a pencil with her to paint this moment and save it for herself. This is a face she already knew in Lexa and that she discovered the day they visited the orphanage, and it’s still her favorite one to look at.

…

There are three meetings scheduled in the morning and two in the afternoon concerning the Skaikru and Clarke wants to be present in all of them, though her presence is not required since she is not her people’s Ambassadors. Her mother, Raven and Kane are already waiting for her on the bottom floor but when they see Lexa walking next to her their eyes study their surroundings at once. Clarke knows there are too many guards, too many watchful eyes and thankfully her mother isn’t foolish enough to start anything she can’t win. Lexa is polite but unwavering, her hand is pressed to the small of her back and not even Abby’s glare is able to dissuade her from moving it. Less than eager to speak with her mother Clarke is glad to stay by Lexa’s side as well.

They arrive at Margot’s Station first and talks about harvest and trading begin almost immediately. Clarke hears her mom and Kane talking back and forth, agreeing and disagreeing with the Advisor with speed but her mind is simply not there with them, and by the look on Lexa’s face neither is hers, though she tries hard to pretend that it is.

The purpose of these meetings is basically to find a balance between the things the Skaikru can provide for the Clans and vice versa, and while technically Lexa is to be informed of the agreements they reach she doesn’t necessarily need to be present for the negotiations. But being out of the Tower this morning is crucial for their plan.

They’ll need much food and a lot of help surviving the winter but Margot is positive that she can provide them with what they need until they can learn how to properly work the land they’re living on. The only time Lexa opens her mouth is to remind her Advisor that the Skaikru medicine is more advanced than their own and that is just as important as food and clothes.

Raven speaks of a greenhouse she could put into motion during the winter and it spikes Margot’s interest at once as does Lexa’s, who immediately offers two farmers from the Capitol to make the trip back to Camp Jaha with them to provide any help they can with this project. By the end of the meeting there is an open trading line that includes Camp Jaha and the assurance that they won’t be left alone during the winter or any other season of the year.

When they walk outside Clarke and Lexa look up at the Tower at the same time but nothing seems out place, not that it would from so far away either.

…

Leo’s desk is filled with maps and letters, which he goes through with ease to find the one he’s been planning to show them. An organized mess, Clarke thinks as he unrolls it with a complice smile thrown her way. He plans to grant Camp Jaha with a few hectares to reap some harvest of their own once the winter has passed. His purpose is to see them grow and become a self-sustainable Clan at some point and Kane’s smile couldn’t get bigger even if he tried.

Lexa is pleased with this plan and assures Kane that Indra won’t be opposed in surrendering some land even though their Ark is located in Trikru territory. Leo goes on to discuss their production processes, how they manage to create goods that are needed for survival and everyday life and how the raw material is provided by each Clan. Clothes, furs, food, furniture, glass. And he invites the Skaikru to provide something as unique for the Coalition and this opens the discussion of Mount Weather that leaves not only Lexa shocked but every single person in the room as well.

“You wish to return to the Mountain?” Her question is directed at Raven, who is the one who brought it up. Sensing the growing tension in the Commander, Clarke reaches out and places her hand on Lexa’s forearm softly, as to not startle her but confused eyes turn to her at once.

“The Mountain has a lot of medicine inside. A lot of machines that we can use to save a life.” She explains, willing herself to not be intimidated by Lexa’s piercing glare.

“Machines and medicine that only your people understand.” Lexa speaks softly but Clarke can see the anger swimming just beneath the surface of those green dangerous eyes.

“Our Medical Bay was damaged when the Ark came down. Most of the supplies were destroyed, the machines will take too long to repair and Mount Weather holds the means to provide us with what we need.” Clarke explains and squeezes Lexa’s arms gently.

“If we could only make a few trips to collect what is salvageable.” Kane interferes and without breaking eye contact with Clarke, Lexa takes her hand instead, squeezes and holds on tight. She’s looking for support and Clarke wants to reassure her but she’s not sure how much she can say in front of the guards or even Leo himself.

“We’ll need to call for a Summit to consult this.” Lexa says, giving a second soft squeeze to Clarke’s hand and holding back her breath when Clarke covers their joined hands with her free one. Maybe she just needs this and Clarke can give her this.

“We can save many lives with their resources. This can be our unique collaboration, our knowledge in medicine.” Clarke tries, aware that the Mountain is a touchy subject for both of them and she is not particularly eager to return there and she will avoid it until her last breath. The last thing she wants is go back to a place that was so full of life once and find it deserted and cold, and knowing that she is the one who turned that way.

But Lexa has lost so many to the Mountain, more than the Arkers ever did or ever could have. The Mountain is the reason why Lexa and Leo had to grow up without a father, without a proper family and if she goes back she knows that Lexa will follow her and she doesn’t need to see the proof of the Mountain’s cruelty. Clarke doesn’t _want_ her to see exactly how her people were tortured to death on daily basis.

“I understand.” Lexa nods and her eyes suggest that she does, but Clarke still feels the need to reassure her more though the feeling clashes with the remorse of what happened at the Mountain.

“We can build a Medical Center to provide care for whoever seeks it and we can be prepared for an emergency, we can be reliable. We wouldn’t need to enter the Mountain ever again after we take what we need. We can fuse our healing methods in one single place and we can learn from each other in a different level. This could be a good thing.”

Lexa is quiet for a long while, her eyes trained on Clarke’s as she thinks about what she just said, her hand still between hers and her spine stiff, and all Clarke wants is to run her hands down Lexa’s shoulders and alleviate the tension accumulated there. Lexa isn’t doubting the idea of this Medical Center, Clarke knows her better than that, she’s a leader to her people after all. What Lexa is doubting is the Arkers with the freedom to make trips in and out of the Mountain, taking technology that her people have no way of understanding and using it.

“Leo will be in charge of the construction of this Facility. He will verify the use and purpose of each machine the Skaikru retrieves from the Mountain and he will have to consult the Coalition Ambassadors before each of these trips takes place. This is not a permission, the Ambassadors still need to vote on it.”

The Commander waits for Clarke’s affirmative nod before she turns her eyes towards Abby and Kane, who also bob their heads despite looking sore at the lack of confidence. They still are too ambiguous with trusting the Commander, so why would she be any less dubious about trusting them?

“So, if the others leaders say no to this, the Mountain will be destroyed with everything inside?” Raven inquires a bit roughly, not willing to give up on so many resources that they can use to survive.

“My understanding of the Mountain is limited, however, yours is not.” Lexa speaks, her eyes now trained on Raven. “I want our people to thrive and if the Mountain’s resources can help with that, then I trust that you can make it happen.”

“Wait, what are you saying?” Raven blinks confusedly and she’s not the only one. Clarke squeezes Lexa’s hand again but she doesn’t look back.

“I would like to appoint you to work directly with Leo in the retrieve of the Mountain’s tech.”

Raven is stunned for a moment, not sure if she can deny her services or not but after a pointed look by Kane she nods stiffly. Lexa eyes the door pointedly, as if she can hear something Clarke can’t but when her eyes turn to her she is calmed, though a bit anxious.

The meeting continues with Abby listing the things they’d need to retrieve from the Mountain and then progresses to Raven explaining how they’d use the Mountain’s energy generators to make it work but Clarke is stuck watching Lexa’s profile as the talks continue around them. She can see why Lexa would choose Leo to overlook the Skaikru and the Mountain, she trusts him more than the rest of her Advisors but choosing Raven specifically to go with him also becomes clear after a few minutes of contemplation. Raven is one of the few that were tortured in that place but survived, and she’d have no desire to remain in the Mountain for longer than necessary, despite her early allegations and eagerness to retrieve their technology.

At the end they agree is best for the Medical Facility to be built close to Camp Japa and Abby makes a compromise to hold teaching classes for the Clans’ healers and even the use of the machines.

…

The meeting with Luca is by far Clarke’s favorite but is also the fastest to come and go. Although Luca is a hard faced guy, he is gentle with his words and crystal clear with his intentions. He looks for a merging of their teaching methods and most of all he looks for other teachers to help him keep the place afloat since the other Clans are more interested in raising warriors and offering a capable man or woman to his orphanage is not something they’re willing to do. Kane is glad to offer the help he requires and offers to send a group of volunteers the soonest he can.

Lexa looks longingly down the corridors when they’re leaving and the children don’t come out but her disappointment is only there for Clarke to see for only a second before they ready to leave.

…

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed your heart eyes.” Raven remarks as she steps up to walk by her side while Lexa exchanges a few words with Ando and Devon a few feet ahead. They’re almost at the Tower and Clarke knows that something will be different when they enter, just like she knows that Raven has been waiting for the chance to talk to her all morning but Lexa hasn’t left her side until only a few seconds ago.

“What?” She asks confusedly, distracted and trying to wipe the sweat of her palms on her thighs discretely. The plan, the plan must be in motion and she’s sick worried about Bellamy and Harper.

“Heart eyes? As in you are totally in love with the Commander.” Raven says with a shrug of her shoulders and Clarke stops walking all together, making everyone around her stop as well. Raven couldn’t have picked a worst time to brought this up but here she is, while all Clarke can think of is that they’re already keeping too much information from her mother and Kane, and Raven as it is.

“What is it?” Lexa is by her side instantly, worried eyes trying to read an answer in her expression but coming out short.

“I’m - I’m fine.” She replies, her eyes glued to Raven’s knowing smirk. “I just need to talk to Raven for a second.” Lexa’s eyes stray to Raven for a second longer than necessary but she nods, moving to strike a conversation with Kane instead and giving them space.

“Heart eyes.” Raven repeats, forefinger extended towards Clarke’s face but the smirk on her lips slowly washes away as they pick up their walk slower than before. The guards moving at their pace. “Listen Clarke, I’m gonna say a couple of things and I need you to listen, alright?”

Taken aback and feeling like her stomach is about to fall out of her body, all Clarke can do in response is nod and look over her shoulder where Lexa is staring right back while maintaining a conversation with Kane and her mother.

“I was rushed and unfair to you.” Raven begins, her voice lower, only meant for Clarke’s ears. “I still hurt because of Finn and the idea that you got over him so fast angers me because I know that you didn’t really love him, not the way he loved you.”

“Raven, I - ” Clarke tries but she snaps her mouth shut and makes sure that they’re not being heard instead. She can’t continue to apologize for what happened to Finn, she can’t apologize for something she didn’t know. She never wanted to hurt Raven, she didn’t know the person she trusted and found solace in -when there was so much death, so much devastation around all the time- had someone to fall back into. She fell into Finn’s arms without expecting someone else to get hurt and she didn’t know.

“I’m not blaming you, Clarke. But a part of me is angry, it might always be angry and while the sane part of my brain is telling me that you are not guilty, the not so sane part screams at me that you are the only one I can blame. And I know, trust me, I know that I should learn how to let go of those feelings and I’m trying. It’s just gonna take awhile for me to get there.”

“I’m not saying that you have to bare with me until I get there, that’s absurd. Kick me if you have to but know that I’ll be here.” Raven frowns but Clarke allows her a moment to collect her thoughts before she continues. “I appreciate you, Clarke. I’m thankful for what you did and I know you feel guilty as hell for what happened at the Mountain but you should know that we are thankful. _I_ am thankful for you.”

She doesn’t notice the tears rolling down her cheeks until Raven attempts to wipe them away but stops herself right before her fingertips touch Clarke’s skin. It always comes back to the Mountain.

“And what you’re doing now.” Raven whispers close to her ear as they round the corner that puts the Tower right in front of them. “I know how much it sucks and I won’t stand here and pretend to know how hard it is for you but I should have been here for you instead of throwing all my misplaced rage your way. I was an idiot, I still am actually.”

“I can take your rage, Raven, and it’s not all misplaced.” Clarke smiles wetly and wipes away her tears with the back of her hand subtly.

“I know you can.” Raven bumps their shoulders. “It doesn’t mean you should. Anyway, I guess what all my rambling was building up to is, I’m here for you and I’m sorry I’m an ass when I get scared. I know there’s more to you and Lexa than we all know.”

“Raven.” There’s urgency in Clarke’s eyes that Raven instantly sympathizes with. That fear of falling without knowing if someone is going to be waiting to catch you is terrifying and she can see it in her friend’s eyes so clearly.

“I don’t trust her and I know you don’t either, but you’d have to be blind to not see that there’s something especial between the two of you. And you deserve to be looked like that, Clarke.”

“Like what?” Clarke asks, despite knowing that her curious question is nothing but an affirmation to everything that Raven just said.

“Like you are the stars.”

…

Titus is waiting for them by the front doors and his furrowed forehead is too pronounced to mean nothing but trouble. Clarke knows that Lexa chose to keep their plan from him deliberately but she doesn’t know the reason why.

He is quick to whisper in Lexa’s ear and Clarke sees the tension in her shoulders rising, blooming and taking a residence there. Her heartbeat picks up when Lexa’s eyes meet hers and nods tightly towards Titus before barking out instructions in Trigedasleng to the guards around them.

“The Ice Queen has arrived.” Lexa informs them and the words are enough to freeze Clarke on the spot just outside the Tower.

**…**

_Natblida =_ Black Blood

 

 

 

 


	16. The face you show

**CHAPTER 16**

…

Bellamy shifts carefully to the side, trying to avoid his right leg from falling asleep and stretches the limb as far as he can in the confined space he’s hiding. He winces, his elbows are holding all his weight and who is he kidding, he can barely feel his legs anymore. He’s been in the ventilation system for more than an hour and Ontari has yet to leave her room, and no one seems to be coming to her either.

That doesn’t mean no one is waiting though and he needs to be sharp when the traitor shows up, and he will, Bellamy knows that the traitor won’t get a finer moment to contact Ontari than this one. The dozens of guards that usually stand post in every inch of the Tower have followed Clarke to the meetings and her protection is known by everyone, and every Ambassador and citizen of Polis agree that her safety is of the utmost importance.

With the Tower free of those guards and Ontari still in her room under Lexa’s specific orders, the informant won’t even suspect of a hidden plan to catch him.  Lexa is an excellent planner, he’ll give her that. When the Commander let him on this plan he instantly knew that it could work and it also made him notice that her concern for Clarke’s safety is real. There was something in the way she spoke to him, a tell in her choice of words that left it clear that she is not willing to lose Clarke even if that meant fighting this war and the ones that follow.  However, there is no way to know if the informant will speak with the truth or not, though they’ll speak, Bellamy and the Prince of Azgeda will make sure of it.

Myra must already be in Ton DC, gathering the army Lexa ordered to be called as a precaution and Octavia will be on the front line of that army, he just knows it and though he worries, he can’t help to feel proud of her.

Maybe without the informant this Ice Queen person will back down, maybe there’s still a way to avoid war, despite what Lexa seems to believe. Or maybe he’s just trying to fool himself into trusting that peace can be possible, even after all they’ve been through.

But he is just so tired of living in fear, of being pushed against a corner and kill or be killed. There has to be something more, life on earth can’t be just about survival. He just needs a little more time to figure out what that is.

Another hour passes with no change but just when the third round of numbness on his legs strikes he sees someone walking down the hallway towards Ontari’s room. His heart rate picks up, he forgets his numb limbs and he focuses on seeing a face, but whoever is coming to see Ontari is wearing a cloak and the hood is covering most of their face. Whoever it is, they’re quick and they have access to the key of Ontari’s door.

“They’re in.” He speaks on the radio and then he moves fast to get out of the ventilation conducts. His mind reminds him of Mount Weather and how he navigated their conducts too but he pushes those thoughts out before they consume him completely, because he knows they’re capable of it.

Once in the hallway he’s quick to asses it. Lexa told them that Ontari was a trained warrior and she’d know if a guard was still watching over her, which is why the hallways are otherwise empty.

He sees Roan in the opposite wall and they look at each other in silent contemplation for a couple of seconds before Bellamy looks away. Normally, he’d have been against Roan joining this mission because of who his mother is, but despite the hurt in the older man’s eyes Bellamy found recognition. This guy might be hurt for what his mother did to him but he doesn’t want her dead because of that betrayal, he wants her dead because he understands that that is the only way to stop her, he is aware that that is what’s best for his people.

So they waits around the corner and when the door creaks open Bellamy grips the gun in his hands and Roan hides in the shadows once more. The informant leaves Ontari’s room and Bellamy pushes the button of his radio three times, sending the signal just like they planned. He follows the target, certain that Roan will stay to make sure that Ontari doesn’t leave her room until the guards get back up. They must be on their way, that’s what the signal was for after all.

The person Bellamy is following is definitely a male and he walks fast, leaving him to catch up. When they’re close to the elevator the person breaks into a run, noticing that he’s being followed but Bellamy is fast too and he jumps inside the elevator just as the guy sends the signal to be lowered.

“What are you doing?” The Advisor asks, baffled at Bellamy’s actions but the fear in his eyes too great to not be guilty, Bellamy sees the panic right through him.

“The Commander wants to see you. She sent me to get you.” He lies and as expected the Advisor attacks him just as the elevator rattles in his way down. The realization that he’s been set up washing over his face as he throws his punches.

A punch lands close to his left eye but Bellamy doesn’t lose his footing, though the pain that covers his face is immense. He blocks the next punch and even manages to land one of his own but this guy is not about to give up.

Bellamy can’t remember the name of the Advisor, though he saw him last night standing by Lexa’s throne in the Summit. Roan wasn’t lying. He tries to rise his gun but the man shoves it against the metal wall and twists his arm until he lets go of the weapon. This guy is so much faster than him and Bellamy groans as his face is roughly shoved against the wall next. This is not just an Advisor, this guy is definitely a trained warrior.

He avoids the next punch, the elevator shakes, his nose is bleeding as are his lips but he’s had enough. The next time the Advisor launches towards him, Bellamy uses his weight to smash his head on the wall behind his back and turns as fast as he can to punch him square in the face. The guy finally falls to his knees groggily and Bellamy punches him again effectively knocking him out.

He groans and falls to his knees as well, spitting blood and touching his nose to check if it’s broken. It’s not, and he’s momentarily glad, but it hurts like hell.

“Got him.” He breathlessly informs through the radio and then sits down, leaning on the wall for support and spitting even more blood to the side. And when the elevator stops he picks up his gun and points it at the doors, though he lets out a relieved breath when Amada and Harper visualize in front of him.

“What the hell?” Harper hurries to help him out but Amada stays frozen on the spot, her hard eyes poised on the unconscious man on the floor.

“I could have use knowing this was a warrior, not just an Advisor.” Bellamy deadpans, his stare lock on Amada’s hurt face.

“All of Heda’s Advisors are trained warriors. It’s common knowledge that we are not to be underestimated if you want to live.”

He rolls his eyes subtly as Harper helps him to his feet and Amada orders her warriors to pick up the traitor, who she still eyes disbelievingly, hurt.

“Who is he?” Her dark eyes turn to him, hard and vengative.

“Pal, Heda’s Communication Advisor.”

“You’re telling me that the guy in charge of sending out the Commander’s messages is the one who betrayed her?”

“He is also entitled to safe passage everywhere he goes or sends his riders.” Amada informs them and Bellamy’s eyes widen, his lips pursing as he grits his teeth.

“Well, we need to bring in those riders.” Harper says and then follows the warriors down the darkest corridor she has ever seen.

“Did you find anything?” He asks but Amada shakes her head, her eyes still a bit unfocused and he can’t help to sympathize. “I know is hard to accept that one of your own betrayed you.”

“He didn’t betray me. He betrayed Heda, he betrayed his Clan, he betrayed the Elders, he betrayed everything he’s been taught to respect and love. Why would he choose the Ice Queen over Heda?”

Amada doesn’t wait for an answer and Bellamy is left staring at her retreating figure, lost in thought. Why indeed?

…

With Clarke safe by her side Lexa enters her Throne Room, the Ambassadors showing their respect by taking a knee once she’s reached her Throne as customary but this time is different, this time they’re not only taking a knee for her but also for Clarke, who stands regally by her right side.

Even Ontari has her head bowed today, no shows of rebellion for the time being. “Rise.” She calls out but before she takes a seat she sees Amada perched on the far corner of the room, the woman nods and Lexa breathes a little easier. This means they have the traitor and Titus is still standing next to her, and a pang of guilt hits her hard in the chest. She should have never doubted him.

“We gather here today to receive Queen Nia, who has come to answer to this Coalition about the war horns her warriors brought to the doors of our Capitol.”

Ontari’s eyes widen at the announcement, she immediately grows anxious where she sits, her hands grip the armrests of her chair until her knuckles turn visibly white. This is not a common reaction for an Ambassador and it makes Lexa’s skin crawl. She’s heard rumors, her people like to talk but Ontari’s fear is making her beliefs sway at the moment.

“This Coalition was built around the Elders’ views, which are also the views of our fathers, our fathers’ fathers and theirs in kind. Polis has always been a safe ground for those who are valuable enough to escape the wars that have existed since the the bombs were released. The past wars for survival have killed, burnt and destroyed entire Clans we know nothing but tales nowadays, but no matter how cruel and volatile those wars have been, Polis has remained untouched. This has always been respected, this has always been the rule.”

“Azgeda warriors blowing war horns on the doors of our beloved Capitol will not be tolerated. Such a threat cannot go unpunished. It’s true that the warriors were children in training, _goufas_ that begged for mercy, speaking only of games and no ill intentions. However, Queen Nia has asked to speak to this Coalition and intervene in the name of her Clan and the stay of her Ambassador, who, as you know, has been confided to her quarters until this moment. The Queen does make mistakes, my brothers. She claims she does not want a war and we shall listen to what she has to say.”

She motions for her guards to let the Queen pass with a sense of dread settling heavy in her stomach. Nia has not arrived alone but two companions are hardly a significant threat, and Lexa can’t shake the feeling that something is wrong. There is no army marching anywhere, she has enough eyes everywhere to alert her of something like that and Amada rode the lands this morning in search of any possible threat but hasn’t found anything. However, an army would not be necessary to fulfill a specific mission and Lexa is almost certain that Nia has come with a gold in mind.

The moment Nia steps inside the room Lexa knows that something is most definitely going on. Lexa has encountered the Ice Queen on very few occasions during her reign but in all of them Nia has always held herself with an air of arrogance that surpassed any other the young Commander has ever seen. Now, Nia walks inside her Throne Room with a bowed head, lowered shoulders and regretful expression adorning her -usually cocky- face. All signs of submission that instantly make Lexa wary of her surroundings.

Something is on the works and Nia being here is simply a distraction. Lexa knew that Nia won’t take defeat with dignity, with or without support from the Clans she still plans to make her move.

“Heda.” Nia salutes before dropping to her knee and Lexa’s spine tingles dangerously. In all the times she’s been in Nia’s presence, the Queen has never taken a knee for her and this might be for show but Lexa is certain that the act will make her rage towards her grow.

Her eyes instantly lock with Amada’s and the Advisor silently leaves the room at once. Luckily Amada’s first thought is to search the Tower in it’s entirety before moving on to the rest of the city.

“Rise.” Lexa’s trained voice does not betray her, though her eyes do stray towards Clarke, if only to make sure that she’s still there. Costia also jumps to the front of her mind though and the anger that rises with her memory is almost too much to handle. She wants nothing more than to end Nia’s fight where she stands but her people must come first.

“Heda.” Nia’s snarl is barely visible but Lexa sees it, it’s there and it confirms her suspicions further. “I’ve come to apologize for the behavior of one of my warriors. Azgeda does not wish  to start a war with Polis. I respect the Capitol as much as every other Clan Leader does and I can assure you that the people under my care feel the same way.”

Lexa rises from her throne, her eyes firmly locked with Nia’s cold blue ones and her stare is enough of a telling since the anger and hunger there cannot be hidden behind a fake curtain of obedience. But Nia’s eyes stray, much like hers, towards Clarke and Lexa‘s hand closes around the handle of her sword strapped to her waist. She’d go to a thousand wars against every single Clan before she allows Nia to put her hands on Clarke.

“Chaos almost broke loose because of the behavior of one of your warriors. War horns are known by every person residing in the Capitol. They all know their meaning and they were all  promised to never hear them again in Polis.”

“Well, surely the presence of the Commander helped calm their worries.” Nia retorts instantly, for a brief second her eyes challenging Lexa before she looks over her right shoulder to Clarke again. Lexa doesn’t flinch though, she expected Nia’s mild defiance and she heard her loud and clear when she claimed to not want war with Polis. Only Polis.

“Azgeda never makes mistakes.” The Ambassador from the Boat Clan speaks and his statement evokes murmurs of agreement from the rest of the Ambassadors as well, Nia’s snarl deepens somehow. Though the jab is voiced, Lexa knows that none of them will speak of Nia’s previous plans to her. They are not fools.

“We obviously have.” Nia speaks above the murmurs. “And this is one of those mistakes.”

“Mistake or not, this will not go unpunished.” Titus reiterates, Lexa can hear the distress in his voice, he’s fighting against control. He’s never allowed anyone to disrespect Lexa since her ascension day and holding back against the Queen of Azgeda isn’t easy for him with the history that exists between her and Lexa.

“I agree.” Nia contently declares and the whispers cease around them. “My warriors need to know that Heda’s law is to be respected.”

The smirk on the Queen’s lips is there for Lexa’s eyes this time, this is how she wants to do this, this is how she pretends to apply when the support of the Clans was snatched away when she was so close to achieve what she’s always wanted. Kill Lexa and claim the control of the Coalition.

“Lashing would suffice.” She continues and Lexa allows it because if Nia is willing to use this to her favor, there is no reason why Lexa shouldn’t do the same.

“All in favor of lashing the boy who committed the crime of blowing war horns on the Capitol’s doors.”

Lexa’s face remains inexpressive while Nia’s smirks widens at hearing many voices conceding together. Nia is bordering on desperate and Lexa knows to be wary of desperate people.

“The boy will receive thirteen lashes from the hand of his Queen.” Lexa declares. “Each lash representing each Clan of this Coalition. Each will serve as a warning that every Clan is to respect the sacrosanct of our Capitol and any fault towards the peace that conquers Polis will be punished.”

Nia glares at Kane at the mention of the Thirteen Clan with disgust but she has come too far to let this knowledge put a stop to her show.

“If that’s the case, the Commander’s hand will be more effective than mine.” Nia retorts, still smiling, still feeling superior.

“This is a lesson you failed to teach a member of your Clan, Nia.” Lexa speaks, effectively erasing the Queen’s smile. “If I were to wield the whip, it’ll have to be you the one tied on the post.”

The air instantly turns tense in the room and though Nia’s eyes turn murderous, Lexa doesn’t look away, she meets her stare with a hard one herself and internally relishes in the recognition in Nia’s glare. Yes, this is a threat, a straight one and she’ll be a fool to ignore it. Lexa will not tolerate another mistake.

“All in favor.” Titus’ voice breaks through the silence but their stares remain, hard and challenging, unyielding. The agreement is unanimous, the Queen will have to execute the act of discipline.

“If there is anything else you wish to add to this reunion, this is your chance.” The Commander offers and while the offer might be a formality for the Ambassadors, Lexa is sure Nia gets the real meaning behind it. Make your move or admit defeat.  

“There is, actually.” The Queen smiles again, eyes resentful but somehow still determined. Lexa’s knuckles turn white with the force she grips her sword, Nia’s eyes jump from her hand to her eyes simultaneously. She just needs one move, one slip and she’ll be justified to act. “I’d like to offer my congratulations for your engagement, Heda. I’m afraid Ontari didn’t bring anything of value with her when she left the Ice Nation, which is why I brought a gift myself.”

The world seems to lose it’s balance all of the sudden and Lexa’s head spins when she realizes that she doesn’t want a thing that comes from Nia’s hands after the last things she received from them. She wants to kill this woman or throw her into a cell right now because something is definitely wrong, something is so very wrong and she knows it.

“That is very kind of you.” Clarke’s says from her right side, where she’s now poised so very close and though they’re not touching, her presence is enough to center Lexa back. “I’m afraid we haven’t been introduced. I am Wanheda, Clarke Kom Skaikru and your Heda’s betrothed.”

The smile on Clarke’s lips is wide and controlled, her eyes spark in the dim light of the afternoon cynically and her voice resembles the hum of a stormy day, and Lexa doesn’t need to look at her for long to realize that Clarke is raging.

“Heda’s wife to be.” Nia’s lips stretch so wide as she stares at Clarke with greedy eyes that it makes Lexa’s stomach clench uncomfortably. “I see the rumors were true. You are a sight to behold, Wanheda. Nothing is more dangerous than a face like yours.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” Clarke replies, fake smile in place as Lexa’s confidence slowly comes back thanks to her.

“Oh, it is.” Nia asures, taking a step closer. “I hope we’ll have time to get to know each other well, Wanheda.”

“But of course we will.” Clarke exclaims, keeping up with Nia’s apparent threat and pushing through the fear Lexa knows has been building up since days ago for the Queen. “The Commander and I have been expecting your visit for quite some time now.”

“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.” Lexa sees the surprise on Nia’s every expression, the shock at finding out that Clarke is not an easy target hitting her visibly.

“Long enough to be prepared.” Clarke deadpans through a comfortable smile and Lexa has the momentary pleasure to see Nia’s face pale with suspicion. But the Queen is fast to recover from her mild slip before schooling her features back to stone and to keep her act alive.

The gift is a small wooden token, no bigger than a hand, painted in white but either Lexa or Clarke get the chance to see what it really is before Titus steps up and takes it from Nia’s hands. He is on the verge of losing patience, Lexa knows that his desire to have Nia killed where she stands is too great but he respects her word.

“The punishment must be public.” Titus adds and the Ambassadors are quick to agree.

“It shall. Let it be known that when the night falls the boy will receive his punishment publicly by the hand of his Queen.”

The small satisfied smile on Nia’s face remains throughout the announcement and Lexa’s stomach drops again, though she lets nothing show. As the Ambassadors stand to leave the room the Ice Queen stays, her eyes locked with Lexa’s, sickening smirk still adorning her lips and Lexa is afraid she might not resist the urge to plunge her sword through her chest if she doesn’t leave soon.

“You and your companions will stay put and you will leave the Capitol as soon as the punishment is done.”

“As you wish, Heda.” Nia bows and with one last look thrown at Clarke she leaves the room.

…

The door falls closed behind Nia’s back and Clarke sees the tension rising in Lexa’s shoulders as if it were something tangible, something visible to acknowledge at any time. She doesn’t hesitate when she reaches out this time, her hand makes contact with Lexa’s confidently and she pulls and tugs until those green eyes turn to look at her.

The hand she holds stiffens and squeezes while Lexa fights to regain control over her emotions. Clarke can only guess how difficult it must be for Lexa to have the Ice Queen so close and not be able to do anything to the woman who killed her first love.

“Bring me Amada, now!” Her voice  echoes in the almost empty room and Clarke flinches as Titus hesitates for a second before he moves towards the door. “Nia is not to leave her quarters.”

He bows slightly and moves out, and though they’re left alone Clarke doesn’t let go of Lexa’s hand and Lexa doesn’t stop squeezing hers in return. They need this, Clarke knows that Lexa can only go so far without support and she wants to be that support for the Commander.

“Can’t you arrest her now? Amada was here earlier, which means they caught the traitor. With his testimony, the Ambassadors will speak up.”

“No one will admit to have plotted against me, Clarke. They know what the punishment for treason is. Nia has to fall on her own, it’s the only way. Either she confesses or she makes a public mistake.”

“More public that the war horns?”

“The war horns was a test to my compassion. If I had acted against that young boy then she would have used that to gain back the Ambassadors’ support. She would have claimed I’m being swayed by Wanheda.” With one last soft squeeze to her hand, Lexa drops it and moves away, but Clarke is quick to follow.

“There is evidence you can use against her. You can end this today.”

“It wouldn’t work.”

“Why not? Roan can tell the Ambassadors what he found out about them, he can call them out. The traitor will speak, the Elders are already on your side. Why aren’t you doing anything to stop her now? She’s here, you can put her in a cell today!”

Lexa’s eyes turn hard when she looks up and meets Clarke’s desperate ones. “I’m doing the best I can, Clarke.” She softly says, holding back the rage Clarke sees either way.

“You aren’t!”  She pushes and strides forward but Lexa doesn’t step back like she expects her to. No, the Commander stands her ground until Clarke stops in hesitation.

“Roan was banished when the Ice Nation joined my Coalition. _I_ banished him. It was my law that separated him from his Clan and he’s been seeking for a way back since the day his mother offered him so willingly. If he speaks against his Queen in public his people will never take him back and if they do, it’ll be only to kill him themselves. The Ambassadors will believe he wants revenge against his mother and nothing more. They won’t admit to have wanted my head. Men like their heads where they are.”

Clarke breathes in deeply, her eyes straying down to see Lexa’s jaw clenching and unclenching before she continues. “The traitor has been by my side since the day I ascended, whoever it is. Everything he says could be said in my name. It could be my plan he speaks of. His identity can only be revealed after Nia falls or else it could be seen as an elaborate plan of my own.”

“The Elders?”

“The Elders swore to aid everyone, there are no sides they can take. They serve our people but they do not bound to me. I respect them and they respect my status. It’s true that they see reason and when they agreed to support me it was not because they favored me, it was because they were concerned for the fate of our people. They know, as well as I do, that if Nia takes command of the Twelve Clans the Skaikru will be erased from existence before her greed grows and she seeks full control of everything that surrounds her.”

If Lexa were to attack Nia right now then the Ambassadors’ trust in her will crumble, clouded by fear and one way or another the Coalition will suffer the consequences of ending this nightmare. She will kill the Novitiates to ascend herself and she will probably kill everyone who stands in her way.

And if things come to light, the Elders will never admit to have given Lexa the idea of an arranged marriage and supported her through it because they know the price to pay for treason. Like Lexa said, men like their heads where they are. And Roan just wants to go home, apparently, and he can’t do that after betraying his mother, his Queen, in order to protect a Coalition the Ice Nation joined begrudgingly in the first place.

Today was all a sham, Nia isn’t submitting to Lexa to maintain peace, today was a show meant for the eyes of each Ambassador and gain their support in case anything happens.

“How do we stop her?” She breathes out, frozen between trying to understand politics and the need to survive. Lexa is the one to initiate physical contact this time and Clarke grips her hands as soon as they are within reach. They are both terrified underneath it all.

“She will make her move, I’m sure of it. This was all a play. Something will happen soon and I need you to be by my side every step of the way. I can’t protect you if I’m not there with you.”

…

Clarke can only nod once, words dying in her mouth as the doors are pushed open and Amada walks inside with a confused Titus following close behind.

“No sign of an army, Heda. Not close but I’ve already sent riders farther out to check. They’re to be back before midnight. The warriors are being kept alert anyhow. The Queen seems to be on her own.” She reports quickly and yet, Lexa’s suspicious only grow.

“She arrived with her daughter and her handmaiden.” Titus mentions, his eyes searching and though Lexa would prefer to explain everything to him, it’s better if she just shows him. Somehow Lexa just knows that it doesn’t matter if everything seems quiet and calm, Nia has something under her sleeve, she’s sure of it.

“I want eyes on Dita all the time. The girl too. I want the Natblida protected. Send six men to add to the Elders’ guard as well. Bring the Skaikru to the Tower and guard them.”

“Right away, Heda.” Amada is quick to delegate and Lexa knows her Advisor will check everything herself after.

“Show us.” She orders as soon as Amada is back.

Nia’s daughter has always been a favorite of the Queen, all knew her wish to have her take over the Ice Throne when her fight is over, which is why she was quick to offer her son for banishment when Lexa offered her the chance to join her Alliance. Amada is quick to move at her order but Titus’ eyes are too suspicious, his posture tensed. He hates to be left out. “You’ll see. Come with us.”

“My friends?” Clarke rushes up to Amada and it’s not lost on Lexa the way her Advisor’s expression is dark, more haunted than it was yesterday. Knowing that Nia had an informant on her table doesn’t sit well with her at all but it is what it is and they have to deal with it now. Later, if they survive, they’ll have time to mourn but now they need to lead with their heads, their hearts can wait.

“They are brave and alive, Wanheda. The boy sure knows how to take a punch.”

There is no more talking as they follow Amada to the upper floor, the last one of the Tower and the only one that can be access through the stairs of the Commander’s personal kitchen.

She has pulled Clarke closer unconsciously somewhere during their walk but when Lexa notices the position of her hand on Clarke’s lower back, she also takes notice of Clarke’s hand holding her hand there. And she has to wonder when did touching each other became so natural when only a few days ago Clarke recoiled in her presence.

The room Amada has chosen to keep the traitor is not the last one of the floor but it is the largest, where the windows are high and smal,l and little light flickers inside. Bellamy is the one who opens the door for them and Lexa feels Clarke stiffen next to her. Amada was not exaggerating, Bellamy’s face is bruised and swollen, and Clarke rushes to his side to inspect the wounds.

“It’s nothing.” He insists but Lexa knows from experience that the kind of split he sports on his upper lip is painful to bare, as are the blooded bruises on his cheekbones. However, she follows Clarke’s touches with jealous eyes as she inspects her friend’s face and limits herself to observe quietly.

“This could get infected. I’ll clean these up as soon as we’re out of here.” His eyebrow shots up at Clarke’s tone and a charming smirk makes an appearance, despite the wounds on his lips. Clarke moves fast though, jumping to her other friend to check on her just as fervently.

“No arguments here.” He relents and Lexa nods at his direction in recognition of his duty.

…

It feels surreal -as most terrible things do- to see one of her closest friends tied to a poll in the middle of the empty, dark room like a prisoner. Pal doesn’t look any better than Bellamy does but the real pain is not in his wounds, is in his eyes and Lexa drinks it in.

They grew up together, they didn’t study in the same room, they didn’t learn the same lessons and they didn’t train with the same warriors but they slept in beds only a few feets away from one another, they ate their meals together, they bathed together, they played together when Novitiates were allowed to indulge in games with the rest of the children of the Orphanage.

When Lexa was swept away to live in the Tower, close to Heda, leaving behind Leo, Margot and Pal, they promised that they’ll always be family.

This is her brother, this is a man that she always trusted because he was supposed to be family. She never treated him any differently than she did Leo, whom she shares a line of blood with.

“His riders?” Lexa asks, still unable to look away from Pal’s face.

“Outside of Polis, Heda. We searched everywhere.”

“Bring them to me if they return.”

“You were right. He came to Ontari when he noticed the guards were gone. They only spoke for five minutes. He tried to leave the Tower after.” Bellamy begins as Pal holds Lexa’s stare with tears pooling around his own.  

“But he’s not talking.” Harper ads. “We only gagged him when he started screaming”

“He would be singing if you let me touch him.” Roan steps out from the shadows in the back of the room and instinctively Clarke’s chin ups a couple of inches. Surprisingly, the thought of having Roan beat the answers out of Pal doesn’t disgust Lexa but she’s quick to push the thought away. She has to let her head reign, she cannot let her heart have an opinion on this matter. This man is not her brother right now, this man is Nia’s informant, he’s a prisoner.

Titus’ nostrils flare as he glares at Pal. Lexa knows he’s going to ask for his head and this time she won’t be opposed when the times comes.  

“You’re the one who told Nia of my engagement to Wanheda when I gave the order to hold it off until her Ambassador arrived on Polis.” She speaks, walking closer to the Advisor, he does not look away. “You’re the one who let her Ambassadors inside the Capitol you swore to protect, to meet with the Elders and plod against Wanheda’s life to help her rise to power.”

His eyes widen, tears spill out and the closer she steps, the more he shakes. “You’re the one who sent notice to the Clans’ Leaders of Nia’s Ambassadors coming to them or else they wouldn’t have welcomed them. You were the first person she came to after the Mountain because she knew she could use you and your safe passage to her purposes. You were the first to coward under the Legend of Wanheda and let your fear consume you instead of coming to me, like you were supposed to.”

He tries to speak through the gag on his mouth but Lexa does not want to hear a word from him. She raises her hand and he falls silent, though his tears don’t stop rolling down his cheeks and losing themselves on his dark short beard.

“You’re the one who planned my death while you shared my meals and spoke to me like a friend. Tell me, Pal Kom Podakru, after spying on me for so long, did you really think I wouldn’t see something like this coming?”

She removes the gag with a swift pull around the cloth and he cries harder, but no words can be made out. This feels just like losing Gustus felt not long ago, it hurts like losing Anya has. It feels as if a part of her is being ripped out, not at once, she’s not that lucky, but slowly and painfully.

“You will tell me Nia’s plan now that she no longer counts with the support that she so desperately fought to gain. The support you helped her achieve.”

“ _Beja, Heda_.”

“You will use Gonasleng in the presence of Skaikru.”

“I can’t, Heda. Please.”

His head hung low, he refuses to look at her anymore and Lexa’s eyes search for Clarke for a moment alone. Is she supposed to torture Pal for him to speak now? How is she supposed to beat the answer out of her brother while ignoring her heart completely?

“Why is she really here?” Lexa asks but Pal only cries harder, his red eyes turn pleading at one second and the next Titus is slapping him as hard as the force of his hand allows.

Lexa squeezes her hands behind her back and looks away for a moment, hears Pal spit before Titus slaps him again, harder this time.

“Heda asked you a question. You will give her the answers she seeks.” He slaps him again when he fails to speak right away and Lexa doesn’t order him to stop.

“You will kill me anyway!” Pal screams and Titus steps back, hands shaking and disgust written so clear in his face.

“But of course you will die. Did you think you would survive this? Were you foolish enough to believe Nia will let you live after this? Or were you planning to continue to fool Heda if Nia’s plan failed?”

Pal’s eyes widen then and he shakes his head furiously, terror swims in his pupils and he tries to free himself from the post, twisting his arms and kicking with his legs, though he can’t move an inch.

“She’ll know!” He yells desperately and Lexa isn’t the only one who is staring confusedly now. His terror goes beyond that of an employee failing on his task. “She’ll know! Heda, please! Lexa! You have to help me!”

“What is this?” Clarke is the first one to ask and Lexa guides her outside, the rest following close behind. Once outside Lexa looks in Titus’ eyes for a confirmation of what she already suspects but it’s Roan the one who confirms her thoughts.

“He’s talking about my mother’s powers.” The roughness of his voice is tired and almost defeated, and Lexa isn’t sure how to deal with this.  

“What powers?” Clarke asks again but Lexa doesn’t meet her stare, she wants to hear Roan explain this too.

“My people believe my mother is a powerful witch.”

“Lies.” Titus exclaims with venom.

“Let him speak.” Lexa orders and though Roan glares at Titus he continues.

“My mother has worked hard in making this believable. No, Titus, she’s not really a witch but my people believe she is. My people fear her threats and Pal has obviously seen something to make him believe. She’s good at that, at making someone fear her, at deceiving.”

“How?” Harper intervenes and this time Lexa’s eyes lock with Clarke’s again, feeling the pull of her stare like an invisible magnet and though she wants to pull Clarke close to her, she stands her ground, her mind railing.

“She uses Lein, the little girl that travels with her, as a weapon to achieve the threats she spits out of her mouth. It’s not difficult to have someone be terrified of you once a seed has been planted for as long as hers have. And the girl is very good at what she does.”

“The handmaiden?” Amada’s voice is tight and ready to blow. They all want blood but they all know blood can’t be spilled as long as Nia’s motives remain hidden with no one willing to speak up.

“Lein is not a handmaiden.” Roan deadpans. “She is the best warrior my mother has under her thumb. Not even my sister is as good as her. She is deadly. You don’t want to cross her path, trust me.”

Lexa separates herself from the group, walking down the hallway and recounting every piece of information she’s learnt until now.  It’s true that Nia seeks her title as Heda but that isn’t her only motivation for the plans she saw crumble before she had the chance to move forward this time.

Nia was always behind Clarke, they knew, but Wanheda is the real threat for Nia. Wanheda is the one putting everything she’s spent a lifetime creating in danger, Wanheda is the only one who can defeat her in the eyes of her people, Wanheda is the only one they fear at the moment, even more than their Queen, even more than their Heda.

Taking down Lexa in the process of murdering Wanheda will be merely a plus for Nia. That is her plan. That is how she retains her people under her will, even if Lexa stays alive, the Power of Wanheda will make her unstoppable and she will have no problem regaining the Clans’ favor to make a coup happen.

“She’s not after me. Her only mission is Clarke..” She turns around, her announcement met with even more silence. “She’s the only one who puts everything she’s built in danger.”

While everyone else catches up to her words, Clarke gets exactly what she’s saying because just like her own, Clarke’s mind is quick and agile. She’s come to the same conclusions because even though she refuses to get tangled up in politics, that’s where her mind has always been since the beginning. They were born for this, born to play this game and now they get to do it together on the same side.

“She will not achieve this.” Lexa vows, her tone taking on a dangerous tone as her eyes lock with Roan’s and Amada’s. “She didn’t come here unprepared. You will find out when and how she plans to take Wanheda’s life before the night falls. Do what you must to get this information.”

Roan and Amada get back in the room at once and though Lexa’s heart aches at what she’s just ordered but she barely manages to control herself before facing Harper.

“You will guard this door.” Harper is quick to nod and moves to stand by it, her radio safely tucked on the waist of her pants. “You have permission to shoot at anyone who comes upon these hallways. The location of this floor is unknown to most. Whoever crosses it is an enemy. Do not doubt that.”

“She can’t stay here alone.” Clarke interrupts.

“The guards will be watching over the floor. This is just a precaution.” Titus explains, his tone much softer when directing to her, though his anger is palpable.

…

Bellamy takes it upon himself to remain by Clarke’s side and Lexa is grateful for that, the more protection Clarke has, the less chances Nia has of succeeding.

She should have killed her in the past, she should have avenged Costia’s death when it happened. She had motive before, she had a reason but her people, her people have always come first. The Coalition seemed so much more important back then, she needed it to create something new and it was their dream. Costia wanted to live in a world without constant war, without fear, where they could flourish instead of planning the next battle. Costia wanted a world where their children wouldn’t grow up without Lexa. She held back and forgave the Queen’s life because Costia wouldn’t have wanted her to go to a war for her.

What would she do if Clarke is taken away?

She feels hot, confined, like she can barely breathe, the shoulder gear feels too heavy and her coat feels suffocating. She wants to get away from everything. She wants to cancel the boy’s punishment and throw Nia in a cell without the rest of the Clans’ Leaders reveal against her. She wants to take Clarke somewhere safe, somewhere where no one knows who they are or what they represent. She wants to go somewhere where they can be left alone, where they don’t own anything to anyone and where they can live instead of survive.

“Lexa?” She looks up and though Clarke is right in front of her and she can see her lips moving, Lexa can’t focus on what she’s saying. Clarke speaks with Titus, with Bellamy, with Devon and Lexa notices they’re outside of their bedroom and she tries to understand what they’re saying but the only thing she can think about is getting out of her clothes.

Turning around she pushes the doors open and throws the gear to the floor, her coat following next and before she can take of her shirt two soft hands catch her by the wrists and she stops.

Clarke guides her to the closest chair and carefully pushes down on her shoulders until Lexa sits down. Somehow, Clarke’s touch helps her gain her focus back and she sees the exaggerated way Clarke is breathing and she struggles to imitate. Clarke inhales deeply and then lets the air out slowly, long and in even patterns. In and out. Clarke breathes in and out, and Lexa clumsy begins to imitate her. In and out.

“That’s it.” Clarke smiles, blue eyes shining, plump lips stretching delicately around the edges. “Just breathe.”

Lexa focuses on Clarke’s hands on her wrists, her thumbs pressing on her pulse ever so slightly. She focuses on Clarke’s eyes and parted lips, and her lungs stop hurting after a while. She focuses on breathing with Clarke and the tightness around her whole body loosens, she doesn’t feel like she’s suffocating anymore.

“He was behaving strangely. I thought he didn’t approve of what I did and I didn’t want to confront him. I was ashamed and I’ve always respected him. I was ashamed, so I didn’t notice.” She speaks after long minutes and Clarke takes her hands, squeezes and tucks them underneath her chin. Lexa loses her breath at the action but she has no time to process before Clarke is pulling her closer and wrapping her arms around her neck as if she can’t hold herself back from holding her like this. As if she’s been waiting to wrap Lexa in her arms for as long as Lexa has.  

It takes a moment for her brain to catch up to what’s happening but when it does Lexa envelops Clarke’s waist and buries her face in her stomach, and Clarke doesn’t push her away. Clarke doesn’t stiffen at her touch, she doesn’t ask Lexa to move. Clarke does the opposite, Clarke nuzzles her close and drops a soothing shy kiss on the top of her head and Lexa’s heart aches.

Clarke is hugging her, Clarke is comforting her, Clarke is kissing the top of her head and Clarke initiated this contact. Clarke _cares_.

“You trusted him. He took advantage of that trust. His betrayal isn’t your fault. You are a great Commander, Lexa.” Clarke pushes her enough to look into her eyes and lowering her hands to cup her face and move the fallen hair away from her eyes. “Don’t you ever doubt that.”

“I doubted of Titus, Clarke. I thought he was the one spying on me and I kept him in the dark.”

“You knew the informant was someone close to you. You had every right to doubt of all of them.”

“I was warned about him. I didn’t listen. Leo said to be wary of him.”

“You couldn’t have seen this coming, not his betrayal. I’m so sorry.”

This time Clarke’s arms wrap even tighter around her, as if sensing that tears are about to be spilled but Lexa doesn’t allow it. She can’t afford to shed tears for a traitor.

“If anything happens to you.” Lexa looks up, stands and holds Clarke’s face with care but firmly. “I’d go to war, Clarke. If she dares touch you. I would not stop until she’s dead.”

Clarke’s eyes are watery, shocked and her hands shake as she reaches out to caress Lexa’s face.

“You really do care.” She whispers, perplexed.

“How could I not?”

Her eyes stray towards Clarke’s lips and she thinks she could kiss her, and not be completely rejected. She wants to kiss her and tell her exactly they way she feels, but there is so much going on and if she were to kiss Clarke again she’s not sure if she could ever stop.

So instead of kissing her lips, Lexa tangles her fingers in Clarke’s hair and pulls her closer to press her lips on her forehead and linger there for a moment. _I love you_. She wants to say it but it might be too early and they still need time, don’t they?

“Lexa.” Clarke breathes out her name in a way that makes the earth itself shatter beneath the Commander’s feet because she put that much uncertainty there, she’s the only one to blame for Clarke’s doubt in her affections.

“I’ve never lied to you, Clarke. Since the moment we met, you’ve felt inevitable to me.”

Tears sprung free from Clarke’s eyes, her bottom lip trembling as she tries to suck in enough air and her arms wrap around Lexa desperately. And there is so much touching, so much contact that Lexa thought she’d never get and she’s aware that Clarke is far from forgiving her but she’s not closing every door, not anymore.

…

There’s an explosion in the distance, making the Tower shake and Lexa tightens her arms around the woman she loves as chaos erupts everywhere. Her guards are screaming just outside of her door but Titus and Leo are the ones who barge inside her room without even a knock.

Keeping her arm around Clarke, Lexa looks over to Titus and Leo but it’s clear that no one knows what’s happening.

“A bomb.” Clarke says, shocked but running to the window anyway to check.

“ _Heda! Faya!_ ” Devon announces as he also runs inside her room and Clarke gasps from where she stands. And there is a moment before Lexa moves towards Clarke, a gap of a second only, where she knows what she’s going to see but refuses to believe it. The flames are high, angry and hungry, and they seem to devour her right along with the Temple they’re taking to the ground.

“Heda.” Devon breathes out behind her, shocked to the bones as they stare out the window to the flames eating the temple away. Lexa blinks once, then twice, hoping that the image will disappear but every time she opens her eyes again the Temple is still burning and people are still screaming.

“Who would do this?” Leo asks as Titus picks up Lexa’s coat and shoulder gear from the floor and fastens them on her shoulders.

“What was in the Temple? Was someone there?” Clarke asks and she also turns around to check on Lexa and then Bellamy, who is beyond confused but alert.

“The Elders.” Is all Lexa says before she runs out, Titus and Leo following close behind, leaving Clarke with her friend.

…

 _Podakru_ = Lake People

 _Goufas_ = Children

 _Faya_ = Fire

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are so close, so close. Way too excited to be sharing this with you guys. Thank you for your amazing reviews, they sure motivate me to write faster. Also, if you want to check out who my dream cast for the Advisors would be you can find some pics on my tumblr.


	17. Ticking bomb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the new tags before you dive into this chapter.

**CHAPTER 17**

**…**

The universe seems to shift in the few moments that Clarke takes to respond to Lexa’s hastily exit. People scream, people rush, people cry and the sky roars alive with thunders that come accompanied by angry rain. The day turns darker, the Temple burning in the distance becoming even more visible in the somber light. The flames seem to absorb the oxygen from the air and everything turns heavier, it’s hard to breathe, to process.

She plans on running behind Lexa, though she’s not sure of what she could do to help, just knowing that Lexa needs her. But Lexa is long gone and Devon is blocking her way out of the bedroom. Logically, she knows that she needs to stay inside because there is only one person that could have attacked the Elders and it’s the same person that wants Clarke dead, but she’s not thinking logically. She just knows that she needs to be with Lexa because Pal’s betrayal has already been too much and she can’t even imagine what Lexa’s reaction would be if the Elders succumbed to this attack.

“No, Clarke.” Bellamy grabs her arm but she pushes on, she needs to get out, to go to Lexa but they’re not letting her and Bellamy’s hand tightens around her forearm, pulling her back.

“No.” Devon thickly says when her desperate eyes beg him to help her. She sees his eyes shining brighter than she’s ever seen them and she blinks hard, hoping that her tears refuse to fall just like his. She needs to be just as strong.

The thunders make the Tower shake with their intensity and Clarke is terrified. Bellamy grips his gun with white knuckles and terror written on his face but Devon calmly guards the door, his eyes pained but focused.

“Clarke!”

“That’s my mom, open the door!” Devon doubts only for a second before he does as asked and all Clarke sees is a blur before her mother’s arms are wrapping around her so tight that she fears she might disappear into her embrace.

“Kane thinks the Ice Queen made the Temple explode.” Abby rushes out before her lips press the softest and most ferocious kiss on her daughter’s forehead and hands rub up and down her arms, as if she needs to make sure that Clarke is really there.

“Where is he?” Clarke asks, not seeing him inside but noticing Raven moving to stand by the balcony.

“Some of the Ambassadors are gathering in the Throne Room, the Novitiates are being taken there as well.” Nathan says as he rushes inside too.

“That’s where Kane was headed.” Abby nods and Clarke turns to face Raven again, a silent question in her eyes.

“This was a powerful bomb. Only the Mountain could have built something like it.”

“Could it have been a missile?”

“No, a missile would have had a larger range. This was a bomb implanted inside. There was a boom and the whole place is giving in at once. Someone planted it there.”

There is only one survivor from the Mountain and Clarke’s stomach sinks at the memory of his face, his determination to do whatever it took for his people to continue to survive.

“Emerson.” She breathes out in a gasp. He’s the only one who would help anyone who wanted Clarke dead. Forming an Alliance with the Ice Queen might just get him what he wants and with nothing left to lose, he’s surely fearless to the consequences of his actions.

Devon motions for her to follow and the more she walks the more she realizes that the guards must have followed Lexa out because of how empty the hallways are. She’s become used to see so many faces, at learning so many names and now that they aren’t here, she suddenly sees how safe they really made her feel and how terrified she is of losing any of them.  

They round a corner and come face to face with Amada and Roan. Clarke takes quick notice of the blood on Roan’s hands and Amada’s pants but she also sees their impatience. She only met Roan today but when he sees him checking the walls and looking for something on the ceiling _she just knows_ what they found out and Lexa is not here.

“This is a distraction.” The words leave Amada’s mouth with a poisonous bite and she grabs Clarke’s arm, shielding her with her body as she yells orders in Trigedasleng that neither of the Skaikru can understand but the few around her abide rapidly.

Devon rushes her mom and Raven to the Throne room, just a few doors away but Clarke doesn’t make it there.

…

She falls from the ceiling, just like Roan had predicted she would. Lein is so agile in her movements that is almost impossible to see her once her feet touch the ground. He doesn’t even see her unsheathing her small blades before she’s cutting through his side and the pain makes him look back. The cut shocks him but he refuses to go down so easily. She comes back but she’s not the only one attacking them.

Ontari exits a different room, a large rope hanging from her hands. Roan knows Ontari isn’t the best warrior on her mother’s army but he figures her purpose as soon as his sister emerges from the same room a second later and Bellamy prevents Lein from cutting off his head by blocking her attack with his gun. It’s been so long since she saw Dita and he can tell that the years they’ve spent apart have been much harder on her than they’ve been on him, even on his banishment.

Lein’s fast though and before Bellamy can even think of pointing the gun at her, she’s disarming him and throwing his shotgun to the end of the hallway and kicking him on the chest, knocking the air out of him and sending him to the ground.  

Amada sees Ontari a moment too late, just as a rope is wrapping around her neck and then Ontari pulls. Amada releases Clarke’s arm in time but the blonde still stumbles backwards, though Amada pushes forward to protect her, to shield her like she promised she would. Her knives are in her hands a second later, cutting the rope tied around her neck and injuring Ontari’s shoulder as well.

Roan surges forward but his fists hit thin air as Lein skillfully avoids them. He, however, is not as fast, he never really was when it came to her. The small girl spins between Bellamy and the Prince, her hair twirling with her momento and her blades sharp and lethal as they cut through their pants and their legs.

Dita goes for Clarke but with Ontari on the ground and Lein struggling to keep Roan and Bellamy away, Amada jumps to her defense. Dita and Amada enter a rigorous duel, blades clashing, clothes ripping, blood splashing in seconds alone and Clarke really can’t keep up with their movements at all, so she decides to make a break for it. Ontari, though bleeding and in pain, jumps to block Clarke’s pathway before she can make it to the Throne’s Room.

“You don’t have to do this.” Clarke desperately tries and there is so much uncertainty in Ontari’s eyes that she’s almost sure she can escape, that she can convince her that betraying Lexa and the Coalition isn’t worth it. But Roan screams in agony and Clarke’s eyes stray for a second, which is more than enough time for Ontari to land a punch in her cheek and send her stumbling down to the floor.

But Clarke fights back, she kicks and she throws blind punches that end up hitting just air mostly, but she fights. It’s not enough and Clarke has only ever fought once in her life before, throwing punches is not her forte and Ontari is nowhere near the shape Anya has been when Clarke fought her and won.

Ontari is stronger than Clarke could have seen coming and she pins her hands down easily. She’s tying a rope around her wrists and Clarke does the only thing that she can still do, she screams and she screams so loud that her voice echoes down the hallways after Ontari punches her a second time on the jaw to shut her up.

Roan groans again and Clarke barely catches sight of him over her head as she lies on the floor, tasting her own blood in her mouth and convincing herself that she’s been through worse. He can’t stand, blood oozes out of him like an open tap and he screams like he can’t hold all the pain inside. Clarke has never seen or heard someone sound like Roan does right now. Bellamy has lost his gun and Lein is beating the life out of him as she straddles his chest, while he tries helplessly to defend himself. His eyes find hers as Lein punches him in the cheek repeatedly and she hates that he’s too preoccupied on her to focus on the fight but Ontari is hitting her again and black dots explode behind her eyelids.

Dita manages to use Amada’s knife to her benefit and the Advisor falls to the ground a second later. Clarke is desperately trying to hold on to consciousness and she sees Devon emerge from the Throne Room, and she thinks she sees more people but she screams when Dita’s sword finds her guard’s neck and his sword hits the ground a second before his lifeless body does.

Barely conscious and feeling like he can barely move, Bellamy notices that the girl has thrown him close to where his gun fell. They are tying Clarke up, they are going to take her and Roan is gasping for air, Amada is unable to stand, a knife sticking from her leg and he grows desperate. He screams, takes his gun and shoots without even thinking but he can mostly hear the bullet hitting concrete. And then Nathan runs out of the Throne Room too, shotgun steady on his hands and is his bullet that rips through the shoulder of the girl who beat Bellamy up.

Lein is quick to finish tying up Clarke’s hands and gagging her mouth before she covers her head with a dirty bag and knocks her out cold seconds when pain like she’s never known before shoots through her shoulder and down her arm. She doesn’t scream, though is everything she wants to do. Guns, she thinks, as blood soaks her shirt and she’s forced to keep her arm immobile to avoid the excruciating pain from distracting her. They have to fight their way out but the Ambassadors consist in old men and mothers who haven’t touched a sword in years, and every warrior has followed Heda out to the burning Temple.

They escape but they are seen.

…

The heavy smoke that rises from the ashes is almost too thick to see through but she keeps putting one foot in front of the other because she has to.  There are no survivors and for the first time Lexa feels completely lost. What would happen to their world without the Elders and their knowledge? Can she really carry all the fate of her people by herself?

The anger boils in her core and she feels it rise, just like the ashes do with the falling rain, until it fills every inch of her body, igniting it, beating alive and dangerous, burning just beneath her skin. And in the middle of so much turmoil, of so much pain, of so much loss, the realization comes to her at once and she feels her heart stop.

Her guards, Clarke’s guards, even Ando are all standing around her and Clarke is back at the Tower, with children and the Ambassadors.

She breaks into a run. She runs as fast as her legs allow her to. She pushes everyone who is not fast enough to move aside and she can hear the distant sound of her warriors following, of strong steps determined to aid her, but the thing she hears the most is her own heartbeat, wild and desperate, now beating like there’s no tomorrow, bleeding before she has confirmation, because somehow she knows this was the plan all along.

This was all a distraction. This was the reason Nia came to Polis. This was her move and it has caught Lexa unprepared.

She finds the two men who operate the elevator of the Tower dead but sees no blood. Her warriors catch up to her while she debates going up or getting on a horse and follow whoever did this. But her men are already positioned around the handles and she gets on it trusting they will be fast.

They are but she isn’t. None of them are in the end.

She hears the chaos even before the doors slide open and the first sight to greet her is red, there is so much blood, much more than she’s ever seen inside these walls. There is blood everywhere. On the floor, on the walls, on the ceiling, on the people who is still breathing and on the dead too.

She grits her teeth, heart breaking inside but resolved to see this through. A little part of her still believing that Clarke is here, that she is safe, that she escaped, that her arms will be wrapped around Lexa any second now. Leo stands beside her as they survey the crowded hallway, as her Ambassadors cradle each other’s wounds, as Clarke’s mom tries to help them as they bleed out and Nathan and Raven press cloths to Bellamy’s face and Roan’s stomach.

“It was Dita, Heda.” Jamin of the Desert Clan says from the floor where she’s spitting blood and holding the blade still impaled deep in her stomach with both hands. Lexa pushes forward, her eyes become desperate to find blonde hair standing out but finds none. Clarke would already be helping the wounded. Clarke is a healer. Clarke is not here.

And she wants blood, she wants to kill every single one that helped Nia do this. She wants to see the Ice Nation to burn to ashes. She wants their heads and she wants Clarke back. She wants Clarke safe. She wants Clarke here with her.

Her whole body trembles and she realizes that Clarke was never the ticking bomb, she is and she was it all along.

“They took her.” Abby spits angrily and though she doesn’t carry a wound, she’s covered in the blood of those whom she’s trying to help and there is more pain in her eyes that all the wounds around them put together. “They took my child.”

“Lexa!” Leo yells from farther down the hallway and she runs, somehow still stupidly hoping. Leo’s helping Amada sit against the wall and Abby’s words settled heavy on the tip of her stomach. She’s going to be sick.

“Amada.” She gasps, relieved that the woman is alive, though she’s bleeding out from one of her legs where her own knife is still sticking out and a cut from her cheek that is way too deep.

“It was all a distraction, Heda.” She struggles to sit straighter, to speak, and Lexa holds her hands while she does it. The pain, though not physical, expands towards every corner of her body, forcing her to acknowledge it, forcing her to carry it with her and she doesn’t understand how she can hurt so bad without being injured.  “He spoke when the Temple was attached. Dita was in charge of this. We tried to protect her, Heda. I’m sorry I failed you. I’m sorry we all failed you.”

“You didn’t fail me, Amada.” Lexa fiercely says and only looks away when the Advisor accepts her word. But she finds Devon’s lifeless eyes staring at her from the floor and she’s hit with the weight of her mistake. She should have never left Clarke alone.

Why did she? What was she thinking?

Bellamy groans in pain, his entire face is covered in red, in cuts and open wounds, but he breathes and somehow Lexa knows that he fought until he couldn't get up. Roan lies next to him, blood oozing out of his side while he helplessly tries to contain it with his own hands as Nathan asks him to let him help, and every Ambassador show signs of a lost fight. And she knows that every single one of them tried to protect Clarke but they didn’t stand a chance against the Azgeda best assasins.

The pain feels consuming, it eats at her, it devours her from within and she can’t give into it. She won’t give into it because despite how elaborate Nia’s plan has been, her daughter still made a mistake, a big one, a revealing one, one that she cannot hide no matter how hard she tries. Dita’s face was seen.

She turns to face her still breathing Ambassadors and lets the anger consume her instead of the pain and she bares her teeth and grips her sword. Jamin takes her last breath raggedly and loudly, they all hear her, they all swell with anger because of it.

“Send riders. I call upon the armies of the Twelve Clans. Come morning and we lay waste to Azgeda and everyone within its walls!”

No one doubts her, they all move at once and she does as well. She’s the first to get on the elevator and she’s not surprised to see Leo and Titus jumping right next to her. Her mind is a jumbled mess of spiteful thoughts directed at Nia and herself. She should have never left the Tower without Clarke. She made a promise, she vowed to keep her safe.

Now Clarke is gone. Clarke is gone and Lexa needs to get her back, and her head is incapable of forming a different thought.

They stop at the Ice Nation’s delegated floor and they find it empty, not that Lexa was expecting to find Nia hiding in some corner of the room but when her eyes fall on the piece of paper near the edge of the dining table she knows this is where Nia wanted her to be. She hurries and takes the paper with trembling hands and then immediately squeezes it in her hand until it breaks under the pressure of her hold.

_This will be the last bride I steal from you, and try to get her back will be the last thing you do. Don’t take too long, Heda._

“What does it say?” Leo prompts but all Lexa can see and hear is Nia’s voice and Nia’s ugly, messy handwriting. “Lexa!”

“She doesn’t have much time.” She spits out, anger surpassing the terror that threatens to eat her whole if she gives way. Forcefully she drops the ruined piece of paper to the ground before hastily leaving the room. She knows exactly what she’s supposed to do and for once, just once, she believes that she’s doing the right thing by choosing with her heart.

…

Margot is waiting for them on the bottom floor but instead of speaking all the words and apologies that are on the tip of her tongue, she grips Lexa’s shoulders and pulls until their foreheads are pressing together, just like she used to do when they were children and Lexa had a bad dream in the middle of the night that she could not speak of. The action sends a wave of comfort rushing through her veins instantly. There are people who care and despite Pal’s betrayal, Lexa’s family still stands strong.  

“We’ll get her back.” Margot vows so convincingly that the words manage to inject Lexa with new purpose and hope, they bring her back, they clear her head enough to form a plan more consistent than just get on her horse and follow Dita. “We’ll get her back and Nia _will_ die.”

“Pal was Nia’s informant.” The words are out of her mouth before she can process them. Margot grows tense, her fingers dig on her neck and Lexa can feel the anger enveloping her whole, like it did her before.

“For how long?” Leo asks and they pull apart and she doesn’t need to see him to know the tone of his voice.

“Since the Mountain. He confessed of Nia’s plans when he heard the explosion.”

The citizens are still terrified while the Temple keeps on burning despite the rain. Is it really wise to leave Polis like this?

The question beats again and again in her head but the more Lexa considers the answer, the less she cares. She is Heda and her people comes first. But Clarke is her people. Clarke is her betrothed. Clarke is meant to be her wife. Clarke is a part of her. There is no other that matters as much as Clarke does.

But Clarke also believes in her, she might never let the Mountain go, Lexa might never be truly forgiven but Clarke believes in Lexa’s ability to lead. _You are a great Commander. Don’t you ever doubt that._ She can’t let Clarke down now.

“Titus.” She calls as she moves, knowing that her Advisors will follow her and her head railing. She needs to think of her people just as fervently as she thinks of Clarke’s wellbeing. “You will stay here. Wait for the armies and catch up to me.”

“You’re not thinking of going after them alone.” He protests, as expected, but Lexa does not stop until she’s by the stables and Leo’s second, Kelvan, saddles her horse before moving to his own. She watches with pride, though selfishly, as her Advisors and their seconds get ready to come with her, even though she hasn’t asked for their help, even though she’s still figuring out a plan on her own. Even though she’s going after Clarke without knowing what could really happen.

“I’m not.” She pets the mane of _Skaifaya_ before climbing on his back. “Find Luca, guard the City. Tend to the wounded.”

“Lexa.” His tone turns softer, tired and he reaches out to take her hand, something he hasn’t done since she was a _goufa_. Something that speaks louder than his words would ever allow him. “The Elders are gone. Polis was attacked. We need to prepare better than this.”

“The Elders are gone, Titus. Nia did this and we all know it. The Ambassadors saw their daughter taking my - she’s not doing this again, Titus. I won’t let her.”

“Nia wants you to go alone. You know this.”

“Clarke won’t enter Azgeda. I don’t plan on giving her what she wants.”

“But you already have!” His voice is strained and Lexa knows that he’s feeling just as lost as she feels. While the Elders provided her with advice and they were her guide through rough times, she still managed to stay at a distance from them, her position as Heda demanded her to keep them at arm's length. She respected them and she looked up to them but Titus has been raised by them, he learnt everything he knows from them, he was their voice and presence around the Commander, they meant everything to him. And his wish to wait and plan should make her want to take a step back but he doesn’t understand what Clarke means to her, he couldn’t even if he tried.

“She’s attacked your betrothed and she will pay for breaking our traditions, for killing the Elders and Polis she will not leave this world in peace. Death awaits for her but don’t give up your life in the name of justice just yet.”

It’s not justice that she seeks and it’s not justice what Nia plans on releasing upon everyone who survives.

“I don’t plan on dying today, Titus. Let it be known that Azgeda is no longer part of my Coalition and that the Ice Queen has declared war against the remaining Twelve Clans. She attacked the Capitol and took my houmon prisoner. Let it be known that she stands against us all.”

She kicks and Skaifaya neighs before he sprints forward. The gates are open, dozens of warriors awaiting for her and then swiftly following her into the woods without any hesitation.

…

The hit is what wakes Clarke up but everything is so dark that she can barely see her own tied hands. There is metal under her though and a door is still open above her, she can see the light but none serves to illuminate the enclosed space. She’s in a bunker, she’s bleeding and gagged, and she has no idea of how long has passed since she fell unconscious in the Tower.

Tears prickle in her eyes when she remembers Devon, his rough voice and calmed demeanor, and his gentle eyes always making sure she’s okay. Devon is dead and she doesn’t know how many more are too. Her mom was in the same floor, Raven, Nathan. Is Bellamy still alive? Did Harper manage to avoid the fight? Is she okay? Did they get to Lexa before they took the Tower? Is Lexa alive?

A loud pained groan interrupts her thoughts and she sees a girl making her way down the ladder, the same girl that beat the hell out of Bellamy and probably even killed him. She’s in really bad shape though and she falls the last few steps and falls on the ground with a loud thud. Nia’s daughter follows next and then Ontari, whose shirt is soaked in blood and her skin looks sweaty, she seems flushed, like she’s sporting a strong fever.

Ontari closes the doors and falls on her knees beside Clarke, who moves to give them their space. The girl is laying on the ground now, her skin looks pale and the pain makes her body contort with spams.

They are badly hurt, with the exception of Dita, who doesn’t seem to have a single bone in her body for healing and looks like she didn’t even break a sweat during the fight and then their escape. She prods at the girl’s shoulder with pointy fingers and the girl lets out a piercing scream when Dita finally frees her of her leather vest and rips open the shirt underneath, revealing the bullet wound on her right shoulder. She speaks in fast and worried Trigedasleng and Clarke takes their distraction as an opportunity to pull at the gag around her mouth and bite at the one around her wrists.

She’s so focused on setting herself free that she doesn’t notice the silence at first but she does feel the cold sharp edge of a blade pushing against her windpipe and almost cutting her skin. She stops and looks up to find Dita’s furious eyes staring her down.

“It’s a bullet wound. You need to put pressure on it to stop the bleeding.” Dita frowns at first but then she looks over her shoulder where the girl is still thrashing in pain and looking even worse than she did a moment ago.

“She’s a healer.” Ontari says as she rips her own shirt to tie a piece of it around her own wounded shoulder.

“Wanheda, a healer?” Dita asks disbelievingly and huffs to herself before pressing the blade harder against her throat. “Cowards.” She spits, her teeth baring in a roar. “You pull your triggers instead of fighting with your fists like warriors. You’d never stand a chance in this world without your guns.”

Clarke feels the need to defend her people but Dita is right and they both know it. They are not warriors by a long shot and without the guns she and Bellamy found a lifetime ago, she knows that the hundred would have never survived before the Mountain and before the Ark came down. And still, they are anything but cowards.

“At least we have our priorities straight.”

“What do you mean, Wanheda? Please, shower us with your knowledge.” Dita mocks her and either she doesn’t care about the girl behind her back about to die or she’s simply accepted that that is her fate and is unwilling to waste her time and efforts.

“You think killing me will make the other Clans submit to your mother but it will be your downfall. Lexa will never stop until Nia is dead if I’m killed.”

Dita punches her hard as soon as the words are out, making her lose her balance and fall to the side, still with her hands tied.

“My mother already killed one of her brides and Lexa didn’t do anything. What makes you think she’ll lift a finger for you?”

Dita’s mocking laughter breaks down the thin wall of confidence that Clarke has built up around her heart and head in the last couple of days. The words strike her exactly where it hurts the most, where she is most vulnerable and Clarke hates that she doubts Lexa because of them. And Dita laughs even harder at the broken expression on her face after realizing that she’s hit a nerve and Clarke feels the prickle of tears about to fall down her cheeks and the last thing she wants to do is cry in front of this woman, who is feeding on her insecurities and enjoys seeing her in pain.

“You mother also already gave up one of her own children in exchange of power. What makes you think you’re any different from Roan?”

Dita’s laughter stops and her smile falls from her face instantly and Clarke recognizes her own insecurity reflected in the Princess’ eyes before Dita hits her again, harder than before. She’s also certain that Dita saw Roan trying to protect her back at the Tower and must be wondering what he was doing there and why.

“Lexa would forgive you, you know?” Clarke spits out blood and sits up stubbornly. She can take a few more punches while digging on this uncertainty to her benefit after all. Dita frowns, unsure and shocked, but she keeps quiet. “You know this will end in war. A war that you cannot win. If you return me safe, Lexa will forgive you.” She’s bluffing, she has no idea if Lexa would even give Dita the chance to speak before she kills her but it’s everything she has right now.

“Lexa will be alone after my mother gains the power of Wanheda.”

“The people already resent Nia for what she did to Costia.” Clarke quickly speaks, hoping that her own uncertainty to this statement doesn’t show. Clarke is aware of the way their costumes work and if Nia does get to kill her then the rest of the Clans _will_ follow her to war against Lexa, not because they want to or believe in her cause, but because they will be too afraid to stand up against her and the power she took from the Commander of Death. “If she kills me she’ll be feeding their thirst for revenge.”

“They’ll die if they don’t comply.” Dita vows fiercely before her fist connects with Clarke’s jaw again.

Her head hits the ground hard and she gasps for breath, blood dripping out of her mouth as dizziness clouds her eyes but she’s far from giving up just yet. As far as she’s aware everyone in Polis is dealing with the burning Temple and the fate of those she cares about is uncertain. For all she knows no one is coming after her and she needs to convince Dita that taking her to Azgeda is not in her best interest.

“And then what? After the war is over it’ll only be a matter of time before someone rebels against her. People don’t stay oppressed for long.”

“Well, the Ice Nation has been oppressed for long enough. Take this as our rebellion.”

“Oppressed how exactly? Do you really believe that the only way to achieve what you want is through war? There are other ways.”

“My mother has tried to live in peace under Lexa’s laws but she’s made that impossible.”

“Lexa let your mother into her Coalition after she killed Costia. I think her wish for peace shouldn’t be up for debate.”

Dita smirks sadly and when Clarke tries to sit up, she’s pushed roughly to the ground with a hand on the back of her head. “You only know what she tells you, Wanheda.” The Princess pushes down on Clarke, keeping her cheek firmly pressed on the floor. “The Ice Nation has been living on scraps since the day she ascended. Our lands don’t grow anything but we are last to receive food. Our animals die sooner than they’re meant to but we are last to receive meet. The winter never ceases but we are always short of furs. And what does Lexa do? She ignores us, she gives little to no word to each one of our Ambassadors and refuses to ever visit our lands. You know why she does that, Wanheda?”

When Dita falls silent, Clarke shakes her head in negative. Though her heart aches because she knows that Lexa couldn’t seek revenge like her heart was probably demanding when her first love was killed at the hands of the Ice Queen, but at least she’s been able to keep some of her pride and refused to treat Nia like anything other than a necessity for her purposes.

“Because I do believe that she was born to be Heda. The Spirit choose her, I know this. That’s why I know she can’t see what she’s done to us without it killing her. She’s neglected us. She’s forgotten us. She keeps us in her table as a formality to keep the rest compliant. So you see, Wanheda. We are the oppressed ones and we demand to be seen.”

“What did you expect after you killed Costia? That wasn’t your people speaking up and you know it. That was your mother trying to start a war because she wants the power, but she doesn’t know how to lead or else she would have gotten your people what they need long ago.”

“You don’t know my mother.” Dita presses her face harder against the cold metal, making Clarke groan in pain and frustration.

“I know that she doesn’t want peace and that she is willing to sacrifice even her own blood to achieve what she wants.”

“My mother didn’t sacrifice my brother willingly, that was Lexa too. She asked for a loved one, she did have her revenge.”

“Roan is still alive.” Clarke pushes backwards, only to have Dita press down harder, leaning to speak close to her ear.

“Only because she saw that he could be of use. Lexa has never left an opportunity pass her by. And as long as she holds the power to lift his banishment my brother is merely another one of her subjects.”

Clarke pushes back but Dita is unrelenting, and that same cold laughter comes back, ringing in her ears as the Princess smiles with malice down at her.

“Don’t be fooled, she only wanted you as her wife because of the same reason. You are just another symbol that would have helped her keep us all tamed. She was using you, she made you submit, she owned you and you let her, even after she left you and your people to die.”

Green eyes flash through her mind and Clarke stops fighting, letting Dita push down on her. Days ago, Clarke would have believed these words entirely and without hesitation. Now though, she knows they are not true. She knows it in her heart as well as in her head. Lexa cares and Lexa didn’t make Clarke submit, it wasn’t her decision and now she knows that if Lexa saw a different way to bring the Skaikru into the Coalition, she would have never asked Clarke to bow before her.

“You’re right.” She relents, Dita’s hold of her hair loosens almost instantly. “She’s been using me this whole time.”

Dita is quiet for so long that Clarke believes she’s seeing right through her lie. The girl is shivering now, she’s lost too much blood and Ontari is too preoccupied with her own wounds and listening to their conversation to pay her any mind. Eventually, Dita removes herself away from Clarke and steps closer to the girl on the floor.

“You are of more use alive than dead.” The Princess says as she presses on the girl’s shoulder, the river of blood finally slowing down. “My mother understands that.”

“I only want what’s best for my people.” Clarke groans and sits up again, still distrusting of this sudden calm.

“Azgeda has no disputes with Skaikru. My mother will hear your last request. Even after your death, you can still protect them.”

So there is no going back on making them see that killing Clarke is not their best option. Their minds are made up and Clarke needs to escape if she wants to live.

“You need to apply more pressure or she’ll bleed out.”

“She cannot die.” Ontari urgently declares, pain is written all over her face but she pushes to her feet and gets closer to the wounded girl. “We have to take her to the Queen, she’ll help her.”

Clarke sees the panic in Dita’s eyes before she lowers her sight. So Ontari is not within Nia’s trusting circle, Clarke realizes.

“She won’t survive the trip.” She injects and after a beat. “I can help.”

Ontari and Dita stare at her so hard that Clarke begins to feel exposed under their scrutiny but she doesn’t look away and she most definitely doesn’t shy away either.

“You’re a prisoner.” Ontari states.

“I’m also the only one here who knows what to do when a person is bleeding out.”

Dita stands suddenly and strides towards Clarke with determined steps that for a moment the blonde believes that she’s going to knock her out or kill her on the spot, but the Princess retrieves a knife from her belt and swiftly cuts the ropes around her wrists and ankles, freeing her.

“She can’t die.”

Clarke nods, moving to stand with her back to the ladder, her eyes inspecting every inch around her before she kneels beside the girl, Lein. She presses down harder, moving quickly to inspect the wound and grimacing when she finds out that it’s not a clean shot at all.

Dita and Ontari move to the other side, like Clarke expected them, and instantly prepare to help. Roan said this girl is the best warrior Nia has on her lines after all.

“Help me sit her up.” Ontari moves at her command but Dita eyes her suspiciously. “I need to address the back of her shoulder as well.” She explains but that doesn’t dissipate the doubt in the Princess’ eyes, though she helps while her eyes stay locked with Clarke’s.

When Ontari is holding a screaming Lein in her arms Clarke knows she won’t get another chance like this one. She pushes Lein against Ontari and jumps on Dita, headbutting her in the nose as hard as she can. She hears a bone cracking and she’s most definitely woozy from the impact but she turns around and jumps on the ladder, pushing open the door and once outside she takes off running into the woods without looking back.

…

 _Skaifaya_ = Star

 


	18. The beginning of the end

**CHAPTER 18**

…

She’s only been running for a few minutes when she hears the rustling of leaves and breaking of twigs behind her, close to her and Clarke wills her legs to move faster though she’s exhausted already.

With no idea of where she’s actually going, Clarke can only hope that she’s moving in the right direction. Luckily the rain has stopped but the cold, oh dear, the cold feels like a thousand needles piercing through her clothes and lungs, and the sweat is only making it worse.

It’s getting dark and Clarke is certain that she won’t be able to tell her right from her left if the night falls before she gets _some_ where. Her feet fall heavily on the wet ground, they _feel_ heavy and are most definitely making a lot of noise, Dita won’t have a problem finding her if she gets any closer.

The freezing air of the late afternoon lashes out on her arms and face, and the memory of why she took off her coat pangs dangerously inside of her chest. She needed to comfort Lexa and she imitated her instinct to drop her coat to the ground before following her inside their room. Lexa has lost so many already and Pal’s betrayal hit her worse than she could have ever expected. Has that been the first time Lexa felt like that? If Clarke weren’t there for her, who would be? Would Lexa even accept the comfort of another?

She trips on a rock and she hears Dita closing in on her before she turns on the floor and a foot kicks at the place her face was a second ago. Terror envelops her whole but Dita doesn’t give her the chance to even move before she’s straddling her stomach and landing punch after punch on her already bloody face.

Clarke kicks out and arches her back, trying to get Dita off but the Princess is much more skilled in the art of fighting than she is, and every time Clarke tries to make her lose her balance she finds her footing someplace else with little effort, though her fists do miss her face a few times. Clarke groans and screams, she pushes, she punches but nothing, _nothing_ she does makes Dita take a pause.

She’s heard so many people tell her how thin she is but it’s not until this moment that Clarke really understands what all of them have been saying all along. She’s weak and she looks weak. In those weeks that she almost gave up on everything, she’s lost the will and strength that made her a leader, a fighter and a survivor.

Her arms hurt from pushing against the warrior, her legs are tired and it’s difficult to move them, her whole body aches in a way that it hasn’t since her first days on the ground when physical activity was new and foreign. She’s not going to win this. Now she sees it.

Dita throws one last punch near her eye and then stands, and even if she wanted Clarke wouldn’t be able to move, not with how badly everything is hurting. Her vision is blurry now, she can smell blood more than she can smell the nature surrounding her and her clothes are completely soaked from the wet grass on her back. Her entire face burns and the blood on her skin quickly dries up, and it’s freezing.

Dita is moving in complete silence and Clarke can finally see the severity of the damage she’s injected in the Princess when she escaped the bunker. Her nose is veered to the left side of her face in a weird angle, broken, and the front of her thick fur coat is soaked in her own blood. When she looks at Clarke, the blond visibly flinches back at the hate implanted so deep in those green eyes.

Neither one of them speaks and Clarke is far from wanting to initiate any sort of conversation either. Dita looks like she would literally kill her on the spot if she so muchas  looks at her the wrong way.

The Ice Princess builds a small fire that Clarke doesn’t pay much attention to until she pulls out a different kind of knife from one of her boots and holds it over the flames to heat it up. And Clarke panics as she sits up with the intention of getting on her feet and run, but the entire world spins when she moves that she has to lie down to steady herself and avoid being sick.

“I cannot kill you, Wanheda. That is an honor my mother will have soon.” Dita spits as she moves to straddle Clarke’s stomach again, this time holding the glowing red knife on her right hand. Dread washes over Clarke completely and she tries to free herself harder, though her head threatens to explode with how badly is hurting if she keeps moving, her entire face feels heavy and sore.

“Easy now or I will leave more than just one mark on your pretty face.”

“Where is your mother?” Clarke desperately asks, angry that she’s being bested so easily and enraged even further that she’s the only one to blame for her current shape.

“ _Shof op_! I will not hear you anymore.” The glowing knife is only inches away from her face now but it’s not a sharp end awaiting for her, it’s Lexa’s forehead gear shaped in the metal and glowing red.

Dita presses the flaring metal between her eyes at the exact same place where Lexa wears it, with a sickening smile on her lips. And Clarke just knows this is how Nia planned to brand her before torturing her and ultimately kill her. This is how she intended to ridicule Lexa in front of her people and claim her power. The pain kicks in quickly though and she screams out loud but it doesn’t muffle Dita’s manic laughter at all.

…

Lexa brings Skaifaya to a hastily stop when she hears the echo of a scream and without a second thought she clicks her tongue and digs her heels in her horse’s sides, taking off in the direction where the sound came from.

The cold air slaps her face harshly the faster she goes but the pain is nothing compared to the anguish of even think that Clarke might be the one screaming somewhere close, being tortured, perhaps dying. Squeezing the reigns of Skaifaya, Lexa kicks harder on his sides, her loyal friend pushing himself to his limits to take her where she needs to be faster.

She can barely register the galloping of her warriors but Skaifaya has always been faster than most horses and she’s leaving everyone behind. For a moment she can almost picture Titus and Leo coming out of the trees, stopping her from doing something reckless like they did in the past, begging her to see where her actions will take her and asking her to remember why she wanted peace and why it was important to think in the first place.

An angry roar rips through her throat and leaves her parted lips loudly as the full memory of that day replays in her mind, again and again. She swore to never love again, to never let herself become vulnerable, to never give her enemies leverage that they could use against her and to never let anyone in.

And it had only take meeting Clarke once to forget those vows. She tried to fight those feelings, oh she tried as hard as she could, but it had only take one kiss for Lexa to know that she never stood a chance against them and when she accepted it, she wanted everything but the memory of the loss she once suffered was what kept holding her back and eventually chose for her.

It was better to quit on Clarke before loving her and then losing her like she did Costia. Lexa isn’t strong enough to survive the same pain twice. But she was so wrong, she thought that in giving Clarke up the loss will hurt less, but Clarke had been alive and news from her survival came to Lexa only hours after she abandoned her, and it was then that she realized that she had been suffocating and hearing that Clarke was alive felt like the first wave of air after she was denied to breathe for so long, it felt like coming back to life.

The tears are freezing cold on her cheeks, her bottom lip trembles and her teeth chatter but the anger burns with the intensity of the sun in her veins. There will be no mercy this time, there will be no survivors.

…

The distant sound of galloping horses erases Dita’s smile from her face while Clarke grits her teeth, oblivious to the tears sliding down her face. Her only thought on the pain of the burn, her entire face feels like it’s on fire, she can smell her own burnt skin and spilled blood, and it’s making her feel sick. She registers Dita’s rushed movements but she only hears the galloping when the Princess kicks dirt over the small fire and pulls her up to her feet by roughly yanking on her arm.

“Come on.” Dita pulls her desperately and instead of moving forward Clarke falls on her knees, her throat aching and dry. The smell of her skin reminds her of an animal’s cooked meat and she vomits on the ground despite trying not to, despite knowing that her throat will only hurt more if she does, despite knowing how weak she always feels after.

The galloping is so much closer but Clarke can tell is only one rider, only one person is coming and for all she knows it could be one of Dita’s people finally coming to meet them.

“Come on!” Dita harshly whispers but Clarke refuses to stand up, her eyes on the east following the sound of the approaching rider, waiting to see who is coming. “If the people only knew how weak you truly are, Wanheda. Stand up!”

Crawling won’t take her too far but Clarke still does it, if only to make the Princess waste her precious time. She’s already dead after all. But Dita is far from giving up and Clarke recognizes her fear when she drops to her knees and accommodates Clarke on top of her shoulders, and then stands graciously, as if Clarke doesn’t weigh nothing at all.

Maybe Dita isn’t expecting company after all, maybe this is someone else.

The Princess is fast on her feet, even with Clarke on her shoulders. They make it behind a curtain of an old tree’s large branches that fall to the ground, frozen, leafless and thin. Clarke knows they won’t make it to the bunker without being seen, Dita knows it too. She’s pushed against the trunk roughly, her head hitting the freezing wood nastily. She feels weak, like her legs can’t hold her weight like they should, like her arms are made of glass, like her whole body isn’t in the shape it should be.

Dita steps behind the branches briskly and breathless, eyes wide and searching. Clarke doesn’t even know when she left her there alone in the first place. She touches the tip of her fingers to her forehead and hisses. The burnt itself isn’t what hurts the most but the skin around it, it itches and hurts and Clarke wants nothing more than to scratch but she knows that isn’t a good idea.

The Princess’ breathing is accelerated by her side, Clarke notices this is the first time she’s seeing Dita looking scared, _really_ scared. The galloping is so close now, the rider is about to pass them or find them.

“Lexa.” Clarke recognizes, the name falling from her lips in a gasp. Dita responds by pressing her whole body against her, pushing her against the trunk and Clarke doesn’t see it, doesn’t even register the moment Dita retrieves her knife, but there it is, pressed on her neck, cold and sharp.

Clarke laughs and at first it feels foreign, her throat isn’t used to it anymore, the sound is unrecognizable to her own ears and the more confused the Princess grows, the funnier it seems to get.

“What is so funny, Wanheda?” Dita presses the knife harder on her throat, drawing blood and Clarke laughs louder because she knows what’s coming and she feels proud, not because Lexa has chosen to fight for her, it’s not that at all, it’s because Lexa will finally get her revenge and she deserves it more than anyone.

“Lexa is coming.” Clarke smiles, feeling blood dripping down her neck and down her collar bones but she doesn’t care.

“If she finds us you’re dead.” Dita grits out, her hot breath hitting Clarke on the face because of how close she’s standing.

“It doesn’t matter.” Clarke chuckles and though she smiles, she can feel her heart breaking inside of her chest and she wishes she’d had more time, said more, love more, do more. _So this is how it feels to know that you’re about to die_. “Go ahead. Kill me. I don’t care, I’ll be dead. But you, you better have a good place to hide because Lexa is coming and I don’t think anything or anyone can stop her this time around.”

Dita’s eyes flicker but Clarke is far from being able to read the Ice Princess beyond the distinct fear. Her green eyes -much lighter than Lexa’s- seem lost, the white war paint gushed on her cheeks but the thing that calls her attention is the lack of scars in the Princess’ face. Isn’t that the sign of a strong warrior in the Ice Nation? Aren’t scars important for the one who bares them?

“I’m not dying today.” Dita promises before she pulls and shoves until she stands behind Clarke, the knife still firmly pressed against her throat, and walks out from behind the wide tree and through the branches.

They step out just as the rider turns in their direction, long red sash waving behind her with the speed in which she approaches, voluptuous hair fluttering back, black war paint around her eyes. Lexa has never looked as majestic as she does right now, Clarke has never seen her look as ferocious as she does, as regal.

She’s known all along that Lexa is strong, a capable fighter, a force to be reckon with but right now, _right now_  Lexa looks invincible, unbreakable and incapable of losing.

Lexa pulls back the reigns of her horse and jumps to the ground, landing on two firm feet, hands reaching behind her back to unshed two swords and Clarke’s heart skips a beat at the sight.

Clarke has seen so many looks on Lexa’s face, so many expressions that have a meaning, many mannerisms that express an unsaid thought. However, as Lexa strides towards her and her captor, Clarke can’t see a single one of those tells. The Commander’s face is blanked of all emotion and Clarke realizes how dangerous that is.

“ _Wan daun, Heda_!” Dita warns, the blade digging deeper on Clarke’s skin, drawing more blood, hands shaking. She’s terrified. Isn’t this the same woman that killed Devon with little effort? The same woman who fought Amada and carried Clarke through the woods, and barely showed any signs of tiredness? 

“ _Breik em au_.” Lexa’s voice is her tell. Clarke can hear the desperation lacing it, the anger riling it and the fear, Clarke can almost taste the fear and she pushes forward instinctively, stupidly. The blade cuts through her skin a larger wound and Clarke yelps in surprise and pain.

“ _Bak op_!” Dita yells and when Clarke opens her eyes she finds that Lexa is much closer now, much more desperate and she’s not only angry, no. There is something in her eyes, a hunger that Clarke is unfamiliar with, something that makes her sorry for the people that dares to stand in her way.

Lexa’s eyes, so focused on the blood dripping down Clarke’s neck, ignite like wildfire. Clarke grips Dita’s forearm but she doesn’t push, though Dita is holding her tightly as if Clarke is the shield that’s keeping her alive.

“Lexa.” She calls, her voice breaks but those green pools don’t look at her directly. “Lexa, look at me.” She pleads, knowing that Lexa can’t afford to be seen as weak and maybe looking at Clarke directly will break the walls she’s so fiercely leaning on right now but she needs to see her eyes, she needs to look at her.

“Be quiet, Wanheda.” The Princess takes a step back and Lexa’s eyes lock with Clarke’s. Dita is still walking backwards as Clarke tries to communicate her intentions through their stare.

She was right, Lexa’s eyes are truly the door to her soul, they’ve always been when Clarke is concerned and they weep as they take her in. But those eyes are Clarke’s power source, they’ve been it since the beginning and they are exactly what she needs now.

Clarke sees the moment that Lexa understands what she’s saying and though her eyes widen in protest, her hands still grip the handle of her swords tightly, readily.

The blade cuts through Clarke’s palms deeply the moment she pushes the knife away from her throat and barely manages to drop to the ground before Lexa jumps in and Dita is left to defend herself.

Dita is fast, running back to gain time to unshed her own swords but Lexa is faster. The Princess is about to raise her swords when the Commander’s slide down her back, ripping a cross through her thick coat and immediately drawing red blood. Dita groans but she twirls, attacking Lexa as fast and hard as she can, enduring the pain inflected to her as if she’s used to it.

Lexa blocks each blow with ease though and Clarke realizes how deadly she looks and acts, and she just knows who will walk out of this fight alive.

Lexa is not another warrior or guard that Dita can easily take down. Lexa is pure skill and confidence. Lexa is strength. Lexa is hunger and hate, but she’s also thoughtful and clever, controlled, disciplined and agile.

Dita loses one of her swords when she goes for Lexa’s neck and Clarke loses her breath at seeing a strand of Lexa’s brunette locks fall to the ground, showing just how close the blade came to touch actual skin. This is exactly how Dita ended Devon’s life but Lexa uses her momentum against her, disarming her and throwing off her balance with a well-placed hit on the side of her neck.

She tries to get her sword back but Lexa is already pressing the sharp end of hers on her cheek. Dita stops moving immediately, her hand stays frozen in midair and her eyes instantly search for Clarke, who is also looking at the scene in astonishment. While Dita had little trouble in besting Amada, her brother and a dozen of Ambassadors practically on her own, Lexa has made it seem almost easy to take her down and Clarke knows that this is exactly why Lexa is Commander.

As more riders close in on them Lexa calmly kicks Dita’s swords away, her eyes unforgiving on the Princess but collected, in completely control. Clarke knows Lexa is going through every gain and loss Dita’s death will bring to her people, she can see the balance in Lexa’s eyes weighing her options, right and left, and she can see the moment one side outweighs the other.

“Wait!” She yells as Leo and Margot run towards them, their seconds –Kelvan and Vikon- already scouting the area while at least another dozen of men take off in different directions to secure the area.

“Lexa, wait.” She stands but the world is spinning and if it wasn’t for Margot holding her upright she’d be kissing the ground one more time. Lexa doesn’t look back but her shoulders drop considerably, making her look less feral somehow.

“You wish to spare her life?” The Commander asks, the tip of her sword digging on the Princess’ cheek, blood oozing from what it’ll become the first scar on her face.

“Hold onto it, for now.” Clarke clarifies but that doesn’t stop Lexa from knocking Dita out with a solid punch on her face that has Clarke looking the other way because of the sound her nose bone makes at breaking even farther.

As soon as Dita is unconscious Lexa turns, shedding her swords on her back and hands desperately reaching for Clarke. Leo and Margot take on tying Dita’s arms and legs to a nearby tree, gagging her mouth and ensuring that she doesn’t go anywhere.

When Lexa’s hands are gripping her elbows Clarke feels heavier, dizzier and comfortable enough to let it all show. Lexa cradles her in her arms, soft fingertips tracing the blood on her skin, eyes looking for other injuries that she might not be seeing and wants to desperately heal.

“There is a bunker.” Clarke speaks, only now noticing the tremble in her voice, the tears sliding down her cheeks. She wants nothing more than to erase the devastating look on Lexa’s face but she doesn’t really know how. Where are they really? What are they? “Ontari and Lein are injured, that’s why they didn’t keep going.”

“Leo.” Lexa’s voice is hard, firmer than Clarke is used to hear to help mask the evident pain that Clarke can now see so clearly swirling in her bright green eyes. “Bring them to me.” Leo and Margot are quick to gather a few warriors and go in the direction that Clarke points them.

Lexa’s eyes become entranced with her forehead, on the burnt mark Dita made a few minutes ago and they turn cold, dark and Clarke sees her snarl, she can hear her teeth gritting together in anger and she reaches out instinctively, touching Lexa’s jaw with her fingers and calling back to her with soft taps. It takes a few moments for the Commander to stop glaring at the wound but then those same eyes focus back on hers and they are so apologetic that Clarke’s heart aches more than the wounds on her face. This is not her fault, none of this is and Clarke will make sure she knows that when they’re alone.

“Clarke, I - I don’t - ”

“Shhh.” Clarke shushes when Lexa’s mouth hangs open at a loss for words. But Lexa is already taking her hands, inspecting them and she shakes as she rips her own shirt and wraps Clarke’s hands tightly but gently around the open palms. Up until now, Clarke hasn’t even noticed how bad she’s bleeding. “It’s okay. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re - ”

Lexa looks back, her hands tensing on Clarke’s face and very slowly motions for her to get down on the ground. The three warriors left behind follow Lexa’s lead, becoming extremely alert and looking for cover behind the trees, just like their Commander does while holding Clarke close.

Lexa touches a fingertip to Clarke’s lips, silently asking her to be quiet, nevermind of how long her eyes stay glued to her own finger. Clarke nods her head, too afraid to say a thing and too woozy to ask all the questions in her head. Clarke didn’t hear anything but Lexa obviously did and she isn’t about to doubt her on this.

Slowly and very carefully Lexa retrieves her knife from the holster on her thigh and presses it’s handle on Clarke’s hand carefully, her eyes doing all the talking before she turns her stare on the three warriors and points up at the trees and to the west. Lexa is so close, kneeling in front of her, her presence almost overwhelming her by the proximity.

The world seems to minimize to only them and Lexa is her cocoon, and Clarke thinks that she could stay like this forever and never again be afraid of anything or anyone, Lexa would protect her and Clarke would do the same in return. Everything is so silent, even the horses seem to understand that something is hunting them and that’s how Clarke hears it. It’s not a twig breaking, the sound is much lighter than that, the very soft sound of a pressured branch of a tree, a sound that could easily be mistaken with the wind.

A new wave of dizziness washes over her and Clarke has to close her eyes to center herself to this moment before getting sick again. Dita is beginning to stir and the muffled sounds coming out of her mouth turn more insistent with every second that passes by but Lexa’s hand is steady midair in the direction of her warriors. _Wait_.

…

The first one brave enough to show face lands on his feet graciously and stupidly believes that he can take Dita away without anyone noticing. Lexa lifts her chin, a silent command, and Clarke sees one of her warriors raise her bow and arrow and shoot with lethal precision.

She hears the dull thud of the arrow hitting the man, followed by a deep gasp and the unmistakable sound of a body hitting the ground next. She closes her eyes again, Dita has gone quiet and Lexa’s hand squeezes hers lightly, wary of hurting her and reminding her of the dagger she has in her possession. Clarke nods, holding Lexa’s stare for a few seconds before several sounds are heard around her at once and her heart begins hammering against her chest.

Thirteen warriors drop from the trees nearby, the horses neigh and Lexa stands on her feet. In a moment of sheer panic, when the warriors roar angrily and the Commander’s mask takes over Lexa’s face, Clarke wants to ask her to stay behind the tree with her but she knows that that’s not even a possibility. Lexa has to fight, she is Commander and this is how she proves herself time after time.

Lexa’s eyes resemble a storm as they try to focus on Clarke for a little longer and it’s obvious that she wants to say so much but instead she unsheathes her swords and attacks the warrior closest to her. A young man whose face is painted in white and wears a number of scars proudly in his cheeks and forehead, tries and fails to sneak up on his Commander. Lexa’s sword is buried deep underneath his chin before he can get too close and he goes fast, Clarke sees his eyes roll back before Lexa retrieves her sword and moves on to the next enemy with efficiency.

Every fiber of her being is yelling at Clarke to stand and fight, help in whatever way she can but she can barely keep her eyes open without feeling like she will hurl. It’s not a concussion, though there are a few signs that are pointing her in that direction but she is very much aware of everything that is going on around her, she feels dizzy but her vision is clear, she remembers everything that happened and her hearing is okay. No, she shakes her head, she just had an angry Princess punching her repeatedly in the face.

Lexa’s war cries have Clarke inching away from behind the trunk, squeezing the dagger in her hands and hissing at the action. The cuts are deep and the cloths of Lexa’s shirt are already soaked through with her blood.

There are five bodies on the ground, unmoving, bleeding out and Clarke really shouldn’t be moving but she cannot even fathom the idea of hiding while others are in danger. So she stands, discovering that she’s more stable on her feet than she thought she’d be, she can hold her own. But things are happening way too fast, the warriors don’t have a second to spare because it could make the difference between life and death.

Lexa fights close to the tree where Clarke’s supposed to be hiding and two of her men already lie dead on the ground, leaving only the Commander and the girl with the bow behind. But the Ice Nation warriors are dropping faster than Clarke can keep up with. Lexa is ruthless, absolutely fatal and Clarke is still sorry for those who stand in her way, even more so when two of those warriors manage to get to her and try to take her away again.

Fighting never really seemed as futile in the past, she was not this vulnerable with a gun in her hands, but right now Clarke is aware of her lack of actual skill and strength. She is easily disarmed, Lexa’s dagger falling to the ground as soon as she attempts to defend herself. They don’t bother with tying her up and Clarke has half the mind to cover her face, not wanting any more punches on her already beaten face.

These warriors don’t look like men at all, although Clarke knows that that’s what they are, men, they remind her of the reapers more than they’re probably aware of, they sound like monsters and they show no signs of mercy. They resemble animals more than anything. Their fists rain on her when she puts up a fight once they begin to drag her through the woods though and then they stop at once.

A loud groan followed by an angry cry is what alerts Clarke of Lexa’s presence. Lexa, who comes once again to her rescue and gives the warriors no chance to form a capable thought before her swords find their necks and hearts. Lexa, who is splashed in red everywhere but looks impeccable despite it. Lexa, who makes sure these men are dead by stabbing both of them on the ground one final time before she stops to take a breath. Lexa, whose eyes focus back on Clarke without the war fury that enveloped them a moment ago.

“Did they hurt you?” Lexa kneels before her, cold hands inching Clarke’s face closer, inspecting and worriedly.

“I’m fine.” She rasps out, eyes focused on Lexa’s expressions because she’s seeing so many new ones. Her bottom lip trembles almost imperceptible, but Clarke sees it and it comes accompanied with a deep frown, and the most heartbreaking stare the blond has ever seen in her eyes and a new realization comes to her.

Clarke’s had so much time to think about the wedding, what it meant to be married to Lexa, the things the ceremony will consolidate, what the people from Polis and every Clan will expect from her, the things she’ll have to do to make sure that no one ever found a reason to doubt their matrimony. Clarke has thought about all the personal sacrifices, all the personal losses, all the personal commitment she’ll have to endure and she’s had time to dig deep into her own heart, untangle her feelings and come to terms with them. And while she’s certain that Lexa’s had the time to think about all of this on her own, Clarke still has never stopped and think about how her own kidnap must have felt like for Lexa, who already went through this once and most certainly didn’t want to repeat the experience.

This raw desperation that she can see in Lexa’s eyes is real, it can’t be faked and her anger can bring worlds down if it’s let free.

What would she do if Lexa is taken away? Killed in the name of war? Forever gone without Clarke having told her that she loves her? Gone before she had the chance to truly live?

Lexa is shouting orders, Leo and Margot having returned, the scouts arriving behind as well, but all Clarke can see is the woman in front of her dropping her shoulder gear to the ground, forgetting about her swords to take a moment and take off her coat to wrap it around Clarke’s shoulders delicately, while everyone around her moves to her command.

The thought alone of losing this person, who has always tried to be there for her, who made a mistake but it’s been working so hard to fix it, who has been trying to tell Clarke so much; is enough to bring tears to Clarke’s eyes and shatter her heart in a million pieces.

Throwing her arms around Lexa’s neck, Clarke clutches her tightly, pressing herself against the taller woman warmly, if a bit fiercely. And Lexa doesn’t hesitate in locking her arms around her waist, bringing their torsos together and burying her face in blonde tresses. The sharp intake of breath is the only sign that the Commander is about to lose it so Clarke pulls back slightly, only enough to look into the green eyes that always speak to her one way or another.

“Please.” Clarke pleads, hands cupping Lexa’s face. “Don’t you dare dying today.”

Lexa’s lips part, she breathes in deeply and bobs her head twice. Her hands squeeze Clarke’s waist almost painfully but this is exactly the kind of ground they need to keep hold of themselves.

“Or any other day.” Clarke’s voice breaks, hands pressing on Lexa’s face hard.

“I won’t.” Lexa promises, though both of them know that that isn’t something she can control. “I won’t leave you alone. I won’t.”

With Lexa’s voice shattering so freely for everyone to hear, Clarke feels a sudden need to protect her rise within her and the idea that this is for show doesn’t even cross her mind this time. Somehow she just knows that they are pass that.  

“Clarke.” Lexa’s fingers dig into her skin, the words dying in her mouth but Clarke hears them clearly.

“I won’t leave you alone, Lexa. We’re not dying today. We still have a wedding to plan.”

Leo is the first one to chuckle behind them at the mild reproach and everyone else soon follows, reminding them that their conversation was never really private and that they can still laugh. But public be damned because Lexa is cracking a smile and it’s the most beautiful thing that Clarke has ever seen.

She’s still bleeding, the Elders are still dead, Nia is nowhere to be found, the armies are still coming and they still have a war to fight, but for the first time in a long while Clarke truly believes that there is light on the other side and they’re about to leave the fog behind.

…

_Shof op_ = Shut up

_Wan daun, Heda_ = Stop, Commander

_Breik em au =_ Let her go

_Bak op =_ Stay back


	19. Beating hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, work was insane last week and it barely left me any time to write more than a couple of sentences at once. Anyway, this chapter is a Clexa centered one, I’ll return to the conflict in the next one. Thank you so much for your comments and follows, and kudos, they keep me motivated to continue writing this fic. Thanks.

**CHAPTER 19**

**…**

The winds smells of change. It’s a shift in the air that Lexa learnt to distinguish at a very young age and winter amazed her in a way that only few things could. Come morning and a new world will greet them.

The night is quiet, its darkness swallowing every sound that the Army around her make in their expectation. The Trikru Army, _her_ people are the first ones to answer her call, the closest. The Skaikru guards arrive not long after, guided by an iron willed Octavia. There are cheers around her, there is celebration for her victory, and there is a collective eagerness to end with the Ice Nation now that Wanheda has been brought back. But there is also an earnest air that surrounds them, the loss of the Elders is a lost that all of her people are already mourning within, and Clarke sleeps through it all.

Indra is quick to have the Commander’s hut lifted before her own and Lexa stays inside, watching over Clarke after she settles her in their furs carefully. She’d almost argued against Margot’s decision to give Clarke a sleeping tonic but she knew it was best that she recovers through rest.

The walls are thin and she hears her people talk -like she always does when they’re at war and her warriors are filled with anxious energy- as she paces back and forth the small space beside the bed. They call her stronger, braver, and more committed. They say Wanheda’s power is good for her, they say it was Wanheda who guided Lexa to her own rescue, which they are hesitant to call it such. They say Wanheda will guide them to the most glorious battle they have ever been a part of, they vow their lives to her in this life and the next, and they say she’ll give birth to the next Commander and that they’ll be the greatest warrior to ever live. But they are also angry, they’re livid that the Ice Nation dared to attempt against her live and succeeded in killing the Elders. They call this the end of Nia and her Clan as a whole.

Lexa listens to all of this while Octavia and Lincoln worry over Clarke, clean her wounds and change her dirty clothes for new and warmer ones. She sends a young warrior to bring back aloe for the burnt on Clarke’s forehead but she doesn’t apply it herself, Lincoln does and Clarke doesn’t stir, leaving Lexa to find comfort in pressing her thumb on the inside of her wrist every chance she gets. The soft fluttering of her blood pumping through her veins the only thing that keeps her mind focused, while she ignores the sinking feeling on her stomach every time she thinks about what could have happened if she hadn’t been fast enough. Seeing Clarke so still is not something she’s fond of at all.  

Indra has always been impatient and tonight is no different. Lexa is forced to leave the back of her hut, leaving her heart behind the safety of a couple of hung curtains and attend to her duties.

There is so much arguing, there is always so much arguing, but they agree to send out scouts who can confirm the position of the Ice Nation’s Army. Leo already has a party out searching for Nia, notice of Titus arranging the Elders’ funeral comes in the form of a letter and the Podakru are already crossing Trikru lands to join her in this fight.

Midnight comes and Amada’s scouts don’t return, it’ll be a few more hours before Leo’s do. The night seems endless, the hours drag on. Army after Army arrive and Lexa greets each Leader with a sore throat and unbreakable determination. There is no rest, no sleep, not a single moment of peace but Lexa pushes through with the unwavering upfront she’s come to lean on more than she ever thought she could.

It’s only an hour before the morning light breaks through a clouded sky that a single rider closes in on their camp and Lexa is fetched up immediately. The man, not older than herself, is hanging to this life by a thread and he comes carrying two large bags tied around his waist. There is no one else coming and a young Skai boy waves some sort of _tek_ above the bags to make sure that they aren’t being gifted another bomb. The horse is restless and the man takes his last breath when her warriors help him get down.

She sees the blood soaking through the bags seconds before Indra cuts them open and heads start to roll out. The horse sprints away at the sight and though she feels sick to her stomach, Lexa simply breathes in sharply, angrily. The Skai boy, Monty, hurls and falls to his knees, genuine in his disgust and shock.

Amada’s scouts and Pal’s riders, beheaded to send her a message. Leo’s men are not among the dead though and it’s a very small win, but a win nonetheless.

She is forced to explain to the Clans’ Leaders the reason why Pal’s riders are among the dead and it fuels their anger almost as wild as hers has been since the moment she noticed Clarke’s absence back in Polis. They ask for Dita’s life immediately and when Lexa claims that her life belongs to Wanheda, they ask for Ontari’s and then Lein’s, and Lexa doesn’t see a reason to deny them.

…

Consciousness comes accompanied with renewed determination for Clarke. She’s done feeling sorry for herself, their people deserve better than that. The Mountain, the three hundred warriors, Finn, Atom and every other person whose life she’s taken will always be with her and that’s the way she wants it, she doesn’t ever want to forget but it’s also time to move on. The dead are gone and her priority is with the living.

No matter how hard she finds it to still breathe while the memory of the lives she had to sacrifice for her loved ones haunt her every time she closes her eyes, her lungs keep working and the next morning always comes, time doesn’t stand still and it won’t wait for her. Everything changed, it did, but everything stayed the same as well. Their fight for survival, for peace, is not done yet and Clarke wants to live, she wants that future Lexa spoke about.

It’s early in the morning and the weather has dropped considerably since the day before, everything seems more tranquil, more still. She doesn’t know how but she’s almost certain that something is different today, she can smell the beauty in the breeze. Technically, everything is different. She’s waking up in a foreign bed inside of a tent in the middle of the woods for starters, the war she was fearing and that Lexa knew will come is finally here, and the only way to finish it is to fight.

She can hear all the activity outside, signaling the arrival of the armies in the middle of the night and Clarke knows the kind of day today will be. There will be war planning and angry generals unwilling to listen to reason, angry leaders demanding vengeance but above all else, there will be grieving the death of the Elders.

“Hey.” Lexa lifts the curtain separating the bed from the bigger part of the tent and walks inside the makeshift bedroom, carrying a tray in her hand. “I brought you some food.”

The sight of Lexa makes Clarke’s universe shift slightly. There are important things in the world out there, bigger things than life itself, more danger than Clarke has ever known lurks around every corner. They’re in the middle of war, they might not live another day and yet, all she cares about, the most important thing for Clarke is the nervous person bringing her breakfast to bed.

She pushes herself up, hissing at the pain that shoots from the palms of her hands and up her arms, wincing at how heavy her face feels and how exhausting it is to sit. Lexa sets the tray down immediately and rushes to help her, her face filled with concern and she can’t look away. Entranced, she accepts the offered help to accommodate the pillows behind her back and sit up straighter. If it wasn’t for Lexa, Clarke wouldn’t even be here.

Clarke can’t remember the first time she wanted to kiss Lexa, she just knows that this need has been with her for so long that she’s come to see it as just one more of the many needs that surface each day. However, she can recall being a different person the moment their lips met for the first and only time.

It feels like a lifetime ago when they shared a shy kiss in Lexa’s hut, so similar to the one they’re in right now and on the verge of a different war. But her attraction towards the Commander is a bit older than that. Since the day they survived the attack of Pauna, Clarke began to see Lexa from a different angle, under a different light. That day she discovered how human the Commander really was, and perhaps she was attracted to Lexa from the beginning but it was that moment of trust that changed everything between them.

And now, with Lexa softly inspecting the wraps around the palms of her hands, Clarke feels as if she’s finally gotten home. Funny, the way the Ark taught them to see the Earth as their home, the ground was the dream everyone always wished for and no one, not a single person ever told Clarke that she’d find her home in the arms of another person.

It’s the way Lexa looks, so humble and unguarded, she’s freely showing what she feels and it’s heartwarming to see such a strong and breathtakingly beautiful woman look so open in front of her; trusting her. And is this side of Lexa that Clarke fell for first, the hidden faces she keeps seeing in private, the caring and vulnerable parts of her are the ones that Clarke cherishes the most because she knows how lucky she is to see them.

She doesn’t want to hold back anymore, life is too short and they could be dead tomorrow.

“I was so scared to love you.” She confesses, her voice barely above a whisper, but Lexa hears the words and her hands still. Scared eyes, encircled by black war paint, stare fearfully back at her. She’s been terrified of the thought of losing Lexa all along and seeing her fight Dita was eye opening. She’s loved Lexa for longer than she thought.

She pulls and Lexa obliges, sitting closer next to her, as close as she can get.

“Are you scared now?” Lexa breathes out and takes a deep breath to hold it back. Leaning forward Clarke runs her fingertips on the corner of Lexa’s mouth, caressing the outline of her bottom lip and smiles lovingly when Lexa takes another shuddering breath.

Clarke is frightened to love her, to love her as fervently as she does. She’s survived so much already and every event has brought her here, to Lexa. Somehow Clarke is sure that losing Lexa will be her end and they haven’t even begun.

Lexa still smells like the woods and something sweet and alluring. Clarke feels lightheaded to have her this close and not be able to taste that scent.

“I’m terrified.” She admits and Lexa looks beautiful in her understanding. Her hair is up, her braids a little loose but it adds to her grace. The war paint reminds Clarke of the first time they met, of the unbreakable force she is, of all the strength that she loves just as much as she loves her softness.

Lexa sighs, her hands squeezing Clarke’s elbows where she’s finding her balance, her thumbs caressing her skin lightly, soothingly, oblivious to how badly she’s shaking.

Her mouth suddenly dry, Clarke closes her eyes and listens to her own heartbeat, strong and rapid, like the constant stride of a horse. She can feel every injury, every cut, every punch she took the day before but here, in Lexa’s arms, everything else just feels foreign, numbed.

When she opens her eyes she’s met with Lexa’s staring pleadingly into hers and she moves her hands, takes a hold of Lexa’s nape and softly pulls her even closer until they’re breathing the same air before bringing their lips together in a soft kiss.

Clarke closes her eyes as soon as their lips touch and for a moment the world itself disappears, there is no Ice Nation, no Elders, no Mountain, no war, and no fear; there is only them and this kiss, and this love that only seems to grow with each passing second.

The kiss doesn’t evolve into anything more than a press of lips and Lexa pulls back too quickly for Clarke’s liking, but when she opens her eyes and finds two single tears rolling down Lexa’s cheeks she knows that this is real, it’s always been real and Lexa’s emotions are too big too contained, as are hers.

The next kiss is firmer, this time Lexa’s lips don’t stay still, no; this time she captures Clarke’s lower lip between her own and sucks on it gently, sweetly and oh so carefully, as if afraid to put too much pressure. This kiss is different from the two kisses they’ve shared so far and from all the kisses they’ve ever shared with anyone else as well.

Tilting her head to the right Lexa’s lips switch to capture Clarke’s upper one as Clarke’s hands move from her cheeks to bury in her luscious hair, her fingernails scratching her scalp as the Commander tries to find something else to hold onto without touching any tender spot on her body.

Lexa’s lips are full, soft and delicious to kiss, deliriously addictive. But Clarke pulls back after her lungs scream in agony at the lack of oxygen and she finds Lexa’s eyes closed, her lips slightly lavished and her hair a lovely mess from where her hands were gripping it.

“Clarke.” Lexa pants out, her hands returning to grasp Clarke’s arms, both pulling each other closer but still wary of the injuries standing in their way.

With Lexa’s mouth so close to hers, Clarke can’t help to kiss her again and this time the kiss evolves into something new and exciting. This time Lexa’s tongue meets hers, eliciting a moan for the first time as well and it serves to confirm just how addictive they can be for each other when they refuse to pull apart after long seconds have passed.

Her arms locked around Lexa’s neck, Clarke’s lungs feel about to explode but none of that matters when Lexa’s shy tongue enters her mouth and she greets it with a light suck that makes Lexa’s entire body shudder and leaves them both wanting more when they finally pull back for much needed air.

“This is real.” Clarke accentuates her words with a hard tap of her fingers on Lexa’s sternum.

“This has always been real.” Lexa corrects her and pecks her lips hesitantly before finally pulling back completely, breathlessly and in need of space to control herself. This can’t evolve into something else, not today.  

As Lexa picks up the tray from the floor Clarke observes her, still short of breath herself. They’ve wasted so much time, they could have been doing this for weeks if things were different.

But things aren’t different and Clarke surveys the new, clean wrappings over her hands, touches the one around her neck and the fresh but dull sensation on her forehead where Dita burnt her. Her legs are sore and the back of her head hurts when she presses her fingertips on her scalp. She almost died yesterday and this is the reality they live in.  

“Thanks.” Clarke eyes the food after Lexa settles the tray on her lap and scoots close, a cup of water firmly held on her hand.

“You need to eat.” Lexa’s free hand rests easily on Clarke’s knee and this proximity feels calming, a treat before the Commander says whatever it’s on her mind.

“Have you eaten?” Clarke chews on a piece of meat and holds back the sinful moan that threatens to leave her mouth. She’s ravenous but Lexa’s stare is unwavering as she looks at her forehead.

“No.” She shakes her head, her eyes anxiously studying Clarke’s face where bruises paint the skin left and right. “I will have something later.”

“Eat with me.”

The reproach never leaves Lexa’s mouth and Clarke is glad for the following moments of peaceful silence while they share the food. There is a lot in Lexa’s mind, Clarke can see it and she understands it. Hundreds of people surround the hut they’re in, Clarke is certain that the Armies arrived during the night and she remembers how exhausting it was for Lexa to deal with the Leaders of the Clans the last time they were gathered.

Their kiss probably isn’t helping Lexa keep a clear head either and if it wasn’t for the war paint, Clarke knows that she’d be able to see the bags under her eyes, caused by tiredness and worrisome alone.

“How are you feeling?” The Commander asks after Clarke takes the last sip of water from the cup.

“Not terrible.” She stares at her hands and Lexa wastes no time in picking them up and pressing her lips softly on her knuckles.

“Lincoln cleaned the wounds after you fell asleep. Margot and Octavia removed the stained clothes.” Lexa explains innocently as Clarke tries to get a hold of her racing heart. There were so many doubts a few days ago and now she can’t remember one.

“Lincoln is here?”

“Yes. Every Clan has answered my call. We are expected to gather in an hour to plan our next move with the Leaders.”

She knows wars don’t just happen, people don’t decide to just fight one morning and be done with it by dinner time. Wars take planning, agreements, strategies and apparently her presence is wanted.

“Octavia?”

“Handling the Command of your warriors like she was born to do it.” Smiling, Clarke takes Lexa’s other hand but if they were to get any closer they’d be atop of each other.

“Lein and Ontari?” Lexa pauses, takes a deep breath and her eyes stray towards the curtain that grants them privacy for the time being.

“They live, though not for long.”

“Are you going to kill them?”

The silence between them falls heavy and Lexa sets the tray aside before facing Clarke again with a bit of trepidation. But the lines that were there before have vanished and Clarke has no reason to stop herself from reaching out and taking Lexa’s hands this time.

“The punishment for what Lein, Dita and Ontari did to you, is death.”

“I know.”

Instinctively, Lexa darts closer, hands scurrying past the barrier of furs to rest on Clarke’s waist in an attempt to keep eye contact unbroken and because any distance between them feels unnatural after what happened, unwanted.

“Forgive me, Clarke.” She vehemently pleads, eyebrows twitching and jaw setting as she struggles to breathe through the knot around her throat.

Taken aback, Clarke can only stare as her hands go still on Lexa’s upper arms. For a minute she wonders if Lexa is apologizing for having to kill the Azgeda warriors and Princess, but Clarke knew their fate was sealed the moment they attacked the Tower and they didn’t simply kidnapped her, they attacked the Capitol, they started a war and took lives already.  

“Oh, Lexa.” She gasps at the same time that the brunette takes a long shallow breath and her throat bobs up and down in an attempt to stop the tears from flowing freely. “You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I said I’d keep you safe and look at what - ” Her eyes snap up to her forehead, where the burnt mark continues to paint an angry red on her skin and a scar will remain forever.

“This is not your fault.” Clarke firmly says, throbbing hands cupping Lexa’s face and forcing her to look into her eyes instead of the scar above them. “You are a great Commander, Lexa. They tricked us and you got me back.”

“If anything were to happen to you, I wouldn’t live, Clarke. I wouldn’t know how.” Her voice shatters and her eyes water fast, sending a wave of panic running through Clarke’s body and her heart into overdrive. These tears are so different from the ones she saw before and it breaks her to witness so much pain.

“Lexa.” Her own voice breaks and her tears are faster to roll down her cheeks. “None of this is your fault. We knew what they wanted and we tried to be ready.”

“They will pay with their lives for hurting you.” Lexa vows severely, tears turning into anger and decisiveness.

The moment she sees it, Clarke can’t ignore it. She sees the moment heart overpowers head and Lexa, the Commander, the most powerful person on the ground turns vengeful instead of keen. This is war, and while Lexa has twelve armies at her disposition, a wrongful decision can still result in her downfall. This is what Lexa meant when she said _love is weakness_ , not love itself but what love turns a person into. She recalls the moment Lexa fought Dita and how deadly she looked, how wild and driven, no one could have stopped her at that moment and with blind rage dominating her, no one can ever come close to.

“You can’t do that.” She opposes immediately and wipes out the tears from Lexa’s high cheekbones with her thumbs. “Nia has to die and I know Dita and the rest have to be punished too, but the people from the Ice Nation are your people and we are not wiping them out.”  

“I don’t plan to.” Lexa denies just as quick. “I hold no resentment towards the Ice Nation as a Clan, Clarke, just their Queen and I won’t stop until she’s dead.”

It goes unsaid that she won’t hesitate to kill anyone and everyone who stands in her way but they both hear it in the heavy silence.

“This isn’t personal.” Clarke tries.

“But of course it is! It’s always been. She made it that way.”

“No, it’s not.” Clarke insists and to her relief, Lexa doesn’t move away or recoils from her in anyway. She simply sets her jaw and stops herself from rolling her eyes before she brings her eyes up again. “I know it feels personal and Nia wants you to think that, she wants you angry and irrational because that gives her the upper hand.”

“Clarke.” Lexa begs harshly, teeth gritting, hands squeezing Clarke’s waist almost painfully.

“You have to lead with your head now more than ever. Outside of this tent your warriors await for you and they have no personal matter with the Queen, and that’s the mindset you need going in.”

“It is personal!” Lexa shakes her, her voice raising for the outsiders to hear before she drops it low but no less harsh. “Don’t ask me to separate you from my mind. You are my mind! And you are my heart. Any decision I make on the battlefield will be with the purpose of keeping you safe and unharmed because _you are my people_.”

Baffled, Clarke presses her lips to the corner of Lexa’s lips firmly and she feels hands move up her ribs and around her. Will there ever be a day when Lexa stops surprising her?

“I’m asking you to lead the armies with your head, so you can come back to me. In the meantime I’ll keep your heart safe.” Clarke asks softly against Lexa’s ear, content to feel the strong arms of the woman she loves around her.

“I’ll always find my way back to you.” Lexa promises, pulling back slightly, just enough to be able to look in Clarke’s eyes.

“You better.” Clarke jokes, tears gathering in her eyes again. “You take my heart wherever you go and I think I might need it to survive.”

Lexa closes the gap between their lips and kisses Clarke tenderly, but deeply. The warmth of Lexa’s mouth pulls at the strings of her heart and Clarke kisses her back just as fervently, just as devotedly.

“Head over heart.” Lexa promises. “I won’t be foolish.”

…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come say hi on tumblr if you wish. Rebeliz777.


	20. Overwatch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up being way too long so I decided to cut it into two, so you’ll be receiving the other half tomorrow afternoon. Thanks for reading this guys.

 

**CHAPTER 20**

**…**

Body sore and mind exhausted, Clarke still has to get out of bed and get ready to meet with the Clans’ Leaders. Her maidens have stayed in Polis and though Lexa can get anyone in here to help Clarke with her clothes and war paint, she decides to do it herself.

At first Clarke expects to feel shy and bashful at having Lexa helping her out of her sleeping robe and into a pair of wear out jeans, but Lexa speaks through it all and the words coming out of her mouth are far more important than a little apprehension.

She finds out that her mother and friends are somewhere in the camp installing a medical tent, and that riders already left for Camp Jaha to retrieve medicine and supplies Abby deems necessary to have nearby. The Podakru Clan’s army has left for the Mountain where they’ll make sure no one goes in as a precaution. Lexa tells her about Leo’s riders and their return hours after midnight with news about the Azgeda Army’s position and Nia’s place with them; she shivers when Lexa explains how large Nia’s Army actually is and how long a battle is ahead of them.

Clarke focuses on Lexa’s eyes as the Commander helps her into a long shirt that falls a little over her knees and resembles a dress more than anything, but Lexa is respectful and considerate when so much skin displays in front of her even after the new development in their relationship. She’s careful not to touch Clarke, not even gracing her skin accidentally.

She has to clear her throat before speaking again though and if this were another time, Clarke would crack a smile at how nervous Lexa looks, even more so than Clarke herself and she’s the one who was half naked seconds ago.

“But they’re not moving. They are waiting.” Lexa continues where she left of, referring to the Azgeda Army and their immobile position.

“What is Nia waiting for?” Clarke sits and Lexa retrieves the war paint.

“I have something of hers, she knows I won’t make the first move now.”

“Dita.” Clarke whispers in recognition. To be true, she wasn’t expecting Nia to care at all. As Princess, Dita must count with some kind of support in her Clan as well though, and Nia is an strategist, she wouldn’t leave in the air the chance for an uprising from within because she didn’t try to bring back home her only daughter, even if that painted Lexa as a heartless villain in their eyes. “She wants you to negotiate.”

“My offer is simple and she’ll do well in taking it.”

Lexa’s fingers are soft and secure when she applies the war paint on her face and Clarke remains still and with her eyes closed, even when Lexa pauses for a moment before rounding the wound on her forehead. The anger that emanates from Lexa every time her eyes catch the scar is not hard to miss.

“Tell me your plan.” Clarke coaxes, eyes searching for Lexa’s until they focus on her instead of the constant reminder of Dita on her skin. But instead of speaking, the first thing Lexa does is kiss her forehead with vehemence. A silent apology, a mute promise to never let this happen again.

Lexa’s plan is not complicated and after learning of Nia’s exact location, she’s already set it in motion. But together they polish her idea, neither one of them wanting to face the rest of the Leaders without a clear view of their intention.

“There’s something I want to show you after the meeting.” Lexa smiles softly after they’ve reached an agreement and Clarke grows giddy at the idea of a surprise, but never thinks of questioning Lexa about it.

…

Lexa is securing a pair of gloves on Clarke’s injured hands when Abby nervously lifts one side of the curtain and finds them both sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Mom.” Clarke gasps as soon as the curtain falls closed again and Lexa subtly steps back, ignoring the distrusting look the Chancellor throws her way for the moment. Abby is crying by the time she sits on the spot Lexa was just occupying and wraps her arms around Clarke desperately.

Mother and daughter speak in rushed whispers and Lexa sensitively leaves, granting them their much needed privacy.

The day is much brighter on the other side of the curtain, though colder and her guards stand dutifully just outside of the hut wearing thick fur coats and leather boots that are probably not enough to counter back the freezing weather.

She refuses to think of what’s to come but it’s all she can do, she knows well that the future is unpredictable, even her own plans can fail and she must focus on the alternatives.

She never truly enjoyed the political aspect of being Heda, not that it stopped her from excelling at it, Titus always made sure she knew what she was up against. Fighting an enemy is much easier than consider the aspects of a government and the way her actions affect her own laws. She does not want to see the Azgeda Clan perish after this war is over.

“Heda.” Indra enters the hut, long coat dragging around her feet as she moves to stand by the generous table installed in the center, where maps of the Trikru lands extend open for everyone to see.

“Indra. Are the warriors settling in?”

“Yes, Heda. They await the chance to prove their worth eagerly.”

She limits herself to nod, hands gripping each other behind her back as she nears her seat at the table. Her throne remains back in Polis, though she’s certain that Titus will have it delivered any minute now. He worries with the face she shows way too much. She doesn’t need her throne to command and there are matters far more important than having her throne around but the day when she refuses Titus’ advice is yet to come.

Soon, the rest of the Clans’ Leaders and Generals begin to enter her hut and the air turns heavy with their summed pent up anger and restlessness. Everyone is impatient to end this as quickly as possible, Nia has been looking for this for a long time and now that the time is here, no one wants to make her wait another day.

When every Leader is inside and impatiently waiting for her word, Lexa steps aside and steps behind the curtains to fetch Clarke.

“Is everyone here?” Clarke is on her feet and her mother is helping her with her coat, there are no more tears in sight. The neck of the fur -gold like color- coat is thick and it covers the bandages around her neck neatly, the white gloves hide her bandaged hands and the war paint masks the bruises on her face, though the burnt scar remains untouched and for everyone to see. No one will be able to tell that Clarke is hurting beneath her clothes but they all know she was taken, and beaten and marked, just like they all know that she escaped Dita’s hands on her own and that Lexa found her in the woods.

Stepping closer Lexa grabs Clarke’s elbows to close the distance between them and Clarke’s hands come to rest near her chest, they’re almost embracing each other and it feels as if they’ve been holding one another like this for a long time and not a recent evolution in their interactions. She’s not sure how they got here but she’s immensely grateful that she doesn’t have to hold back on her wish to touch Clarke anymore.

“Everyone is waiting. Is colder out there.” She worriedly rubs Clarke’s arms and her lips find Clarke’s forehead unconsciously in a soft kiss in what’s starting to become a habit.

“I’m okay.” Clarke’s hands cup her face now, safe and secure, the tips of her fingers teasing at the corners of her lips. “Let’s get out there.”

Both pointedly ignore Abby’s surprise at their interaction and taking her hand, Lexa carefully guides Clarke out.

…

The silence turns into surprise when they walk out from behind the curtains and the surprise turns into devotion in the blink of an eye. Lexa watches in astonishment as each Leader takes a knee for Clarke, for Wanheda, and they do it without hesitation. Seeing the Ambassadors doing this back in Polis wasn’t surprising, they were doing what was expected of them but these are the Clans’ Leaders and they all believe in Clarke, their faith is completely entrusted in her.  It scares Lexa just as much as it makes her proud.

Lexa locks eyes with Clarke and she wishes to say so much but she simply guides her to their seats at the head of the table. They are right, they are all right in trusting Clarke, because she’s so strong and she will never choose to leave them behind, no matter the odds or the cost.

“Rise.” Lexa commands and she doesn’t miss the pleased look on Kane’s eyes as he stands back up, or Octavia’s determined look in her eyes, or even Indra’s proud but concealed shine on her stare.

Clarke doesn’t take her seat, nor does she play around. She takes control of the meeting just like everyone was expecting her to and Lexa sees how Clarke’s self-confidence has flourished in the short time they’ve been together. Clarke is an excellent player, she owns the title she’s been given as if she was born into it and not stumbled upon it recently.

She hears everyone speak loudly of their wish to see Nia dead patiently and she is quick to shut down every attempt against her prisoners’ lives. Lexa gladly supports her, and then she exposes their plan to everyone, but it’s not she the one who convinces the Leaders of playing their parts in the big plan, Clarke takes care of that with a quick tongue and even quicker intellect.

And somehow she manages to do it all without putting down Lexa’s authority at all.

But Amada’s second, Myra, who is filling in as her Defense Advisor, is more than adapt to go head to head with Clarke and point out every weak spot and every opening they leave behind for counterattack. Every time she does so, she offers a solution though and the more she speaks, the more Lexa realizes why Amada chose her as her second. But Myra isn’t the only one with suggestions or questions.

In all the years she’s been Heda, Lexa has never been a part of such an organized meeting with the Clans’ Leaders. So when Clarke gives way to an open conversation where everyone debates the better route to take the plan into fruition -taking in account what’s already being done as they speak- and no one jumps into any immediate fights, she can only stare in awe for long minutes.

“Heda?” Leo raises his eyebrows at her direction and she moves to stand by his side, running her hand on the map and pointing at the river, one of the most pivotal place in their plan. “When do we move?”

“Have your riders confirm the Azgeda gonakru location one last time.” He accepts his order quickly and Lexa turns her stare to the Leaders.

She never wanted this. She never wanted to march accompanied by thousands of warriors to meet the Army of one of the Clans. She never wanted her people to pay for the mistakes and blind greed of only one woman.

“The Ice Nation didn’t always cast a shadow upon us. The Elders spoke of Nia’s mother in high spirits. They always remembered how generous the Azgeda kru was, though they had little. How determined to move forward, how loyal to their lands and to their Queen they always were. How uniquely optimistic and happy they were. Hard people to know -they used to say- but good. They understood the benefits of living away from the constant disagreements our history is known for.”

Speaking of the Elders results much more tender than she thought it would. They are irreplaceable and their death was merely used as the means to an end. It angers her to no end but it also saddens her because she’s just beginning to understand how far gone Nia truly is.

“With time we’ve learnt to ignore their good traits but that doesn’t mean they are not there anymore. Nia rules with fear and uses tricks to keep her people compliant. That ends today, we won’t let her destroy what our ancestors fought so hard to build.”

Coming full circle around the table, Lexa stands once again by Clarke’s side and remembers her words from almost a month ago and this time she _feels_ them, this time she wants nothing more than to make everyone else feel them.

“The Ice Nation will live on under the rule of a legitimate heir. We will spare the innocent, as for Nia and the ones who refuse to see reason. _Jus drein, jus daun_.”

…

Leaders, Advisors and Generals move at Lexa’s orders, they are to be ready to go within a few hours and there is much to do.

Clarke takes a sit as soon as they’re left alone and Lexa is by her side in the blink of an eye. Ideally, she’d prefer to leave Clarke out of this war completely, safe under the care of her best warriors but Wanheda has grown too big of a symbol and Clarke is stronger than she seems. 

“I really hope this works.” Clarke worries and gone is the bravado that was her shield during the meeting with the Leaders but Lexa loves this soft face just as much as she loves the stone cold one.

“It’s a good plan. It’ll work.”

“What if she doesn’t bite? What do we do then?”

As always, Clarke voices her biggest concern and it surprises Lexa too much. Sometimes she feels as if her mind and Clarke’s follow a single path and they connect on one too many thoughts at once.

Nia isn’t exactly known for her compassion but there is no doubt in Lexa’s mind that she will take the deal they will offer as long as she believes she’ll walk away unharmed. She has to.

“She will. But I’m afraid she’ll wait too long.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Many lives will be lost and the Ice Nation will never be the same after the fight that is coming. Her Coalition will forever change and the outcome depends on only her. This is their way, this has always been their way. War is not taken lightly, war forces results, war shapes their history. This is who they are, Lexa knows it and yet, she hesitates because war almost cost her Clarke once and she isn’t sure if she’ll survive to lose her.

After she allowed the Ice Nation to join her Coalition, Lexa always knew that this day will come. Nia always intended to incite a war where she could prove herself to be fit to rule the Coalition that Lexa forged and is legitimate to Command. This war was merely waiting to be fought and she knows Nia won’t take expense of her losses.

“What was it that you wanted to show me?” Clarke breaks her out of her thoughts and she huffs a laugh. What is the purpose of so much death and hurting if there is never any retribution? Time is always here and she just has to make the most of what she’s given.

“Come with me.”

Before they leave the hut, Lexa fixes Clarke’s coat around her throat and covers her ears with her long hair, making sure that she’ll be as protected from the cold as she can possibly be. Not that Clarke will care after she sees what’s out there.

“You’re making me nervous.” Clarke confesses and though everything about her exudes power, from her clothes to the scars and the war paint, Lexa has learnt to see into her blue eyes and read hundreds of unsaid words each time.

“I’m just glad to be showing you this.”

With a puzzled look Clarke accepts the hand that Lexa is offering and is guided outside. And then she stops, stumbling as she does so and Lexa has to stifle her laughter at the adorable look on the blonde’s face.

The amazement in Clarke’s eyes can’t be denied and Lexa lets her take their surroundings in and patiently waits by her side.

The first wave of snow fell hours after midnight and it was over a few short minutes after it began. The next one came only an hour before morning and it’s remained a constant rain of sorts in the day since. With the snow a new light is present as well, a new color seems to paint the world and everything seems brighter than usual.

Lexa is not particularly fond of the winter. She was taught to hunt and train, and she’s accustomed to constant movement and this particular season doesn’t allow much for either of those activities. But seeing this day through Clarke’s eyes is making her notice things that she never saw before. The little flakes floating down are truly magical to watch, even more so when Clarke tries to catch them with her fingers in the air and her laughter flies freely through them.

“This is so beautiful.” She gasps, smile ever present in her lips and hands still reaching out as if she’d be able to catch the flakes and keep them.

Around them, the warriors watch and there are smiles in their faces instead of judgmental stares. This is what they fight for, for a little bit of happiness, for a little bit of joy, for a little bit of love. How is she only understanding this?

Life _is_ about more than just surviving. They deserve better, all of her people deserve better and she is selfless in her wishes for them, has been from the beginning. But she is also selfish in her wish to deserve better too because she wants to live now more than ever.

“It is.” She agrees, eyes taking in everything that Clarke is in this moment and committing it to memory. The blonde is still eying her surrounding with awe in her eyes, she smiles and when her feet cause a crunching noise on the ground below her boots, she takes several more steps, her delight at this new experience only growing.

“I never thought I’d be able to see this.” She grins, her gleeful stare turning on Lexa and locking her in. They forget that they were planning a war just minutes prior and that Clarke might have never been able to see this if Nia’s plan had worked. “It’s snow, Lexa! It’s snowing!”

“It is.” Lexa smiles back and crouches down to pick a small snowball in her gloved hands. Clarke’s eyes turn even brighter at the thought of picking up a snowball and Lexa thinks that she won’t be able to hold back another second without kissing those smiling lips.

“Let’s go back inside.” She suggests, and teeth chattering slightly, Clarke accepts.

“I thought it couldn’t get any colder though.” She muses and once inside their hut she hurries to stand by the candles with Lexa following close behind.

“This is only the first snow of the winter. Long months are ahead of us, colder too.”

“It’s so beautiful though.” Clarke smiles again and when she turns Lexa is smiling adoringly at her.

Feeling shy all of the sudden, Clarke steps closer, her hand instinctively grasping the back of Lexa’s neck before delicately inching her down, their eyes never breaking contact in case either one of them wants to stop this.

But they’re smiling by the time their lips finally touch and their eyelids fall shut. And the warm feeling that spreads through their chests the moment they’re tentatively kissing is one they wish to keep forever intact.

…

The order to move comes hours later and by then all sense of peace has successfully washed away.

…

_Jus drein, jus daun_ = Blood must have blood.

…

 


	21. Legacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is graphic violence scenes in this one, so please be cautious about reading.

**CHAPTER 21**

…

The world has been painted white overnight. From the pick of the highest mountains to the grass on the ground, a faint layer of snow covers every corner of the otherwise green woods of Trikru lands. Winter is comfortably settled and one wouldn’t know that it’s just barely beginning.

A large clearing expands on the skirts of one of the smallest mountains closest to the river, the stream of water the only living thing that breaks the silence in the early morning. Tall, proud trees stand to the west and north of the clearing, snow covered leaves fluttering small flakes into the air as the wind picks up and then settles down again. Across the river, two cages sit still, set barely on the other side of the wide trunks.

Inside one of the cages, the Ice Princess shivers and grips the iron bars as she focuses on her surroundings instead of the prickling cold that makes her bones ache and twist. On the cage a few feet away from hers Ontari pulls at the iron bars, hoping that they’ll give or maybe just trying to keep her mind away from the fact that they’re sitting in the snow without their coats or gloves, exposed to the freezing weather like animals left to die.

…

The sudden sense of relief at seeing her most valued asset come back is short lived. Lein has arrived atop a lone horse, unconscious and battered, carrying a letter that offers mercy on a little bag tied close to her chest.

Nia ignores the letter for a while, happy to let her anger grow and consume her whole by sitting close to Lein’s bed and watch the damage that’s been done. Her little girl has been patched up, only kept alive to deliver this message.

Lexa is giving her the opportunity to retreat her forces, send them back to the Ice Nation where they’ll wait for her decision and only asks for her head to answer for the Elders’ murder and Wanheda’s kidnap. So weak, so foolish. Whoever thought this _goufa_ could lead them all? Whoever believed that she is worthy of being the vessel?

Merciful and peaceful Heda, putting her people above all else once again, asking only for Nia’s life in return, hoping to spare the Ice Nation army as a whole. _Asking and hoping_.

Laughing, she steps out of the hut they’ve prepared for Lein and holds the letter in a tight grip above her head. Her warriors are hungry for blood and Lexa is a child in love.

“Lexa asks us to surrender.” She mocks and laughter bubbles up quickly among her men. “She asks us to return to the Ice Nation and hide behind our walls while she sits on her throne and decides our fate.”

Angry roars rise up, her warriors are loyal and proud, and they won’t back down from this fight. Lexa’s offer will only serve to insult them. Nia needs them angry, she needs them willing and hateful. There is no going back, there is no forgiveness for what she’s already done and though her plans fell through, she always knew that she wouldn’t be able to stop. So she won’t.

“Lexa asks us to run like cowards and kneel before her, beg for our lives and pay with our pride.” She doesn’t even need to win this war, she just needs to take two lives and the rest will fall rightfully in place. “Pride she doesn’t know the meaning of.” Her voice takes on a vicious tone. “Pride she gave up when she let us have her precious lover’s head without retaliation.”

A few cruel snickers join her malicious chuckle as she burns the letter that communicates clearly how she could be the only one who dies today and burns to ashes the true nature of her actions.

“Let us make our futures brighter!” Her voice -loud and ringing- is met with the slash of swords being pulled out of their holsters after hers. A silent promise to follow her until the end. “Let us make our lands prosperous again. Let us make this world great again! Let us kill the coward who can’t defend herself, much less a whole nation. Let us show them where the crown truly belongs. Let us win this war!”

…

Much like the Commander, _Skaifaya_ stands immobile with his eyes focused on the North, watching as the Azgeda Army marches towards them. It’s a large army but not larger than the Twelve Clans’ armies together. Lexa knows to not underestimate the Azgeda warriors though.

To her right, Clarke caresses the mane of Sky’s neck and pushes a button of a device meant to send a signal to announce the arrival of the Azgeda army. Behind them a few Skai guards stand nervously gripping their guns and looking like they’d rather be anywhere else than in the middle of war. They’d never know how much she sympathizes with the feeling.

The device on Clarke’s hand beeps two times, the warriors behind the trees to the east confirming their signal and ready to fight. The three beeps announcing the confirmation of the Skaikru behind the cages and across the river comes a few moments later.

When the Azgeda Gonakru steps into the clearing and the cages enter their line of vision, they come to a halt at once. Nia is not riding a horse but rather she’s being carried inside of a small carriage that remains in the back of her lines. And Lexa can’t understand how so many capable warriors accept to fight and die for a woman who is not willing to fight and die for them.

The Ice Queen exits her white carriage when she’s put down with utmost care and her eyes lock instantly with Lexa’s on top of the hill. The Queen doesn’t even wear armor and silently, Lexa vows to not let that woman near a position of power ever again.

“I trust you received my letter.” Lexa speaks, her voice carrying out without a problem thanks to the vast silence that threatens to swallow them all.

“Azgeda is not made of cowards!” Nia spits out and she’s not the only one glaring. Lexa notices the implanted hate in the Ice warriors directed at her and her heart aches because like their Queen, they too believe the words that leave her mouth with an unbreakable conviction.

“Then we shall let the iron decide.” Lexa announces.

“I offer you the same thing, Lexa.” Nia unscrupulously says and Lexa has to hold back the incredulous look she wants to give the older woman. “I want only Wanheda’s head after all.”

With Nia’s eyes straying towards Clarke, Lexa is unable to hide her anger and the smirk on Nia’s lips when she looks back at her is enough to make her want to borrow a gun from the man to her left and shoot the Queen at once. But unlike the older woman, Lexa won’t win this fight with treacheries.

But then Clarke’s soft, mocking laughter reaches her ears and when their eyes meet, Lexa knows that this is just another trick. _Nia wants you to think this is personal._ As always, Clarke is one step ahead of her.

“You already tried to take it and you failed.” She reminds the Queen instead, absorbing all the confidence she can from her love, and if she can’t hide the small smirk on her lips, she doesn’t regret it because Nia looks positively seething and suddenly the tables are turned. “Like I said.” She continues immediately. “We shall let the iron decide. Unless you wish to show us all how powerful you truly are.”

Nia’s eyes widen comically now but Lexa is not done. “Your daughter and the assassin you sent to Polis are in the cages across the river.” The Azgeda warriors grow loud at hearing her words, upset that their Princess is a prisoner but Nia’s eyes don’t stray even once towards the direction of the cages. “Take them. If you can.”

“Careful now, Lexa.” Nia warns, teeth showing in a snarl, obviously knowing what Lexa is referring to. “This wouldn’t be fair at all if I were to show you the real me.”

Lexa smirks, her eyes never leaving those of her long time enemy. How noble that Nia chooses to show _fair_ in battle. An honorable treat in the eyes of her warriors indeed.

“What’s the matter?” Clarke intervenes. “It’s a small river, not too wide or deep. Someone as powerful as you won’t have any trouble with walking right through it.”

…

Despite knowing that a trap is awaiting for her, Nia sends only one of her warriors to the river, if only to satiate her curiosity as well. The young man doesn’t hesitate in obeying her order and it takes a while for him to cross the clearing before a single Skai girl walks out from behind the trees and stands on the other side of the river and waits.

He stops looking for a gun on the girl but when he sees none he breaks into a run, his feet splashing in the water, and Harper pulls out a stun stick and lights it up before touching the water with its tip calmly. The electricity vibrates down the water aggressively and the man standing in the middle of the river shakes violently before dropping unconscious.

“What sorcery is this?!” Nia demands to know, fear written clearly on her face as silence overtakes her army.

“No sorcery at all.” Lexa replies steadily, though her hands grip the ropes of her horse tighter in preparation. “Tek that the Skaikru provides for the Coalition now.”

Her warriors look at the water in apprehension now, none wanting to suffer the same fate as their brother. The anger though, can almost be touched.

“But you are more powerful than all of us, are you not?” Lexa taunts, firm in her wish to make the Ice warriors open her eyes once and for all. “Cross the river by yourself and show us all how strong you really are. Your daughter awaits for you.”

Angered and internally humiliated, Nia doesn’t answer back but instead gives the order to attack.

…

The Azgeda army charges forward and the armies of the Clans do as well. The lines of archers quickly take aim towards the hill, barely giving Lexa and Clarke any time to back away before arrows fly and penetrate the ground they were just standing on.

“Go back.” Lexa orders the Skai guards and they run down to cross the river and join their Clan. But Clarke stays back for a moment longer, her eyes pleading as she looks at Lexa and Sky grows uneasy.

“I’ll come for you.” Lexa promises, _Skaifaya_ too nervous to stand still and circling around Clarke.

“Now, go!”

They don’t say goodbye, they don’t wish each other good luck. They are not dying today.

Lexa stays until Clarke crosses the river and dismounts Sky, and she’s sees how she’s immediately handed a gun which she confidently takes. Their eyes meet across the distance and Lexa nods, knowing well that the Skaikru won’t be using their guns until it’s absolutely necessary to defend themselves in case the Azgeda try to cross the river again. The bullets can catch anyone in the chaos of a fight, Clarke had explained and she digs her hills on _Skaifaya’s_ sides.

…

She’s not on the front lines but it doesn’t take her long before she’s riding into the heart of the battle. The smell of blood already perpetuates the air, making her nostrils flare and her stomach to twitch uncomfortably inside. Jumping down from her horse she comes face to face with a young woman, Azgeda, who dives into a series of attacks with her long spear as soon as she sees Lexa. The sharp tip of the spear catches the side of her armor and Lexa swings one blow on the woman’s neck, effectively killing her.

Fights unravel everywhere around her, blood of battles she’s not fighting splashes on her hair and back, wild sharp iron flies through her eyes wherever she looks. Riders pass by her on their horses so rapidly and the only thing she can do is raise her sword higher to protect herself if an attack comes her way.

It’s absolute chaos, all lines have been broken and everyone fights with one thought alone in their heads, survive.

Her feet steady on the ground the Commander turns at all different directions, somehow lost among all the fighting that surrounds her. Spears rip through armor as if it were made of paper, swords break in half and shields fall the ground. Hammers the size of a horse’s head swing so closely to her chest that she almost misses it before it finds its target and slams on the side of a warrior’s cheek.

Half of the Azgeda army remains behind, protecting their Queen and by her orders, four of the armies on her command remain behind the trees as well. They will not be fighting unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Blood from a close fight splashes on her face in time for a man to come surging towards her, but Lexa’s stoicism prevails and she pushes forward as well, clashing her sword with his and rounding on her place to connect her elbow in his eye quickly before impaling her sword on his neck from side to side.

She shudders as his eyes roll back but a scream from a close enemy has her on high alert and she rolls on the ground just as a new opponent strikes. Her sword forgotten, Lexa picks the first thing she sees from the ground, not noticing that is a simple stick as the woman quickly invades her. The stick breaks in half as soon as the sword touches it and Lexa is thankfully fast enough to move her head to the side before the blade fastens to the ground.

Without a second to spare, Lexa wraps her legs around the woman’s torso and rolls them over, and using the broken piece of stick she pierces through the woman’s neck with gritted teeth and trying to ignore the suckling sickening sound of the woman gargling on her own blood.

But this fight is only just beginning and she doesn’t have time to think about anything before she’s jumping on her feet and avoiding getting a spear right through her chest. This boy is much younger than she is, though his hand shows just how familiar he is with the weapon on his hold. The glint in his eyes tells Lexa what she already knows, that Nia offered a great reward to whoever kills her on the battlefield.

Grunts, screams and the sound of skin being ripped apart fill her ears, but she doesn’t step back as he circles her, stalking her to see if there is a weakness that he can play on his favor. Without a weapon on her hands, Lexa waits until he makes the first move and when he does, he’s not half as clever as he thinks he is. She is Heda for a reason and they will all do well to remember it.

His posture reveals his intention early and Lexa jumps back just in time for his spear to hit the ground close to her feet. With a kick she breaks the spear in two and his mild shock gives her enough time to retrieve a fallen sword from the ground and rip through the armor of his chest and all the way through him. He grips her arms as blood floods from his wound, his nails digging on her skin as he spits more blood.

Pain like she hasn’t felt before suddenly rips through her back and she falls forward, taking the boy with her and sticking her sword deeper inside of his chest. She just manages to roll away from him when a hammer connects with his chest, sending the sword she put there all the way through him and into the ground beneath him, killing him instantly.

The man in particular isn’t large, nor does he look too strong but the hammer on his hands is surely a thing that makes up for that and more, though it’s not made of iron but wood instead. He comes at her with a loud scream, his hammer hitting the ground she was at a second ago and sending snow splashing all over them both. In her rush to get away from his next blow she comes face to face with Leo, whose skin is painted red but she doesn’t have the time to figure it out if it’s his own blood or not because the man is on her too quickly and Leo is blocking an assault with his sword from his left. The hammer almost hits her on the face but she’s not fast enough to avoid the hit all together and the side of it grazes her arm from the shoulder down to her elbow. 

Hissing in pain, she lets out a scream of her own and charges forward. She punches him on the nose, the cracking sound of his bone breaking giving her a boost of energy as she launches forward and takes the sword strapped to his hip before swinging it forward with all her force. The man lets out a shattering scream as his hand, still gripping the handle of the hammer falls to the ground, detached of his body. The rain of blood that flows from having his hand cut out makes him pass out almost immediately and Lexa moves on to the next opponent.

…

Leo is nowhere to be seen and Lexa feels as if she’s been fighting forever. The count though, she keeps it quite clear in her head.

She slashes the neck of number fifty seven when a foot connect with her chest, sending her flying backwards and hitting the ground a breathless mess. She feels exhausted, her limbs are heavy but she’s far from giving up.

Her attacker kicks away her sword and kicks her chest again when she tries to go for it. This time she coughs and feels as if she’s suffocating as the man, easily twice her size, sits on top of her and punches her on the cheek.

The metallic taste of blood erupts inside of her mouth as she tries to push him off but he’s not budging, and he’s too big for her to just get him off of her. The scars on his face seem to be bleeding fresh blood and she is barely able to handle his fists without exhausting herself, but there are no weapons close to her and when he pulls out his sword she begins to panic.

She stops the first blow of his blade with her vambrace but the more she covers herself the more savage his hits becomes and she knows the armor will give in soon.

Her heartbeat is so wild she can feel it in her ears, she is barely conscious of everything that’s happening just a few feet away from her because she doesn’t have the slightest idea of how to get out of this alive and Clarke is waiting for her. And she promised, she promised to not leave her alone.  

Finally, in her desperation, she wraps her arms around his big head and brings him down with sheer force close enough to sink her teeth on the side of his neck where she knows he’ll bleed the most. The sword slips from his hand as he tries to tampon the wound urgently and Lexa spits out the chunk of his neck with disgust. She feels like she could vomit at any moment but the man is quickly losing consciousness on top of her and soon she finds herself trapped under his massive body, feeling his blood soak her clothes and hair.

This time she knows that the blood drying on her face is partly hers and the pain hits her unexpectedly. Her face throbs and her arm screams in agony but pain is the last of her problems right now.

The fast approach of running feet has her looking backwards and she grabs the first thing she touches to halt the attack of two swords coming down on her face. She only realizes that she’s grabbed the dead man’s arm to cover her face when his warm blood washes over her and the new adversary beings to struggle to get his swords back. Grunting and struggling herself, Lexa reaches down to her boot and grips the handle of her knife before sticking it in his groin.

His blood also splashes on her face as she twists the knife and pushes it even further up. He shrieks his torment but Lexa is far from stopping. She pulls her knife out, crying out as his blood enters her mouth and stabs him on the stomach, over and over again.

He falls forward on top of the man already trapping her down and breathing becomes hard as they push down on her stomach and chest. She doesn’t know how long she’s underneath their dead bodies but when she comes out, the chaos seem to have multiply several times.

…

When she finds her footing the first thought to cross her mind is that she’s thankful that Clarke is on the other side of the river and away from this massacre.

The Azgeda Gonakru are true to their reputation of being brutal and severe, but they’re also so messy that Lexa instantly despises their approach. It’s also considerably less crowded now, more dead bodies than alive, the snow has completely disappeared from the grass under their feet and has been replaced by mud and blood.

She arms herself with two fallen swords and defends herself hastily. The Azgeda warriors seem to forget that there are other targets beside Heda around them and their eagerness to kill her cost too many their lives. But the Azgeda aren’t the only ones eager, the warriors fighting on her side are even more ferocious as they fight to protect her and fight by her side.

The galloping of horses has them on sudden alert and she really shouldn’t be surprised that Nia has been keeping these riders back to gain ground on them after fighting for so long, but she kind of is.

Myra is by her side now, shield close to her chin and sword dripping blood of their enemies. Lexa tries to look for Leo but he’s nowhere close and the horses are closing in on them quickly. She sees many of her own on the ground before she takes her knife and throws it straight into the eye of one of the horses at least thirty feet away.

With the beast swirling down to the floor, it takes at least three other horses with him, giving Lexa and Myra the necessary vantage to slay their riders. The riders go left and right though, killing everyone they have a reach on and Lexa has to jump out of the way too many times to avoid being ridden over to her death.

She throws one of her swords to a different rider, effectively sending him to the ground and she slashes through the legs of two other horses to bring down their passengers.

…

When she puts another horse out of his misery, Lexa looks up to find that they’re approaching Nia quickly. It can’t be more than a hundred Azgeda warriors left standing around their Queen now and even fewer fighting around them.

Now that she can focus on another sound beside her own heartbeat, the Commander notices that the clashes of swords are coming to an end and the only sound left behind is the anguish of the wounded as they lie on the snowy grass. It’s been hours, the late afternoon darkness quickly approaching.

During the fight, Nia has been pushed against the mountain and now she finds herself surrounded as the last of her soldiers on the battlefield fall down one by one.

Behind Lexa, the armies of her Coalition left untouched walk out of the shadows to show themselves to the cornered Queen, who still looks far from surrendering and only seems to be getting exactly what she wants though it’s clear that the fight is won.

“It’s over.” Lexa declares but the Ice Queen merely smirks back.

“It’s over when I say it is!”

A man is pushed forward from behind Nia’s horse, her carriage left forgotten, and Lexa doesn’t even know recognize the man until she takes a closer look at his battered face and everything falls into place.

The last Mountain Man. Emerson. The one who offered Lexa the deal that almost cost her Clarke. He’s the one who built the bomb that killed the Elders. But if Nia thinks that he’s an offer she’d accept she’s clearly mistaken.

“You wanted the responsible for the attack on the Temple? There you have it.” Nia relents but Lexa is far from falling on her traps.

“Is this your surrender?” She asks instead.

“Never.” The Queen hisses back.

Lexa bobs her head, expecting the answer and gives the order to take Emerson away. When she finds herself backed up by so many of her own she can’t understand how Nia can still refuse to accept her offer. She truly has no consideration for her own people, the people who is giving their lives for her even now.

Leo stands right behind her, a hand holding onto his side as he grimaces and breathes fast. Margot is next to him and besides looking tired, Lexa is glad to see her standing upright and seemingly well. Octavia, Lincoln and so many more known faces stand loyally behind her, all tired and fatigued but steady in their resolve.

If things were different and Lexa was the one being cornered, she wouldn’t doubt in taking any deals if it meant saving the lives of the people standing with her. She wouldn’t even consider her own pride, or her own worth. Their lives would be exchange enough for her own. And Nia doesn’t even care that they have her daughter in a cage.

“All of you have a choice.” Lexa addresses the remaining Azgeda warriors. “Fight and die for a Queen that has lied to you all your lives, a fake witch, a coward who couldn’t even find the strength to fight with you today; or you can swear loyalty to your Commander and live peaceful until your fights are over.”

“ _Em pleni_!” Nia yells, dismounting her horse and rushing forward. “The only fake one here is Wanheda!”

“Fake how, exactly?” A voice asks and Lexa turns to see that the Skaikru has crossed the river to join the other armies and Clarke stands close to her now.

“I see you received my gift.” Nia’s smile threatens to split her face in half as she touches her forehead to indicate what’s she’s referring to and Lexa grits her teeth in anger, though not only for Clarke and what was done to her but for this woman as well. Not once has Nia asked about her daughter, her son or Ontari, who seemed to have so much faith in her Queen. Nia simply doesn’t care and she finds it difficult to comprehend how such a despicable human can incite so much loyalty.

“And now you’ll receive mine.” Clarke assures her but before Lexa can ask what she means by that, the Azgeda warriors go on the offensive against them. More specifically, all of them seem to be coming straight for Clarke.

None makes it too far. Warriors from every Clan jump at the defense of Clarke and it doesn’t make any sense, Lexa finds no reason in this attack but she fights and protects Clarke at all costs until it’s over once more.

And then Nia is standing alone, her smile still not a defeated one. “Look around you, Lexa.” The Queen spreads her arms as Lexa’s heartbeat picks up. She reaches out for Clarke’s hand and pulls her close, something is wrong. She takes a step back and pulls Clarke harder, until the blond is standing behind her.

“This is your legacy. Death.”

“You did this. Not me.” Lexa finds herself speaking and it only takes Nia stepping forward for Lexa to realize what’s about to happen.

Time seems to slow down as she picks up on what Nia was planning to do and she doesn’t think twice before taking her knife out and throwing it straight into the Queen’s arm but she still presses the detonator in her hand and the carriage she came in still explodes.

…

_Em pleni_ = Enough


	22. Desperate times...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I want to apologize for the long wait guys. I know it’s been a couple of months and I just wanted to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about this story and I have every intention to finish it. This chapter has been written for a couple of weeks now and patiently waiting for me to catch a break from work and finish it. It was supposed to be way longer than this and I had to cut it down for it to end in a place where I was comfortable enough and I just had to publish it because I finally get to have a Sunday off tomorrow and I really want to take full advantage of it. (Meaning I’ll catch up on endless hours of sleep and probably eat a decent meal.)  
> Work is a bit crazy right now and it’s going to stay that way for a couple of more months but I’ll try my hardest to update as soon as I can. I love these idiots too much to not write them and I hate this schedule with all my heart, but work is work and I do like what I do for a living.  
> Thank you for reading this and leaving a comment once in a while, I love those. Anyway, forgive my rambling and enjoy this.

 

**CHAPTER 22**

…

The explosion isn’t exactly what Lexa expects it to be. The carriage detonates and fire quickly catches on, engulfing the white wood and scaring most of those who stand nearby. But the explosion itself is so small that it leaves everyone confused, rather than angry, though there is plenty of that as well.

Heart hammering inside of her chest and body trembling from the adrenaline still running through her veins, Lexa returns her gaze to the Ice Queen just in time to realize that Nia is the most shocked out of them all. 

“You!” Nia furiously hisses. Her anger overshadowing everything else as she takes several bold steps towards the last Mountain Man.

“I knew you were going to betray me the second you denied to rescue your own daughter alleging your excuses! You don’t know loyalty!” Emerson spits out from where he’s being held back by Trikru warriors. “I wanted revenge and I could have gotten that without you.”

“You will regret this.” Nia growls right back, openly ignoring her bleeding arm and the warriors closing in on her with speed.

“I already do.”

“ _Em pleni_.” Lexa orders, collected but ever observant. The warriors that were seconds away from tackling the Queen stopping at her command. “Take him away.”

Red blood taints the heavy coat of the Queen and in the blink of an eye the pain registers, making her expression change to one of disgust.

And Lexa can suddenly read her like an open book and there is nothing she can do to ignore the things she’s seeing so clearly for the first time. This is a person who never deserved to be called a Queen, a person who would -and has- sacrificed everything and everyone to reach her own selfish wants.

Clarke is standing right behind her, her breath blowing hot and agitated air on her neck by how close she’s standing next to her, her presence comforting the Commander in ways she can’t begin to explain or even understand. And it’s Clarke’s very presence that also reminds her of why she just fought this war and why she can’t wait to put an end to Nia’s reign for good.

“Heda?” Myra calls out, expectant and angry, venom lacing her voice. “What of the Queen?”

Nia’s eyes focus angrily on Lexa’s at hearing the question and without breaking that connection she tries and fails to get rid of the dagger embed on her wrist, much to her own embarrassment. She growls and Lexa wastes no time in dashing forward. Nia does the same.

This is how it was always going to end, with just the two of them.

Provocations aside, Lexa has never seen Nia in battle, much less confronted her herself. She’s only ever heard the stories told by Amada in the rare occasion the woman felt like sharing. Now, with the Queen charging towards her, she can’t deny the relief washing over her at knowing that one way or another, this is about to end and she is ready for that.

Nia is not fast on her feet but what little she can do to surprise she can make up in strength. When they collide, Lexa loses her footing momentarily before swiping her legs on the freezing dirt and effectively sending Nia to the ground on her back. But the Queen is not still and soon her fist is flying towards the Commander’s face, who is luckily expecting an attack and sees it coming with enough time to avoid it.

With her right foot keeping Nia’s injured hand on the ground, Lexa is certain that she can’t go any further. Yes, she has reason to kill the Queen by herself and her people will still rejoice the end of such tyranny but she’s also the one who has been entrusted to keep their traditions alive and she won’t step over that just because she can’t wait to see this woman dead.

Lexa is not fond of watching a person suffer their traditional deaths, but she can’t deny the fact that this woman deserves such a fate.

“Everything comes to an end.” Nia grits out with difficulty as Lexa’s knee presses down on her sternum. “Today we both do.”

The pain is barely there, a slight sting on her upper thigh but Lexa feels it hitting her everywhere. The sharp end of the Queen’s red knife is only on her thigh though and Nia smiles satisfactorily as she retrieves it, her eyes shining with delight as Lexa’s eyes widen in recognition and sudden fear.

This time she doesn’t think twice before punching the Queen repeatedly in the face as dread washes through her just like the poison that now runs through her veins and the small patch of skin on her leg begins to throb.

When she dares to look away from Nia’s bloody face, she’s met with hundreds of eyes staring at the scene with tired and proud looks on their faces, none having seen what just happened. However, the face she’s looking for is closer than all the rest and there is no pretense when those blue eyes take her in. And she has to wonder, when did she become incapable of hiding anything from Clarke? Was she ever really capable at all?

Nia is not unconscious and she’s not close enough to it to miss the moment Clarke points her gun to her face in her rage. Clarke didn’t need Lexa to say a word after all.

“No.” Lexa firmly says and she reaches out to lower Clarke’s hand. The thought of Clarke willing to take a life for her scaring her, perhaps even more than her current predicament. They’ve come too far for it.

“She deserves it.” Clarke’s voice resembles a thunder in its intensity and it seems as if only Lexa can see her breaking underneath all that force.

Her heart breaks again, for what if feels like the hundredth time. She doesn’t want to die. She wants to live and discover all the things she can be with Clarke by her side. She wants to live in a world free of Nia and share it with her people. She wants to see the look in their people’s eyes when the shadow that Nia has casted upon them is finally gone.

She wants to live but she’s not going to.

She should have known, she _knew_. Ice Nation is well-known by their poisonous flowers and animals. But poison is not a weapon a warrior carries to war, it is not honorable to do so. She should have known that Nia wouldn’t care to die a coward as long as she was taking Lexa with her.

“Death by a thousand cuts.” She says and she isn’t sure how to feel when her voice comes out sounding… normal. She’s never seen a person in the early stages after being poisoned, she’s only seen the aftermath and she never wished it upon any of her enemies. It’s her law that banned poison from their fights and now she’ll perish to one. 

When Nia tries to move, it is Clarke’s fist that puts her down for good.

“Where?” Clarke asks but Lexa doesn’t move for a long while, unsure if she'd be able to stand and what would happen after she does. She doesn’t want to find out and she doesn’t want Clarke to see her like this.

“Where?!” Clarke screams and the answer to her fears, and Lexa’s, comes in the form of black dots adorning her vision before darkness wraps its heavy arms around her and pulls her to the depths of sleep.

…

“Get my mom!” Clarke orders, her knees hitting the ground hard as she rushes to catch Lexa’s unconscious body. Her sight turns blurry in a second, making it difficult to see, the tears pooling there faster than she’s prepared for or even willing to share.

Many things happen at once around her but for a moment -that stretches for far too long- Clarke feels as if she’s stepped into a different world, one where she shouldn’t be. There is Leo, Myra, Lincoln and even a bleeding Octavia kneeling on the ground next to her; speaking rushed words that Clarke cannot hear or understand. It seems as if they want to take Lexa away from her and she simply cannot think clearly enough to grasp what is happening and her arms only tighten around the woman.

This was supposed to end today. It had ended, hasn’t it? The thought of this war ending with Lexa’s passing was there all along but Clarke forced her mind to block it out because what was the point of anything if that came to be.

“Get my mom.” She repeats to no one in particular, unaware that her arms are holding the woman in her arms a bit too tightly. Unaware that the tears have already began to slide down her cheeks. Unaware of the chaos that is unraveling as word about what happened to the Commander keeps spreading among the armies and all that anger spreads like wildfire.

“Get my mom.”

“Clarke.”

Lexa is heavy in her arms and Clarke can barely distinguish skin beneath so much dirt and blood in the Commander’s face. With a trembling hand she attempts to clean Lexa’s cheek but the moment her fingertips touch skin black blood oozes out of a small cut and she stops.

“What is this?” She asks, scared and hoping the black blood isn’t an effect of the poison.

“The Commander is always a Nightblood.” Lincoln softly replies and although Clarke is far from knowing what a Nightblood is -or how they even came to exist- she is far too quick to accept this explanation, glad that the darkness in Lexa’s blood is not a sign of the poison taking over her body this fast and making a mental note to find out about it later.

Not that she can let go or even look up from the still unconscious woman who she’s supposed to marry and that now resembles a ragdoll in her arms. After all they’ve been through this cannot be how it ends. Even if death is inevitable at some point, Lexa still deserves a better death than this one.

“My mom will know what to do.”

“Clarke.” She looks up at hearing that voice, so soft and familiar. This close, Clarke can see all the similarities between Leo and Lexa, and it makes her throat ache because she will never be content to look into his face and know that he’s the only reminder of his cousin. 

“You hair.” She mumbles, her mind reeling back wildly. Leo’s hair is Lexa’s hair, and Lexa was poisoned. She was poisoned and she might not make it.

“Clarke.” Octavia’s voice is severe, hard, and it snaps Clarke back into reality forcefully.

“She was poisoned.” She blurts out as she inspects Lexa’s body for a specific wound and finds a red dagger underneath Nia’s hand instead. Lexa’s body is covered in little cuts and the blood soaking her clothes doesn’t even belong to her in its totality, so it’s difficult to know where exactly Nia cut her.

“Do we know of an antidote?” Octavia asks but her question is met with silence and sad glances. Everyone around them agreeing that there is no cure for this and their stillness is something Clarke cannot allow.

“Azgeda is known for their poisonous flowers and their snakes, but not their antidotes.” Myra says without looking up.

“No.” Clarke denies immediately, hugging the Commander closer to her chest. “No! You saved Finn!”

“That was a Triku poison.” Lincoln answers, meeting Clarke’s glare passively. “Nyko can make the antidote quickly for those. Azgeda has never provided an antidote for theirs. None that we know of.”

The Ice Queen lies just as unconscious on the ground that Clarke sets Lexa on before she picks up her gun and runs to the cages near the river without worrying if anyone is following. If the Ice Nation is known for their poisons then Clarke is certain that they deal with antidotes as well. They have to!

The Ice Princess and Ontari look equally surprised and trepidant to see Wanheda closing in on them carrying a certain determination in her every step that they both know is not going to waver any time soon and it won’t work out for them at all.

“What is the antidote?” Clarke demands to know as soon as she’s close enough to be heard.

“Antidote?” Ontari repeats but Dita is already smiling in anticipation to hear what she has to say next, though it seems like she already knows.

“Where is Lexa?” Dita asks and the gun in Clarke’s hand beats like an extension of her own arm when she lifts it and points it at the Princess. She is not up for any games, not when Lexa’s life is on the line.

“Tell me what the antidote is.” She asks again.

“There is no antidote.” Dita laughs and Clarke pulls the trigger without hesitation.

The bullet hits an iron bar and Dita’s smile disappears as her back hits the back of the cage in her rush to avoid being hit. The warriors that followed Clarke stop in their tracks, not sure if Wanheda missed the shot or intentionally fired it just to scare the Princess and demand an answer, and both options scare them more than they’d ever be willing to admit.

“There is.” Clarke grits out, now only a couple of steps away from the cages, expecting the guilt of shooting at Dita so deliberately to come but unsurprised when it doesn’t. “And you will make it for me or you will - ”

“Die?” Dita guesses, smirk returning to her lips. “I’m ready for it.”

“You think I’m going to kill you if she dies?” Clarke retorts with the same sickening smile that was on the Princess’ lips moments ago, now adorning hers. “No. You will live and when death comes for you and trust me, it will. When death comes for you, it’ll be because I’ve made you beg for it for years. Not days, not weeks, not months. I’ll make you wish for death for _years_ before I end your fight with my bare hands.”

Her threat is heard by many, not only the Princess but Clarke won’t look away from Dita’s eyes that are so clearly scared but still rebellious and unwilling to help.

“Is the Queen dead?” Ontari intervenes, voice pained and barely above a whisper but urgent nonetheless. “Is she dead?”

The desperation in Ontari’s voice seeps through the fogginess of Clarke’s brain and she can’t not look at her. The grief in the young girl’s eyes is the first thing she sees and Clarke is ready to put a bullet in her head for suffering the supposed death of someone as despicable as Nia, but before she does it the Princess is speaking again.

“She’s not.” She confidently says through chattering teeth but Ontari’s confusion is already growing big and Clarke can soon see the uncertainty taking root there.

“She’s not going to live for long.” Ontari’s voice breaks and her confusion only seems to expand as the seconds go by. Her confusion make Clarke take a pause. 

“She’ll be dead soon enough.” Clarke informs her and it sounds like a promise she’ll keep no matter what comes next.

“Lexa will be too.” Dita spits out, as if Clarke needed the reminder. To her right Ontari’s body slumps against the bars of the cage, eyes unfocused and looking as if her entire world is shattering right along with Clarke’s. And maybe it is.

“The antidote! Tell me what it is!” The only answer Dita provides for her is mocking laughter and this time Clarke doesn’t hesitate in stepping forward to finally put a bullet between her eyes but Ontari’s soft voice catches her attention before she pulls the trigger, yet again.

“Which one did she use?” Her defeated voice is soft but they both hear it clearly and they both stop.

“Ontari.” Dita’s tone is warning, ignoring the fact that Clarke is pointing a gun to her forehead, probably not even caring.

“Which color was the dagger she used?” Ontari elaborates, deliberately ignoring the warning of her Princess, though she refuses to look up.

“The red one.” Clarke hesitantly answers. Even if Ontari is coming to realize that Nia never truly held the powers she claimed to possess, she still has no reason to trust the Ice Nation assassin.

“Ontari.” Dita warns again, harder and Ontari visibly struggles to keep her eyes downcast and refuses to acknowledge the Princess’ warning.

“The antidote exists.” Taking a deep breath, Clarke feels as if life is returning to her and she latches on this ray of hope with everything that she has.

“Where can I find it?” Her voice cracks and lowering the gun she walks closer to Ontari’s cage.

“ _Natrona_!” Dita accuses but Ontari is just as fast to rise to her knees and grip the iron bars to glare right back and all Clarke can do is watch.

“She made me a promise!”

“You didn’t exactly deliver now, did you?”

“That’s not the point.”

“You knew what would happened if you failed!”

“Nothing happened! That’s the problem!” Ontari screams and Dita doesn’t have an immediate answer for her and if Clarke were to look closely to her expression she’d be able to see the shame washing in the Princess’ eyes.

“I’m still here. You are still here. And the Queen has been captured. Nothing is _going_ to happen! They were telling the truth. The Elders were telling the truth! There are no powers in her hands, there never were! They told me to trust the Commander and I chose wrong!”

“To doubt her is treason and you know it.” Ontari’s eyes widen at the reminder of this law that Clarke had no idea it existed until now. Ontari is scared and everyone around them can see it, but beyond the evident fear there is hesitation, there is anger.

“If you help me.” Clarke speaks and she’s relieved to see Ontari following her every word with terrified eyes. “I will be forever in debt to you.”

It takes two seconds for Ontari to nod in acceptance of Clarke’s offer and Clarke realizes how substantial her belief truly is. Octavia called her a legend when she found her on the Drop Ship almost two weeks ago and she saw a glimpse of what Wanheda means to the Grounders when she walked the streets of Polis but Ontari is now showing her what Lexa already knew. Clarke was the only one endangering Nia’s position within her own Clan and the people see it.

“I can help, Wanheda.” Ontari quickly continues. “I can save Heda’s life.”

… 

When Ontari asks for her belongings Clarke doesn’t hesitate is sending for them and she wishes that she could take note of the faces around her, of their eagerness to take her orders, of their overwhelming loyalty but she can’t linger on it since she needs to be in constant movement or else she’ll surely crumble before the eyes of literally _everyone_.

“If you try anything, I swear I’ll make you regret it.” She threatens and she’s only barely surprised when Ontari doesn’t cower under her scrutinizing. It’s almost as if the Ice warrior was expecting the threat to come sooner rather than later. 

“I would expect nothing less.”

Lexa has been moved to a secluded area in Clarke’s short absence and someone has cleaned the Commander’s face from all that gore and dirt. The cut on her cheek is the first thing that Clarke sees and though she tries hard to ignore the wild beating of her heart and the pain running through her veins like a living thing, her eyes seem unable to look away from Lexa’s face and she takes notice of how much younger the woman looks while she sleeps.

But she’s not really asleep, is she? Clarke’s feet are heavy as she walks closer to the makeshift bed on the cold ground, wishing for Lexa’s eyes to suddenly flutter open and have those green eyes focusing on her, telling her that everything is going to be okay, that the war is over.

“Are you sure about this?” Myra stops her from getting any closer to her crunching mother and her unconscious fiancée.

“No.” She admits, the words cut out of her throat like dry sand. Lexa looks so pale and her mother has never seemed so lost. Her equipment lies on the ground, useless. “But is all we have.”

“Heda’s life in the hands of an assassin!” The warrior grits out and her disgust over the situation couldn’t be more obvious.

“Do you have a better idea?” She retorts, eyes flaring angrily at Amada’s second and daring her to speak.

“This does not redeem her.” Myra accentuates, the sword in her hand pointing to an observing and quiet Ontari. “If she manages to save Heda’s life, she still has to pay for what she’s done.”

“And she will.” Clarke stresses out, voice low and taking her time with her consonants. The discussion of Ontari’s future can wait and she expects Myra to see that. Luckily the woman does.

The sky turns dark quicker than past days and torches come alive with bright fire every few steps from each other. The cold wind is biting and beside Leo and Lexa’s Generals shouting orders, the night is somber. It’s as if they’re the ones who just lost a war and not the other way around.

A rider comes back from Mount Weather and he’s sent straight to Clarke. Around her the leaders of the eleven Clans watch expectant and at first she doesn’t know if she can do this, if she is strong enough to do what Lexa does, but when the young rider bows before her she knows that she doesn’t really have a choice.

The Podakru warriors caught several assassins trying to enter the Mountain when the battle began. They were not easy to catch, two died in battle and two survived, and are being kept alive for the Commander to decide on their fate, for the moment they refuse to speak of their failed plans. No lives were lost on their side and their perimeter has been secured.

Despite the flowing relieve that washes over her at knowing that her friends are safe and sound, Clarke still can’t breathe easily. She sends Myra to inform the rest of the Leaders of these news and pointedly ignores the guilt at knowing that she’s the one who’s supposed to do it. Lexa wouldn’t stay put if Clarke was the one _dying_ , Lexa would be leading with her head. 

Isn’t that what she asked of Lexa before the battle began? _Lead the armies with your head, so you can come back to me._

Luckily her shame is cut short when the guards come back with Ontari’s possessions, which include a small leather bag that Clarke hasn’t seen on the bunker before. 

“Why were Ice Nation assassins heading to the Mountain?” She asks as Ontari retrieves a small black cloth from the bottom of her bag. Ontari’s hands still atop the cloth and her shoulders visibly sag, she doesn’t look up.

“The last Mountain Man talked about missiles and hundreds of guns that we could have used.”

Hesitantly, Ontari returns to unwrap the cloth to reveal several vials filled with liquids of different colors and Clarke pushes down her growing rage in order to find out everything she can, while she can. She’ll deal with Emerson later, though she’s not particularly keen to do it.

“What was her plan?” It seems as though she’s not as good as she thinks she is at hiding her anger because Ontari’s wide eyes snap up to meet hers and she shakes her head quickly, afraid.

“I don’t - I was sent to Polis early. My Queen is - was very reserved.”

Clarke’s heart suddenly breaks one more time and she hates herself for it. She doesn’t owe anything to Ontari, she’s in her right to hate her and wish her dead. But Ontari’s pain is too real, it runs too deep and it’s tearing her apart from within. Everything she was taught has been shattered to pieces and her mind as well as her heart have been betrayed too many times to count and Clarke sympathizes, though she wishes she wouldn’t.

Clarke won’t pretend to understand, she won’t even attempt to. Ontari’s faith, as well as every loyal follower of Nia, has turned to ashes. All that fear they felt for their Queen’s powers and threats has vanished, and without it they seem lost.

“Which one is it?” She asks instead and finally, _finally_ , allows herself to kneel beside Lexa and cradle her head on her lap like she’s wanted to do since the moment she came back with Ontari. Her throat burns with sobs she refuses to let out and her heart screams in agony at seeing her love lying so still but she won’t cry here.

“This one.” Ontari offers her the yellow vial and Lincoln inches forward to get it before Clarke can ask when did he get here or if he’s been here all along and she’s only seeing him now.

“What does it do?” Abby inquiries just as confused and out of her element as Clarke feels. If her daughter were to look a little bit closer though, Abby is afraid she’d see the turmoil unravelling inside of her. There was a time when she and every other person at Camp Jaha would have liked to see the Commander fall, she’s not even sure she’s changed her mind to be honest.

But Abby can’t un-see the look in Clarke’s eyes, nor can she shake the memory of Lexa’s anguish while Clarke slept away for nearly a whole day after she was taken by the Ice Princess. No, her feelings for the Commander haven’t changed but it seems that Clarke’s have.

“It reverses the effects of the poison.” Ontari answers dutifully but her eyes are locked on Clarke’s hands and the way her fingers keep caressing Lexa’s strong jaw, silently begging her to wake up.

“Have you tried it before?” Lincoln asks and behind him Octavia shares a nervous look with Indra. As far as she knows the Ice Nation poisons have always been deadly and no cures have ever been provided. There is absolutely no reason to trust that this one will.

“Yes. I recommend you use it now. The red _feisbona_ is the fastest to claim a life.”

“Okay.” Clarke nods, scared that Lexa’s skin has begun to lose it’s warmth and her lips are no longer red, the cut on her cheek has stopped bleeding, though the skin is still split open.

“Clarke.” Abby urgently calls her out. She can see the desperation swimming in Clarke’s eyes and the pain beating underneath the tough exterior she’s hiding behind. She doesn’t know if her daughter is strong enough to survive any more losses and after what she’s seen, Abby knows how important the Commander has become for Clarke, though she’s far from understanding it.

“There is no other choice.” Clarke’s voice cracks and she doesn’t look at her mother as she stretches out her hand for Lincoln to pass her the antidote. Lincoln only doubts for a second before he presses the vial in her hand and out of the corner of his eye he sees Indra step behind Ontari, her grip firm around the handle of her sword.

“Put it in her mouth.” Ontari softly says as she sees her hesitate with the vial in one hand while the other continues to stroke the Commander’s jaw. “My word is true, Wanheda.” Ontari concludes when Clarke’s eyes look up threateningly at her.

They have no reason to trust her, no reason to believe that the liquid Ontari is providing is an actual antidote. For all Clarke knows she might be feeding Lexa the poison that kills her once and for all. But her mother has been unable to do anything and the blood that’s supposed to be beating life in Lexa’s heart is killing her instead.

Parting Lexa’s dry lips to empty the vial inside of her mouth is by far the hardest thing she’s ever done and like every other hard thing in her life, she endures it.

…

_Em pleni_ = Enough

_Natrona_ = Traitor

_Feisbona_ = Poison

 

 


	23. A new beginning

**CHAPTER 23**

…

The next twelve hours seem to blur in together.

Clarke rides the way back to Polis with Lexa’s head resting on her lap in the back of a carriage still trying to wrap her mind around what’s happened. The other occupants of the carriage grant her the silence she needs to focus on what demands to be done, though the unconscious woman on her lap makes that task almost impossible to achieve.

The party heading to Polis is large and Clarke finds little to no solace in having so many warriors at her disposition. Ontari has returned to the cage she was in before she offered her help to save Lexa’s life, but Clarke ordered for her to be separated from the Ice Princess until she figures out what to do next. Ontari’s fate is up in the air for the time being.

Myra has stayed behind with representatives of the Twelve Clans and Generals alike to dispose of the dead the war has left behind but Clarke has had to light the first fire to burn the bodies, an act that is usually performed by the Commander herself and Clarke has been the only one wearing red among everyone else. She doesn’t remember the event very well but a part of her is certain that it took place. There will be a ceremony to commemorate the fallen ones back in Polis, or so she believes Ando said at one point or another. She misses Devon more than she ever thought she would.

Everyone has spoken to her about something at a point and she should have listened better. But Lexa is still unconscious on her lap and Clarke can’t bring herself to think of anything else.

The world itself seems to have lost a certain appeal that Clarke didn’t even know it existed until now and it hurts to think of a future where this beating void is always there, right beneath the surface of her chest, reminding her of what it almost was. What will be the point if Lexa doesn’t make it?

She’s so into watching Lexa’s face, hoping that her eyelids would flutter open and green eyes would be revealed that she doesn’t notice when the carriage crosses the gates of Polis, although she thinks she hears Leo barking an order in Trigedasleng and it’s not until the carriage comes to a stop that she looks up.

There is so much to do and Clarke can’t be sure that she’ll find the strength to part from Lexa’s side when it deems necessary.

They are not at the Tower and Clarke doesn’t object when Leo explains to her that the Commander’s house is a far better location for Lexa to rest and recover, and probably to pass away, though neither one of them are eager to mention the second option.

Amada is waiting for them, eyes hard and expression unreadable, snarling order after order to turn the house into a fortress, right arm tucked protectively beneath her breasts and towering above everyone else. Abby and Harper supply a gurney and Clarke latches onto Lexa’s hand as they move her inside and settle her on a comfortable bed. Lexa doesn’t show any signs that might mean that she’s waking up soon and Clarke feels the wound on her chest expand until everything hurts.

Leo’s eyes are glassy when Clarke meets them across the bed and it’s clear that they don’t need to talk to know the kind of anguish that is enveloping the other. Lexa is the only family that Leo has and the only person that he truly trusts, and Clarke can’t stand the nagging knowledge that maybe Lexa won’t make it.

When Mar walks inside the room, she comes accompanied by Aisha, Mona and Tina, and Clarke is almost relieved to see the familiar faces of their maidens but that relief is gone just as fast as it came. It seems that they have accepted that Lexa won’t be waking up anytime soon and it bothers her so much. They try to make Clarke take a bath while they bathe Lexa as best as they can on the bed but she refuses to leave and Leo storms out in a sudden burst of anger when Lexa doesn’t react at all at being prod.

Clarke stares at the closed door -after having followed his retreating figure- and closes her eyes in an attempt to pull herself together. She doesn’t want to give into the anger but it’s there, pumping through her veins and inciting her to take notice.

There is so much to do and Lexa’s hand isn't as cold as it’s been a few hours ago. In fact, the color seems to have returned to Lexa’s features and though she still looks beaten and bruised, the greyish gloom of death no longer seems to be surrounding her and it’s _something_ , though far from enough.

With renewed hope, Clarke sets her mind on helping with cleaning Lexa’s skin from all the death that is currently etched on every available surface. They remove her clothes and carefully rub the filth off of her with gently scrubs and paying extra attention to the dozens of battle wounds that cover her body. Clarke barely manages to hold back tears when Lexa doesn’t stir throughout the entire process.

Abby shows up when Mona is finishing washing Lexa’s hair on the edge of the bed and Clarke doesn’t think twice before she lets herself be wrapped in her mother’s protective embrace. She fights back the sobs that keep trying to steal her breath away and only steps back when she hears her name being called.

She takes the offer of a bath once she’s certain that her mother won’t be leaving the room while she changes the bandages covering every damp spot of Lexa’s cuts and when she emerges -hair still dripping wet and feeling a bit lighter- the maidens have left, leaving only Abby sitting by the bed where Lexa is still unconscious.

“Her pulse is stronger.” Her mother informs her from where she sits, crossed legs and exhausted. “I cleaned her wounds and bandaged them. Her ribs are bruised but not fractured. The cut on her cheek didn’t need stitches but a few on her body did. I took care of them. I also gave her an antibiotic to avoid infection and something for the pain, should she feel anything.”

Disposing of the towel that she’s been using to dry her hair Clarke claims the chair on the other side of the bed and her hand immediately reaches for one of Lexa’s, her thumb mechanically looking for the pulse on Lexa’s wrist. A small laugh leaves her parted lips when she feels the strong and steady beat of Lexa’s pulse and instinctively she pushes herself closer to the bed, brushing her lips on Lexa’s knuckles unconsciously and desperately.

Lexa is getting better. Now she just needs to wake up. Ontari wasn’t lying.

“When did this happen?” Her mother’s voice is not harsh but the judgment is obvious. Clarke avoids looking up, suddenly self-conscious, feeling as if this is something she should be ashamed of, as if loving Lexa is something that she should have kept hidden and locked away, as if she should have protected her mother from ever finding out.

“ _How_ did this happen?” Abby pushes on and Clarke focuses on the small bruise on Lexa’s jaw, and squeezes Lexa’s hand that she’s keeping pressed against her cheek. She knows exactly what her mother is asking and why it seems so ridiculous for her. At one point it felt ridiculous for Clarke too, but not anymore.

“Clarke, you can’t possibly believe that this is right.” Abby is growing irritated, Clarke notices, but she still doesn’t look up. “This arranged marriage is too much for you. You’re so confused.”

“I love her.” She says out loud and keeps watching Lexa’s profile as her heart beats strongly inside her chest. She recognizes the fear and she takes comfort in the feeling of Lexa’s soft palm on her cheek. “I love her and nothing you say or believe is going to change that.”

Hesitantly, she finally looks up to find her mother sagged against the chair, shocked and frowning, a look of pure disbelief in her face.

“You can’t expect me to believe that you fell in love with this _woman_ in the last few days, can you?” Abby’s disgust towards Lexa makes Clarke want to rip her to shreds, but she breathes in deeply instead and wills herself to reign it in. She knows her mother and wants to believe in her more than anything. 

“I didn’t.” She agrees but Abby knows her too and she holds her breath before Clarke looks up again, meeting her stare with nothing but terrified honesty. “I didn’t _fall_ in love with her, I drowned in everything she is and I didn’t even noticed at first. And it’s been the best and the worst I’ve ever felt before.”

“Clarke.” Abby shakes her head, perhaps still trying to make her _see_ that she’s wrong, when she’s clearly not.

“Everything has been hard on the ground.” Clarke continues, her throat already closing in and eyes shining with unshed tears. “Since the moment we got here, nothing has been soft or easy, but things are better with her. All the danger and death are still there but things are _better_ when I know she’s there.”

She presses Lexa’s immobile hand against her chest and doesn’t look away from her mother’s softening glare, not even when the tears start to roll down her face.

“When I first saw her, I didn’t know her and even then it didn’t feel like I was meeting a complete stranger for the first time. And maybe I’m wrong, maybe there is no afterlife, maybe our spirits cease to exist the moment we die but Lexa feels like home to me.”

“You’ve been learning so much from them. You’re projecting, honey.”

“I’m not.” Clarke patiently denies. “I can be confused and mistaken by a lot of things, but I know what I’m saying.”

“She abandoned us.” Abby reminds her and Clarke lets out a watery laugh that lacks any real humor. She doesn’t need the reminder of what Lexa did but that doesn’t stop everyone from bringing it back every chance they get.

“She did, and I loved her through it all. I knew who she was and I knew not to trust her. I knew these things and I still fell in love with her because I couldn’t help it.”

“You’ve never been one to believe in fate.”

“I’m not but I know that no matter what, I’d always choose her. I’d choose her a million times, even knowing how much she can hurt me, I’d still choose her. I’d recognize her anywhere.”

“Clarke.” Abby sighs, still uncertain, doubtful.

“I’ve survived a lot of things here. I know what I can do and I know how strong I am. But I wouldn’t survive to live in a world where she doesn’t exist, not after knowing her. Not after knowing how to love like this, not after being loved like this. Not because I wouldn’t be able to survive but because I wouldn’t want to.”

Abby’s silence is not what Clarke expected but it’s what she gets. Lexa has not stirred and there is still so much to do.

She presses her lips to Lexa’s knuckles again, leaving butterfly kisses over the bruises adorning them and wishing for a squeeze back that doesn’t come.

“Clarke.” She starts at hearing the voice, her stomach drops and her mother visibly flinches on the spot. Leo is standing by the door, eyes rimmed red and pursed lips. He’s taken a bath and his hair is still wet from it, and he’s dressed in black from head to toe.

Her voice is gone, sank somewhere in her body right along with her stomach. She doesn’t know how much he heard and his eyes -though red- show nothing at all. He is sad and that’s all, but every person in Polis is too. Everyone has been hit by the death of the Elders and their mourning might just be prolonged by the probable death of their Heda.

There is not time to say anything before a new knock on the door is heard and Titus walks inside with trembling steps and a rigid spine. His eyes lock on the sleeping form of his Commander and he visibly deflates. But unlike Clarke, he seems to shake that agony off like a mantle and then his determined stare sets on Clarke.

“We’re waiting for you, Wanheda.”

She doesn’t object at being summoned like this, she knows that her life is theirs and she understands Lexa just that much deeper than before. She drops Lexa’s hand and forces herself to stand, to get ready, to prepare herself for what might be a very long afternoon and night.

Mona makes quick work of her hair and Clarke shrugs the first coat she finds only to realize that it’s Lexa’s and instead of taking it off, she wraps it tighter around her body. She doesn’t return to the bed when she’s ready because while Lexa trusts Titus to an extent, she still keeps herself guarded around him and Clarke should take that lead as well.

Her mother stays in the room and the act results more reassuring that what Clarke was expecting it to be after their talk. She has to trust that all the hostility that Abby is harvesting comes from a protective place after all.

… 

The first floor of Lexa’s house is crowded by the Ambassadors and Leaders of the Twelve Clans, and the need to turn around and run envelops Clarke whole when they all turn to look at her for guidance.

Lexa’s throne is in the room and her steps falter momentarily when Titus guides her to it. She’s certainly not expecting the wave of confidence that engulfs her when she sits on it, or how close to the woman she loves it makes her feel, but she welcomes it. It’s only when everyone takes a knee for her that she notices the red sash wrapped around her waist and her fingers instinctively touch her forehead where Lexa’s gear is forever burnt of her skin, and she knows how this must look like. _She knows_.

“Rise.” She’s heard Lexa say it so many times before but she’s never felt it roll down her tongue. Such a little word, yet so powerful.

How did she end up here? How did she end up having a right to sit on Lexa’s throne? How did she manage to win the Leaders’ respect and loyalty?

She almost lets out a relieved gasp when Titus takes over the meeting and things soon turn so political that she’s -once again- shocked to find herself in the eye of this hurricane. She’s no stranger to these kind of gatherings and more than once she’s been comfortable enough to take lead, but having someone who sees eye to eye and has her back -Lexa’s- as devotedly as Titus does, is oddly relieving.

Titus and Luca take turns in reporting the damage that was done to the city and time passes by quickly as they speak in comfortable understanding and the Leaders listen. The Temple is no longer, they haven’t been able to rescue the Elders’ bodies and a few houses nearby have also perished to the explosion, leaving no survivors.

This news hits her harder than expected. She knew that the Elders were gone, that the Temple would not be usable after an explosion that size but this is the first time she’s hearing about the families that were lost as well and it’s Mount Weather all over again and it hurts just as badly, maybe even more so. The people at Polis are folks that have come in search of peace and the city was supposed to be a safe haven for them to do so, and Clarke’s presence put that in danger.

But the meeting doesn’t stop. A ceremony will be held to celebrate the fallen ones and on the absence of the Commander, Clarke is to lead it.

The prisoners are being guarded by Skaikru soldiers at the Tower, where they await their execution. There is no talk about their fates, no conversation about their lives whatsoever, it is simply understood that none of the prisoners will live after today and Clarke’s stomach twitches uncomfortably even though she knew their ways and she knew this is how it was always going to end. That knowledge doesn’t stop her from wishing it was different though.

Is it too much to ask to live in a world where second chances are allowed? Where every crime is not punished by death?

“A thousand cuts.” Clarke speaks up when the Indra asks the question that everyone has been itching to ask since the meeting began. _How will the Queen die?_

Clarke’s eyes instinctively look for Roan, who remains sited and hasn’t said much either. His face is bruised and his left eye remains shut completely, swollen and bloody, and somehow he manages to look just as strong and intimidating as before Lein nearly killed him.

“Our Heda decided on death by a thousand cuts before she was poisoned.” Her voice doesn’t tremble when she tells the room of Lexa’s decision, and Roan tips his head slightly forward in her direction. He doesn’t react when everyone else rejoice at hearing this and celebrate his mother’s sentence.

It’s only when Dita’s name is mentioned that Roan’s eyes turn frantic and hopeless. Having no word from Lexa on this matter, Dita’s fate is put up to a vote and Clarke is not surprised when every Leader agree when a thousand cuts is mentioned by Titus again, who is just as eager as the rest to have her head. Roan remains quiet, he knows he can’t save his sister but is clear how gutted this final decision leaves him.

One by one the Advisors report to her and Clarke reminds herself that she’s filling in for Lexa and duty comes first, she can’t afford to feel Roan’s pain like her heart is asking her to, not right now at least.

Amada has set a perimeter around Polis and has already sent home the warriors that were well enough to travel, the rest will remain in the Capitol until they recover from their wounds. Margot announces that harvests from the nearest Clans will arrive earlier than planned due to the amount of people Polis will harbor for the next weeks. Luca tells her that the Orphanage has been set to accommodate those whose injuries are too large for their healers to take care of and Kane reveals that the Skaikru Doctors are doing everything they can to attend to the wounded as they speak. Leo remains quiet and Titus is quick to express his faith in Lexa’s recovery before rounding on Clarke before continuing.

Before she knows it Pal’s involvement is revealed and the anger rises anew among every occupant of the room. All of them want a piece of the Ambassador and some even go as far as to want all of their heads, and Clarke knows that if she doesn’t put a stop to this, no one will.

“ _Em pleni_!” Clarke stands from the throne, Leo instinctively grips his sword and moves closer to her, as does every single guard around them. She ignores the surprise in their eyes at hearing her speak, they don’t need to know that her knowledge of Trigedasleng is more than limited.

“Pal Kom Podakru belongs to Heda and she’s the only one who will decide on his fate.” Is clear that her statement leaves no room for arguing and she’s somehow relieved to see that even after all that barking, no one is really eager to bite.

“What of the last Mountain Man?” Cesar from the Desert Clan speaks up.

“His life, as well as the rest that are held prisoners belong to Heda too, and she will decide how and when they will perish.”

She sees the doubt swim in their eyes, everyone is uncertain of Lexa’s wellbeing and with good reason.

“I suggest you all take care of your wounds and rest. Tomorrow the Commander and I expect you all for a brief Summit before the Ceremony begins.”

There is a slight moment of hesitation that follows her words and Clarke holds her breath until people began to walk out after performing a reverence in farewell to her. And everything feels out of place and forced. She’s seen Lexa address the Ambassadors and the Leaders in different occasions, but what might come as second nature for Lexa is certainly not as easy for Clarke. This is simply not something that she sees herself doing alone.

…

After the meeting is over Clarke is left feeling dizzy. Titus is going on and on about the possibility of Lexa not waking up and Amada is not shy in her attempts to shut him up, not that they work anyway. Luca stays behind and his words slur together in Clarke’s ears but she’s almost sure that he speaks about her mother and Jackson, and the Medical Team that has come from Camp Jaha to lend a hand to the wounded. Margot asks her permission to send out four additional hunting groups out to keep their kitchens stock and Clarke is certain that she agrees because the Advisor leaves the room right after with a small appreciative nod thrown her way.

Titus’ voice rings in her ears as he tries to speak above Amada but the woman is adamant in her belief that Lexa will be alright and every other opinion should be kept quiet. Clarke is grateful for her conviction but every minute that Lexa continues to be unconscious adds to her own uncertainty.

A constant murmur rises above Titus and Amada’s voices, and Clarke follows the hum to the open window and what she finds outside of Lexa’s house breaks her and puts her together all at once.

The people, Lexa’s people are gathered around the house, holding hands and murmuring praises that Clarke doesn’t understand but that she recognizes it as the old language Lexa once mentioned. Women, men, elders, children and babes, all sit in the streets praying to a God that Clarke doesn’t know exists. The snow falls quietly around them all but none seem shaken by the cold, their faith being too strong.

“They believe she’ll be okay.” Leo says, his voice rough and his jaw clenched in such a familiar way that Clarke can’t stand to look at it for long.

“I believe it too.” Clarke whispers, remembering Lexa’s hands and the warmth that it enveloped them before she was called to the meeting.

“You won’t let her die, Wanheda. I know it.”

The Commander of Death should be able to tell death to stay away, shouldn’t she? Everything always comes full circle with them. If Lexa dies, so does Clarke’s status and eventually Clarke. One can’t survive without the other.

…

Her mother is still sitting by Lexa’s bedside when Clarke returns to the room but she’s not the only one inside. Raven and Bellamy are there too, and Clarke isn’t sure if she should kick them out to spare Lexa from their sights or be grateful that they care enough to be here, whatever their motives might be.

There are no changes and Clarke wastes no time in reclaiming her seat and taking Lexa’s hand in hers like she did before. The skin is so warm and her pulse steady that she just knows that Lexa is clinging to this life like she’s supposed to and the thought almost makes her smile.

She can’t deny how uncomfortable it is to have so many eyes on her when she’s making sure that her fiancé is still breathing, but she doesn’t deny herself this moment of peace before facing them.

“I know it looks bad.” Bellamy raises his hand and attempts to smile. “But they gave me this tea and I barely feel anything.” He shrugs and his swollen lips lift up again making Clarke cringe. The truth is, Roan didn’t look half as bad as Bellamy does.

“That girl had a mean punch.” Raven comments with a shake of her head as Clarke assesses the damage on her friend. Bellamy has been patched up as best as he could have been but Clarke can barely recognize him with all the bruising and swollen cheeks.

“Your mom stitched up my leg, said it wasn’t serious.” Bellamy continues and Clarke begins to pick up the pitch in his voice. Whatever they gave him was really strong and he’s stripped bare of his walls.

“What tea is he talking about?”

“He was being a whiny baby and that guy Nyko gave him something for the pain.”

“He’s high.” Abby concludes for the both of them and Bellamy chuckles, eyes shutting close and both hands on his belly.

His chuckles soon turn into breathless exhales of air and Clarke can’t help to smile at his actions. She’s never seen him like this and everything is so ridiculous that she just needs to laugh it out, so she does. Her mother is smiling too and Raven is confusedly grinning while Bellamy and Clarke laugh for two very different reasons.

She was a runaway not long ago and now she’s filling in for Lexa in meetings with the Clans’ Leaders who consider her worthy of leading next to their Heda, who see her as someone just as powerful. Raven hated Lexa but now she sits at her bedpost waiting for her to wake up and while her feelings might not have completely changed, she’s come to understand how vital Lexa’s life is for the society that they are now a part of. Abby is keeping her thoughts to herself for the time being and that is more than enough for Clarke right now and she’s thankful. Bellamy was almost killed trying to protect her and now he’s laughing and that’s probably the most beautiful thing that Clarke has seen today.

It’s ridiculous and she needs today to be over. She needs Lexa to wake up so they can put the war behind them and start planning their wedding, their future.

“She’s going to be okay.” She’s crying, the pain materializing so clearly that she feels like her chest is splitting open and Bellamy’s hand on her knee is the only thing keeping her together.

“She’s going to be okay.” He repeats and she finally looks up from his hand. His curly hair looks clean and even with all the bruises adorning his face, his eyes are still the same gentle ones. “Lexa looks like a tough cookie.” He goofily grins and Clarke chuckles again, he’s too high to be comforting her.

“I just need her to stay alive.” She confesses and his smile is soft now, comprehensive.

“She loves you too, you know? So trust me when I say that she’s fighting like hell to come back to you.”

The air gets stuck in her throat at hearing his words but his smile remains the same, and somehow his support means so much more than any other. Fresh new tears roll down her cheeks and he pouts as she wipes them out.

“We should dope him more often.” Raven adds with a smile of her own before growing serious. “He’s right. _We’re all_ going to be okay, Clarke. We’ve been through too much to not end up on a happy note.”

“Her pulse is steady.” Her mom chirps in, though it was the first thing that Clarke noticed when she took Lexa’s hand. “I’m not worried, Clarke. She’s going to wake up.”

Bellamy is now holding her free hand and he’s thanking Abby before Clarke can even think of it. She tries to smile for her mother but she can only think of breathing right now. She knows that Bellamy won’t be this supportive once the drugs wear off, his distrust for everything that the Grounders stand for is still there but she will always have this moment.

…

Lexa wakes up in a familiar bed and with an unusual weight settled on her right side. She recognizes her house across the Market and her personal chambers but she does not remember getting here or why anyone would believe suitable for her to be brought back to her house in the Capitol instead of the Tower.

Her questions, however, are put on hold by the light squeeze on her chest and looking down she notices a hand gripping the night robe she’s been changed into. Clarke is asleep by her side, her upper body pressed against Lexa’s arm and side, and legs tangled up beneath the thick furs that are shielding them from the sharp cold morning breeze.

A warmth spreads through her body at seeing Clarke sleeping so soundly by her side but the feeling is fleeting. A hand grabs her robe tighter and fingers press more insistently against her chest. The battle comes back at her in vivid memories and as if awoken by her memory the cuts and bruises on her body all beat at the same time and she hurts all over.

It takes a couple of seconds to understand that Clarke is trying to feel her heartbeat, even while asleep.

She recalls the swords, the fighting, the blood, the snow and then Nia, followed by the bomb. The last Mountain Man, the poison. She was poisoned but she’s back in Polis now, on her bed, with Clarke safely tucked by her side.

If this is a dream and her fight is truly over, she’ll forever be resentful of the Gods because it’ll be too cruel to give her this and then take it away.

But her pain is real and a hurt chuckle almost makes it pass her lips, and she’d have laughed if she weren’t hurting all over, both physically and emotionally. Lexa has no doubt that Clarke’s stubbornness to accept her fate is the only thing that saved her.

Before she can truly meditate on everything that’s happened the wooden door of her bedroom cracks as it’s opened from the outside and Lexa reaches under her pillow -where she usually keeps her dagger- but finds nothing there, though there must be warriors guarding her doors.

“Hey.” Clarke blinks herself awake when Lexa keeps moving but when their eyes meet they both freeze. “You’re awake.” Clarke’s voice breaks and her trembling fingers reach up to tentatively touch Lexa’s chin.

“I am.” Lexa nods, slightly dazed from waking up with Clarke in her arms and Abby excuses herself quietly before leaving the room.

“Lexa.” Clarke gasps out her name and the tears in her eyes gather there so fast that Lexa has only noticed them when a smile so bright takes over Clarke’s lips and laughter is coming out of her in short patterns. And then she’s being kissed, over and over again Clarke’s lips crash softly against hers, desperate and _happy_.

“You’re alive.” Clarke cries and smiles at the same time, and her lips keep kissing every inch of Lexa’s face. And in this moment Lexa knows that no dream can ever surpass this reality. “You’re alive.”

It takes great effort to move her arms at will but she’s a warrior first and fighting her way through pain is second nature. She holds Clarke close to her chest and responds to her kisses as best as she can and though she feels so tired she knows that she’s rested more than she should have.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” She murmurs against soft lips and her betrothed finally stops. Lexa already misses her lips against her own.

“What? Why?”

“I can only imagine the meetings you had to attend to in my absence.” She tries for a small smile and Clarke looks elsewhere. The truth is that Lexa can see how terrified Clarke’s been and still is, and it weighs on her immensely because she knows their customs like the back of her hand. That’s how she knows where Clarke sat during whatever meeting was held while she was unconscious.

“You made me a promise.” Clarke reminds her instead of following her chosen path of conversation.

“I did.” Lexa nods and tries to swallow, only to find out that throat is too dry to do so. Clarke wastes no time in providing water for her.

“You need to keep it.” Clarke harshly says when she’s done drinking and she’s keeping Lexa’s face close to her own.

“I will.” She sits up with great effort and more of Clarke’s assistance. “I will always be with you.”

Her vow is answered with a slighter longer kiss that leaves her breathless and aching. But time is not yet theirs and soon Clarke is filling her up in everything she missed in the last thirty hours. They talk about the warriors, the food, the healers and the Ark Doctors, they discuss Titus and the rest of the Advisors, and finally they talk about Nia and her daughter.

At first Lexa feels slightly at peace at knowing that things have been handled exactly the way she would have wanted them to and then Clarke mentions Ontari and Lexa knows -even before Clarke says it- that she’s about to change their world, yet again.

“Death is not always the answer.” Clarke says. “I understand that your customs can’t change overnight but this could be a starting point. We can build a world where our children can flourish.”

“You wish to spare Ontari’s life.” Lexa says it like it is and Clarke matches her own stare.

“She saved your life.” Clarke adds as an afterthought, as if maybe Lexa didn’t hear her the first time she mentioned it, as if it would make it easier to decide.

“Blood must have blood.” She recites but as it often happens, Clarke is once again right. Killing has never been Lexa’s chosen way of dealing with crimes, but it is what their people expect. One person cannot pay for the crimes of an entire regimen and Clarke sees this. Clarke understands the value of a life and her motivations for this proposal aren’t selfish or even remotely greedy. After all the death she’s seen and all the loss she’s felt, Clarke wants to live in a world where they can _live_ , where their children can grow up and where they can choose who they want to be in it.

No one will back her up, Lexa is certain of this but at the end of the day she is Heda.

“Everything you’ve done, you’ve done so to achieve peace. You can show the world a better way. Someone has to take the first step. Let it be you.”

This time Lexa is the one to look away. Nothing she says or does will change Clarke’s mind because that’s who she is, and she’s already decided that Ontari deserves a second chance and she won’t stop until she gets it. Not that Lexa can’t see the appeal in such a world, she yearns deeply for it.

“This will be a hard path, Clarke.” She warns and Clarke frowns in understanding.

“I know.”

Mind made up, Lexa takes a deep breath before announcing what will either become her legacy or her end.

“Then let it be known. Blood must not have blood.”

…

 


	24. Not a happy ending

**CHAPTER 24**

…

Lexa is unsteady on her feet, that’s the first thing that Clarke notices when they make their way out of the room together.

The entire morning has been a whirlwind of activities; and between the Advisors paying their respective visits to their Heda and the maidens working around them to make Lexa ready for the Summit, Clarke has barely had the time to notice the discomfort in her betrothed movements until now. 

The amount of effort that Lexa is using to keep placing one foot in front of the other might be invisible for the rest but not for Clarke. She can tell how tired Lexa feels just by the way her jaw keeps tightening and by the hand on her back that keeps getting heavier against her as Lexa leans on her more and more without being able to help it.

They’re about to enter the meeting room when Clarke wishes to stop, but even as the thought surfaces in her mind she knows that it’s not possible and Lexa would never allow it. And Lexa _looks_ fine, no one will know how much she’s trying and every bruise on her face, every cut visible on her skin is another statement of her immense strength.

Soon -Clarke reminds herself-, soon they’ll have the time they need to unwind, to breathe, to rest and maybe even more.

Today the room feels different than it did the day before, today every Leader and Ambassador look proud, joyful, and loving even. The contrast between the treatment she got when Clarke sat on the same throne that now Lexa is rightfully sitting in, is too clear to miss. They both have the respect of the people but it’s clear who they _fear_ and who they sincerely _love_.

“Be seated, my brothers.” Lexa speaks and her voice breaks the solemn silence that was enveloping them all a second ago. As everyone rushes to bow and sit, Clarke realizes that no one actually expected Lexa to survive the poison, that’s why the surprise is too big to shake. They all seem to be staring at a ghost and not their Commander in the flesh.

Clarke can’t deny that she was far too close to give up on hope as well but while her hope could have been shattered and pulverized, everyone else’s was shifting towards her. Out of fear or not, the Grounders were ready to accept her as their leader and she would have been unable to deny them without facing terrible consequences, for herself and her people alike. 

Standing by the throne with Lexa in it feels right, it does not feel comfortable but it is bearable. She figures she could never be comfortable in a place, in a world where Lexa’s life is constantly on the line.

Lexa’s posture, however, suggests a certain ease that only comes with accepting one’s fate and this role, this power set upon her shoulders fits her in a way that Clarke is still amazed to witness.   

When Lexa speaks again Clarke recognizes the steel in her voice and she lets it wash over her as she observes the people around them and their reactions.

Despite knowing that an antidote was involved, the Leaders still look awestruck and their eyes shift from Lexa to Clarke, as if trying to figure out what exactly is that she did and how she did it. It wouldn’t do them any good to know how scared she was and how she cried herself to sleep by Lexa’s side last night begging her to come back and praying to Gods she’s only ever heard of in stories being told.

But everything is a play in this game, everything they do is judged and interpreted by everyone else. That is how Clarke knows that they have never been as strong as they are now and the people have never been as loyal to them, to Lexa, to her Coalition. Change has never been more possible than it is today.

Lexa goes over every aspect they didn’t touch the day before and none contradict her, not even Titus is willing to share his opinion on any matter. And when the Summit is over and the Commander is ready to lead them all to the Temple where the ceremony will take place, Indra stands up and earnestly retrieves her sword from its handle and places it before the throne where she kneels right after with owed written on her features for everyone to see.

“Heda.” Is all that falls from her lips as she bows so low that her forehead nearly touches the ground. The act touches Clarke’s heart but she has little to no time to process as the rest of the Clans’ Leaders also offer the Commander their best weapon and lay it before her in an act of utmost submission and loyalty before they fall to their knees too.

No one has survived being poisoned by the Azgeda and as far as their beliefs go, Wanheda commanded death away to save the life of Heda, the life of her wife to be. There’s never been a greater act of love in their history.

It takes Lexa a lot of effort to stand up but Clarke manages to stand back and she chooses to kneel as well as everyone else. This way the Coalition remains, and everyone’s faith stays where it belongs, where Clarke’s is.

“Hail warriors of the Thirteen Clans.” Lexa’s voice is strong but not untouched.

“Hail Commander of the Blood.” Clarke claims along everyone else and there is a part of her that in this moment believes that Lexa is an ethereal being, but there she is stretching out a hand for Clarke to take as she voices one last command.

“Rise.” The hand that is holding Clarke’s is trembling slightly and it doesn’t let go even after everyone has stood back up. “ _Oso laik won_. _Oso laik yuj ogeda_.”

The Leaders and every attendant bow one more time before Lexa proceeds to lead the short walk that will take them to where The Temple of the Elders once stood tall.

On their way Clarke catches the eye of her mother and her friends among the crowd and wishes they’d turn around and walk away because she knows that they won’t understand what is about to happen, she’s not even sure that she does anymore.

The ceremony is short with somber music playing softly in the background and the murmurs of hundreds of prayers filling the otherwise quiet early afternoon. The Nightbloods stand alongside the Advisors and Clarke soon realizes that this is another lesson they’re learning, as is everything that Lexa says and does.

The Elders were devoted and chaste man, they have no family left and yet all of Polis mourns them as if they were everyone’s fathers.

In her short speech Lexa promises a new era, a time for peace if everyone is willing to have it, but she does not mention what was spoken with Clarke in the privacy of her room. _Not yet_ , she had said before they left the house and Clarke trusts that she will find the right moment to make their plans known.

Despite hurting, Lexa doesn’t share her tears and kindly but pointedly reminds everyone that death is not the end. Though the people around her don’t have the same limitations and their tears flow freely and without reserves, and Clarke can’t imagine holding back as much emotion as Lexa believes is necessary in this circumstance. But Clarke observes and it’s because she does so with the privilege of being Lexa’s betrothed that she sees how important it is for Lexa to remain this calm, to be the rock that all her people can lean on. Because that’s what they do, that’s what everybody does, they can allow themselves to be weak because they know that their leader stands strong and unwavering.

This blind trust only serves to break Clarke’s heart a little more and she knows that as much as she can see, as much as she is _allowed_ to see, she will never completely understand what it means to be Heda and what Heda means to her people.

As Lexa lights a symbolic fire to say goodbye to all the lives that were lost Clarke can only stand aside and silently promise to never leave Lexa’s side, because she might not fully grasp what Lexa’s life has taken from her or what it will continue to take, but she can always make sure that Heda is not alone and always, _always_ has someone waiting for her who doesn’t expect her to be a standing rock all of the time.

The fire does little to scare away the chilly wind that is constantly blowing in every direction, nor does it muffle the sound of a weeping crowd. This is the last part of the commemoration, the fire symbolizes a farewell to the lost ones but the death of the murderers is what will put an end to this dark episode for good. 

“Bring out the Queen and her daughter.” As always, Lexa’s voice doesn’t tremble when she gives the order and the guards are quick on their feet and soon they shove Nia and Dita to the ground in front of Lexa and her court. The crowd is now quieter, expectant.

For a moment Clarke is painfully aware of how much she shows when she sees the two women but she is not slow in schooling her expression back to one of neutrality. These are not people deserving of her compassion, not after what they did, not after what they planned to do to her, not after what they planned to do to Lexa.

But she still feels and she’s repulsed by how much she wants to offer help. It’s obvious that both women took a beating -or several- in the last twenty four hours while Lexa was still unconscious and Clarke can only think of one person who will order something like this.

So her eyes search for Titus’ and she’s not really surprised to see him clench his jaw and raise it an inch or two in challenge from where he stands opposite Clarke, on Lexa’s left side. Her mind instantly reminds her of Ontari and how she is also a prisoner under Titus’ hold for now and she fears her intentions were at all revealed even before Lexa announced their plan to spare the warrior’s life.

“Skaikru trash is now giving the orders?” Nia spits out the accusation with disgust at seeing Clarke, as if she were still in a place of power, as if she could afford to throw insults. However, Clarke wasn’t expecting for the jab to hurt as much as it does.

She’s an outsider and Nia is certainly not the only grounder who feels as if the Sky People came out of nowhere and began claiming things that never belonged to them in the first place.

Lexa is far from allowing even the slightest of slips from the Queen though.

So caught up in watching the beaten Queen on her knees, Clarke misses the signal that has the guards rushing to grab Nia and Dita respectively. Lexa has her knife in her hand in an instant and her steps don’t falter as she closes in on the Queen without hesitating at all.

“She asked for this.” Leo is by Clarke’s side just as fast and whispering these words close to her ear in time for Clarke to stop her advances. She can’t deny how scared she is to see Lexa so close to the older woman like this but she _knows_ that she can’t interrupt whatever it is about to happen, even though she wants to.

“That was the last time you disrespected me and my soon to be wife, Nia.”

Ando is the one who forces Nia’s mouth open and Lexa wastes no time in cutting off her tongue with morbid precision that leads Clarke to believe that this isn’t the first time Lexa’s done this. It’s over so fast that Clarke doesn’t even have the time to gasp before she sees the blood coming out of Nia’s mouth and the piece of flesh being unceremoniously thrown to the ground.

“ _Teik em set raun ona tri_.” Lexa’s voice booms above the Queen’s moans of pain and her order is taken without any reluctance. Not even Dita is able to react in the short seconds that all of it happens.

Clarke is shaking but she manages to stay upright and seemingly put together through it all. Leo squeezes her arm softly before following the guards and Lexa returns to her side, and worried eyes search hers in return in a silent quest. Clarke nods slightly and breathes in deeply. She’s fine and she understands.

Dita has been gagged and mother and daughter end up tied in the same tree with just barely enough space left between them by the trunk to avoid physical contact. This was always supposed to happen, Lexa said that violence will be an inevitability today.

There is no speech reserved for the Queen and Princess of the Ice Nation, there is no honor in their deaths, there is nothing left behind that will be worth remembering and apparently there is nothing that Lexa is willing to say in their name.

The order is a simple hand gesture and Leo is the first one to run his blade through Nia’s fingers. The Queen angrily growls, blood spluttering from her lips but Leo doesn’t cut off her fingers, no, he doesn’t even cut deep enough to draw much blood, and this is how Clarke knows that this won’t be a short execution at all.

The Queen and her daughter aren’t wearing much and Clarke observes with a sick stomach as Amada and Luca also step close enough to run the blades of their swords on Nia’s stomach and cheek respectively. Just like Lexa predicted, Dita hasn’t been touched yet. Since everyone has the right to a cut only, they’d choose to satiate their vengeance on the Queen herself, she’d said. Titus stays behind though, choosing to wait.

Not far from where Clarke stands Roan watches the slow execution with obvious discomfort, though he tries hard to conceal it, to appear strong. Abby and her friends aren’t much different either and Clarke remembers Gustus, and the sharp turn his life took not too long ago. This isn’t the first time her family is watching something like this but maybe, hopefully, it’ll be the last. 

The next person to walk ahead is a warrior who isn’t trying to hide the tears falling down his cheeks but who is obviously trying very hard to not impale his sword through Nia’s middle when he cuts her stomach from side to side. The Queen groans as the warrior angrily snarls and Clarke takes notice of how superficial the wound he’s leaving behind is, though he seems oddly satisfied when he walks away.

One by one, warriors and folk take turns at cutting the Queen -only the Queen- and Dita’s anxiety grows larger by the second as Nia begins to lose the battle against pain and her groans turn into screams.

But none of the Capitol Citizens seem to want to stop the pain the Queen is so obviously enduring. The sight makes Clarke uneasy, she does her best to control her facial expressions and the fidgeting of her limbs that she doesn’t understand how so many people as a whole can look at a woman being tortured to death and not even blink differently. These acts aren’t simply the law, this isn’t just revenge or justice; this is something every single Grounder beliefs is right and deserved.

Uneasy and on the edge of panic, Clarke finally looks away and Lexa is right there to offer an impassive stare that doesn’t really help right now.

“It’ll be over soon.” Lexa tells her lowly but they both know that isn’t true.

At some point during the first hour -when Nia is already a bloody mess and Dita keeps screaming through her gag- Titus provides two chairs for Lexa and Clarke to sit, and it feels wrong to have front row seats to this act.

The crowd seems to grow larger the closest the night comes and no one seems bothered by the snow, or the cold. The white ground is tainted red where Nia and her daughter still breathe, and Clarke knows that she’ll end up drawing this moment over and over again until her dying day.

Lexa is a statue by her side, her sharp jaw so tensed it looks like it could glass. Lexa doesn’t enjoy this, she sees the wrong in it and she’s willing to change their ways after giving her people this one last death, and that knowledge eases Clarke somewhat.

…

It’s only been a couple of hours but it feels like an eternity when Indra takes her turn and -to the surprise of everyone- stops in front of the Ice Princess before drawing her knife and cutting a deep and large wound down her arm.

Clarke’s eyes instinctively search for Roan when Dita groans her pain, only to see him rushing away. The invitation is made after Indra goes back to her place in the crowd.

The minutes drag on and Clarke can’t explain how a person can bleed so much and remain conscious and alive, but somehow Nia continues to blink tired eyelids at her direction and Dita doesn’t stop screaming.

When torches are lit and the Nightbloods are send back to the Tower, Clarke can barely stand the sight in front of her anymore. Yes, Nia is due to pay for everything that she’s done but Dita was only following orders, and her biggest crime was probably taking Clarke away and burn a symbol on her forehead forever.

However, Lexa and the Advisors endure what’s being done with a rigid spine and unforgiving eyes. So Clarke remembers and she feels terrible for having forgotten about Costia for even a single day. She’s seen how the Grounders love, and how strong and protective they are of their hearts, and there is nothing, _no one_ that they love more than their Commander.

All of these people knew Lexa before Costia’s death and they all suffered her lost like one. But it wasn’t enough to take a loved one from the Commander, Nia took the Elders away from this civilization and tried to take Clarke the same way, and tonight the people is unforgiving.

She’s no saint either and she’s aware. Clarke recalls the glowing rage that blinded her when Lexa was poisoned and the way she didn’t falter when she shot at Dita and missed her by an inch. She knows loss and she knows pain, and she knows the wish for revenge but this is not it.

It’s almost midnight and twelve hours have passed since Queen and Princess were tied to that post, and Clarke finally realizes that none of the people witnessing their deaths are even remotely okay with it. But these are their ways, this is how Nia pays what she’s done on this earth, on this life. This is how she answers to all of those whom she’s hurt. Clarke finally understand that this is Grounder justice, not revenge. Never revenge.  

No one eats, no one drinks and no one complains. No one is disrespectful, even if the lives that are being taken away have done so much wrong. No one rejoices.

“You see it.” Lexa’s soft voice pulls at her and Clarke nods lightly, eyes staring deeply into her love’s tired ones.

“I see it.”

Always observant, Lexa’s lips twitch in something close to a grimace before she stretches out and takes Clarke’s cold hand. Justice as the Grounders know it is about to change but not without resistance.

…

After midnight there is not a single spot in Nia’s body that hasn’t been cut, none too deep and none too wide, but fatal nonetheless. Clarke knows by the way the Queen is shaking and spasming that she will not last another hour, the cold will claim her life soon but the blood loss may do it sooner.

Dita still stands strong, if a little shaky, and she’s still angry when Lexa finally rises from her seat and the crowd’s attention stirs. Clarke falls behind Lexa right along with Titus and they both notice Lexa’s short and slow steps, though none say a word about it.

Behind the post the ruins of the temple are covered in white snow and the poetic sight isn’t lost on Clarke.

Despite the ache in her body and the tiredness of her muscles, Lexa stands as strong and regal as ever in front of the woman who has brought her nothing but pain for years.

“From the ashes, we rise.” Her voice breaks the silent spell that no one has dared to break until now and the slashing sound of her sword as she retrieves it from its holder sends chills down Clarke’s and everyone else’s back. Lexa doesn’t drag the moment on, eager to close this chapter in their lives once and for all.

“ _Yu gonplei ste odon_.” She recites the traditional words before piercing through Queen Nia’s chest with her sword.

Nia barely gasps, her eyelids barely flutter and the shortest of breathes leaves her parted lips before she’s gone and Lexa retrieves her sword with a shattered breath of her own. It’s over so soon that no one seems to notice its happened.

Dita has gone extremely quiet and still, but when Clarke and Lexa round the post to face her, the princess tries her hardest to get to them and Clarke has to look away because she’d not stay still either after hearing her mother take her last breath and she feels for Dita, though she wishes she wouldn’t. She’s surprised to see Lexa remove the gag from the Princess’ mouth though.

“Everything we did, we did it for our people!” The Princess growls through her tears and Clarke startles at the admission.

How many times has she said the same thing? How many times has she said it with the same conviction in which Dita claims it now?

“Your people are my people, Dita Kom Azgeda, don’t forget that.” Lexa calmly speaks, the sword in her hand dripping warm blood on the dirty snow calling more attention that she’d liked. “Every harvest returned to the Capitol was not my doing, it was your mother’s. I kept my word and provided for your Clan the same way I vowed to provide for every Clan in my Coalition.”

Dita’s eyes widen then, Lexa’s words surprising her to the point where she stammers through her words more than once until she gives up and closes her mouth for good. Her eyes search for Clarke and Clarke can’t look away when Dita begs her to deny what Lexa is saying with a desperate stare. But she can’t because despite everything, Dita deserves to know that her people will not suffer again.

“I kept my word. I was fair when I could have chosen not to be. I chose peace instead of revenge. I chose prosperity instead of hunger and war. And now I chose peace again, I chose peace and justice.”

“You’re lying.” Dita interrupts and Lexa has to stop Titus from slapping the Princess with a raised hand that speaks for itself. Clarke forces herself to look and she sees the same devastation that took over Ontari wash over Dita’s face.

“I’m not. I never wanted this.” Lexa admits in a soft voice that Clarke knows too well, but Lexa recovers fast and moves on quickly, puts an end to everything in less than a second alone. “ _Yu gonplei ste odon_.”

Clarke misses the moment that Lexa raises the sword, she blinks and she doesn’t even see the moment that the sword pierces through Dita’s chest, but she does see the life leave the Princess’ blue eyes so clearly and for a couple of agonizingly long seconds she can’t look away.

Lexa retrieves her sword with a gushing sound that makes Clarke jump back and reminds her to breathe, and by the time she’s recovered the ability to think, Lexa and Leo are already escorting her back to the house and she’s no longer surrounded by a freezing crowd that hasn’t moved yet out of respect.

…

 _Oso laik won_ =  We are one.

 _Oso laik yuj ogeda_ =  We are strong together.

 _Teik em set raun ona tri_ = Put her on the tree.

 _Yu gonplei ste odon_ = Your fight is over.

 


	25. Switch of power

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for continuing to read this story. I know I’m not the best when it comes to updates, though trust me that every free minute I get I dedicate it to writing this story. It’s been a crazy couple of months for me but I’m glad with the outcomes and to see that this dedication hasn’t been in vain and now I get to have a business of my own and that makes me very giddy as it terrifies me to the bones as well. (Not gonna lie.)
> 
> With that out of the way I do want to touch a few points of this fic that some of you have been mentioning in your reviews more than a couple of times. First of all, the g!p thing isn’t really a thing anymore because as you know Clarke has been taking care of Lexa a lot in the last couple of chapters, they’ve slept together in the same bed and they’ve been around each other while they change and a series of other situations too, so it’s not a secret. Second (and I feel like this is the most important one because you guys keep mentioning it) no, they haven’t had sex yet. (This fic is tagged! Look up.)
> 
> Something else that always comes up is Ontari’s fate and I’ll just say that I really, really like Ontari as a character and I can’t wait to keep writing her. I also really liked Dita and writing her off was painful, I wanted to let her live so much and I kept looking for a loophole in Grounder’s laws to let her live but I couldn’t find one. I adored her, truly. When writing her last line I drank a whole beer in her honor in one go. (I don’t know why I’m telling you this.) And writing chapter 24 was really hard, I really have no idea when or why I grew sympathetic of Nia but apparently I did because I found it very difficult, or maybe it was just the entire situation hitting me. Maybe. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading this. I will finish this fic, even if it takes me another year to do so. (Someone mentioned that this fic is two years old already. I can’t believe it’s been that long.)

 

**CHAPTER 25**

**…**

Is not easy to watch Clarke sit immobile by the window for the majority of the night. Lexa tries very hard to keep her eyes open but exhaustion is not something she can easily get rid of, so she comes in and out of sleep every few minutes, and Clarke remains stoic where she sits. 

She hasn’t dreamt of Costia in so long that when Costia’s lovely smile appears in her dreams she startles awake instantly and rather brusquely. Nia is gone, she reminds herself, Nia is gone and she won’t be able to touch Clarke ever again. She couldn’t keep Costia save from the Queen but that threat is gone. Is gone. 

No matter how tired the Commander truly is, she cannot rest unbothered. Each time she closes her eyes she sees a new dead body in her dreams, another nameless face succumbing to the force of her sword in the battlefield and she wishes she could forget as easy as she was built to kill, but she can’t and as necessary as sleep is she silently fears it. 

Clarke is new to all of this, not the death part. Lexa knows that Clarke has seen her fair share of death in her life in the space and even more so in her short time on the ground. No, Clarke is new to the war, to the clashing of swords, to the aftermath of a massive confrontation and to the rivers of blood left in the wake of all that anger and desperation. Clarke is not even new to losing a loved one and Lexa was present when her ever brave betrothed took the life of the boy she once loved to spare him the fate of her people’s blade.

No, Clarke is not weak, life has decided that she’d be strong and she is not easily spooked either. Now the tables have turned, there is no Queen to intimidate and no armies to sway, there is not a war on the horizon, quite the opposite actually. Their lives await, not without struggle but not with the shadow of an angry Queen wanting their heads either.   

Lexa doesn’t know what to expect as the sun fights to shine through the gray clouds above and morning greets her with a chill and Clarke’s blond hair shining just as bright as a summer morning does. She wants to ease Clarke’s mind, to pull her back from her thoughts but she says nothing instead. Clarke knows she’s here. 

Sleep has never bothered her this much in the past. 

… 

Clarke is sitting next to her on their bed when she wakes up again, fingers absentmindedly fiddling with a little piece of paper in her hands and red tired eyes staring at nothing in particular. Lexa is afraid to move at first but despite a sleepless night, Clarke doesn’t look as haunted as she did the night before. 

“I thought I’d lost this.” Clarke speaks, her voice sounding rough, tired, and sadness instantly envelops Lexa. If she could have spare Clarke from seeing Nia’s death, she would have. “I found it on the nightstand when we came in last night. I knew I had it when I was taken. I don’t know how it ended up back here. I thought I had lost it.”

Clarke’s voice breaks and Lexa finally recognizes the paper in her hand. Is the little piece of parchment she sent with Leo when meetings before the Summit ran late and she needed to send a message to assure Clarke that everything was well. She didn’t know that Clarke had kept it.

“When I woke up that morning I still felt like I could hate you.” Clarke continues, eyes still refusing to meet Lexa and Lexa too afraid to move or say a word. Her choices are hers to bare, she knows this. “I couldn’t trust you and my mother, my friends… they just kept...”

A long moment passes and the silence stretches between them heavily, and when Clarke looks back Lexa reaches out instinctively to wipe away the tears that have begun to fall down Clarke’s cheeks and her throat closes in at the sight. All their bruises will soon be gone but the scars left by their actions will forever remain. 

“I had to defend you.” Clarke confesses as she nuzzles herself in Lexa’s palm and then carefully slides underneath the thick furs to wrap her arms around the Commander in search of comfort that she immediately finds in the arms of her soon to be wife. It’s been such a long night for both of them. 

“And then you sent this message and I must have known then because this meant so much to me, even though I knew that it was  _ just _ a piece of paper.” Lexa can’t look away from Clarke’s eyes and the sincerity there astonishes her. She doesn’t want to look away. Like everything else in their meticulous relationship, she wants to shield this moment from the world. “I held onto it for the rest of the day and during the Summit, it gave me strength and it kept reminding me that you care, that you have always cared.”

“Clarke.”

“I love you.” Clarke breathes out, fingers dancing over Lexa’s lips to keep her silent for a little while longer and Lexa allows it. “I love you so much that somehow I know what you’re thinking, and you’re wrong. You are so wrong.”

Startled, Lexa can’t do nothing but stare. Doubt has been crawling beneath her skin for hours now and she refused to let it eat her up. Clarke has seen this doubt even when Lexa was trying so hard to ignore it, and now she’s addressing it openly. The fingers grazing her lips then pull her closer to the wild creature laying beside her and they pull until she’s being softly kissed. 

Clarke kisses her until all that doubt has evaporated. Clarke loves her and she will not run, she’ll stay. Clarke will stay and Lexa is still astonished to see how deep Clarke loves. 

Clarke’s voice is still rough when she speaks but it no longer wavers. “I am not going anywhere. You promised me a wedding.” She adds the last part with a broken smile that makes Lexa’s heart throb and she smiles back just as brokenly. And maybe is okay to be broken together because they won’t crumble, they will survive. 

“Are you sure?” She asks and Clarke kisses her again in response, and somehow that’s all the answer needed. But the fear is there, in Clarke’s blue eyes, pulling back at her smile and unsettling them despite having all the reasons to be happy. 

Lexa knows to enjoy these moments, these so far in between moments of peace and true love. She was taught to endure what she has when she has it, to be happy when she could be and to be resilient when happiness was something she couldn’t reach. But she understands Clarke’s hesitance to embrace this because the earth has taught her to never let her guard down and Lexa herself helped to teach her that lesson. 

The fear is there though, it doesn’t leave her and it makes her feel so grateful and mostly protective of the rare moments of peace that they’ve been granted so far. 

“We should not leave this bed.” She finds herself purposing but Clarke is unmoving on her shoulder, already asleep.

… 

The wind picks up as the morning progresses, making the snow swirl as it slowly falls to the ground and the streets empty as the people prefer to stay at home beside a lit hearth and in the company of their families that going outside. 

There is no rush this morning, the worst has passed and the people know it. 

In the Tower, inside the Commander’s chambers, Clarke snuzzles deeper into the heatsource beside her and she breathes in the distinctive smell of Lexa’s hair, smiling even before opening her eyes because she knows what she’ll see and she loves it, even before seeing it. 

Lexa asleep is beautiful, she always is, really. But Clarke likes this sight a little too much, when Lexa is sleeping and she can see the young woman beneath the power, she can see the beauty and the softness that lay underneath the surface, and she can feel the trust. Yeah, she definitely loves this Lexa the most. 

Yesterday feels so distant and foreign that Clarke is almost convinced that it didn’t happen at all. But the memories are there, fresh in her mind and stabbing a bleeding wound in her chest every time she closes her eyes. The worst is over but another war is about to begin. Prisoners are still waiting for their executions and Ontari’s fate will mark whatever future they have left on this earth. Today will be just as long a day as yesterday was. 

Without Nia to threaten their lives Clarke can almost breathe a little easier and if she could always hold Lexa like she’s doing now, she’s certain that she’ll endure anything that comes her way. But her decision regarding Ontari is a heavy one to carry and she wonders if she’s doing the right thing or not. 

When her eyes begin to burn with unshed tears she buries her face in Lexa’s neck and holds on even tighter. She’s so tired of crying and seeing Lexa’s bruises does not help ease her mind. To think that only days ago Lexa could have died is unbearable but she has this, this tangible reminder that Lexa is alive and well, and still so incredibly selfless. 

Now Clarke knows that Lexa is not willing to do anything that might make Clarke uncomfortable or feel like she’s being forced into because Lexa loves her, and Lexa will endure the disappointment of her people and perhaps even death if it meant that Clarke gets to walk away a free woman. But Clarke has come to understand the Grounders well and she gets that her life -just like Lexa’s- belongs to the people now, she’s made peace with that information and what it upholds. 

They can do what no one else has been able to do before. Together they can start a new regimen and Lexa knows this. 

With a soft kiss to Lexa’s chin Clarke attempts to wake her up and she has to resist the urge to keep kissing her as the woman next to her blinks and squints her eyes before stubbornly closing them again, refusing to wake up just yet, her arms tightening around Clarke. 

While Clarke was the one who sat by the window until the morning broke through, Lexa was just as restless in bed. Every few minutes Clarke watched the Commander surrender to sleep only to be roughly awaken by her dreams a few minutes later. 

This war they waged wasn’t Lexa’s first battle, Clarke knows there have been many in the past but Lexa has not grown accustomed to killing and she is forever grateful for that. 

“Your thoughts are loud,  _ niron _ .” Lexa murmurs sleepily and without opening her eyes. Clarke softly kisses the bruise by her chin in response. “Close your eyes. Stay here.” The Commander asks with humor and a soft squeeze to Clarke’s waist, a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips when Clarke kisses her chin again and runs her fingertips on her lips.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Clarke promises and in this moment she vows to keep this promise.

“Promise me.” Lexa urges her and her eyelids flutter open to reveal light green eyes that are solely focused on Clarke. Clarke loves these eyes, she loves the woman holding her, she loves their journey and she loves the future that awaits for them. With a soft smile she accepts that she can’t wait to live her life with Lexa.  

“I promise to always love you.” Clarke vows and Lexa turns, shuffling in the mattress until she’s facing Clarke fully, her left hand on Clarke’s waist keeping them close together. “To always believe in you.”

Lexa’s eyes shine with trust, with love, with utter devotion and with a pang of sadness Clarke realizes that this is the exact same look that Lexa’s been giving her since so long ago. 

Who would have thought that this is where she’d be one day? That she could be as lucky as to be loved like this? Who would have thought that she could one day love the way she loves now?

“I feel like I could fly if I wanted to.” Her lips are moving even before she has the time to process the thought but Lexa listens, and smiles while squeezing Clarke’s waist affectionately, encouragingly. “I love you so much.”

Lexa’s lips are on hers as soon as the declaration is out of her mouth and it takes Clarke’s breath away. The way Lexa is kissing her, hungry and hot, it makes Clarke’s head spin and her chest feel warm and full. 

Until now, Lexa’s kisses have been soft and careful, and Clarke was always left feeling like there is so much more that she’s not being showed. Now Lexa is kissing her with need and a hungry desperation, as if she’s trying to express everything she’s feeling with her lips and Clarke is eagerly kissing her back hoping that Lexa can feel everything she’s not saying too. 

Lexa’s mouth is a bit dominant and Clarke inexplicably loves it. There is no rush to take it any further  no matter how desperate their lips kiss and their hands roam on their bodies. 

They pull back to draw in air but neither takes longer than a second to close the gap between their lips once more. Lexa’s hand is pressing against her lower back as if Clarke’s body wasn’t firmly pressed against hers already, as if it weren’t enough and it’s not, Clarke can feel it too. 

Gripping Lexa’s hair Clarke pulls herself closer to the Commander and they’re a tangled mess between the sheets but it isn’t enough, it makes Clarke grow irrationally jealous of their skins and clothes. She’s panting and Lexa is carefully kissing a path down her neck as her hand grips Clarke’s waist strongly, conveying a silent request with a subtle thrust of her hips that makes Clarke’s head spin and a shattered breath to leave her parted lips. She hasn’t felt like this in so long that suddenly every sensation is electrifying and easily intensified. 

“ _ Heda _ .” Comes the call from outside of their bedroom and Lexa’s lips still against skin where they were sucking just underneath Clarke’s ear. Neither one of them moves, both hoping against hope that whoever called would just leave. Both secretly knowing that it won’t happen.

“Heda.” Titus’ voice is louder and three knocks on their door follow his call this time, and Lexa reluctantly pulls back as Clarke returns to her side to lay on her back, eyes following every movement of a now frowning Commander. Their breaths are shattered, they’re gasping for air but they’d have willingly suffer a little longer. 

“What is it?” Lexa calls back and Titus would be a fool to not notice the cutting edge lacing her voice. It’s not like Lexa would deliberately ignore her duties but Clarke can feel the irritation of the interruption in her bones, and she understands. 

Titus doesn’t answer at first and when the door opens he is quick to enter before the guards close it back. Clarke grips the furs instinctively and pulls them up to her chin before he even has the chance to notice them, though she is fully dressed and she reacts instinctively more than anything. 

“I did not gave you permission to enter.” Lexa growls and sits up on the edge of the mattress to address her Advisor. Lexa is only wearing her bandages and Clarke watches intently at her back muscles as they flex with the exertion of Lexa’s movements, taking notice of the large red blood bruise that adorns her upper back. The sight of this battle wounded woman ignites something inside of her and Clarke gasps before reminding herself that  _ Titus  _ is now standing awkwardly inside of their room and this is not the time to be ogling Lexa and her muscles.  

Clarke’s throat has gone dry in the last few seconds and the realization of what was about to happen makes her stomach twirl and flinch, and it makes her thirsty, so, so thirsty. But the moment is gone and just like every other moment in their lives, this one is also up for judging. Titus is not aware of their arrangements and Clarke is still painfully attentive to the fact that Lexa chose to keep him in the dark about their plans, and whether their relationship has evolved immensely or not wouldn’t matter in his eyes.  

“I apologize.” Titus speaks and he doesn’t sound the least sorry for his interruption but Lexa limits herself to grit her teeth and to push the furs back to be able to stand. Clarke sits up as well, thankful that she’s fully dressed since Titus’ eyes seem to be on a mission to read right through each one of their movements. 

Titus has always been so protective, so rightful and Clarke has to latch on the knowledge that his only fuel is to keep Lexa alive to gather herself. He’s only doing his job. 

“Wait outside.” Lexa orders him and when he registers her words he dips his head in a show of respect before meeting her eyes again but not without hesitation. He won’t leave without saying what he came to say. 

“The assassins still live, Heda. The leaders grow restless and so do I.” His eyes are kept low as he delivers this news, his hands strategically behind his back to keep his composure intact, to show Lexa respect. 

For a long while Lexa doesn’t say anything and Titus doesn’t look up, and Clarke sits strangely tensed. But the muscles on Lexa’s back slowly lose and Clarke breathes a little easier at seeing her more relaxed now. They knew this was coming, they talked about it. 

“No one is to touch them for now.” Lexa speaks and Titus’ reaction doesn’t disappoint. 

“Heda.” His eyes snap up and an angry vein pops up in his forehead. Clarke immediately pushes herself against the headboard preparing herself for Lexa’s reaction in return, but Lexa is impassive as she looks back at her with a silent question in her eyes. When did words stop being necessary between them?

These moments are far in between but Clarke recognizes it for what it is as soon as Lexa’s eyes shine with unspoken words in her direction. They didn’t discuss a plan of action, they discussed strategies and possibilities. Titus’ presence is a clear sign that they need to use one of those strategies today and that Lexa was, once again, right. 

They’re about to fight a different war and Clarke was always aware of it, Lexa was never shy to tell her exactly what they’ll be getting into by keeping Ontari alive and that is why Clarke knows the order of things needs to be switched here and now. 

There are too many implications on what’s about to happen though, and Clarke sees it clearly. Lexa is evidently asking for her input on their next step while her Advisor watches in horror as his Heda turns to her for advice instead of him. 

Titus’ glare is blunt, he stares shockingly at the back of Lexa’s head and Clarke is awfully aware of that. She nods once, despite it, and Titus reacts as if he’s been hit in the head with the butt of a sword when Lexa nods back. 

Lexa turns, her strength not so obviously wavering anymore as she takes two steps closer to her Advisor. “I believe my wedding is a far more important matter than their fate, Titus. I want you to see to the preparations yourself.”

“Heda.” Titus shakes his head, takes a step forward but stops dead in his tracks when Lexa’s piercing glare is directed at him, her posture no longer relaxed as she dares him to say what’s on his mind. “Heda, I beg you to reconsider.”

“No one is to touch them for now.” Lexa repeats and he actually huffs his disapproval, his hands fisting in anger and his jaw clenched so tightly that they can all hear his teeth gritting together. 

“Clarke, will you excuse us?” His request puts Clarke in motion immediately, though the surprise catches up to her soon enough and she stops where she stands. He’s actually asking her to leave her own bedroom in an attempt to change Lexa’s mind without her in the picture. 

“Clarke is not going anywhere.” Lexa’s tone is a calculated icy one that makes Clarke falter even further as she puts on her coat, she picks up Lexa’s as an afterthought before passing it to her as well.   

Lexa and Titus are staring at each other in challenge, and Clarke navigates the obvious tension exactly like she’s been navigating them since her arrival at Polis, with conscious obliviousness. It is not her goal to pose a threat to Titus’ position in Lexa’s court. 

“We were thinking,” she says as she offers the coat to the Commander and fixes the collar once is on. “We will hold the wedding while all the Leaders are still in the Capitol, that way we avoid all that travelling for everyone.” 

Lexa is not breaking eye contact with his Advisor for the moment, though her hand rests on Clarke’s lower back now that they’re standing next to each other and Clarke smiles at the look on Titus’ face when he finally blinks and allows her words to hit home. There is no way that Clarke can tell what is going through his mind but one thing she knows for sure is that he’s used to get his way when it comes to Lexa’s decisions and how they affect the popular opinion. Having Lexa turn to her for Advice instead of him is threatening in a way and she doesn’t want him to feel threatened. However, he ought to know that Lexa is no longer alone.  

“What is the rush?” He asks and Clarke’s smile only widens. When they announced their engagement Titus seemed pleased, no doubt approving of the status that Wanheda could provide as Heda’s wife. Maybe in his mind, Lexa was seeing this too, and only this. 

He was not prepared for the strong bond they share and he’s off his game.

“It’s no rush at all.” Clarke is speaking again. “It’s been long overdue.”

The silence that stretches after her words are spoken is so uncomfortable that Clarke is bound to drop the smile and just ask him to mind his own business, but then his eyes drop and he visibly deflates. 

“Heda, please I - ”

“Leave.” Lexa cuts him off shortly. “I’ll meet with all of you in the throne room shortly.”

He hastily leaves then and as soon as the door closes behind him Lexa is opening it again. Clarke doesn’t hear the orders given but she hears enough to know that one of the guards speeds down the hallway and Lexa’s voice carries on before she’s back inside their room and harshly dropping the coat on the bed. 

“He won’t take matter in his own hands, will he?” Clarke is asking before she can stop herself.

“Not if he can’t find the prisoners.” 

Lexa is already halfway dressed for the day by the time Clarke blinks away her shock. “He’s gone over your head before?”

“Not directly.” Lexa is frowning and offering little to no information on what’s happening, and Clarke is not entirely sure if what is happening is justified or not. Is she doing the right thing? Wouldn’t it be easier to just have all the prisoners killed and be over with all of this? Begin to build a better world after all the Ice Nation assassins are gone?

“Lexa, stop.” Clarke finally snaps and Lexa lets her belt fall to the ground as she takes a breath and meets Clarke’s eyes. There is recognition in Lexa’s eyes, a flicker of an apology before she reaches for Clarke’s hands and explains. 

“I’ve ordered for the prisoners to be moved and be guarded by Amada herself. No one is to touch them until I say so.”

“But Titus-”

“Titus will be handled accordingly. I’ll have to meet with them in a few minutes and you... have to meet with the seamstress.” Lexa’s eyebrows raise slightly, hands tentatively running up and down Clarke’s arms as Clarke tries to wrap her mind around how extremely the day has just changed. 

“The dress.” Clarke concludes and Lexa easily leans in and kisses her, oblivious to the way that Clarke’s stomach flutters with the gesture before she’s kissing her again, soft and short. This is new but it doesn’t  _ feel  _ new. 

“Your wedding dress.” The Commander clarifies with another kiss before she reluctantly steps back and picks up her belt from the ground. 

“And what will you be wearing?” Clarke asks as she takes the belt from Lexa’s hands and fastens it around a slim waist. 

“Official rubs, of course.” 

“Of course.” Clarke teases back and is rewarded with another kiss.

“There will be no executions today.” Lexa declares against her lips and when Leo walks inside she doesn’t pull away. His presence still surprises Clarke to an extend. She’s never seen anyone act as freely as he does with Lexa behind closed doors and it endears her to see Leo. 

“Good morning.” He grins at their direction and Clarke can’t help to see the similarities between the two of them when they’re standing in the same room. 

“Good morning, Advisor.” Lexa grins back and Clarke sneakily kisses her chin. She doesn’t know why the idea of Lexa having  _ family _ makes her so giddy and grateful of this world but it does.

“Leo.” Clarke slightly bows her head and his grin widens. She likes to see him like this, she likes him happy and she refuses to think about the look on his face when Lexa was still unconscious from the poison and his faith began to lack. How dark their lives turned without Lexa’s light shining with them. 

“Wanheda.” He acknowledges her and Lexa’s brow furrows slightly in amusement when he leans in conspiratorially. “I say we throw Titus in a pit somewhere. Back me up on this one.”

“Not this again.” Lexa goes for her coat as Leo and Clarke share a laugh that feels justified but still strange. 

“I don’t fully disagree.” Clarke says as Lexa returns to her side with a small smile pulling at the corners of her lips. 

“Neither do I.” Lexa admits and pauses. “But everything I’ve learnt, I’ve learnt from him. Don’t be quick to judge him.”

“Where do you need me?” Leo exhales as if they’ve been through this before, as if Titus acting this way is nothing new, as if Lexa standing up for Titus is exactly what he was expecting. 

“By my side, brother.” Lexa rests her hand on Leo’s shoulder and he grins before wrapping her in a hug and kissing her cheek with utmost care while Clarke fights back tears at the scene unfolding before her eyes. 

“Are you asking me to be your witness?” He teasingly asks and Lexa playfully shoves him back. 

“I’m starting to reconsider.” 

As Lexa returns to her side, all smiles and welcoming arms, Clarke can do nothing but share her joy. Titus will still try to get to the prisoners, there is no point in denying it but for now they can bask in the knowledge that their wedding date has finally been set.

 


	26. The witness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I’ve been trying to write Bellamy’s pov for a while now and this chapter finally allowed me to get inside his head a little bit. I used to love Bellamy’s character, he was one of my favorites and I hope this chapter conveys how I’d have loved to see him grow in canon.

 

**CHAPTER 26**

… 

Bellamy is not exactly sure when he began feeling this way, but as he stares at Lexa carefully knit a flower crown on her own he can’t help the sudden wave of utter  _ care  _ that washes over him. And maybe  _ caring  _ is too strong a word, protectiveness, that’s more accurate, that’s what he feels for the Commander and he knows the feeling well, so there’s no mistaken it, but it still unsettles him.  

The Throne Room is more crowded than he’s ever seen it, the people has come to see their Commander knit the crowns for her wedding, a tradition he’s learned is very important for Grounders and a must for the Commander if she wants the Gods’ blessings for her matrimony. 

The Nightbloods stand closest to Lexa, all watching intently to the movements of her hands, always learning and observant of her and maybe it’s them, all the children surrounding her and expecting guidance from her that is making him see her in this new light but he can’t be sure. The Advisors and some of the Clan Leaders are also watching the event unfold and while Bellamy doesn’t fully understand the meaning behind watching Lexa knit two crowns, he respects it and stands dutifully close to her throne, hands gripping his gun at the ready, protecting her, like he was asked to do by his friend.  

Maybe this is it, Clarke’s request to have him close to Lexa today and become part of her guard made him feel somehow proud and he’d be the first to admit that he still has trouble with everything that the Grounders represent, but it was Clarke’s trust that made him feel grateful because she wants him to understand and what better way to do that than being by the Commander’s side. 

The event doesn’t take longer than an hour and when Lexa presents the crowns she’s knitted Bellamy smiles to himself and tries to hide his shock when people weep out of happiness for their Commander, a few of her Advisors included. He knows she lost someone in the past and by the looks that every single person is giving Lexa it’s clear that they all know it too and to a deeper extent that he does at that. And even though the people support her, love her, feel her losses and gains as if they share the same skin, Lexa stands alone at the throne, a symbol, a statue, alone. 

His heart shatters and the protectiveness rises again like wildfire within him with this thought. Lexa deserves happiness more than anyone he knows and after today she will no longer stand alone.

One by one the attendees offer kind words to the Commander, encouraging her, making her break her usual stoic expression into something warmer, softer and Bellamy may not understand a single word that’s being spoken but he knows they’re well intended and before he knows it Lexa is the only other person left in the room and he allows himself to lower his guard the slightest bit in her presence. 

“You can release the grip on your gun, Bellamy Kom Skaikru.” Lexa speaks as she turns around, crowns still in her hands and soft expression all but gone. It reminds him of the meeting before the crown ceremony, how harsh she was with Titus and how her cutting words seemed to pierce him deeply, how he was given an ultimatum if he ever disrespects Lexa or Clarke ever again. How she navigates the extreme power she possesses remains a mystery for him. 

He didn’t know her before, he didn’t feel the betrayal of the Mountain as devastatingly as Clarke did, as every other Sky person did, but he remembers and their pain is more than enough to never let him forget. 

“It’s Blake.” He says and to his surprise he finds it incredibly easy to be unarmed around her, despite everything he knows and the world of differences between them. But he doesn’t feel defensive, especially not when she walks towards a small table to serve herself a glass of water and he sees a glimpse of the woman that Clarke always sees beneath all that power. 

“I know.” She offers him a glass and he tentatively takes it, drinks when she does and then returns to stand by her throne where Clarke told him he’d need to be if he truly wanted to  _ get it _ . He’s walking on eggshells but that distrust that used to beat so alive beneath his own skin has begun to fade away, when? He’s not sure but seeing her threaten Titus just to defend Clarke’s place has certainly helped. 

“Last names are not lost today, they’ve only become irrelevant in the big picture of survival.” 

“The Clan is your family.” He blurts out without truly processing his words and Lexa raises her chin at his direction, the look in her eyes making him feel proud and confused at the same time. Is this what every Grounder feels when their Commander is giving them the nod of approval? Is he getting one?

This feeling, Lexa and her relationship with her people is so far from what he was used to in the Ark that it makes him want to shout his protests, it makes him want to hold onto that distrust and never let go. He was taught to fear the leaders, to protect himself and his loved ones from them, not to trust them or -worse- love them. Lexa is not like the Chancellor and her Advisors are not the Council, they do not sit by her side to do her bidding, they sit by her side to protect their Clans, their families and Lexa sits on the Throne to protect them all, to ensure that with every decision, with every step that she takes, she’s creating a new and better world for all. 

All of what Lexa is and stands for is alien to him but he can’t ignore it, and for the first time -since Clarke mentioned her name- Bellamy  _ sees  _ Lexa and he understands how easy it was for Clarke to fall for her. 

“You have questions.” She assesses him, as if reading him was the easiest task she’s done today and Bellamy hides a smirk by looking down at the floor for a moment. He’s no longer afraid, he realizes. 

While everyone else was gone fighting a war that he was supposed to fight too, he heard the women talk while they practiced their english on the hut he was being looked after.  _ You can hide nothing from the Commander, _ they repeated over and over as they stocked their provisions preparing for the arrival of the injured. He’d huffed when he overheard them, resisting the urge to roll his eyes and focus on not moving instead to avoid excruciating pain on his face, where Lein did a number on him. They talked about her as if she were a goddess and not person, an untouchable being, someone you could see and admire but never truly reach. 

The small understanding half smirk on Lexa’s lips suddenly puts him at ease though. Lexa is not untouchable, she’s not a goddess and she’s certainly not made of marvel. He can see it now, he can see why her people love her so, why they insists on feeling her pain and celebrate her happiness. This is a woman who has given everything for them, who would give her life without a doubt if it meant her people got to keep theirs. This is a woman who gave up on love for her people when she saw no other way out. He hasn’t forgotten but he understands her better now.  

_ The Commander _ . Without a warning the word begins to mean something new for him and he returns the tentative smile with one of his own. 

“I’m curious about the crowns.” He admits, his eyes darting towards the two beautiful objects now resting on top of the wooden table behind Lexa and she nods, placing both hands behind her back and inviting him to join her as she walks towards the balcony, a spot she favors, he’s noticed. 

“What have you heard about our Gods?” She asks, her eyes trained on the city that stretches below them and the woods outside the walls. Polis is marvelous, something Bellamy and his people thought was lost and would never get the chance to see in their lifetimes. 

“Not much. Octavia mentioned a glowing forest that the Trikru worship.” 

“The Glowing Forest is precious to my people.” Her shoulders are tense out here and Bellamy can’t decide if it’s because of the raging cold or because of an invisible weight pushing on her shoulders as she observes her responsibilities from above. 

“You’re Trikru?” The smile she sends his way in response is a bit wider than before, though her posture is the same rigid and tall one. She demands respect without really demanding anything and he’s starting to believe that this might have been Clarke’s best idea ever. 

“I grew up in the Capitol, under the Commander’s care but yes, I am Trikru.”

_ I am Skaikru _ , he wants to say and feel as proud as she feels but he remains silent for a while longer. Grounder’s beliefs and customs are so different from those of the Ark that he can see exactly why Octavia and Clarke fell for them as quickly as they did. On the ground the most important thing is survival and that might just be the only thing that they have in common with the Ark. Family, food, health, happiness and sorrow, everything else is different and he wants to learn and relearn everything. 

“In the Ark people only exchanged rings while the Chancellor officiated their marriage before they were assigned quarters together. That was a traditional wedding.” He finds himself sharing, a rush of cold biting wind making him shiver. 

“Clarke explained it to me.” Lexa says, eyes now trained on him. “A matrimonial ceremony is sacred on earth. It marks a new beginning in the lives of two people and such an event must be celebrated before the eyes of our Gods.”

“The Gods?”

“Our Gods are our providers, Bellamy, our force. The Earth itself is one of them and we are bound to protect it from the mistakes our ancestors made.”

In one of his history classes when he was younger Bellamy learnt about the different religions that existed before the bombs were dropped, the different Gods these religions believed in and he never truly understood how those religions worked nor did they exist in the Ark for anyone to become invested in them. What Lexa is saying makes sense in his mind, the Earth has given these people everything, worship it like a God seems fitting, it seems right.

“The Crowns represent the Earth and the promise to never forget. They are the link that bonds a married couple to their roots, to their families, to their beliefs, and intertwines them to become one and the same.”  

Not long ago Bellamy thought of the Grounders as savages, unable to love or think. Now he recognizes how foolishly he acted. Clarke has slowly changed his mind about the Grounders but Lexa, Lexa has given him a reason to trust, or is starting to anyway. 

“No rings then?” He smiles, feeling absurd and still conflicted about everything that’s cleared up in his mind. 

“There are tattoos.” Lexa offers, left eyebrow raised and half smirk present one more time. “They are optional.” She adds far too quickly, her brow furrowing in anger as she looks away from him and Bellamy doesn’t have to be able to read her mind to know that she’s picturing Clarke’s burnt mark between her eyes because that’s exactly where his mind took him too. 

“She asked me to be her witness.” He blurts out, ignoring the need to provide any kind of distraction for a woman that he used to resent not too long ago. 

For a moment she does nothing but stare at him, the look in her eyes one that he cannot read, her facial expression neutral, her posture giving nothing away. It seems like an eternity before she dips her head and her eyes turn softer, and he breathes in deeply. 

“And you accepted.” She speaks and up here, where they are alone and away from everyone else he realizes that she trusts him, maybe not because of her merits but is there. 

“I couldn’t deny her after she said please.” He smirks, his mind still trying to make sense of Lexa and her ever analyzing brain. 

“I have yet to meet a person who can deny her.” She smiles fondly, the love she feels for Clarke shining through her words. This is why she trusts him, not because of who he’s known to be but because Clarke loves him in a way so different that she loves Lexa but still as deeply. 

“Yeah, Clarke has that effect on people.” His smirk almost rivals hers then and he sees the moment that she chooses to smile instead of fixing her features like she usually does.  _ You don’t know her like I do _ , Clarke said in the morning when she asked him to spent this day by Lexa’s side,  _ she will surprise you if you spend more than five minutes with her _ . 

The wind turns sharper, the snowflakes that hit Bellamy’s face making him flinch at the contact, his bruises still too tender. They return inside but Lexa keeps the blinds open, her eyes following the path of the harsh snow as it rains down for a bit longer. And she’s bruised too, patched up and wounded but no one would see it, he’s not even sure if he believes that this is the same woman who was on the edge of life just two days ago. He never doubted her strength but seeing her like this is cementing it to another level.  

She moves around the room, Bellamy’s eyes following her every step and the elegance in which she turns and precisely takes what she needs from a closet in the far end of the room. And he thinks that perhaps  _ she is _ untouchable and Clarke, being Clarke, was simply meant to reach her. 

“From the earth we will grow.” She says, returning to stand close by him, a small wooden box in her hands. She is an enigma, he decides, and observes quietly as she opens the box and pulls out a necklace to offer to him. 

He accepts it, still unsure of what to make of it as Lexa puts the box away and he runs the tip of his fingers on the pendant hanging from the leather lace. The symbol is easy to identify, he’s seen it in banners all over Trikru territory and even on the Tower. The Trikru symbol. 

“Being a witness to our wedding bonds you to us like family.” Lexa speaks and his heart clenches inside of his chest, his skin crawls and he feels his bottom lip tremble but he refuses to shed any tears. He cannot be so touched by her words, can her? “I always knew that wherever Clarke went, you’ll be there as well.”

Looking down he bites his lips and breathes in deeply. Somewhere along the way Clarke became one of the most important people in his life, his love for her rivaling the one he feels for his little sister and Lexa sees that love, respects it. 

“If you ever hurt her - ” He finds himself throwing the threat even before his brain has the chance to analyze the words coming out of his mouth. 

“I won’t.” Lexa is just as quick to say. “I won’t ever hurt her again. This, I promise.”

“You keep those promises or I will find the way to get to you, you hear me?” Angry with sudden protectiveness he stares down at her and he shouldn’t be surprised when Lexa meets his stare with a hard one of her own. 

“You know.” She casually says, chin high up in the air and hands behind her back. Her posture is an open one and yet Bellamy has never felt as intimidated. “Some might consider a bad idea to threaten the Commander in her Throne Room.”

“Yeah, well, some might think is worth it.” He challenges right back and to his surprise Lexa smiles, genuinely and small. 

“Sky people.” She utters with odd affection and before Bellamy knows what is truly going on, she’s turned around to open the door for her maidens to walk inside when he didn’t even hear any knocking at all with all the blood in his body rushing to his ears in a moment of mixed fear and anger.

The room soon transforms into something else entirely. There are several gowns in show, several boots, belts and fragrances exposed to Lexa. The air itself seems to flow a bit lighter as the maidens’ joyful mood is quick to spread and Lexa allows it, shares a couple of reserved smiles with them and listens to their suggestions one by one. Their last harsh words ever present but gone as well. 

A marriage. Just the idea of it makes Bellamy a bit uneasy. It seems unfitting that in the middle of so much suffering and pain Clarke is getting married to whom may very well be the love of her life. And maybe they’ve finally seen their share of pain and sorrow and it’s time for the other side of the coin to show. 

Lunch is brought in as Lexa is having a bath and Bellamy is joined by Leo who is wearing a Skaikru parchment on the arm of his fur coat and Bellamy knows that he is Lexa’s witness. He ties the leather lace around his wrist immediately after that and if Leo notices, he doesn’t mention it. 

The ceremony will take place in the morning and the brides are not allowed to see each other for the night. In the meantime Lexa tries on different outfits, all looking the same, all thick fours and leather belts and after what feels like an eternity Mar makes her try on something different, an outfit that Bellamy and everyone else can’t take their eyes off of. 

“Wow.” He doesn’t even realize he’s said anything until Lexa turns to him with an amused raised eyebrow and he clears his throat rather loudly, averting his gaze someplace else. 

“This is the one.” The Commander announces and he fights back the urge to smile. It’s ridiculous, everything is completely ridiculous. There are still prisoners who will meet the end of Lexa’s sword after this wedding, there is still Ontari and Clarke’s desire to keep her alive, there is still Titus and his stubbornness to do what he thinks is best, and there are still plenty of problems waiting for them back at Camp Jaha. 

But Lexa looks beautiful and the wedding is becoming something more real with each minute that goes by, and Bellamy is afraid to let his guard down because the Earth has taught them that the only happiness they’ll ever find is bliss and this doesn’t feel like it.

Grounder tradition dictates that the bride to be spent the night with her witness and when he has to leave Lexa’s side he’s not ready for the rush of happiness that washes over him. He couldn’t have chosen a better partner for Clarke even if it depended on him. 

They might be far from perfect but Lexa and Clarke love each other like no other, and that’s what should matter most.

… 

On his way to Clarke’s room he walks down long corridors, greeting guards and servants alike that are quickly becoming good friends and allies. The entire place now seems familiar and comfortable in a way that he wasn’t expecting, but he still misses the gray hallways of the Ark immensely. 

Clarke’s room is a madhouse compared to the Throne Room and the first thing he sees when he’s allowed inside is Clarke’s crinkled forehead and clenched fists.

“I give her ten more minutes before she punches someone in the face.” Raven casually says and Bellamy suppresses a smile when he finds her on a nearby couch, legs stretch out and bowl of fruit on her lap. 

“You mean she hasn’t already?” He steals a grape from her bowl and blows her a kiss when Raven tries to slap his hand away. 

“She’s being a good sport so far, but you see the look on her face? That wasn’t there until a few minutes ago. They’ve been at it for hours. Try this and try that. I’d have punched someone half a day ago.”

“I’d have punched them all when if they grabbed my boobs like they did with the yellow dress.” Harper ads as she claims the sit next to Bellamy and stretches to take a grape from Raven’s bowl. 

“Stop stealing my grapes.” Raven yells after she fails to slap Harper’s hand and Bellamy laughs, not caring that his lips hurt or that they’re surrounded by Grounders that seem too serious about picking a wedding dress for Clarke. 

“They’re  _ my  _ grapes.” Clarke deadpans from the center of the room where she’s currently wearing a tight dress that’s pushing her boobs up too high. 

“That’s way too much boobs.” Raven chuckles, unable to keep her mouth shut and Clarke’s fists just clench a bit tighter in response while her mother talks to one of the seamstresses about the tail of the dress. 

“Woah.” Harper laughs, though to her credit she’s trying really hard not to. “Can’t say it doesn’t look good.”

“Probably a tad inappropriate for your wedding though.” Bellamy smiles good naturally, hoping that Clarke doesn’t take their teasing too seriously, and by the way she rolls her eyes and shakes her head as a small resignated smile pulls at the corner of her lips, he know that everything is alright. 

He eats a second grape, his smile only growing as Raven goes on with her teasing and commenting on Clarke’s boobs as if they were an entity on their own and then he realizes how comfortable her friends seem to be in a room full of Grounders. Hell,  _ he  _ is rather comfortable in the room. 

His fingers graze Lexa’s gift on his wrist and he nods to himself with sudden peace of mind. The Grounders are not what he believed they were and Lexa is certainly more that he gave her credit for. Today was not easy but Clarke knew that it wouldn’t be when she asked him to join Lexa’s guard first thing in the morning. 

He doesn’t notice that he’s still smiling until he looks up and Clarke meets his gaze with a dazzling smile of her own. Yeah, today was good and tomorrow it’ll be even better. 

… 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m hoping to get a few days off this month so that I can write another update for you guys. Anyway, your reviews always do help with inspiring me here. Thank you for reading!


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